My New Nickname

According to the Random, my new nickname is SLOPPY JOE. And for good f-ing reason! Let's take a tour of my 4th of July shenanigans.

Lilo and I were invited to our friend Guido's family beach house up in Ventura for a big party on the 4th. As it turns out, a couple of my high school friends (including the Random) have homes within a few blocks of Guido's so it was bound to be an inexpensive day of debauchery.

Lilo and I show up to Guido's house on Friday afternoon and NO ONE is home. Luckily, the doors were open and their dogs were friendly, because we waltzed our way in there having had to pee for a good 30 minutes before arriving. We heard from my girl T that Guido lost his cell phone doing karaoke the night before. Without a way to reach him, we decided to walk along the beach to try and find Guido, the Random, and our other friends. We walked on the beach, back to the house, and down random streets and could not see or HEAR the loud yelling Guido anywhere! Since wandering the beach and streets was not working out for us, and we were kind of lost in the area, we devised a fail proof plan:

Go back to the house, sit in the front yard, break open the bottle of Patron we brought with, and wait for someone to come home to find us.

Genius, right? Well, there was no way we were going to be able to take shots of Patron to the dome sans a chaser so we walked back into the house and helped ourselves to a glass of OJ to share and resumed our position in the front yard. I should mention that I have never before met Guido's mom, we have been friends for 18 years and I had yet to meet the DNA that makes up this Guido. After each of us were about 4 shots into the bottle, Guido's mom pulls into the driveway to find us and our bar of tequila, OJ, and plastic cups in her front yard. Thankfully, she is an obvious member of the Prozac nation and was nice as can be and was actually thrilled to have us. But where was Guido? Oh well, take another shot.

While sitting in the front yard, I look in the distance and see a shirtless Guido hopping into a truck with a random girl. Woo hoo! I run and stop them and inform an already inebriated Guido who has been drinking since 7am that he is coming inside and taking shots of Patron. At the same time, my girl T and her boyfriend show up along with countless members of Guido's friends and family. Everyone starts taking shots and Guido decides on some music to go with partying on his favorite holiday of the year; insert Bruce Springsteen CD - Born in the USA, press play and you have Guido rocking his own version of air guitar hero...

The details of what comes next are a bit fuzzy. Somehow or another 3 of us girls split a muscle relaxer and I'm not quite sure what happened but I do know that:

• I stole Guido's fedora and proceeded to walk to the liquor store with Lilo, T & her bf, and the Random.
• I stopped along the way to the liquor store for photoshoots in Guido's fedora on top of his neighbors Bentley Continental GT.
• While waiting outside of the Liquor Store, I met some minors and informed T that she would need to buy them some booze.
• The minor asked me if I would put the booze in the trunk of her car and while placing it in her trunk, I decided to steal her teddy bear (which her friends saw me do) and take it back to Guido's with me.

Next thing you know I was taking a nap in a bay window while my friends molested me. Lilo comes over and whispers to me that she boned the Random in Guido's bathroom/hallway.

I reply: "You didn't let that Midget throw it in your ass."

Lilo: "NO!"

Me (obviously unsatisfied with Lilo's answer): Got up and started yelling in front of everyone "Midget, you didn't throw it in her ass, DID YOU?"

The Random then escorted me to Guido's room where he was asleep on the bed. Told me that I should finish my nap with him, since he was also really faded off of the Patron and passed out for being completely inappropriate a bit earlier. I was drunk and obliged, passed out for a solid 20 minutes until I was unable to breathe any oxygen in the air. Guido had virtually turned the entire room into a Dutch Oven haven of the smelly farts ever. I then find out that the Random kept coming in there just to fart and leave. It might have gassed me into sobriety, I got up and we all went to dinner and to have a few more beers. Slowly the wheels were reattached and I was able to finish off the night watching fireworks on the beach with my friends.

Hopefully Lilo will tell her stories from Ventura as well, she might have more of a recollection of events than I did.