HSB

HSB (hot sweaty balls) is a phrase I use quite often that requires no further explanation. I've been asked to abbreviate it because certain guys get REALLY upset hearing it come out of the mouth of a pretty girl. One time, while at a club in Miami with my girls, one of them said "Its hot sweaty balls out here" and this random guy actually walked up to her, tapped her on the shoulder and said "You would have NO IDEA what that is like!" He couldn't believe that we would use those words to describe the weather, he obviously had some sort of HSB "condition" to feel the need to come over and say something about it. Every time I think about it I laugh, he was really angry and one of the reasons we decided to abbreviate it in public.

There are a few different ways you can have or be HSB and since I have nothing better to do today I'll let you in on them.

One of the worst possible things to have is HSB, ask any guy. There is nothing worse than being out and having a set of hot, sweaty, swamp balls as there is really no solution to the problem other than taking a shower, being hosed down, or jumping into any other body of water. For any guy trying to hook up with someone, HSB is an automatic deal breaker. Who wants to have their face or mouth anywhere near a set of HSB's?? For one, guys need to keep "the boys" in immaculate condition if they have any hopes and dreams of them being dropped into my mouth. This means they better motherf'n be clean and smelling nice, be trimmed or shaved completely bald (my preference), and they'd better not be a set of elephant nuts. Women have boob sweat and boys have HSB, its like the only scenario where guys have something worse than us ladies, I'd take boob sweat over HSB ANY DAY!


I like to use HSB to describe the weather outside or the temperature of anything other than food, its a great way to complain or get yourself out of doing something.

As much as I LOVE Miami or playing in the Caribbean it is HSB out there. It's so HSB that the moment you get out of the shower you are already sweating balls. Obviously, I love those destinations and will still get on a plane and go there even if its HSB because of the fabulousness of each place.
Otherwise, I don't do HSB in general and try to avoid being HSB because:

1. It gives me butter face/shiny face and HSB weather makes you look oily instead of sweaty.
2. My hair does NOT do HSB as it turns into a half-fro. Whether I blow dry it out straight, flat iron it, or wear it in its natural geri curl glory it looks like ASS within minutes of going out.
3. HSB conditions limit your wardrobe. Who wants to ruin great clothes with sweat marks?
4. I picture Lil Jon saying "Till the sweat drops down my balls" and I can't get it out of my head.

Snowboarding

Or as I like to refer to it, SnowDONTboarding. I woke up at 6am and made the trek to the Breckenridge resort with my assh*le sister and glorious grandparents for what would be an experience I'd love to forget...

By the time we rented our gear & paid for our 1/2 day lesson we had enough time for what I thought would be a few rides down the beginner trails prior to our lesson. WRONG! We nearly broke our damn legs & necks tumbling down the hill. It took about an hour to get down, and eventually I gave up, took the board off and walked down. The problem for me was that I could not get up into the standing position from the seated on my ass position. Why? Because just as u start to standup (with both feet binded to the board) the board starts to slide whatever direction down is before my torso made it upright (this may happen due to my lack of "core strength" or ab muscles.) I tried unlocking my back foot from the binding and using my back leg/heel as a "brake" partially on the board & partially dragging in the snow and that seemed to work until my toe slipped off the board & my back foot dragged in the snow causing me to do the splits at a high rate of speed...for those of you that don't know, I can't touch my toes standing and the splits were NEVER something I could do - I am anything but a "bendy broad."

I'd like to mention that I was NOT dressed for meeting cute boys. Because I wasn't sure I would like snowdontboarding, I didn't want to spend $800 to look warm, cute, and cuddly. So I decided to purchase some pants from Walmart for $25 that were about 5 sizes too big that made me look like I had droopy drawers (I thought I would need a lot of extra room for the layers of clothes underneath) and Mrs. TNA was sweet enough to let me borrow her cute jacket, goggles, and gloves - I was lookin good from the waist up though not matching... All in all I looked like a cross between a puffy marshmellow mushman & the pilsbury dough boy, hardly the ski bunny I hoped to be...

Now time for our lesson with Kenny, a HOT snowboarder from NY. Grrreeeeaaaaat, a hot guy to teach me, the "Deet da Deet" marshmellow straight off the short bus!! I took the lesson and I SUCK, mainly because I can not get up from from sitting on my ass. Once I'm helped up I am OK and can make it down without falling TOO MUCH but when I did fall it was hard and embarrassing. My ass is really banged up, I told Kenny about it and he replied "tonight you'll have to get that boyfriend of yours to massage that ass later" Insert sans boyfriend salt in wound --> here. As for the weather, it was approximately 4 degrees out, snowing, and really windy! I had my gloves off to fix my hair and then went to unhook my bindings so I could walk back up the training mountain for the 200th time and in taking off the board I ripped my middle "salute" fingernail half off and was bleeding everywhere. I still can't straighten my middle finger out completely, how am I supposed to flip anyone off now?? Luckily this happened at the end of the day so I did not have to beat myself up on the mountain anymore.

Today, I type this blog on my blackberry while in bed and its painful to do it. Every part of my body is sore and bruised. I can not walk, lift or close my legs and can not lift my arms. My hips, stomach (from trying to get up & trying to use my abs), my boobs, triceps, biceps, shoulders, back/deltoids, and neck are so gnarly sore I don't know how I'm going to make it in life. My middle finger is still really f'd up too, I have trouble washing my hands because once water touches my injury it stings & burns and that is a serious issue since I am an OCD handwasher! Due to this obstacle I'm having to learn to use my left hand to "wipe" when I pee. Oh how I wish I lived in 5 inch stiletto's beachfront apartment so I could have the luxury of her bidet, the overpriced rent would be worth it to set my mind at ease over this hand sanitizing debacle I'm in...

As soon as I'm able to get up from my bed, I'm going to make my way to the master bathroom and soak in my grannys HUGE bathtub with hopes and dreams of relieving some of this soreness.

In closing, I'd sum it up by saying: "Snowboarding, putting the P in Pain" As you know, I only like putting the P in the VaGee.

Merry XXX-Mess

Last night, the mean girls and friends got together for our own Merry XXX-Mess Dinner so we could see our friends before taking off for the holidays.

It started off with 1 bottle of wine for Lilo before anyone even got there. In her defense, her little puggle puppy was freaking out like a maniac and she had a lot to deal with such as cooking and cleaning up puppy's mess. Once I got there it was time to open the huge magnum sized bottle of Shiraz and start drinking.

We polished off a few bottles and we all cheated on our diets because we were drunk and hungry...at least I'm being honest! It was our own XXX-Mess dinner so I feel likeI maybe get a pass, right?? Plus, Mrs TNA made the most famous spicy sausauge lasagna EVER, I seriously could NOT stop eating it! I ate lasagna along with spaghetti with meat sauce by Lilo (yes, she can COOK! I knew it!) and then like 3 slices of garlic cheese bread (that I burned btw...) it was so delicious and the more I drank the more I just kept grazing on the food.

Needless to say, I am totally disgusted with myself today and STILL have a stomach ache from all the food I ate! I'm going to make up for it though, I am signing up for pilates classes and know that the financial commitment I am making will be enough to get my ass in there at least 3x per week. I'm also going to refrain from eating like that even if it means I can't drink like that...


Check back for updates on Miss 4 Inch Stiletto's glorious trip to "Meet the Parents" in Florida as well as my updates on my time in Colorado for Christmas with the Crazies, someone wish us luck!

Christmas with the Crazies

Tomorrow, I am heading out to Greeley, Colorado to spend Christmas with the Crazies aka my family. I don't say "I'm heading home for the holidays" because Colorado is NOT my home, AS IF!!! I grew up in Cali, was born and raised a Valley Girl , and have no plans to leave Sunny So Cal anytime soon! What sucks is that my family picked up and moved to the freezing cold Rocky Mountains and nowadays if I want to see them or eat my granny's famous Philly Cheese Steak Sandwiches or her English Shepherds Pie, I have to hop a plane and fly out to freeze my figurative balls off in cow town...

When I get to the lack of glory that is Greeley, I have the luxury of staying in my own room and sharing the house with my immediate family. I'll introduce you to them individually because I am sure I will be blogging and updating on the stupidity and ignorance that is my family while I am staying with them.

My Grandparents - My two favorite people in the whole wide world.

My little English Granny is completely nuts and in love with Leonardo DiCaprio, we will most likely watch Titanic for the millionth time and then we'll make it a double feature and throw on whatever Leo's latest and greatest movie is (The Departed maybe Blood Diamond again?) She will then ask me questions about what celebrity sightings I have had in LA and follow up with questions about my BOYFRIEND...or lack thereof. Next she will ask how I am going to give her a grandchild without a boyfriend and completely ignore the fact that I have never wanted to have kids in all 29 years I have been alive. She's real stubborn and will never admit she is wrong about anything...except that someone gave her wrong information which is obviously not her fault.

My Grandad is the nicest man in the whole world, he should be a saint. In my entire life no one has ever had anything bad to say about him except that he is "too nice for his own good" which basically means everyone bosses him around and walks all over him. It pisses me off and he never speaks up so when I'm in town, I like to make sure I start a few fights with everyone else on his behalf.

My Dad, think Cheech Marin circa the Born in East LA years and for the record, he really was Born in East LA. He looked just like Cheech for years but now he is going for the long-haired-mexican-hippie look, think Benecio Del Toro in "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"- you know when he was a real unappealing slob? He's pretty worthless, has nothing going on ever. The type of dude that can roll a joint with one hand, because that's about all he has had to do for the last 40 years. He wants to be everyone's friend but behind the scenes he is the one gossiping and getting people like my mom all riled up. My dad is a frenemy, make no mistake about it. The good news is that he is afraid of me and my wrath and when I'm in town he knows better than to disagree with me.

My Mom, a complete and utter waste of life and space. Possibly the worlds laziest person ever. She does not work and hasn't in about 12 years, has no income and just mooches off of my grandparents. If she lifted a finger I would be surprised and might consider a parade for such events. She is a walking pity party and is sure the world has singled her out and chosen to be against her, this is one of the many conspiracy theories she has... The worst part is that she loves to raise her voice and argue, especially about the past. I know both the start and finish of each and every arguement since each one requires a visit back in time as nothing new happens in her life. The funny thing is that she tries to act like a mom to me and will make food for me (like toast or boxed mac and cheese - anything else is far too difficult) and she just sucks at everything except arguing and battling, oh the joy!

My sister, 21 years old and was lucky enough to inherit the worst qualities of BOTH of our parents. She has a poor attitude and thinks the reason she is fired from work is NOT because she was not a model employee but due to a deeper conspiracy of sorts, BUT she can roll a mean blunt. She LOVES to argue as well and is a REAL assh*le. She is just as lazy as my mom and doesn't wake up before 2pm-3pm DAILY. Just yesterday I called her trying to plan our snowboarding trip to Breckenridge and apparently its my fault she has no money to snowboard more than one day so she yelled at me and now I'm supposed to pay to hang out with her because she too is such a joy.

So far I have gotten about 3 phone calls prepping me for what is in store upon arrival to Denver. #1 My mom and sister are in a fight, my mom called to give me the details - my sister ate an entire Stoffers family sized frozen lasagna and left none for anyone else. WOW, I guess that means she has the munchies...why not ask her WHY mom???

#2 My Grandparents are in a fight with my mom and sister - because neither one of them has a job and they both have poor attitudes. Why not MAKE them get jobs or throw their asses out in the snow???

#3 My Grandparents are fed up with everyone. What else is new?

It really is a shame that you can't choose your own family...

Scouting Location #1 of the Draft

I thought long and hard (no pun intended) about where to start scouting for quality boys/players to come and play for my team. I thought about what is most important to me (because it is my YOUniverse) and thought that a good 1st round draft pick would be a chef...
Who better to pamper and care for a girl than a chef??

I LOVE FOOD! Food is the first thing I ever liked that liked me back and there is nothing I enjoy more than sitting down to a good meal, whether its in a restaurant or cooked at home.

Since most of the famous chefs are already taken I thought that a good place to start looking for eligible players would be none other than the California School of Culinary Arts - otherwise known as Le Cordon Bleu. Some of the worlds best culinary artists are trained at one of the Cordon Bleu Schools and the world won't even know about these chefs until they are working as apprentices for one of the masters like Michael Mina, Gordon Ramsay, Mario Batali, or Tom Colicchio. I figure what better player to invest in than an up and coming chef??

Now, I'm not an undercover agent or anything and I don't want to put THAT much effort into it so you won't see me enrolling in classes (although I AM the Mexican Giada De Laurentiis in the kitchen). So, how am I going to meet these hot chef boys? EASY. I'm going to start dining at their on campus restaurant 561 Restaurant. It is completely run by the students trying to showcase their skills and that is what I would call the PERFECT interview! When I go out to dinner with my group of hot friends we manage to garner MASS attention wherever we go! If a group of 5-6 hot girls sits down in their restaurant I just KNOW they are going to do their best to impress us, specifically me. I always manage to get the most attention from waiters, chefs, and most importantly the maître d' running the joint. They love me because I LOVE to eat and I know my sh*t when it comes to food.

Now throw in a few bottles of wine to compliment our dinner and let me start running my mouth. Just add alcohol and watch me work the room. I'll have boys signing up for this draft in NO TIME!

THE DRAFT, Part 1

I'm not sure I would call it "desperate times" as someone that exudes as much famousity as me knows not of desperation...but whatever it is, it calls for GLORIOUS MEASURES...

Let me explain:

Almost all of my friends and contributors are currently involved in some form of relationship, booty call, or on again/off again romance. Lilo has the Random and the Situation keeping her warm some nights, 4 Inch Stilettos has her boyfriend Sam & his experiments to keep her busy, Posh Bride has her famous fiancé Adam, The Hollywood party girl good girl is getting serious with a film producer AND has a "friend" situation brewing on th DL, and now of course, two more of my girls who are NEVER up in the boy drama have managed to bring out (or in) boys of their own! First, my Roomie/the Nazi Gym Trainer has a new Nazi Gym Boy who has been taking her out and who she recently upgraded to spend the night "dates." And last but certainly not least we have crowd favorite, the ever evasive and competitive Beer Pong Hottie. BPH has been having some completely out of character late night trysts with a "friend" that we all know is beating it up in the right way, a way she is NOT used to! What will come of BPH and the boy is anyone's guess but you can bet she will not lie down without a race to the finish line.
Basically everyone BUT me is getting some action and I have NEVER been the one NOT getting any action!

Since I am not one to sit back and watch everyone else have fun, I decided to be pro-active and come up with a GLORIOUS scheme to get some quality ass. Of course this scheme will primarily benefit me and right now that is of major importance, as I am practically celibate after a few months SANS action from my regular booty call (who has since gone out and drafted a 21 year old girlfriend). This plan of mine is in lieu of the work it takes going out and sort through all the losers and scrubs in LA.

What is a Bangin' Alleged Ringleader like myself to do?? hold a draft

I am proposing a DRAFT of my own. Much like the NFL DRAFT I will be in search of quality free agents and eligible players to join my team, if you will. In the coming weeks, I will begin preparation for the draft which will include; scouting boys/players who I deem eligible to play for me/with me, checking statistics and facts in reference to their past performance or lack therof, and deciding what sort of signing bonus or contracts will be offered to my 1st round draft pick as well as any pick in the rounds that follow. We're building a team here and I'm willing to go above and beyond the salary cap to end up with a DYNASTY of GLORY, just like George Steinbrenner.

Much like American Idol, tryouts will be coming to a city near you. For those not located in a major city that wish to be considered, feel free to submit you applications here The Alleged Ringleader

IF I were to get married...

I have NEVER wanted to get married. I never dreamed of my wedding day as a little girl and never forced Barbie and Ken to get married and drive off in her pink Barbie corvette into the sunset. I've had many long-term relationships and have no fear of commitment, I just don't like the official title or something. I don't want to be anyones wife because you know some husband will say something like "my wife doesn't dance on top of bars in clubs..."
The reason why I never wanted to get married could have something to do with my parents, they have been together 29 years and never made it official...yet they are still together. NOT like most of the people I know that have been married.

My job requires me to visit and stay at FABULOUS 5 star hotels all over the world...really, its a brutal life I live. A few years back, I decided to take a little trip to the OC and checkout a new hotel near Laguna Beach. Well, after a weekend stay I decided that one of the main requirements for agreeing to "Walk the plank" would be that someone would need to foot the bill for my 5 star wedding at The St. Regis Monarch Beach. Obviously, my parents would not even think to spend $400+ per night to stay in one of their famously decorated standard guest rooms and DUH, and neither would I when I can stay for free in an Executive Suite :

The point is, my family does not have the $$ nor would they entertain the idea of the $250K wedding at the St. Regis...That is where my make believe super loaded fiance comes in to pick up the tab.

Now obviously, if I've found a guy willing to put up with the ridiculous expense that is the The St. Regis Wedding, I have OBVIOUSLY struck gold PLATINUM! Meaning, I am well on my way to my ultimate dream of becoming a lady of leisure. That means I have managed to secure my very own 401k Plan. The 401k plan being a guy that has managed to actually SAVE some money he makes while managing to spend a lot of money without it really affecting his style of living. The 401k plan would not know of any "blow to their finances" as there is sufficient funds to cover whatever damage I think I could do on any given Sunday Funday of day drinking, spa treatments, and shopping.

Humor me if you will, my make believe wedding of glory would obviously be filmed for an E! T rue Hollywood Story, Platinum Weddings, or some form of The Fabulous life of... 401K plans?? You get it! Because really --> me...getting married? That is headline and front page news to all the little people who's hearts I have crushed along the way. So anyways it would take place here next to the pool and overlooking the ocean:







The festivities would start in the late afternoon so that everyone has plenty of time for the luxurious drive up Coast Hwy as well as the time to peruse the grounds:






Obviously, Chef Michael Mina [Michael Mina Restaurants] would prepare the most glorious of aperitifs as well as entrées for my 300 of my best friends, all VIP's of course.
The champagne and cocktails would be free flowing at one of the many bars as no one would have to worry about drinking and driving home, when spending $250k for a wedding why not make it $500k and get everyone their very own room?

Ok, time to WAKE UP! Its 6pm and time for me to begin my commute home to reality...

Cavalli in My Closet

Yes, that is right bitches! Roberto Cavalli is a part of my wardrobe and has been since early November.

I braved the crowds and the masses on the day H & M put his collection on the racks and managed to snag two of the cutest items I have ever seen. Yet another reason for me to stay on-track with my diet. Who doesn't want to be the best looking broad at their company Christmas party? How much better is it that the theme of the party this year is black and white? What better item to wear than my FAMOUS Roberto Cavalli Zebra Print dress??



And just for sh*ts and giggles, how jealous are you of the Trench Coat? You can't tell but there is leopard print silk pockets and leopard print throughout.


I win, even if it is Cavalli for H & M.

Getting Serious About my FitMess™

I know, I know. Supposedly I was getting serious about my FitMess™ because I don't want to be the standing bridesmaid.

For those that are unfamiliar with the FitMess™ terminology, let me break it down for you. #1 I'm a hot mess and I regularly admit to being a mess and there are certain Messpectations™ people have for you to retain your Mess title, one of them would be that I'm too hungover to workout or that I should be downing mimosa's at Sunday Brunch in lieu of the gym #2 - working out, fitness, is now FitMess™, I haven't been very commited to it in order to see maximum results, therefore that too is a "mess". For example: I workout with the GymNazi/my Roomie/trainer until my ass and legs are so sore I can barely move and then what do I do? I eat because I earned it. Two steps forward and three steps back. Hence my FitMess™ that I have gotten myself into.

Well now two more important occassions have surfaced which require me to make even more of a commitment to my FitMess™ - My dirty 30 aka 30th Birthday and Posh Brides' World Famous Bachelorette party taking place in Miami, South Beach to be exact...

I woke up on Saturday December 1st around noon to Posh Bride calling to meet me at the gym. We had a stellar workout and the rest of the day I was happy with my performance both in the gym and in the kitchen. That day I realized I have 7 months and 7 days until my Dirty 30 and 7 months and 12 days until Poshs' South Beach Bachelorette Party Extravaganza. Basically, I decided I can no longer play these games with my exercise routine and my diet. 7 months seems like a long time but long gone are the days when I could diet for a month and work out a few days per week and be bikini ready. Long gone are the days of the Jenny Crack Diet.

I haven't been bikini ready since my last trip to Miami in May '06 and even then I was less than thrilled with the size of my ass and the size of my stomach. I can only play the mexican card so often, sure we naturally have a big belly but the size of mine is bordering on the "are you expecting" questions and those are grounds for grabbing a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream and completely losing sight of my goals.

My friends are sick of hearing me tell them what I need to do - such as wake up early and go the gym in the morning, that way I can't make up excuses about being tired later on in the day. Also my need to make a healthy breakfast for myself in the morning to prevent the Egg McMuffin run or giant bagel with massive amounts of cream cheese shmeared all over it. I've instructed people to call me fatty every time I try to reach for something NOT on the skinny bitch plan, and since Saturday things are looking pretty good! Its nice when your friends are willing to not only enable you to do bad things but enable you to be your best (besides who wants to be laying on the beaches of Miami next to a beached whale??)

Not only did I hit the gym and eat well on Saturday AND Sunday but today, Monday I managed to cross into unfamiliar territory - I woke up at 6am and I went to the gym! After 30 minutes on the elliptical and burning 300 calories I went home, made egg whites and wheat toast for breakfast and managed to pack a healthy lunch. Kudos to me, I'm well on my way to not looking like a COW!

Miami, here I come! By June I will be pretty and skinny (they go hand-in-hand) and I will be a hot sexy biotch - for once I won't have to get by being the "funny one" or the one with a "great personality". Its A LOT of work to be funny and witty, your game needs to be on-point to regularly lay the smackdown on people. This time the work will be done on my body, that way I can just twirl my hair while giggling & nodding, and not have to worry about using any brain power...which is good since I'll be drinking heavily! Tanned, toned, and glorious - mark my words or mark me a fatty.