Rehab

There is a rehab for everything these days; shopping, gambling, substance abuse, sex addicts, etc. the list goes on and on. You pay for the program, check-in, receive treatment, make necessary life choices and changes, check-out, and move on with your newly rehabilitated life. A brand new you in 30 days and only $30k...

What I want to know is where do I sign up for relationship rehab? Or lack thereof...
Assuming I had the funds, I would pay for a program to rid me of the tricks my mind plays on me when it comes to certain boys. A program to rid me of the hopes and dreams I have of being with the guy who has dissed me for girls not nearly as pretty and skinny or famous as me. What girl wants to be #2? I mean I would rather be dead last then 2nd or "1st loser" - why? Because I LOVE to win and being that close to the #1 spot makes me want to continue to compete in a contest for which I am sure I will never win at, and that is grounds for me making myself crazy.

In this make believe rehab, we could treat the sick games we play with ourselves in order to get attention from these boys. You know the late-night secret rendezvous with men we have supposedly sworn off, the supposed relationship you're in that exists privately or our version of publicly... which consists only in front of the guys most trusted confidants. What about the endless interpretations of saved text messages of our failed "textmances".

Seriously, we're sick in the head! Why wouldn't we want to create a facility to treat this crazy broad syndrome that we all have? Why, because rehab is for quitters and I just can't quit YOU. I know I'm not alone in this, I have countless girlfriends who are happily idling on the backburner.

So why not continue treading water in the same place with the same boy? I will and I will self medicate with my favorite glorious beverage of choice and a pack of cigarettes... even though I quit.

Jessica Simpson - a lousy lay??

Why the hell would I post a blog about Jessica Simpson? I'm not a fan of hers and could really careless about what she does in music or movies. Whatever it is I don't buy it or see it. I usually don't have anything to say about her but I got to thinking and decided, she sucks at life.

She is pretty, skinny, rich, and has the world at her fingertips but she just can't do anything right in her career or personal life. Flop after flop in the music/movie business as well as getting dumped left and right by different men.

First of all, she opens her mouth and anything she says is the stupidest thing I have ever heard and she laughs like a moron throughout whatever she is saying. I want to vom when she speaks. She is super hot but a freakin idiot, there are a lot of chicks who are this dumb and hot but somehow they manage to win at life. What is the difference between them and Jess?

In my opinion...

Jessica Simpson must be HORRIBLE in bed.
She dated Nick Lachey for years and was a virgin until they married.
I watched Newlyweds and can't believe Nick put up with her for as long as he did. She was lazy, spoiled, stupid, and mostly ignorant as to how to do anything and everything. That guy has more patience than anyone on this earth should ever have. On the show, I remember her complaining about having sex 3 times per week. YOU'RE A NEWLYWED - that should be NO PROBLEM! Not only that but HELLO, you didn't have sex until you were in your 20's! You should WANT to do nothing but have sex all day long, right??

Hmmm lets think about this...
Can you just picture Jess trying to have sex? You know she is taking it missionary style but laying there like a "starfish" with her arms & legs spread apart (looking like a lifeless starfish.) How about on top? I could just imagine her whining about that or laughing her way thru it like its a joke, just trying to look pretty but not putting in any real work. Doggy style? HA! I just can't see her handling business in that department. I thought about it and maybe she has penisphobia and is afraid of the penis? A lot of girls are afraid of the penis UNTIL they have sex with the guy that beats it up - you know the one that brings the FREAK out in you?? Once the freak is brought out, you are down to get down and go down, ride that boy, and just all around get down with hot, sweaty, sex.

Maybe I'm not giving her the benefit of the doubt - maybe Nick was no good? So lets take a look at the other guys that have been with her since Nick.

So her and Nick separated amidst rumors that she boned "Jackasses" Johnny Knoxville and Bam Margera. Johnny never admitted to it but Bam did, and she ended up with neither of them. When Bam was asked about her "performance" by Howard Stern, Bam had NOTHING to say he just kept silent. After that, she had the hot piece of ass that is Adam Levine and he dumped her ass, twice. Adam Levine is a WHORE - who hasn't he had sex with? I imagine after all the practice this kid has had that he knows what he is doing. Girls love the Levine, and I just know he is beating it up. Then she hooks up with John Mayer (eeeeew) and they date off and on longer than she had dated anyone, he dumped her and now has a new girlfriend. The latest and greatest is that Jessica is supposedly dating Dallas Cowboys STUD Quarterback Tony Romo - how long until he hits it and quits it?

Why else would none of these guys want her? I know plenty of guys who will be with girls that are bitchy, dumb as rocks, but hot as f*ck and stay with them, but I dont know of any guy who will put up with all of that for a girl who simply sucks at sex. Sadly, I also don't know of too many guys who would have the heart to tell a girl that she sucks in the sack.

Boys, what do you have to say about this? If you suck at sex, do you suck at life? Does it go hand in hand?

The Problem with Michelob Ultra

As you may know us Mean Girls are working on our fitness or fitMESS if you prefer. While we are well aware of the "no pain no gain" and "nothing worthwhile ever came easy" philosophies (or as I like to call them "LIES") we continue our search for weapons of fat destruction. In the mean time however, we must do things like go to the gym and count calories *cringe and shudder*. It was bad enough when I realized that 4th meals were no longer an option but now I'm being told that my beloved friend alcohol is contributing to my ever increasing waistline! You can imagine my horror.... Especially considering that NOT drinking just really isn't an option for me at this point.


I was determined to find a solution, so I set out to my local liquor store on a quest to find a beer (obviously hard liquor has less calories but, hitting the bottle on weekdays.... enough said) that contained the fewest calories and didn't taste like ass. As is turns out there is no nutritional information on beer packaging so I turned to the Internet. (http://www.beer100.com/beercalories.htm)

Least amount of calories - Natural Light and Michelob Ultra coming at 95 calories each. I gave up Natural Light in 12th grade so Ultra it was. Normally I'm a Pacifico drinker but Pacifico comes with the hefty calorie tag of 146.


I have the research but I felt that it would be a disservice to our readers not to do some actual clinical trials. So I drink and I'm 4 Ultras in and am feeling a buzz equivalent to about 2 Pacificos... Not exactly the biggest bang for my buck or my buzz. Thus bringing me back to the title of this blog "THE PROBLEM WITH MICHELOB ULTRA" It does me no good to drink 6 Ultras to my 3 Pacificos. I can only hope our research department finds a solution to fatness and quick.

Sushi - another 5 lettered enemy of my checking account

Last night I went and actually managed to get out for $40! I deserve a gold star. The more I think about though, sushi really has me by my figuerative balls. I love it and will pay for it at least once a week and as if the sushi itself were not enough I find myself embibing in the sake and of course Asahi (what's a spicy crunchy albacore sashimi aka CHOP without an ice cold LARGE Asahi???)

Standard bill for me +1 is usually $100 which leaves me on a glorious sake high and in no condition to be driving. It's a social event, a comfort, and a solve-all for most problems. One would think being on a first name basis with the whole staff might do me some favors, and it does as far as free shots and prime seating but in the end it's a hinderence more than a help.

I'll stop there as I don't have much of a point and honestly blogging about the CHOP is only making me want it more. Now where did I put that credit card...?

The Standing Bridesmaid

One of my best friends is getting married next July and I am super excited to participate in her wedding, as one of her bridesmaids.

Immediately upon receiving the card asking me to be in the wedding I decided it was time for me to get serious and go on a diet. I was dead serious and lost 5 pounds right away just by eating better and making it a point to NOT run to the "Border" for that coveted 4th meal, I deserve a gold star, right??

A few weeks ago, all of the girls got together to go try on the bridesmaid dresses and surprisingly, they are not hideous at all! What WAS surprising was how incredibly OFF the sizes must have been because there is NO WAY in hell I could possibly be a size 14. I mean I was eating better and I lost 5 pounds.

WTF?!?!?

Now, I was expecting to be a 10 and had hopes and dreams of possibly leaving the double digits for that spectacular size 8. Really, size 8 would have been spectacular, but that was not the case for me! At this point I look around at the other girls all in size 2's and 4's and one of the girls in an 8 but ONLY because her newly aquired boobs wouldn't fit into anything smaller and I realize, holy shit I am the fattest bridesmaid!


I'm THAT girl, the one they are going to have to roll down the aisle, the one that the groomsmen will flip coins to see who gets stuck escorting me operating the crane that will crane my fat ass from the back of the church to the altar. Great. Just great. The bride SPECIFICALLY did not want a crane to hoist a videocamera to record the reception and I can't imagine she wants one in the church to lift one of her bridesmaids to the altar.

Now, its one thing that I am already the self proclaimed"token beaner" in the wedding and I am OK with that. Should anyone want to talk about pinata's and burritos or selling naranjas and fresas on the freeway offramp, I am your girl! But I am NOT ok with being the fat one. You know when everyone is reading the program and someone says:
Q: "Who is the bridesmaid with the non-armenian last name?"
A: "Oh, thats the fat one" ----> and points to yours truly <----

So here I am size 14 and the dress is ordered and one of the other girls says "You know, the dress was really tight on me and I didn't even try to sit down in it...I'm just going to work out A LOT and by July I'm sure it will be loose on me"

SIT DOWN?!?! JESUS! I didn't even THINK of that.
So, how the hell am I going to get into the limo? This means people are going to have to pick me up and place me on my back in the limo. Hmmm....maybe we could pretend we're playing that childhood game "light as a feather, stiff as a board" - NOT!!!!!!!

What about the reception? I saw the table where the wedding party is to sit, eat dinner, and toast the happy couple and its ON THE STAGE! So what? I'm going to pretend this is a talent show and I'm going to start entertaining and singing? No... because thats right, I DON'T SING! And last I checked this wasn't the Golden Globes or Oscars and I am not the trophy girl ushering anyone off stage after a long winded acceptance speech. So, I guess I will just stand there on stage the whole time and uncomfortably fuss with my hair like usual....right?

No. I will NOT. Needless to say, I am back at the gym working out with my nazi trainer roomie. I will be skinny and pretty by July. I will NOT be the Standing Bridesmaid.

Sideliners & Those Creepin' on the Come-Up

Ah yes, the "Sideline Chicks/Dudes" or "Benchwarmers" as I like to call 'em. We all know one, and at one time or another, you have been the broad warming the bench. You know, just waiting for the star player to get booted from the game so you can come up in there, bust a 3-pointer, and win yourself a spot in the starting line-up. Relationships are much like the competition you face on the basketball court, football field, and baseball diamond. You always have to be on top of your game, ALWAYS! Much like in sports, there is ALWAYS someone pining for your position. I've seen them training/gathering info for a possible takeover, tryin to creep up on your man and in some cases your job. There will always be someone that is envious or jealous of what you have worked so hard to get. The problem is this - people work so hard to get where they are, to get what they want, and to get what they have but then they forget that they have to work to MAINTAIN all of those things! Let's be honest, if a better offer presents itself you would be a fool not to take it!

Today I'm going to talk about a few of the main types of sideliners: The Opportunist, The Frenemy, The Sidelining Ex, and The Sidelining Ho. The Sideline Opportunist is one who stumbles upon their target and ultimately ends up "creepin on the come-up" because they found a better option that is theirs for the taking. The Sideline Frenemy, is one who is most likely a good friend of their target and their significant other, is well aware of their relationship status, and is content to "lay in wait" with hopes and dreams that one day the target will be theirs. The frenemy will often try their best to be a great friend to their targets boyfriend/girlfriend and try to be a "perfect match" to their target. All this is done with hopes that one day, when their target fights with their significant other or breaks it off with them, they will come running to the frenemy and realize that they were meant to be and that THIS is their perfect mate. The Sidelining Ex is the one that used to have the guy/girl and will stop at NOTHING to get them back. The Sideline Ho, is basically the village idiot you would NEVER expect to jump in and try to creep up on a come up, for you would never imagine they had a brain cell that would think of a plan in general. They act stupid so as to avoid anyone figuring out their plans.

Here are a few examples of sideliners in my life:
The Sidelining Opportunist -
When I was under age, I used to date this wannabe record producer, he was very serious about producing music and wasn't a big fan of going out or taking me out. However, he used to give money, smoke me out, buy me cool things, and let me borrow his sweet ride to take my girls out. He and I would chill out, play video games and have our time just kickin' it and I liked just chillin with him, that was really the basis of our relationship. So, the wannabe had this friend who really wasn't that good looking but had a reputation of being a player and had bagged a bunch of super hot chicks, we became friends and he had game but I couldn't figure out why...

One day, the player invited my friends and I on a free trip to Vegas with a group of people. My wannabe producer boyfriend wasn't keen on flying and things like that so he sent me on my way, with the player. I didn't think anything of it and certainly didn't think he was interested in me, it was just a free and friendly trip, right? So why not?

The player showed us all a good time... The booze was flowing, my friends and I were under 21, we're at the tables winning, and sampling all that Sin City had to offer. Next thing you know we're playing pool, which I didn't know how to play. The player gets behind me and starts showing me how to hold the stick and hit the ball... Something about him getting behind me like that along with my obvious state on intoxication made me decide that I wanted him. Why? Because he showed me a little attention, took me out on the town for a good time, and it was NOT what my boyfriend ever did with me. He quickly leaped from the friend zone to the end-zone/bedroom, TOUCHDOWN! He talked the talk, walked the walk, and offered some things that my current man did not. He also knew his strengths and that all he had to do was get me into the bedroom and I learned how he got and kept girls. He was "Mr. Pussy" (remember "Mr. Pussy" from Sex & the City who Charlotte dated? Ya. HIM.) He had serious skills when it came to going downtown and working the middle! Those skills, along with the other things he offered that my boyfriend did not, forced me to get rid of the boyfriend and falling for the opportunist.
So, I cheated! I ate the forbidden fruit (or it ate me...hmmmmm??) I was 19 years old and shouldn't have been in a relationship in the 1st place, but this was my first run-in with a sideliner. In this particular case, the sideliner was a good thing for me, a better option with more to offer me. After getting to know me and seeing what I was missing in my current relationship, he took advantage of an opportunity - he crept and we BOTH came up.

The Sidelining Frenemy -
I have a friend who has been friends with this guy for a good 15+ years. Since she was a little girl she has had a crush on him. This guy has no idea who he is and has been a poser for as long as I can remember. He has been a drug dealer, a gangster, a rapper, a singer, a club promoter, a student, a preacher, a pastor, and a white-collar businessman with your everyday sales job. Throughout all of his "life/path changes" she has followed him and stood by him, as a friend. She has jumped around and changed her life path to coincide with his. All the while she is in love with him hoping that one day he will see that she is the one for him. He has had girlfriend after girlfriend that she has befriended, then researches and gets information on them only to report back to him. She presents herself as a friend to his girlfriends, and goes out or spends time with them just to find information to burn the new girl out or watch her partake in activities that she KNOWS her "friend" would not like or approve of. Each time she finds flaws in his "flavor of the month" and each time he thanks her for being "such a great friend". What she doesn't realize is that she is in the friend zone and she will NEVER be the girl he wants to date or marry, if he wanted her he would have had her by now. This is your standard everyday sideline frenemy. You need not worry about this type as they are no real threat to stealing your man, their only threat is finding information out about you and finding ways to end your relationship. You should never trust this type of person, they should be easy to spot; the jealous type, overly friendly, and disgustingly nice in the fakest of ways.

The Sidelining Ex -
Another sideline frenemy is the Sidelining Ex. The one that "used to" have the guy. She once had everything she wanted and then something went horribly wrong or he realized she was crazy and they are no longer together. Rather than move on, she will continue chasing hopes and dreams and do whatever it takes to win him back. This one will decide to mark her territory and let the entire world know all of their business. From trips to the mall, movies they saw, talks they had, their bedroom antics and preferences, and she is most likely to be the girl doing the drive by on both his house as well as anyone she thinks might be spending quality time with him. The only thing good about this one is that she isn't trying to be sneaky at all.

The problem with this one is that she's a loose canon. Her paranoia has gotten the best of her and she is willing to lose friends by alienating her own friends as well as any of his friends who may be trying to talk some sense into him, whatever it takes in order for her to get the guy. It won't matter whether her guy has cheated on her, moved on with a new girlfriend, or moved out of state, she will pursue who is in her mind "rightfully hers." My advice, stay away from the guy with an ex like this. She will stop at nothing and in the end, the juice is NOT worth the squeeze.

The Sidelining Ho -
The last one is a bit more personal to me and really the most dangerous of sideline frenemies, The Sideline Ho. The one in my case had a striking resemblance to Britney Spears, you know in that white trash, low class, cute from far but far from cute kind of way? I'll refer to her as Shitney from this point on.

I had a boyfriend for many years who was a GREAT guy but not the guy that girls would swoon over. After many years, he was extremely well trained and turned into a metrosexual man with great style. My friends and I taught him how to dress, about great skincare, the importance of handbags with brand names 5 letters long, and basically how to be the kind of man girls would want and he would be proud to be.

One day, a new girl enters our circle of friends, Shitney. Everyone loved Shitney, what with her $2 shoes, her $1 Charlotte Russe skirt, and her $2 Forever 21 Shirt (when she choose to keep it on). For some reason, the bouncy white trash blonde from the mountains won the hearts of my friends with her ability to flash a boob and get everyone free drinks. She was always so nice to me and everyone, she was completely non-threatening. She always would compliment the great handbags and designer jeans I was wearing and formed a friendship with my boyfriend.

This is where I slipped up, yes ME! I was too confident in all my glory and never thought my perfectly trained boyfriend would fall for someone wearing Charlotte Russe or Forever 21, but somewhere along the line he saw a hooker with a heart, and it was NOT Julie Roberts in "Pretty Woman"! Eventually our relationship was over and boring and I had to put an end to it, time to move on. This is when Shitney, the Sideline Ho jumped into action. Not more than ONE day after the breakup and all of a sudden Shitney is the only friend my ex has, Shitney understands him and feels badly that all of our "community friends" are better friends with me or like me better. Well, Shitney was no good at operating on the DL and everyone was more than happy to tell me of their secret after-work trysts and how he had been paying and taking her out to dinner. Shitney saw the man I had helped build and jumped in it and on it, literally. From the sidelines to center court. This is why it is always important to constantly be working on your game and always be on top. You have to watch and see who is in the bullpen warming up to pitch their first ball in the game. Lucky for me, I was over this relationship but never did I expect a Sideline Ho/Frenemy to make moves so quick.

The American (Hopes and) Dream(s) at 23

I am in fact a home owner at the not so old age of 23. I have achieved the "American Dream" and I'll be honest people - it's not all it's cracked up to be! First of all what do I have left to do in life? Marriage...? Kids....? Are those things one really looks forward too? That's a rhetorical question.

With a few quick signatures my life went from boozing, vacations, shopping, sushi and maybe the occasional hooker to not being able to afford cable in my brand new house.... Irony is a bitch! In fact the smallest unexpected expenditures send me into a massive meltdown - and unlike my fellow contributors I am NOT use to charging, dodging, and hiding out from my creditors.

Mo' money mo' problems....? I think not Mr. Biggie.

So where does that leave me? Maybe considering plan B? NOT! Plan B is to take my clothes off for money and unless you know of any strip joints that Ray Charles might frequent plan B is out. I digress.

The moral of the story: I may be Queen of my castle, but what good is it if I can't affford to have minstrels mincing?