Dating Resume/Rider for the Ringleader

Cory over at Surfelport.com is pretty God damn funny. Someone posted a MySpace bulletin linking his blog about a month ago and today I checked back and felt the need to post something related to two different posts I read by him.

Savginas:
Could this be the reason I am failing at dating as of late? Are you boys onto me? Damn you Cory for putting my game on blast to all of your loyal readers! Thank God there are still guys dumb enough to believe that I really am a "cool chick" but maybe I am a Savgina?? In reality, I DO love sports and enjoy watching them with groups of people, most of which are usually guys that are always impressed with my sports knowledge. Unfortunately, the guys I watch sports with are just friends. However, I do get the feeling that they consider me one of those "cool chicks" seeing how we play videogames, discuss sports, dome, boning, the bat shit crazy broads they date, and the fact that I NEED TO GET LAID on the regular. I also like strip clubs, but since I am unattached/single/not dating anyone -- I only get the chance to go to strip clubs when doing things like taking my friends brother to his 1st strip club for his 1st lap dance or going with guy friends.

As far as making friends with strippers and Hooters waitresses, I would only do that in an attempt to be the ultimate wing-woman and get my guy friends laid. Why the hell aren't my guy friends trying to get me laid? Fucking haters. That or they like hearing the trials and tribulations of my failure these days. You can only have a hot streak for so many years, right? I'd better start looking into acquiring cats and collecting oven mitts.


Cory's Dating Rider and Resume: First of all, I have to applaud him for being so honest. I'm not sure what I would have done if someone handed this to me on a first date but I do know one thing for sure, I would definitely be getting laid if I found them attractive and could stand to be with them for the night. I also decided to totally bite Cory and steal his dating rider and use it as sort of a Meme, basically I'm tagging myself to complete it. And if you feel so inclined to do it, I tag you. And if we're lucky, maybe Cory will tag us as "thanks." ;)

The Alleged Ringleader

Personal Attributes & Experience:

- 3 successful long term relationships, one of which was 6+ years of living and working together, both parties are still alive and are friends.

- Developed and executed comprehensive dome policy and practiced on various males age 15-37 from 1993 to present.

- Chose quality over quantity in her sex life. Topping the charts with a "L.A." low record of 13 sexual partners.

- Implemented the skills of Giada in the kitchen, Tera in the bedroom, and Jackie O on the street.

- Yes, they're real.

Professional References:

"The Ringleader has taken dome to a whole new level, she brought it into the field of aquatics. She has established herself as the leader in dome with her signature move of upside down dome while rolling out of an underwater somersault." - name provided upon request.

"The Ringleader gives hope to those who are not blessed with a well endowed penis. She gives them a second chance to prove themselves in the sack." - Small Penis Boy.

"You haven't eaten, until you have dined with the Ringleader" - Everyone.

Dating Rider for The Ringleader

1 - You must be available for sex when The Ringleader has been drinking and hits you up between the hours of midnight - 6am. There are TWO ways you are allowed to "pass" on this: 1) When you have a meeting or work related function that can be confirmed in writing. 2) With promise of uninterrupted dome of 30 minutes or more at a date that shall not exceed 3 days after said sex was "passed" on.

2 - Sex with each other shall occur no less than 4 times per week. Dome must be provided regularly and NOT just for celebratory purposes. Additional amounts of dome shall be given and received for special occasions.

3 - Birthdays, Christmas, and Anniversaries shall be considered 5 Letter Holidays and gifts should be the standard 5 letters, bonus points for finding new 5 lettered gifts such as trips to ITALY or PARIS, both of which are 5 letters.The Ringleader happily gives up her 5 letters (the pu**y) year round to reap the benefits of your 5 letters (the Penis) and 5 letter gifts. The Ringleader is aware that she can obtain penis anywhere, yours + gifts makes you special.

4 - You must promise to never, EVER willingly insert your finger or any other foreign object into the Ringleaders bellybutton. Receipt of said rider acknowledges you have been informed of her freaky bellybutton phobia and promise that the only thing that could possibly enter her bellybutton on your watch could be a pool of your DNA.

5 - When spending the night, there will be no cuddling. The Ringleader needs her space when sleeping and not only do you bogart her bed, but your body heat makes her hot, therefore causing her to lose valuable beauty sleep.

6 - If you plan to sleep on her Cali King tempurpedic mattress, be prepared to provide references to the fact that you do not PISS THE BED, EVER! If you are unable to provide said references of that fact, be prepared to show financial responsibility with how quickly you can come up with $3k+ to replace it should there be an "accident." The tempurpedic mattress does not get "flipped" to make urine stains disappear.

7 - If you have air conditioning, you must USE it. The Ringleader does not consider "opening a window" to do the trick when she is hot. The Ringleader reserves the right to consider herself HOT if the temperature rises above 72 degrees Fahrenheit.

8 - Sex must not fall into routine. While it is perfectly acceptable to regularly finish in doggystyle, the rest of the act itself must vary from the moment it has commenced. Dirty talk shall be used as often as possible and shit talking is encouraged to bring out the best performance from both partners.

Does it seem like I'm high maintenance???