I Did NOT Sign Up For This

Aging and growing older, it's a part of life and something you know will happen whether or not you're ready for it. As I grow older and gain wisdom from life's lessons and experiences, I've come to appreciate the respect you receive because you've lived long enough for your opinion to be valued by others. Who doesn't like to throw life experience around when proving a point to someone? How good does it feel when you know not to make the same mistake twice and can refer back to past life choices when making decisions in your future? In that respect, aging and growing older is friggin awesome and something I continuously enjoy and look forward to! But lets be honest, obviously that is not what this rant is about!

This rant is about the sudden changes and unexpected happenings that simultaneously crept the f*ck up on me to ruin my life. I guess I always expected aging to be this slow and gradual process, or at least that's what it seemed to be when watching my parents and grandparents grow old! At 31 years old, I'm surprised to find myself working so feverishly to battle the signs of aging as well as dealing with the unwelcome changes that this young lady was not warned about and therefore, unprepared for. Behold, my two biggest enemies that make me think WTF happened to me???

#1 - Adult Acne
What. The. Fuck. That is the best way I can describe the feeling one gets, when one goes to sleep one night, (with what they would consider perfect skin) and wakes up with skin that looks like it was exchanged with that of a 13 year old with raging and unbalanced hormones! HOW in the hell does this happen to a 31 year old who NEVER EVER had a problem with acne in their life?!?!

Sure I expect the standard 1-3 pimples that pop up on my chin or forehead when I'm PMS'ing and disappear just as quickly as they appeared, but I can't deal with these other pimples that have set up shop ALL OVER MY FACE! All of a sudden I have craters in places I have NEVER had a breakout before, such as my cheeks and my jawline...and in mass quantities!

I did tons of research on things that could cause acne like this to show up all of a sudden and performed the following actions: disinfected my cell phone, my work phone, began changing my pillow cases every other day, bought all new makeup brushes that I clean regularly, changed my makeup brands, drank ridiculous amounts of water, started taking vitamins, and stayed away from greasy/fried foods and NOTHING was making it any better!

I began getting 1-2 really aggressive (and EXPENSIVE) facials every month and succumbed to purchasing every type of cleanser, exfoliator, and oil free moisturizer that was recommended to me with hopes of getting my old complexion back, but no such luck. I saw a dermatologist who told me to stay out of the sun, prescribed me with different topical antibiotics and retin-a, and told me that maybe in three months, my skin would show improvement and get better.

MAYBE?!?! You would think that in 2010, the technology and science would have developed a simple cure for acne, but noooooooo, that is NOT the case! It's been 3 months since I've been using antibiotics and topical creams and while I notice a bit of an improvement, I'm still seriously depressed that my best face is not what I am putting forward.

In addition to losing self confidence, it sucks that now I have to wear full foundation, concealer, and powder in order for me to look somewhat presentable. I'm now super self conscious about my skin and pretty much refuse to go out au natural these days. Even if my skin eventually clears up, I'm stuck with horrible acne scars from all of the breakouts I've had this year.

I did NOT sign up for this...

#2 - Going Gray
At my age, the only thing I expect to turn gray is the color of water in the hot tub, post-frolicking! Of course I expect to find a gray hair here or there, that's natural, right? I'd say in the past few years I have discovered no more than 3 of those silver strands, which were promptly plucked out upon discovery and forgotten about...until now! What's baffling is how I went from 3 gray hairs to 300 gray hairs, practically overnight! I'm thinking it's possible I had them all along but just never noticed. For the past 5 years, my hair color has been highlighted with different shades of blond, and as soon as the roots began to show, I was back in my colorists chair for more highlights. Is it possible that my grays were camouflaged by blond highlights and therefore I never noticed??

This past May I was feeling emo and needing a change, so I decided to color my hair a very dark shade of brown, which I have been LOVING all year! This summer, when randomly looking in the mirror I noticed the light catching strands of light colored hair on my head...and upon closer inspection, I realized that I have sporadic strands of gray hair ALL OVER my head! Not just an inch of colorless gray root either, we're talking entire strands! From the root-to-ends that are gray!

How is that even possible when I'm getting my hair colored regularly? Does the color just wash off of gray hairs after a few weeks? I just don't understand what is going on here, my parents barely have any gray hairs, I'm without a doubt getting J-O-O'd on the good genes that keep my hair from going gray! Hmmm I wonder if the fact that I have a job and WORK (unlike my parents) has anything to do with it. Could stress be ruining my follicles?

Now I find myself TOTALLY OBSESSING over gray hair all the time! I've stopped plucking them out because it looks ridiculous when they are sticking straight up at 2 inches long and gray on the top of my head! Everytime I use the bathroom at Lilo's house, (she has SUPER BRIGHT lighting) I find myself combing through my hair (fine tooth style as if I'm searching for lice) in search of new gray hairs! When I meet my friends for dinner or drinks, the 1st thing I do is point out my gray hairs and start discussing what I should do next. I don't know why I feel the need to point them out, maybe just so they know that I know they are there and if I make a joke about it first, then it takes the sting out or something.

A few weeks ago, my friend Newman and I went into his bathroom together and pointed out our grays to each other in hopes of feeling better about it, is this really what I'm doing now? Hanging out in bathrooms pointing out my imperfections? It's basically taking over my life and I see no signs of it letting up. In fact, I think they are spreading like wildfire! I just got my hair colored again 2 weeks ago and asked my colorist what I should do, or better yet what SHE could do to make them less noticeable! She said "It's funny how you notice 1-10 of them and get used to knowing they are there, so you continue coloring your hair regularly to cover them. Then one day, all of a sudden, you wake up and see that you have PATCHES of gray hair all over!"

And it's true, one day I woke up and looked at my hair while in Lilo's bathroom under the spotlight, and sure enough I have patches of gray. FML! What can I do?? Well, for one I will thank God for inventing laser hair removal because I would have FREAKED the F*CK out if I ever looked down and saw a gray pube! At least I have THAT under control...for now!

Seriously though, I did NOT sign up for this shit to start happening to me at 31 years old! What else is there to come? Thankfully, I'm still relatively wrinkle-free but I'm stressin at the next change to happen and ruin my looks! Am I overreacting? What do the rest of you do to pause the aging process and not have meltdowns like I am having??

Mr. Industry's Friend Responds

So Mr. Industry's friend Cory posted a response to "the Rise and Fail of Mr. Industry."

It's actually pretty damn funny and I think Cory correctly captures the absolute mess that Mr. Industy (in his blog as "Gabe") was that day. Also, for your info ShamWow is referred to as "Karen."

The Tale of a Modern Day Love Story

The story of that day begins about 1/4 way down on the page under "This is the tale of a Modern Day Love Story. I hope you enjoy. "

The Rise and FAIL of Mr. Industry

A few weeks ago Mr. Industry invited me to an Angels game, just the two of us, and things seemed to go pretty well! So, the following week when he invited me to his birthday at the JW Marriott in Palm Desert, I accepted the offer and was going to roll solo, after all I am a grown up! I found out that Miss Communication was going with her boyfriend, and we could all ride down there together, bonus! Saturday morning consisted of a late start, traffic, gas stop, and a pretty bad hangover from doing vodka shots the night before, but I was still game and down to have some fun!

Mr. Industry and his entourage got there around 11ish, and we arrived at 2:00pm - Mr. Industry had his/our room key waiting for me at the front desk, (nice/thoughtful) So, we went to change and then strolled down to the pool. Holy shit, there was a couple hundred people at this pool!! I almost felt like I was at a party pool in Vegas for a second!

I walked to the edge of the pool to give Mr. Industry a hug and as I bend over he tries to pull me in to the water... not forcefully, but not exactly the warm welcome I had wished for! He was obviously pretty drunk! Immediately I say "I need a drink" actually, I'm not sure if I said that first or looked at Miss Communications boyfriend and said " I need to catch up!" Since it was HSB out, I got in the water right away but made sure not getting the hair wet since I had just blown it out and didn't want to re-do it before going out at night.

The waitress comes and I order a margarita - stat! At this point, Mr. Industry is whispering with his 'shes like a sister' and since she has no name, we will call her DaRat. So DaRat starts asking me in her annoying voice "What did you get to drink?" me: "A margarita" Rat: "like Patron, Don Julio?" me: "Just a regular one" Then I hear DaRat say "She hates me."

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Then I have to explain, " I don't hate you, I am hungover, exhausted from a 2 hour drive, and I just need a drink." Then this little DaRat says, "He's like my brother, he can kick your ass or I can kick your ass!" Wait, who is this Rat? WHERE THE FUCK IS MY DRINK!!!!

My drink comes, and I'm chillin in a lounge chair, instantly feeling better, gosh I love tequila! So, Mr. Industry and I are chatting while he is in the pool and I asked him something unimportant. He said he couldn't' hear me, so I repeat myself... he still can't hear me... so what does he do? He grabs my lounge chair and pulls it to the edge of the pool almost in the water! WTF, do you know how loud those chairs are when they are scraping on the cement?!? Out of the 200 peeps in the pool, I would say about 50 heard and started looking to see what was going on. Then he lifts my chair up and takes 2 steps back in the water and is holding me hostage on the lounge chair in the water!!!!!! At this point, the 50 peeps that heard, have now tapped their friends, started pointing and laughing - so now I would say at least half of this pool is staring and watching us!!
Me: Put me back now.
Him: What did you say?
Me: put me back NOW
Him: No... what did you say?
Me: Honestly, I'm so embarrassed I can't even remember.
Him: Nope, tell me!
Me: Put me back! You are NOT going to win this one!
Him: Tell me first.
* I'm still held hostage and even more people are looking! I'm DYING of embarrassment! Who am I dealing with??? *
Me: ONE....TWO...

I got to TWO and thought, this is not my 4 year old daughter! This is a 37 year old grown man! If I get to THREE and I'm still being held over the water, am I REALLY gonna give him a TIMEOUT???? At this point he realizes I'm pissed, so he brings me out of the water, and then puts the lounge chair down and shoves it back into place?!?!? AS IF this is all MY FAULT!

The next few hours consisted of him following me around like a puppy dog - but not the cute little dog that you want to take home, but the scroungy mutt that you want to kick. At one point his friend said "Geez, You are acting like a momma bear, and she is your cub!" If I talked to someone, he splashed them, whether they were male or female! He kept saying " I like you alot" finally I said, " I KNOW...but you really need to tone it down." I rarely get embarrassed, but it slowly lead into being pissed. I mean here I was in Palm Springs at this awesome hotel and wishing I never came! Not only was I leaving my daughter, but I was paying someone to work my store! What a WASTE of my time and my money!!!!!!! Thank God, Miss Communication came! She was nice enough to let me stay with her and her boyfriend in their room... I was the third wheel! Um, I'm going to need a Rollaway, please. It's official I'm a hostage in the desert!

As hours went by we got ready to go to the night club, Mr. Industry was "sick" in his room, poor baby - NOT!!! His Boy starts talking to me and trying to make excuses as to why he was the way he was... blah, blah. Tells me that this was a trip that he put together because he just got dumped by his GF. So, NO ONE was there for Mr. Industry's birthday but ME?? Even though his b-day was the next week, this was NOT his party, what a little slime ball! I think it was his way of getting me to go! I was duped!

The beast finally comes down to the hotel bar, and honestly I just didn't want to deal with him...plus there were groups of hot dudes at the hotel for bachelor parties, and here I was dealing with THIS? Then he asks me what happened which I just blow off. But he keeps asking...
Me: What do YOU think happened?
Him: I have no clue, you came, were at the pool for 10 minutes, said I was an asshole and left?
Me: Yeah, I was there for over 3 hours and told you to 'tone it down'
* Now, he pulls up a chair even CLOSER to me and puts his arm around me??
Like, HELLO??? Do you not see that I'm annoyed?
Then he says "Tell me what I need to change"
Me: Nothing.
Him: Well, if it offends you then I need to change it.
Me: You are a grown man, and you should do whatever you want to do and I decide whether or not I want to be around it.

Dude, Bro, Sir, Mr. YOU are a MAN... it's like the annoying stray dog has turned into a giant pussy?? FYI this guy is WELL over 6 feet tall and like 4x my 5"4 size and he's acting like this!

Needless to say, we all went to the club in the hotel where I avoided him until I was over it and literally SNUCK out of the club. I didn't say goodbye, and didn't think he even deserved it.

But forget about what he deserves...what do I deserve?????
And why am I putting myself in situations like this?

Flashback to the 90's - Welcome to the Jungle

I'm going to start off with saying WHAT A WEEKEND! Friday night was ShamWow's dirty 30th birthday party and it was OFF THE HOOK and we will so totally get to that by way of a blog soon! In addition to her birthday soiree, we managed to score invites to TWO themed parties in one night that we just could not miss...

The 90's Themed 30th Birthday Party at the 90210 Beach House:

Does it get ANYMORE 90's than a party at the 90210 beach house of Donna Martin and Kelly Taylor?? Didn't think so! When my boy G-Money hit me up about this party, I pretty much said 'sign me up' while writing my signature in the air. If only I held onto my cross colours jeans or my babydoll dresses with my Doc Marten's...I would have had the perfect 90's outfit!

My friend G tells me that I might know the girl who's renting the house (who's 30th bday it is) because she went to high school with us and was a grade below, but I had no idea who she was. Of course I was still going to the party because obviously I'm not going to miss out on 90's photoshoots at the beachhouse! So ShamWow, The Gym Nazi, and I show up to the party in 90's gear with a huge bottle of vodka in hand and don't recognize ANYONE. We finally find G-Money and being polite, I ask him who the birthday girl is so we can wish her a happy birthday and thank her for having us at her party...BIG MISTAKE!

We follow G and he introduces us to the birthday girl and I say "Hi Jenny, I'm the Ringleader. Happy 30th Birthday!" and give her a hug that lasted FAR TOO LONG because she WOULD NOT LET GO! She then says to me (in front of everyone) "Oh I know you, you probably don't remember me because I was a really big nerd in high school and you were cool and ran with the cool crowd...but I'm a year younger than you."

What. The. Fuck. What do you say to that? Like I'm sorry you were a nerd? Sorry we didn't have sleepovers and TP the boys houses late at night while giving ourselves pedicures and discussing who would be our date to the vice-versa dance? Who cares!

I say to her "I'm sure you weren't a really big nerd, we probably just had different interests and hung around different people. The important thing is that we're here and it's your birthday! Let's party and have a good time!" --->This is me trying to smooth things over while feeling embarrassed that this broad is calling me out on my status 13 years ago!

She can't leave well enough alone so she follows up with "No, I was a really big nerd...I was in the band. Don't feel weird I mean you ran with the right crowd so it's all good."

Um, awkward PARTY OF ONE! No joke I was shocked, who does that? So G, ShamWow, the Gym Nazi and I sit down and discuss who this chick is and I'm asking G like WTF? Did you get that speech about being part of the cool crowd? He goes "Oh no, she gave you that one?? Yeah I have heard that before..."

How about a warning G? Yo you're not going to remember this girl but say you do and you remember her from the band or she is going to go put you on blast by way of a 15 minute speech of how high school politics and lack of popularity ruined her life! I mean I had a lot of friends but I certainly wouldn't consider myself as popular, I mean I was never the Homecoming/Prom Queen. What the hell?

So we're chillin in the corner and I'm drinking and smoking a joint and here comes the birthday girl. We tell her to sit down and are asking her if she's having a good birthday, you know being really nice and we're having a conversation and this broad just can't quit! She brings it up AGAIN and this time she let's it drop that I was a "MEAN GIRL and obviously you STILL are running with the right crowd because you brought Kelly Taylor (ShamWow) with you." Well of course I can't help but laugh because it's pretty ironic, no? She goes I mean you were the girl that we would say you're so pretty and you would say "Thanks." WTF is she talking about?? I don't ever recall any of this??

At this point I'm getting pissed because I really wasn't mean to nerdy girls in high school. I was mean to the bitchy girls or the girls with whom I was competing for a guy with, but that's it. I think at this point ShamWow notices that I'm about to say something so she jumps to my defense and says "Ya she might have hung around with the cool people but what does that mean? She was getting into trouble....** COUGH COUGH ** WHORE! You didn't really want to hang out with her, did you??"

Thank God she broke it up with the cough, cough, WHORE! When in doubt just cough and blend a WHORE into a conversation because that was actually funny and true! It also seemed to chill me out long enough to laugh at ShamWow who took being called 'Kelly Taylor' as a compliment and didn't see it as a bitchy comment. I mean who didn't want to be Kelly Taylor? But I'll be Goddamned if I'm going to be the Brenda cough cough WHORE of the group! I just can't seem to get over how weird it was to be dressed all 90's, at a party with people I saw regularly in the 90's, and then having to defend myself for being myself to a person who's opinion didn't matter to me! Talk about dejavu or feeling like I was in the twilight zone!

So we decided to sneak the hell out of that party and move onto the jungle savage themed party in Redondo Beach that Suzy Q put together, in hopes of meeting some hot dudes!

After a quick costume change in the car, all of us ladies put on some animal print and met up with the hottness that was Suzy Q who looked WAY more jungle savage theme than we did! Unfortunately, we didn't really meet any interesting hot boys but we did meet some super cool ladies (who happened to be fans of the late night 4th meal) who kept us talking and entertained the rest of the night! At least it wasn't a total loss and we had fun!

I'll be honest, it's getting tough going out so often and trying to meet new people, but what else are we going to do? ShamWow, Gym Nazi, and myself are as single as one gets and we're just not meeting quality randoms at bars or restaurants or anything. We all figure that our only hope is meeting someone through a friend or their friends and it's hard to be social or in the mood to be social all of the time, ya know? Anyways, thank you Suzy Q, we had fun and I can't wait for the next party!

ShamWeezy in 90's gear. Peep the coach backpack/purse, remember when a backpack was a handbag???


Gym Nazi was pretending she was hooking like "Pretty Woman" I think...




And the Jungle/Savage Party pics:




Me and the FAB bucket of tits that is Suzy Q

The Animal Handler

I will admit, I'm pretty scared of many animals... but recently I've been able to over 'cum' some of my fears. I've dealt with snakes, weasels, dogs, rats, pussys, and of course bi POLAR bears.... But, I've seen something that I have never really seen before..... no, I still haven't seen the Lockness monster, but I have seen, what I will refer to as the Double Headed Dragon... AKA.. "DHD"... you know the type... A guy who is one minute totally into you, talking about grand kids, paying for not only you.. but, your friends to kick it as well. The next minute you think he might have accidentally LOST your number... only to wake up 2 weeks later to realize you are in a full blown "textmance".

This particular textmance involves a boy who I will refer to as "Mr. Industry". Ummm... by "industry" I'm not talking about fabric, I'm talking about the "adult" industry... (back round of course, I'm that trashy, bitches) But now I'm in a TEXTMANCE, WTF???? I know, I get it... I'm almost 30... I have a kid... but, I'm still use to certain things... and when a guy is into me I expect them to do what they need to do... meaning, ask me out, take days of work, re-arrange their schedule, or if distance is an issue they fly me out... not just risk breaking a nail to keep in contact! So, here comes "Mr. Industry"... He's great, a guy I totally get who also gets me despite the fact that he lives about 2 hours away... Mr. Industry constantly has me laughing and wanting more.... Then more comes around and... depending on what day it is... is whether our "textmance" is going on. Day 1... texts all day long. Day 2.. maybe only after 4pm.. Day 3... Only texts before noon?? I feel like I'm Katy Perry and singing... "You're hot than you're cold" And don't even get me started about the POST midnight texts... OH boy!
You ladies get the drift....
One day you get the guy that you will drive hours to see.... the next day, happy you didn't waste your time in the car????

Am I totally wasting my time and/or nail polish texting this Double Headed Dragon?

Do I need to go to Borders and pick up a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You?"
Am I just color-blind and DON'T see the RED flags waving???

Cause to be honest... I'm ready to throw up the WHITE flag!

Fashion Faux FAIL

I've been going out quite a bit lately (as most of my friends have birthdays that fall during the summertime) and I cannot understand what the hell people are thinking when they look in the mirror and decide to walk out, in that outfit! It's also more than just being a slob and not caring what you look like when you leave the house for a beer run or a quick 4th meal mission. As we all know, I'm guilty of rocking pajama pants to the supermarket at 3pm on a Sunday and Lilo will PROUDLY strut her stuff in boxer shorts and a wife beater w/no bra while carrying my Fendi handbag through the McDonald's drive-thru for a life saving cheeseburger meal. For us, it's pure laziness and the fact that we really don't expect to see anyone on these little outings, and we certainly.

These people I'm referring to actually spend time getting ready/planning these outfits, and proudly strut their stuff as if people are going to ask them "Who are you wearing tonight?" Or maybe they think someone will mistake them for a stylist and ask for their business card, I don't know.

Sequins: Anyone who knows me, knows that I have very strict rules when it comes to wearing sequins. This doesn't apply to a few strategically placed sequins on a dress/top/etc or a tiny little cluster of sequins on something. This applies to fully sequined dresses or outfits where the majority of fabric is covered in sequins. In my book, you are allowed to wear sequins only on 3 occassions:

1. Vegas - Feel free to dress yourself from head to toe in sequins when in Vegas. IF you want to walk around looking like a human disco ball, be my guest. I will even walk around WITH you and will pretend that I know you! Vegas = Sequins, attention, and in general 'look at me' so if you are looking to make that sort of statement then I will support it as long as it is within reason.

2. Your Birthday - If it is YOUR birthday, you are welcome to wear sequins. It is your day and all about you and if you want all eyes on you and find a fab sequin party dress, please feel free to wear it. I will still attend your birthday party and I will even take a picture with you that you can feel free to post on Facebook or wherever else you desire to post it.

3. New Years Eve - If you're going to a fab NYE party or club or whatever, rock the hell out of the sequin party dress! NYE is all about sparkle and over-the-top NOTICE ME so we can make out at midnight dresses! While you're at it go ahead and put on a stupid Happy New Year hat and 2010 glasses. It's acceptable because it's New Years and everyone wants to get dressed up, look their best, and have a good time.

It is NOT acceptable to wear a sequin party dress when going to a club in Hollywood. Unless you're a celebrity walking the red carpet into a private soiree, you need not be wearing disco ball sequined mini dresses in Hollywood. You look like a damn fool walking up sunset in your sequin tube dress and matching sequin evening bag that you borrowed from your mom. STOP IT. Not only do you look ridiculous, but you also run the risk of getting heckled by me when I'm driving down Sunset dressed appropriately. I've been known to roll my windows down and scream "I hope it's your birthday because this ain't Vegas and it sure as hell isn't New Years Eve!"

Last night, Lilo and I were lucky enough to see No Doubt in concert, which was AMAZINGLY FAMOUS! Aside from the show being so grand, the fashions of those in attendance was nothing short of embarrassing. I don't know what it is about Gwen Stefani, but girls seem to think they can put their own outfits together and imitate Gwen or what they think Gwen would be impressed by using their own personal style. People were dressed in the most ridiculous pieces put together with more ridiculous pieces, painted by a MAC makeup artist in training, and slathered in blood red lipstick. It was a HUGE FAIL in the fashion department.

The FAIL Kitty: Wearing a leopard print unitard with black Ugg boots, the most peroxide platinum hair, and wet n wild's reddest white trash lipstick. This leopard print unitard is just straight unacceptable. To make matters worse, it looked a little worn...as if this was her go-to outfit that she went-to far too many times. This broad was beat looking. Not even the Shitty Kitty would hire her. And don't even get me started on the Ugg boots! I HAAAAAATE Ugg boots in general and the ONLY time you will catch me wearing them is in FREEZING temperature when traveling in Europe or the mountains where I don't stand the chance of seeing anyone who would recognize me.

The FAIL Dad: Wearing his sunglasses indoors. His poor little tween daughter forced to deal with his obsessive JUMPING and WAVING at Gwen while rotating his sunglasses from being positioned on his forehead above his eyes/resting on his eyebrows or wearing them over his eyes, indoors, in a dark arena. Did I mention how he was JUMPING around like a friggin idiot and doing his best to call attention to himself? Waving and re-positioning his sunglasses so he could look "cool" - bro was ANYTHING but cool.

Bikini top FAIL: I'm thinking this girl was no older than 14 years old and I'm pretty sure this is NOT how she left the house last night. I turn around and there she is wearing a turquoise string bikini top and jeans, with the pre-requisite black studded belt. Has this ever been OK? To go out and plan to wear a bikini top with jeans? It's one thing to wear a bikini somewhere and maybe slip jeans on afterwards, but usually you put a goddamn shirt on as well?!?! I know Gwen has been known to rock the bikini top over a wife beater or just rock a bikini top but that is because she is a rock star and she is on stage in costume. Last I checked going to a concert was not an invite to a costume party...unless of course you're going to a Goth or Emo concert which is more like a friggin masquerade ball.

Anyone have any thoughts on these? What are you fashion deal breakers? Have you ever sent a friend back to her closet to change when you saw what she was planning on wearing?

Marking Your Territory

There are so many things girls do that annoy me, but the one that just irritates the hell out of me is how they go about marking their territory. First of all anyone that has to mark their territory, probably isn't that secure about their relationship in the first place, no? It seems to me that the most insecure girls are the ones that feel the need to figuratively pee all over their man so that people know he is in fact, their man.

I've never been a jealous person and never really understood why the hell girls do this. To me, it's like broadcasting to everyone around that you lack game. I am also not one to compete with other broads for a dude, if there are other girls in the picture or other girls trying to get at a dude I'm chillin with, I pretty much bounce. I can't be bothered to be that annoying drama girl trying to hose some guy down in the form of TMI and think that is what's going to hook this guy. Not to mention, why the hell would I want to hook up with some dude that has just been hosed down by some other chick? Maybe that's what they're thinking...

A few years ago, Lilo and I started referring to some boys as fire hydrants and when certain girls came into the picture, we'd know in advance that she would be peeing all over him and laying claim to him, publicly. It used to be just obscene amounts of PDA in public, but nowadays, these games are even worse. These new chicks have to kick it up a notch, it's like they try to one up everyone from the start. How about the broads who just break out with every VOM detail of their sexual relationship...in public? Whether it's little comments or straight telling a blackjack dealer you have anal leakage from an earlier romp in the hotel room, NOTHING IS SECRET. It's like they do it in case you planned on sucking his dick later, a little "By the way, he threw his peen in my ass earlier..."

I mean as if I'm missing out? 90% of the time you have absolutely zero interest in the guy and you just end up feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed that someone is even talking about this while both parties involved and others are there! I don't want to hear about the road dome you just got on the way to the party, and I don't want to know how you cleaned up the mess and please step away from my drink! While we're on the subject...boys, I most definitely do NOT want you to call me while you're getting dome!

Then we have the equivalent of a bathroom stall wall that EVERYONE READS - Facebook. Can people be anymore goddamn annoying on there? Every guy has chicks peeing all over their walls, photos, and anything else with their comments. Do you REALLY have to write such ridiculousness publicly for everyone to see? "I LOVE THIS PIC OF YOUR SOFA! BTW DID YOU FIND MY PANTIES? I THINK I LEFT THEM THERE LAST NIGHT...OR THE NIGHT BEFORE :P" Seriously? What. The. Fuck.

Lately, ther is a lot of action on the garbage man's wall. I don't even have to stalk it or make special trips to view it. There are P.I.'s who inform me. The GM has a new girlfriend of 2 1/2 months, and they are so in love...or at least we know she is! In a matter of about two weeks the garbage man and grim reaper have: entered into a relationship, she's changed her default to a pic of them, she's posted little ♥'s on his wall, and is now replying to comments other people leave on the 'in a relationship' status notifier deal. So, when people ask who is this chick and when/where did she come from...wait for it... She will respond in no less than a full paragraph with where they met, who was there, how in love they are, and how the last 2.5 months have been the best months of her life. Are you kidding me? Dude is a GARBAGE MAN who is MISSING A TOOTH! She lives in HELL (aka Valencia) with her kid and her parents!

Do you know how hard it is NOT to respond and say "He's ALL YOURS! I hope you live happily ever after and drink as much PBR as your little hearts desire." Am I the only one who has had enough of this nonsense? Are there that few guys in the world that you just have to take what you can get and then put out an APB on what you are doing with him 24/7?

STOP. IT.

Sold Bitches

After work on Friday all I had to do was go to the market, go home and just enjoy my weekend...I was busy @ work so got off an hour later, but I wasn't going to let ANYTHING get in the way of my glorious weekend. I got to the grocery store and yeah I forgot my list.. grrrr... and yeah the lines were a bit long... but, like I said... I wasn't going to let ANYTHING put a damper on my 4th of July weekend!

As I was unloading the groceries @ my parents house I heard this horrible noise.... like a baby screeching... then I kept hearing it... I thought.. "What the fuck is that noise??" It was horrible and something I had never heard before, and it felt like it was directed just for me??

I figured out, it sounded like a dog... either giving birth or dying.. I've never heard either, so I really couldn't tell you exactly which one.....

I know the neighbor (the HOT neighbor who I would totally marry or even settle for a one night stand) has 3 dogs, so I glanced over at his house and there was this pathetic dog looking at me....... no barking, but talking?????? I felt like I was in the movie... "Dr. DooLittle"

It was at that point I realized it was the 4th dog... his girlfriend!!!! She speaks??? The same person who could lose a talking war with a dead person..... and can you guess what came barking out of her mouth..

"We sold the house!!" (We.....I mean unless her hot boyfriend has a mouse in his pocket... it was/is HIS house) So, I put my fake smile and nice voice on and said..... gulp, breathe, sigh.... "Congratulations!!"

That bitch!!!! At least she could have done was to put some Vaseline before she RUBBED it in? The nerve... She was so excited just to break the bad news to me.... I mean she NEVER talks to me... I'm convinced she has a stopwatch and every time she pulls in the driveway she is playing a game of how fast she can get inside the house without making contact with anyone....probably rewarding herself with a dog biscuit!

Friday was this bitches day to bask in the glory, and I'll be honest she won! But, I had my "trump card in my back pocket"... Hot neighbor told me that they were looking into buying a house in the small little town where I have my business, "TERRIFIC"... I do women's retail, but would TOTALLY make a house call for him!

So.... I said, "Oh, did you find a place in L.C.?" She replied no, "I put an offer on a house in Orange County"... So, now I'm confused...... This "ruff ruff" has not only changed the said location of the move.. but SHE has put an offer on a place that is almost 2 hours away by herself?? If he's so into her, why didn't HE put an offer with her?

You Are The Weakest Link...GOODBYE!

On my vacation to Jamaica I had an AMAZING time and will include some of the pics to PROVE IT!

When I wasn't playing beer pong,

running as fast as I could into the ocean (I think I twisted my ankle),

drinking,

doing cannon balls into the pool while fully clothed,

taking "questionable" pictures,

and going swimming @ 2 am - I was having FUN!!

After all, I paid for MY trip and I was going to be the one responsible for having or not having fun!

I ran into I was stalked by "TEXAS" who took my intoxication as a FREE PASS +1 point for Texas. Our FauxMance lasted only a day and a half and in that time, Texas spewed how beautiful I was, while I reciprocated how nice he was. I gave into the constant compliments and his determination but never thought...can a nerd be a player?? +1 point for Texas.

While his continuous invitations to go to the beach, the bar, and Margaritaville were inviting, I had to say "no." He did get a little butt hurt but thank GOD I read the book"Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man!" I stuck to my guns, I broke out with this line, and part of my dignity still clings to it "I'm going to be completely honest with you.. (if i ever start a line this way, duck, run, or jump) I might never talk to you again, and in a few months when ALL of my friends are reminiscing about all of the glorious stories of Jamaica, I don't want to hear about them! I want to be apart of them!" I'm not gonna lie, it felt great saying this to him... I had the ball... or BALLS in my court, right??

Apparently I have only seen previews to the movie "OUT OF SIGHT... (out of mind)" So, after I basically said he wasn't a priority, his eyes wandered...along with his mediocre face, bad clothes and horrific velcro sandals!!! Seriously, peep these sandals....WTF??????



So, since the trip consisted of 8 girls who are all assholes, you can bet I got shit from ALL of them for even talking to him! Oh and along with the cute guy next to me while I was playing beer pong who said to the Ringleader "Who's that douche your friend is with?" Besides 8 girls and a random dude, lets throw in the over weight security guard that also chimed in said "I'm not going to say anything, but are you REALLY with that guy??"

Needless to say, the fauxmance didn't last, and now I'm back home and thinking...
Why do I always lower my rate???? (per Miss Communication who advised us what lowering your rate means in the porn industry...)

Why do I keep these guys that I really don't even like, or care for around, and let them keep coming around??

When do I start deleting numbers off my phone???

Deleting "fauxs" from my facebook????

So, as I'm writing this blog I'm thinking about my next step, which is to go to facebook and DELETE...
and for those of you who are friends with me... look for my status....

ShamWOW is deleting ALL of the WEAKEST links.. GOODBYE!!!!