Tomorrow, I am heading out to Greeley, Colorado to spend Christmas with the Crazies aka my family. I don't say "I'm heading home for the holidays" because Colorado is NOT my home, AS IF!!! I grew up in Cali, was born and raised a Valley Girl , and have no plans to leave Sunny So Cal anytime soon! What sucks is that my family picked up and moved to the freezing cold Rocky Mountains and nowadays if I want to see them or eat my granny's famous Philly Cheese Steak Sandwiches or her English Shepherds Pie, I have to hop a plane and fly out to freeze my figurative balls off in cow town...
When I get to the lack of glory that is Greeley, I have the luxury of staying in my own room and sharing the house with my immediate family. I'll introduce you to them individually because I am sure I will be blogging and updating on the stupidity and ignorance that is my family while I am staying with them.
My Grandparents - My two favorite people in the whole wide world.
My little English Granny is completely nuts and in love with Leonardo DiCaprio, we will most likely watch Titanic for the millionth time and then we'll make it a double feature and throw on whatever Leo's latest and greatest movie is (The Departed maybe Blood Diamond again?) She will then ask me questions about what celebrity sightings I have had in LA and follow up with questions about my BOYFRIEND...or lack thereof. Next she will ask how I am going to give her a grandchild without a boyfriend and completely ignore the fact that I have never wanted to have kids in all 29 years I have been alive. She's real stubborn and will never admit she is wrong about anything...except that someone gave her wrong information which is obviously not her fault.
My Grandad is the nicest man in the whole world, he should be a saint. In my entire life no one has ever had anything bad to say about him except that he is "too nice for his own good" which basically means everyone bosses him around and walks all over him. It pisses me off and he never speaks up so when I'm in town, I like to make sure I start a few fights with everyone else on his behalf.
My Dad, think Cheech Marin circa the Born in East LA years and for the record, he really was Born in East LA. He looked just like Cheech for years but now he is going for the long-haired-mexican-hippie look, think Benecio Del Toro in "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"- you know when he was a real unappealing slob? He's pretty worthless, has nothing going on ever. The type of dude that can roll a joint with one hand, because that's about all he has had to do for the last 40 years. He wants to be everyone's friend but behind the scenes he is the one gossiping and getting people like my mom all riled up. My dad is a frenemy, make no mistake about it. The good news is that he is afraid of me and my wrath and when I'm in town he knows better than to disagree with me.
My Mom, a complete and utter waste of life and space. Possibly the worlds laziest person ever. She does not work and hasn't in about 12 years, has no income and just mooches off of my grandparents. If she lifted a finger I would be surprised and might consider a parade for such events. She is a walking pity party and is sure the world has singled her out and chosen to be against her, this is one of the many conspiracy theories she has... The worst part is that she loves to raise her voice and argue, especially about the past. I know both the start and finish of each and every arguement since each one requires a visit back in time as nothing new happens in her life. The funny thing is that she tries to act like a mom to me and will make food for me (like toast or boxed mac and cheese - anything else is far too difficult) and she just sucks at everything except arguing and battling, oh the joy!
My sister, 21 years old and was lucky enough to inherit the worst qualities of BOTH of our parents. She has a poor attitude and thinks the reason she is fired from work is NOT because she was not a model employee but due to a deeper conspiracy of sorts, BUT she can roll a mean blunt. She LOVES to argue as well and is a REAL assh*le. She is just as lazy as my mom and doesn't wake up before 2pm-3pm DAILY. Just yesterday I called her trying to plan our snowboarding trip to Breckenridge and apparently its my fault she has no money to snowboard more than one day so she yelled at me and now I'm supposed to pay to hang out with her because she too is such a joy.
So far I have gotten about 3 phone calls prepping me for what is in store upon arrival to Denver. #1 My mom and sister are in a fight, my mom called to give me the details - my sister ate an entire Stoffers family sized frozen lasagna and left none for anyone else. WOW, I guess that means she has the munchies...why not ask her WHY mom???
#2 My Grandparents are in a fight with my mom and sister - because neither one of them has a job and they both have poor attitudes. Why not MAKE them get jobs or throw their asses out in the snow???
#3 My Grandparents are fed up with everyone. What else is new?
It really is a shame that you can't choose your own family...
When I get to the lack of glory that is Greeley, I have the luxury of staying in my own room and sharing the house with my immediate family. I'll introduce you to them individually because I am sure I will be blogging and updating on the stupidity and ignorance that is my family while I am staying with them.
My Grandparents - My two favorite people in the whole wide world.
My little English Granny is completely nuts and in love with Leonardo DiCaprio, we will most likely watch Titanic for the millionth time and then we'll make it a double feature and throw on whatever Leo's latest and greatest movie is (The Departed maybe Blood Diamond again?) She will then ask me questions about what celebrity sightings I have had in LA and follow up with questions about my BOYFRIEND...or lack thereof. Next she will ask how I am going to give her a grandchild without a boyfriend and completely ignore the fact that I have never wanted to have kids in all 29 years I have been alive. She's real stubborn and will never admit she is wrong about anything...except that someone gave her wrong information which is obviously not her fault.
My Grandad is the nicest man in the whole world, he should be a saint. In my entire life no one has ever had anything bad to say about him except that he is "too nice for his own good" which basically means everyone bosses him around and walks all over him. It pisses me off and he never speaks up so when I'm in town, I like to make sure I start a few fights with everyone else on his behalf.
My Dad, think Cheech Marin circa the Born in East LA years and for the record, he really was Born in East LA. He looked just like Cheech for years but now he is going for the long-haired-mexican-hippie look, think Benecio Del Toro in "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"- you know when he was a real unappealing slob? He's pretty worthless, has nothing going on ever. The type of dude that can roll a joint with one hand, because that's about all he has had to do for the last 40 years. He wants to be everyone's friend but behind the scenes he is the one gossiping and getting people like my mom all riled up. My dad is a frenemy, make no mistake about it. The good news is that he is afraid of me and my wrath and when I'm in town he knows better than to disagree with me.
My Mom, a complete and utter waste of life and space. Possibly the worlds laziest person ever. She does not work and hasn't in about 12 years, has no income and just mooches off of my grandparents. If she lifted a finger I would be surprised and might consider a parade for such events. She is a walking pity party and is sure the world has singled her out and chosen to be against her, this is one of the many conspiracy theories she has... The worst part is that she loves to raise her voice and argue, especially about the past. I know both the start and finish of each and every arguement since each one requires a visit back in time as nothing new happens in her life. The funny thing is that she tries to act like a mom to me and will make food for me (like toast or boxed mac and cheese - anything else is far too difficult) and she just sucks at everything except arguing and battling, oh the joy!
My sister, 21 years old and was lucky enough to inherit the worst qualities of BOTH of our parents. She has a poor attitude and thinks the reason she is fired from work is NOT because she was not a model employee but due to a deeper conspiracy of sorts, BUT she can roll a mean blunt. She LOVES to argue as well and is a REAL assh*le. She is just as lazy as my mom and doesn't wake up before 2pm-3pm DAILY. Just yesterday I called her trying to plan our snowboarding trip to Breckenridge and apparently its my fault she has no money to snowboard more than one day so she yelled at me and now I'm supposed to pay to hang out with her because she too is such a joy.
So far I have gotten about 3 phone calls prepping me for what is in store upon arrival to Denver. #1 My mom and sister are in a fight, my mom called to give me the details - my sister ate an entire Stoffers family sized frozen lasagna and left none for anyone else. WOW, I guess that means she has the munchies...why not ask her WHY mom???
#2 My Grandparents are in a fight with my mom and sister - because neither one of them has a job and they both have poor attitudes. Why not MAKE them get jobs or throw their asses out in the snow???
#3 My Grandparents are fed up with everyone. What else is new?
It really is a shame that you can't choose your own family...
3 comments:
I <3 your family without even knowing them!
omg! i am wondering who's christmas stories are going to be more hilarious. yours or v's? i also am wondering which of you is going to have completely lost it by the time you get back. i will be sitting back watching the puppies in laguna beach and laughing at your blog and random texts.
When do i get to chill with your dad?
Post a Comment