The Salesman

For those of you that read my post on Getting My Groove Back - that is a prime example of having hopes and dreams that you shouldn't have.

In the end, the super cute boy is a salesman...

He hasn't followed through on anything he said he would: aka our "date" and our relationship this week has been strictly business. He did however ask me what I was doing for the SuperBowl and stated to me that "We might still go to a bar though. Maybe we'll meet you there and you can me my twin bro."

WTF?!?!? I was offered a consolation prize, aka his twin bro. Which probably means he has a girlfriend or is not interested. I don't quite get how that works considering his actions less than a week ago consisted of many IOI's (indications of interest.)

Listen Mike: "You don't have to lie to kick it to the tricks and the bitches."

Grrr, salesmen!

EVEN THOUGH MY EXPECTATIONS ARE LOW RIGHT NOW...The worst part is that I will probably STILL text him on Sunday and let him know that I'm at the bar with the girls. I'll probably sit there like an idiot checking my phone and hoping he'll roll out.

I'm a stupid dumbass girl.

One Way To Annoy Me on a Monday

Call me repeatedly and DO NOT leave a voicemail.

Hang up and call back again, and again, and again.

When I FINALLY put my other call on hold and answer your very important call in my OBVIOUSLY irritated tone of voice, make up some stupid excuse about how you can't understand the voicemail system and how to work it.

Then tell me you were calling to inquire about a personal trip to Vegas in October and you are worried about flights and hotels selling out.

Part 2 (as today is proving to be RATHER annoying):

I just went to the fridge because I'm thirsty and had a Coca-Cola Zero that I left in there on Friday. It was still in the fridge but someone decided that they should: open it, drink 2/3 of the soda, and put the can back in the fridge. WHY BOTHER PUTTING IT BACK IN THE FRIDGE?!?!?!?! You should have just drank the whole damn thing and gotten rid of the evidence. Leaving the can in the fridge for me to find Monday was personal. Just wait until I find out who you are Coke Zero thief.

Then...

My favorite CEO e-mailed me with an urgent problem, he was charged 3x the amount he should have been charged for a car rental company who services an airport that only accomodates private planes. He is pissed because he thinks they look at him like some schmuck that flies private, and because of that he shouldn't mind paying 3x the price.

He told me to call them and "Wedge my foot SO FAR UP THEIR ASS they can taste Jimmy F*CKING CHOO!!!"

That made up for all the bs I have dealt with today, the fact that he thinks I'm wearing Jimmy Choo's to work, and wants me to wedge those Choo's up someone else's ass.

How The Ringleader Got Her Groove Back

About a month ago I met this uber hot guy in my office. He is the new sales manager for arguably, the hottest and most trendy hotel in LA. I do a lot of business with this hotel so I thought it would be a good idea to meet him and make sure he is able to VIP my clients and help me out when I need it. Well, I looked GREAT that day at work, cute outfit and had blown out my hair properly (THANK the sweet baby Jesus! I NEVER put too much effort into my work appearance) Basically, I made a good impression on him and we decided it would be a good idea to set a little soiree up at his property for some of my clients and colleagues = free food and drinks. About 3 weeks pass and he e-mails me discussing details of this little event we want to plan. I was SO STOKED! We exchanged e-mails regarding the event and would slip in personal questions about the other and share stories of our holidays spent with our families out of state. +10 points he is NOT from LA!!!

In the two weeks after we set a date for the event, I began referring to him as my new boyfriend to all of my friends/colleagues, and was interpreting our exchange of e-mails in such a way that I created my very own fauxmance in my head. We were calling each other at the office to discuss the event and I had REALLY gone out of my way to invite the right clients and group of people, Lilo and Stilettos are clients too by the way and DUH they HAD to be there!

The EVENT was last night. It was nothing short of AMAZING! I showed up at the same time as Lilo while Ms. Stiletto's and one of her co-workers were already there (cosmopolitan in hand) speaking with my man, Sales Manager Mike. First of all Mike is about 6 feet tall, which is a HUGE BONUS because I'm 5"9 and LOVE to wear heels! He was wearing a GREAT fitting chocolate brown pinstriped suit...who doesn't love a man in a well fitted pinstriped suit?? So of course I say to him "Wow! What a suit, it looks great on you" and Mike says "Thanks, I wore it just for you." = me melting inside and responding sarcastically "Ha ha, spoken like a TRUE salesman." I mean, I didn't want to THROW myself at him...yet!!!

Next I begin the schmoozing part of my job, introducing him to my clients and colleagues and generally being the perfect hostess. The drinks were flowing and everyone settled into their conversations leaving Mike and I to chat. I find out that he is 1/2 Italian and drum roll please.....HE HAS A TWIN BROTHER!!! I also find out that like myself, he resides in the valley in a city where the Mean Girls frequent a certain Mexican Restaurant and...

Me: " Living in Studio City, you MUST be at Mexicali ALL of the time."

Mike: "No, actually I have never been there but, I have heard a lot of great things about it. Would you like to go sometime?"

Me: "Absolutely"

GAME ON BITCHES!!!

The night goes on and him and I are sitting closer and closer while talking about anything and everything that we have in common, including sports and certain teams we like. It turns that my favorite college football team is the same University he attended. Now, I'm about 3 Grey Goose and Soda's into the night and am full blown flirting with him now. Making sure to touch his arm or knee while we are talking and he is doing the same thing. When we went for a tour of the hotel he walked behind me and put his hand on the small of my back and gently guided me down the hallway. Awwwwww!! I seriously got chills when he did that, it was such a subtle move but so perfect, I forgot how much I had missed it when guys do things like that.

After the tour, we went back to the lounge to drink and talk some more. We talked about our love of Italian food and thankfully my friends were chiming in about what a good cook I am and how I am my own Giada De Laurentiis in the kitchen! My friends then decided to tell him about Ago Restaurant and how VIP I am there and that he MUST go for great Italian food! At this point, him and I were laughing, connecting, flirting like crazy and completely oblivious to everyone else around us. Sparks were flying everywhere and when I would catch the eye of any of my friends they gave me the OMG face or the thumbs up. It was going so well, GO ME! He thanked me for setting the night up and told me how well it went and how he plans to comp me a night at the hotel anytime I want. Of course I'm like "OK sales boy but that is totally unnecessary." Ha ha I had to make sure this is NOT just a business-related situation, plus I don't want to seem to stoked ya know?

Everyone had decided to call it a night and Mike and I were alone while others were awaiting their car at the valet. He was concerned that I wouldn't get home safely being that it was raining and I was drinking. I assured him that I was fine (I really was fine as so much time had elapsed since we first arrived and began drinking). We then exchanged phone numbers and I decided to start heading home. Mike walked me out to the valet stand, gives me a hug AND a kiss on the cheek and says...

Mike: "You sure you're going to make it home alright"

Me: " Yeah, I promise, it's all good."

Then he kisses me on the forehead and says "Text me when you get home so I know you made it."

AHHHH!!! I'm back bitches, I am BACK!

I made it home and we began a brief textmance:

Me: "I'm home, safe & sound :) Had SO much fun 2 nite! Can't wait to hangout w/u without the biz aspect. Can't believe you went 2 University X"

Mike: "Glad ur home safe. Had a great time too. Let's def do Mexicali soon. Mascot of Team X all the way baby!"

Me: "Are you home too? Just want to be sure you made it as well."

Mike: "Ya, I'm home. Thank you"

Mike (again): Good night.

Me: Night.

Today, he followed up with me via e-mail thanking me for making the event MAY-JAH and said "Let's get in touch next week" in reference to dinner at Mexicali.

So basically, I'm planning the St. Regis Wedding...

The Importance of the Photo Shoot

The girls and I LOVE a good photo shoot! But, not the kind that involves a sleazy photographer with some bs business card who shoots in a low budget studio apartment in Chatsworth.

We prefer the kind of photo shoot that exists strictly for posting on MySpace and Facebook so that all of our stalkers and frenemies can see how much FUN we're having and DUH, how awesome we look. It's important to have these photo shoots because you know that an ex-friend or ex-boyfriend will eventually make the rounds and see you in your best casual pose. For me that picture is taken of my left side, holding a cocktail, head tilted slightly, sporting my signature sneaky grin with huge dimples, and most importantly my hair tossled like perfect post-romp bed head, the BEST you could ever have! Right there, you have your new default pic. You know its a REALLY good default by the # of profile views you're getting per day. People aren't leaving comments or anything, just rolling and hating. To those MySpace/Facebook lurkers I say lay off:

Sometimes photo shoots are pre-planned, such as for someone's birthday party at insert hot club, restaurant, or hotel of the moment, or a night out on the town where we KNOW there is a really pretty fountain, a bright red wall that will make our skin look flawless, or just an amazing backdrop/view. For those nights we usually have plenty of time to plan to work out and be "pretty and skinny," choose the perfect outfit, take the time to blow dry our hair out, perfectly apply our make-up and practice striking our best pose prior to the first of many flashbulbs going off.

And sometimes you have the impromptu photo shoot while crawling down Hollywood Blvd after a rough night and decide you should lay down next to the walk of fame star that was tagged 'Satan'

AKA - the photo shoot where you're not looking your best but, to anyone stalking your MySpace it's obvious you're having a great time. Then the haters wil start spreading the word of your newfound love of frolicking with crack whores or your "muffin top" from laying in an unflattering way. Either way, no publicity is bad publicity right?

The last and quite possibly MOST IMPORTANT part of taking GREAT pictures for us is the phrase we use in lieu of everyone say "cheese." Our phrase is so glorious that once people hear it, they repeat it and use it because it works. I'm often asked to take group photos by random middle-aged women, club-whores, sorority girls, or tourists out on the town and it NEVER FAILS to take a great picture because it gets people to think about the way they want to look in the picture.

Directions:

• 1st you make sure everyone is ready.
• You say "Ok, everyone look skinny and pretty"
• Then everyone laughs and IMMEDIATELY starts sucking in their guts or strategically placing their handbag over a flabby arm or tummy.
• Then you say ready on 3 "skinny and pretty" 1 -2-3

VOILA! Picture perfect.

Thank me later AH's.

Humpday Randomness

So my next-door neighbor, Michelle has been dating this new guy. Michelle has lived in my complex about a year and this is the first I have seen her with a guy that doesn't appear to be a friend. Michelle is really sweet and is always in a good mood even when she is rushing around, she is most definitely an innocent, good girl. She's on a routine, I see her everyday around the same time coming and going from the same appointments, work, work-outs, and on weekends see her heading out or back from the clubs with her girls. We usually say hi or stop and chat for a bit if we're not in any hurry to be somewhere.

So, last week we run into each other and I ask her about the guy that I have been seeing her around with (p.s. he's pretty hot - go Michelle!). She goes on to tell me his name and that they are seeing each other although not exclusive yet and she just seems so happy talking about him. Then out of the blue...

Michelle: "OMG, why are you asking about him? Did you hear us last night" ** note: our bedrooms share a wall and she sounds real embarrassed and guilty of something by the way her voice raised up a few octaves **

Me: "You know whatever you guys were doing, I'm not listening or paying attention. I was up late watching tv and just doing my thing. Besides if I heard you doing anything, I would probably start laughing and you would have heard me"

** Because Michelle is so new/innocent/young I find it hard picturing her doing all the bad things I do so I would most definitely laugh. After a bit of laughter I would maybe cry myself to sleep because even my innocent neighbor is getting boned. **

Michelle: "Oh good, I was wondering if we were being loud and I could hear your tv on so I knew you were awake"

Me: "Well....I MAY HAVE heard an ass get slapped a few times" ** I thought I heard clapping coming from her apt and thought why not just throw it out there?? **

Michelle: starts shrieking "OMG you know DETAILS, OMG!"

Me: "Ha ha ha no I really didn't know anything. I just thought I heard someone clapping and then thought about the fact that I saw the hot guy come over again tonight, and started wishing my ass was getting slapped"

I know, I know I'm an AH... But see, even my neighbor is boning!!!

I'm starting to feel like I'm getting Punk'D or this is the twilight zone or something.

What VIP Means At LA's Hottest Restaurants

Yesterday, there was a last minute dinner request to go out to Ago Restaurant, co-owned by Robert Dinero and some of the Weinstein/Miramax brothers. They have GREAT Italian food there. In fact, on an episode of "The Girl's Next Door," Roberto Cavalli told Hugh Hefner and the girls that his favorite place to go in LA is Ago. It's fantastic!

Now, anyone that knows anything about the restaurant scene in LA knows that Thursday nights are big nights at all the hot restaurants. It's nearly impossible to get reservations anywhere great between 7p - 10p. When I was asked to make it happen I was weary and they KNOW me at Ago. I call up and am offered a 9:30p reservation in the wine room (which is their private dining room in the back) - its a beautiful room but you don't see much of the action back there...Unless of course it's my birthday dinner where I have to have that space to accomodate my large party, and of course the entire cast of Californication is seated there sharing the room with us. We decided 9:30p would not work because A: I had a newbie coming and wanted them to see the action in the main dining area and B: it was too late. So I called the hostess back told her we would need to cancel and re-schedule for next week at an earlier time. She then called me by my name and said, "What time did you want?" I told her "8 or 8:30" and she confirmed me in the main dining room at 8pm. AMAZING! + 2 famousity points.

I'm used to getting special attention when I go to Ago. When I walk in there, the Manager, Maitre D, Servers, and Bartenders all make a huge fuss and its kiss/kiss, Bella this, and Bella that. They seriously love me over there or at least make me feel that way!! Last night we ran into Kenneth "Babyface" Edmunds dining with friends, Linda Thompson (Brody Jenner's mom and Elvis' ex girlfriend) dining with Natalie Cole (who btw has flawless skin), Mariah Carey, and Robert Knepper from Prison Break (who checked me out and if you watch the show you'll know why I felt dirty and jeebed out from that.)

Last night was full of glory. Since I didn't hear any of the special appetizers I love such as: Kobe beef carpaccio with fontina cheese, tuna tartare, or tuna carpaccio - I had to ask for them anyways. My server informed me that he would have the kitchen make me a beef carpaccio with fontina cheese and as an added bonus he added shaved black truffles to make the dish, extra special and it was FREE of charge +5 famousity points. He knows I LOVE black truffles, it ruled. In addition to that we also had the margherita pizza, Ago is known for their thinkn crust pizza's in their wood burning oven

Next I was deciding on which wine to order. I asked my server, Saverio what to do since I was between two bottles? Go with the Pio Cesare or the Vietti? He replied that I should do the Pio Cesar (of course it was $130 instead of $85 for Vietti) his reason was that I always go with Vietti with my meal...+2 famousity points, it's good that he knows exactly which bottle out of 1000 bottles that I get the most frequently.

Now for the entree, last night I went with the speical which was a Lamb Shank Risotto, it was soooo delicious. My friends ordered my usual dishes: The Rigatoni Alla Contadina which is rigatoni with pancetta, onions, and tomatoes and bursts of flavor in your mouth as well as the Gnocchetti with the meat ragu sauce for the table to share. My other friend opted for the Maine Lobster Risotto, ehhh I'm not a shellfish fan but she loved it.

Between courses we were being interrupted by the servers, managers, and the maitre d checking on me and how my new year is going and wondering why its been at least a month since I have been in. All the other patron's (celebs included) were staring at us wondering who I was. Motherf*cking VIP that's who.

At the end of the meal the 3 of us wanted a cigarette but none of us had any. I asked Saverio if they sold cigs at Ago and he replied "How many do you need? I'll take care of you." I replied "3, please." He came back to the table, handed us cigarettes and a lighter and by the time we got back to the table he had an array of desserts for us. Seven to be exact, all FREE and they normally cost $10 each, +2 more famousity points - who doesn't love free?? I then took a shot of limocello with the table and was nicely faded after 3 peach martini's, 1 bottle of wine, and 1 shot of limoncello.

At this point of fadedness, Babyface got up to leave and was walking past my table. I thought it was appropriate to give him a shout out, so I told him that 'back in the day' I used to bump "Two Occassions" and do all sorts of nasty things to it. I then followed up that comment with my signature idiot freakin dork move which was: make a fist and then two bumps to my chest followed by a peace sign. I know - 2 points for that LOL.

If you love Italian food and live in LA, you NEED to go to Ago Restaurant! They have one in Miami but it is just not as good as the one in LA. All of their pastas are made fresh, daily. The gnocchetti/gnocchi is so soft and delicious - they are little pillows of glory. I take many clients to Ago and recommend it to people all of the time, I have NEVER heard anything but good things back from everyone I have sent there.

Some Days You Are The Bird, Others You Are The Statue.

Last night around 5pm I get a call from one of my favorite clients, Newman, who also has become a great friend in the time we have been doing business together. He was calling me from Stockholm where it was 2am to let me know he received notification that his British Airways flight to London was cancelled. British Air had an "incident" yesterday which cancelled approximately 50 flights scheduled today. He had a flight on American Airlines that he was connecting to in London bringing him back home to LAX. I had worked feverishly all week getting him upgraded to business class on that American flight from Heathrow to LAX, not only because he is my friend and client, but because in the past week he had suffered a gnarly ear infection, gotten sick, and was feeling miserable. The guy NEEDED this upgrade if he were to survive the 11 hour flight back to LA anad generally make it in life.

OF COURSE every flight on any other airline that would allow him to make his connection was completely sold out going to Heathrow! Even IF he were to stay another day and fly home Saturday, there was no seats in business class available for me to get him that upgrade for the Trans-Atlantic flight, so we were really stuck. Eventually, I found him this ridiculous flight leaving at 6:20am connecting in Amsterdam to a different airline that would have him arriving in Heathrow at 10am, allowing him 1 hour and 40 minutes (assuming all flights are on-time) to clear customs/immigration, change terminals, get through security at one of the busiest airports in the world, and hope he could make it before the door closed on his American flight. This is something that is NEAR impossible, Heathrow is a friggin nightmare even with a 3 hour layover! Now we needed to concoct a plan to make this work and avoid crushing his hopes and dreams of getting home on Friday. More importantly, it had to work because all week he had been looking forward to the luxury of being served of warm nuts, laying flat in his bed/seat, kicking his feet up on the foot rest, and getting some much needed sleep on an 11 hour flight.

At 2:40am Stockholm time he sends me the following message: I feel like Linus in Peanuts and Brrrrholm has a cloud over my head.

Me: Thinking, I HAVE to make this work for him we HAVE to pull this off. Poor guy :(

We then come up with the plan, mind you he is incoherent, it's the middle of the night, he's sick and having to figure things out and write things down in a way that will make sense to him in a few hours. Our plan: He is going to ship his luggage from the hotel in Stockholm, home to LA. We figure this will save time, he won't have to go collect bags and re-check them in, nor will he have to schlep them around. The fact that he may need to RUN to catch his plane makes schlepping impossible.

Next E-mail from Newman at 3:49am:

The journey begins. Bag is being shipped, front desk tells me no train leaves until 4:30am, I get a cab ordered for 4am and just got a wake up call that wasn't needed for my cab since I can't sleep. One hour of sleep and I start. You may want to document this all in your blog. May I never see Suckholm again and British Air will pay. If I don't get nuts, there may be a new headline at Heathrow. I should probably get off my plane in the Damn Dam and go to the Red Light District and a cafe instead of attempt this.

Next E-mail from Newman at 5am to both me and his girlfriend:

Subject: WHY...

At 4:30am does a lady sit in front of the TV I'm watching with 3000 seats available? Even worse, it's Greys Anatomy in Swedish and I was actually upset. Some days you are the bird, others you are the statue.

At this point I am at Ago, one of mine and Newman's FAVORITE restaurants. He knows this and it doesn't make him happy knowing that I'm basking in glory eating Rigatoni Alla Contadina and getting served like a celebrity (I'll blog on that later.) I find out that they happen to have this lemon ricotta cheesecake that is his FAVORITE dessert ever, he's not a dessert fan btw. Out of the number of times we have been to Ago they have only had this dessert once. That one time, Newman literally engaged in a fork fight with everyone at the table guarding that piece of cheesecake and stabbing our hands if we got anywhere near trying to slice a bit off with our fork. I remembered that event, and being the assh*le that I am, I decided to send him an IM on BlackBerry messenger:

Me: Saverio (our waiter) just said they have the lemon ricotta cheesecake tonight

Newman: That hurts more than a 10 hour coach ride.

** I am sooooo going to hell, aren't I? **

Blackberry IM from Newman at 3:10am LA time: Made it, owe you and love you.

There is a reason I am travel agent extraordinaire.

Getting caught up

And NO I don't mean getting caught up with the law...but rather, getting caught up with my normal life, daily activities, and routines that I am accustomed to.

I've been traveling so much lately and in the last 30 days I have slept in my bed a total of 9 nights. Those of you that know me, know that my tempurpedic mattress is my most prized possession in life. When I am gone, I miss sleeping on my California King bed of glory! I am just now catching up on sleeping in comfort and enjoying my position, which is sprawled out diagonally across what is solely, MY SPACE on the bed.

I'm REALLY having a tough time getting caught up on my Internet browsing such as: celeb gossip, self help columns, MySpace stalking, Facebook super poking, blogging, reading my fave blogs, and checking my multiple e-mail accounts. Since I have been on the road, the only Internet browsing I have been able to do (without being in a seedy Mexican Internet Cafe) has browsing on my BlackBerry which is great, but can hardly fulfill the multiple clicks back and forth between sites that I can usually achieve my having multiple tabs open on a regular browser. I don't even know where to begin! I didn't even know that Nicole Richie had her baby until yesterday! This would be the sort of thing I would know IMMEDIATELY by the multiple times I refresh TMZ daily.

Now that I have Internet access readily available to me all day at work, I find that my clients apparently want me to work on trips for them and that my company expects me to work. I had hundreds of work-related e-mails to sort thru from being out of town the past week and just when I get finished doing that my phone rings and I have to book something for someone and make money. Once I'm off that call, I get an e-mail from a friend in who is having a bridesmaid crisis that I need to pay attention to. While all of this is taking place I am getting hit up left and right on AIM...now I'm one of the best multitaskers I know but catching up on reading while doing all these other things makes it difficult for me to comprehend what the hell I am reading. Look people, there is only so much of me that can go around! Sure, right now there seems to be a whole lot of me as my weight has ballooned to walrus proportions but, currently that is something that I do not wish to be spoken to about.

My DVR is pretty much full of shows I MUST get caught up on because all the AH's at my work keep talking about shit I haven't seen and are ruining my TV life. I haven't watched: The last TWO episodes of Gossip Girl, Chelsea Lately, Rock of Love 2, Celebrity Rehab (which I heard is my next new fave lame show), Big Shots, Prison Break, LA Ink, an E! True Hollywood Story, Dirty Sexy Money (if it was on??), and who knows what else! I went into a full blown panic last night when I saw the hourglass sign of impending deletion next to every show! So even though I NEED to go to the gym and get caught up on my FitMess™ - it may have to be postponed to the early 6am FitMess™ routine tomorrow morning. God forbid one of my shows is deleted prior to me watching it.

My least favorite part of getting caught up and back into the swing of things would be catching up on my bills. Those f*ckers run fast and I'm not big on chasing or catching them, so in turn, they chase me. I can't even begin to explain the number of bills I have to pay immediately, with no means to do so. The unexpected and worst part is that I just got paid yesterday and did not realize that I had no more paid vacation time to fund my little Mexican getaway last week. I looked at my paycheck and noticed that I took last week off un-paid and without my knowledge.

In bonus news, I am beginning pilates classes next week. I figure that with the combination of cardio at the gym and pilates classes (with instructors NOT just mat classes like you see in the videos) I should be able to hit my FitMess™ goals in time for my 30th birthday and fabulous trip to Miami in June.

To sum this whole rambling nonsense up, lay off for a bit. I'm working things out and will be back to blogging on the regs and back to knowing anything and everything going on in the world of entertainment, MySpace, and TV.

When your "friends" don't answer your drunk dial phone call

My asshole "mean girl" friends didn't answer my 4am (Puerto Vallarta time) phone call this morning. It could have been an emergencia, I could have been kidnapped for ransom here in Mexico and they didn't answer my call....

Now the future looks dim, the natives here in my homeland of mexico where mi familia is from are going to sell or auction me off to be in the circus aka "the donkey show" - not the broad that bones horses, but the low budget show where she has to bone donkeys. Me, the donkey boning extraordinaire.

THANKS LILO AND 4 INCH STILETTO. I am now an "attraction for gringos." Just what my parents hoped and dreamed for me. A spectacle of sorts.

You guys are assholes and I hope at least you visit me in the Zona Romantica...

Things I <3 About the USA

Please note, 4 Inch Stilettos was asked to post this, as The Alleged Ringleader is an AH (asshole) who is currently blogging poolside in Mexico.

For those of you that do not know what I do for work, I am a travel agent. Not just any travel agent, but a sought after travel agent extraordinaire. My job has a lot of bonus perks and gives me the opportunity to "work" and do research in exotic locales while sipping fruity cocktails complete with umbrella's (ella ella ay ay ay) in them. It's a rough life, what can I say? Out of the many countries I visit, I discover the things I love most and the luxuries I have become accustomed to when roughing it in 5 star hotels such as: european frette linens, double pillowtop mattresses, huge soaking bathtubs with separate stand up showers, butler service, and unobstructed views of the ocean, city skylines, and famous statues or monuments all from the comfort of my suite.

In addition to learning about all of the wonderful amenities I enjoy having at my disposal, comes the realization of the little things I miss having at home in LA. The things I <3> about the USA.

1. Toilet seat covers. This should NOT be a luxury, who sits on bare toilet seats in public restrooms in strange countries? No one! This means you usually have to either make your own seat cover out of toilet paper or bust out with the squat move. Neither of which are easy to do when drunk off your ass. When I'm drunk, I try to squat & usually end up falling on the toilet seat that I've just managed to piss all over while squatting, GROSS!

2. Free refills. I'm a thirsy mofo! Living in the USA, we have supersized drinks and free refills on non-alcoholic beverages and I take full advantage of anything free! In foreign countries, they give you 1 can of diet coke and its $5 - you just have to learn to make it last the entire meal because paying another $5 for a can of soda is ludicrous.

3. Restaurant ratings. I don't know if this is just a "LA thing" but boy do I appreciate the sign on the door that says "This establishment received an A or B rating at the time of inspection." You don't even have to walk inside to know whether or not you want to eat there. It saves you looking like an assh*le when you walk into a restaurant and notice something like a vermin infestation or swarm of flies and decide to walk out. The natives give you a look like you're a p*ssy for not being able to stomach vermin.

4. We lack really smart insects. Why is it that anywhere you go outside of the US the insects are genius? You should really be able to leave pastries and glorious treats you bought yourself out in the refridgerator, the microwave, or plastic bag they came in without having to worry about reaching in there for a treat and having your hand molested by a swarm of military trained midget ants that have taken over your leftovers. The mosquitos should also care and take the hint that you do not wish to have your blood sucked when you spend an extra 30 minutes lubing yourself up with OFF.

5. Do not disturb. When you hang the DND or NO MOLESTAR sign on your doorknob it means "do not knock on door, do not make-up room, do not turn down bed, do not enter!" For some reason the maids don't get this. They see it as "they must have gone out and forgotten to take the sign off, surely they want me to molest their room." The reason they see it like that is that they are paid on the # of rooms they service and the # of times per day. So in poor/3rd world countries, come hell or gray water they will go in there & service your room. If you complain they will say the DND sign must have fallen off the knob and then you will REALLY pay when they find new ways to molestar your toothbrush.

So far those are the things I noticed that really bother me about not being in the US while on this vacation. Obviously the tequila and fajitas I'm ingesting while sitting poolside far outweigh the minor irritations and luxuries of home.

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My warm-weather vacation wardrobe???

Yesterday, I packed my clothes for my 7 day trip to Puerto Vallarta and the contents of my suitcase did not thrill me. I realized that the majority of the clothes I brought to wear in Mexico were something that a plus size woman from the mid-west would take on vacation. You know, the lady with the pasty skin who has worn a different color/tropical pattern muu muu each day?I think that is me!! What happened to my warm weather vacation wardrobe?

Duh, I'm a freakin fatty and don't fit into the standard skimpy, summertime, short shorts, mini-skirts, and sundresses I was wearing a few months ago. I didn't even bother trying on my Chip & Pepper cargo shorts or any of my shorts that are not equipped with an elastic or drawstring waistband. I know they wouldn't fit and I'm not going to kid myself and bring them so I can look at them when I wish I could wear them out, its depressing and a waste of my new found need for plus size luggage space.

Now it's not like the clothes and dresses I packed would be considered your traditional muu muu, they are more of a stylish variation of the muu muu. I primarily brought dresses to wear because they aren't restricting my stomach and ass, which is more comfortable once you've porked out like me. My how the cuts and types of dresses I wear these days have changed! #1 the garbage bag dress, I have quite a few dresses and tops I consider to be garbage bag-esque. The basic description would be - a dress that is fitted around your chest area or empire waisted and then is loose with no form or shape while covering your torso/tummy, the key is that it doesn't show the actual size of your waist. Here is a picture of one of my garbage dresses, as you can see this one is quite fancy and versatile, it can be worn a number of ways and not draw too much attention to my problem areas. Another type of dress that I brought is the caftan, it's cute and looks like a glorified tent (instead of a garbage bag) turned into a dress. The caftans are some of my favorites because: YAY I fit into a MEDIUM, it draws attention to my boobs, and the bonus is there are only a few angles I look fat in! I bought 3 caftans in different colors and prints. In a way, it's just like the mid-westerner with multiple muu muu's.

I want to have variations of clothes I can wear, I can't let anything get in the way of my fitmess between now and July. I have to be skinny and pretty for Miami, my dirty 30th b-day, and the wedding. I don't want to be wearing glorified muu muu's on South Beach. Plus, me losing weight and getting in shape means I can justify spending $$ on fab new clothes!! I will have a fab summer vacation wardrobe again, it will fit me properly, and it will be slutty and skimpy just like it should be.

Britney Spears

I can't take it anymore! PLEASE, NO MORE BRITNEY SPEARS NEWS! I don't want to hear anything about anyone in the Spears family ever again! I thought my family was crazy but these folks have far surpassed insanity or anything that makes sense in this world. I feel like I'm being duped and this can't really be real, it has to be some sort of joke. Am I REALLY hearing the minutes counted down of every single thing that happens during Britney's day and in her family's lives? Not only that but I have to hear other peoples "speculation" on what happened, how they are doing, as well as the two cents added in by whomever has heard from Britney, the Spears family, or K-Fed.

As if we needed more attention to this matter, Dr. Phil has gone in to see her and thinks she is in dire need of a medical and psychological intervention and he thinks its a good idea to share that with the world. Its not a private issue at all, her parents are going to be on Dr.Phil's show next week to discuss their daughter and her problems. SERIOUSLY? Who thinks that is OK?? I just know that if Britney wasn't famous her family would be on the Jerry Springer show, they are white trash to the max!

I feel like these reports have only just begun, the amount of attention and time spent hearing about her is going to get worse. Monday morning on Good Day LA, I'm sure I'll see a new special segment "Breakdown: Britney Spears" - they will cut to a reporter on hand at Camp Britney/Wherever she is holed up and we'll get to see a shot of the hotel she is staying at or the gate outside her house. In lieu of my daily traffic and weather reports, I will hear all things Spears. I will just guess which route to take to work and what to wear and hope for the best while listening to Ryan Seacrest talk Britney during my commute. The thought of this becoming a reality makes me want to stab myself in the eye with an unsharpened #2 pencil.

Thank God I will be in Mexico for the next week, at least the news will sound new in Spanish.

Trolling at the Backstage

New Years Eve sucked balls for the mean girls and was NOT at all what we expected, which is always a fun filled night filled with famousity that usually carries on into the next day. Each of us were in different places and nothing worked out for us to get together and be with our friends and we just can not accept that as a triumphant entrance into 2008.

So, tonight is the night we will be celebrating New Years Eve and officially entering 2008. We are celebrating it at one of my favorite local dive bars/karaoke bars, the Backstage. I don't know what it is about the Backstage, but I have managed to hook up with hot italian boys and my friends and co-workers of all ages also manage to hook it up there as well. Its like there is a plethora of decent looking single guys and girls there and when mixed with alcohol, karaoke, and laughter it almost always equals a good time!

This year, my resolution is to actively troll and recruit boys for my draft. I plan on keeping this resolution if I ever plan on having sex again. I also feel like by actively searching for someone to hook up with I'm not giving up all hope and therefore won't want to eat my weight in quesadillas. Apparently no one wants to see what mass amounts of quesasdillas do the naked body.

I think a good/surefire way to secure a line up of available boys would be to do the following:

1. Have a few shots to go along with my cocktail of choice, Belvedere & Soda.
2. Sign up for karaoke in a group form with my other single friends such as Lilo.
3. Sing "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls.
4. Emphasize the Oooooohh, Oooooooh, Ooooooohhhh's in the song.

Who knows if I would actually do this, I have been known to get up there and sing only when the songs and/or performance would merit lots of laughs, and I think this would fit into the funny realm of songs to do. In the past I have sang karaoke to: Baby Got Back, My Humps, and Dontcha and they all turned out pretty well.

Stay tuned to find out whether I touch myself or someone else does.