How I Became The Alleged Ringleader, Part 2.

In case you missed it, you can catch up on my earlier post here, Part 1.

I got away with a ton of shit in elementary and I feel like God and my parents got back at me for all that during my middle school years. This was my first experience at a school where you had lockers and changed classrooms and had different teachers every period. All I could compare this to was what I had been watching on Saved by the Bell except the students were younger and had a lot more money than those at Bayside High.

Here are some examples of how God has a sense of humor and how my asshole parents managed to get the best of me:

#1 - In the summer before beginning 7th grade at my new Catholic College Prep School my family took us on a trip to Orlando, FL to go to Disneyworld and all the other amusement parks. A few of our neighbors and their kids came along too. Once we got there my parents told us we were going to see a live taping of America's Funniest Home Video. Back then, it was the coolest show on TV and every person I know watched on Sunday nights, I was obviously excited to go as I could tell all my cool new college prep friends about my glorious vacation...

During the taping, this video came on and it looked A LOT like my little sister and my next door neighbor learning how to ski, I remember saying to myself:

"No way, this can't be THAT video ::pauses 5 seconds:: SHIT! IT IS THAT VIDEO!" The moment I am thinking this, the camera turns and focuses in on me and you can clearly read the OMFG on my face. What was on this video? Well, you're in for a treat and one of my most embarrassing moments in life.

About 8 months prior to this video showing up on tv, my family and my neighbors went on a community ski trip to Heavenly in Lake Tahoe. My neighbor Guy and I took the gondola up to the ski lifts and then the 15 minute ski lift up to the top of the mountain. Once I got to the top, I had to pee like it was no one's business. Guy and I started to ski down the mountain and we made it about 1/2 way before I realized I was going to piss myself and could not make it down to the gondola, to then take off my skiis, and ride the gondola to the restrooms. Guy told me I was gonna have to go behind a bush, I had no choice. So I un-did my ski overalls, pulled them down and squatted to pee. Right as I got into a squat I realized I was not squatting parallel to the mountain and as I began to pee, I started moving backwards, down the mountain, at a high rate of speed. My ass was literally bumping up and down hitting the ice/back of my skiis and no matter what I did I could NOT make myself fall or roll over. I was in the perfect aerodynamic position to go as fast as humanly possible and since my pants were around my ankles I could not stand up to gain control to fall. At the top of the bunnyslopes there was my neighbor, filming her daughter and my little sister skiiing for the first time. She only HAPPENED to catch my bare ass up in the air in the background for a solid 10 seconds. Eventually I came to a stop by running into someone, a naked ass collision. My ass was bruised and varied between the color blue and purple.

My parents and asshole neighbor submitted it to America's Funniest Home Videos and it was picked. My ass had a black line across it for the broadcast. The best part of all of this was that I had been at my new school for exactly ONE WEEK and the Sunday prior to my 2nd week of school is when the episode aired. No one would have known it was me except that they showed me and my reaction in the audience to the video, it was clear as can be. Monday morning at school everyone had seen my ass, or the blackline covering it in all its bouncing on the ice/snow glory. People actually said "I saw your butt" a number of times to me throughout the week. I basically became bare naked butt girl overnight.

#2 - I wore Cross Colours...

and I didn't just WEAR them, I wore them backwards. You know, like Kriss Kross? I was totally krossed out, just like every other rich dorky white kid at my prep school, we thought we were urban I guess. I had them in every color and if I had any pictures of me wearing them I swear I would post it! My dad found these clothes to be ridiculous, for one I was wearing mens clothes 8 sizes too big and second, they were colors like bright lime green or lemon yellow. So one day I went to Magic Mountain with my friends and of course I was totally krossed out, being cool. My parents didn't trust me and often my dad would just show up places I said I was to check up on me. There I was, standing in line for the log jammer and my dad shows up WEARING MY LIME GREEN CROSS COLOURS with a sleeveless MUSCLE T-SHIRT!!! He then says "Yo, what up Kris?" as if one of my friends was in Kriss Kross and was going to make him "Jump, Jump!" I almost died of embarrassment, +1 more points for my parents, touché.

#3 - My poor friend Sean got stuck sitting next to me in every single class because they used to seat us by last name. Sean was a nice kid, but really quiet and he NEVER wanted to be the center of attention. I wasn't having any of that, I needed non-stop entertainment. So if he wouldn't talk to me I would torture him. He was the 1st kid to have the Nike version of the Reebok Pumps, those shoes were like $135 back then, it was obscene! When he was paying attention to the teacher in class I used to un-tie his shoes and tie them to the desk and then he would get up to turn in his test or to leave the class and drag the whole desk with him and everyone would laugh. Once that happened so many times he would check before getting up to make sure he wasn't going to take the desk with him. I then used to un-zip his backpack when he wasn't looking so he would walk and all his things would fall out. One day he had enough of that and literally picked me up and slammed me against the lockers and told me to "Stop fucking around!" it was hilarious. Funny thing is that Sean doesn't speak to ANYONE that we went to middle or high school with EXCEPT for me, I tortured this kid for years and he actually enjoyed it.

#4 - Quinn. She was the Queen Bee at my Middle School. Tall, blonde, rich, and had the best clothes to wear on free dress days. I didn't like her name, Quinn and I just didn't like her and her posse of wannabee's. One day she asked some people in gym class if we ever queefed, I didn't know what that meant and I didn't like her and her stupid words. So I started referring to her and her wannabee's as Quinn and the Queefers to my close friends, it was great. One day I managed to get my hands on her gym shorts and NO ONE wrote their name on their shorts in the allotted spot cause it was uncool. So I used a marker and I wrote Queen Quinn Queefer on her shorts. Somehow, she never found out it was me but once everyone in the class saw it and were talking about it the next period, I made the joke that it should be her posse's name, Quinn and the Queefers and EVERYONE loved it. haha

#5 - In the school yearbook I was voted Best Excuse Maker. I had the teachers wrapped around my finger. I had the greatest excuses for not having my homework completed and I could often get our teachers to watch a movie in lieu of doing actual work.

Stay tuned for the teen/high school years, they were by far the most exciting and drama filled!

How I Became The Alleged Ringleader, Part 1.

For as long as I can remember I have been a trouble maker. I don't know why I did the things I did but, I assume it was because I could either get away with it or just to see if i would be caught. Whatever it was, let's just say I liked to keep the water moving in everyone else's stream. This is probably going to be a 3-part post as I rehash the AH things I did as a kid, a tween, and a teenager that poised me for my reign as the Ringleader and turned me into the asshole I am today.

As a kid I was grounded on the regs. I can remember at least 5 times where I was grounded for: the rest of the year, summer, and until I was 18. I was ALWAYS the kid that the other kids would get grounded from, you know the one that you were NOT allowed to play with for at least two weeks? That was me. I don't know how I did it but I could talk my friends, cousins, and neighbors into doing the most ridiculous things, the things you KNEW you would be in BIG TROUBLE for doing. I think I found it funny knowing that everyone else was so stupid and would listen to me AGAIN knowing that things would most likely end with them getting spanked, grounded, or WORSE having their Sega Genesis or Original Nintendo System taken away. It was ALWAYS my fault. I was the one running the show and calling the shots, it was impossible to say no to the Jr. Ringleader, what with my curly brown hair, devilish grin, and HUGE dimples I was able to talk my way out of and into anything and everything.

A few examples in my childhood years:

1. I always wanted a younger sister and then when I turned 8 and was completely happy being a spoiled rotten only child, I find out I've got a sister on the way. Seemed OK, until she arrived in December of '86. She was only 3 weeks old at Christmas time and my entire family was gathered at my aunt and uncles house. They had a two story townhouse and everyone was fussing over her. I convince my parents to let my cousins and I watch her in the upstairs bedroom. She was wrapped in her blanket on the floor while we all poked and prodded at her until I came up with a genius plan that was more fun than irritating her. We take her out of her baby blanket and wrap up one of my cousins' dolls in that blanket. I then decide to hold the baby and start walking down the stairs where all of my family can see me at 8 years old holding a newborn and walking downstairs. Everyone starts freaking out telling me to be careful and NOT walk down the stairs. So I say "I'm fine, I can carry her" and then I pretend to trip and send the doll (whom everyone thinks is my sister) flying into the air. It was so funny watching my dad run like he was in the superbowl trying to catch a hail mary pass and watch the look of horror on everyone's face. My dad ended up catching the doll and my mom pretty much had a nervous breakdown on the spot. My cousins stood at the top of the stairs laughing as did I. The adults didn't think that was funny and we all got our Christmas gifts taken away, I remember being grounded for a LONG LONG TIME. I also remember that I was only allowed to look at the brand new "Big Girl Bike" that Santa had brought me for the next 6 months, no bike riding until summer.

2. I was outside playing with my friends and went home to change into my bathing suit for some slip n' slide action in the neighbors yard. My mom was in the kitchen doing dishes and my sister was fast asleep in her automatic swinger thing, she was probably 9 months old at this point. Well, no one noticed me come in the house so I took my sister out of the swing and placed her in the closet sleeping and I went back outside to continue my day. About 30 minutes go by and my mom comes outside screaming that someone stole the baby! She gets all the neighbors involved in the search, of course at this time the Nightstalker was murdering people and the kidnapping and murder of Adam Walsh was still fresh in everyone's mind, so people are freaking out and putting together search teams. I let it happen for a good 15 minutes before my next door neighbors mom saw the smirk on my face and knew I had something to do with the disappearance. I admitted to it and brought the baby out of the closet. I was grounded the remainder of the summer.

3. 6th grade - ditch day. The day where the "seniors" of elementary school got to ditch school for a day of fun at Disneyland. Myself and fellow troublemaker Matt were pulled aside my our principal to be warned that we were being watched. So of course we get there and the cool kids came with us, knowing we would have a glorious time. We took a spin on some ride and then decided to take the Sky Way across the park because we were lazy and it would take us to the other side of the park. Immediately upon leaving the station, we all agree to a game of spitting over the side of the Sky Cabin to see if anyone could actually land a loogey (I know, gross) on anyone's head. This went on the entirety of the ride. When we stepped off the ride, this guy Sean (who I was calling SEEN not SHAWN as it was the 1st time I had SEEN that spelling of the name) asked us to step aside. He basically threatened our lives and acted like an asshole cop, however, he was a security guard and for that reason I showed him no respect. That landed us in Disneyland Jail to discuss it with the DLPD. Of course I took over and did all the talking, turned on the tears, and got us out of there with a warning that "They will be watching us" and that they had put an APB out on the 6 of us with descriptions... like idiots we had those stupid sailor hats on with each of our nicknames sewn on them. So, I made everyone go to the gift shop and we all bought new T-Shirts and lost the hats. We continued to run a muck the remainder of the day and our principal never found out what happened.

4. 6th grade camping trip. Again one of those "senior" things we got to do in elementary before graduating. It involved a sleepover camping trip in Malibu at this camp. The boys were in one cabin and the girls were in another. They were right next door to each other. We did things like horseback ride, archery, fencing, and other dumb ass stuff during the day. At night around the campfire my friend Holly was roasting a marshmellow that caught on fire, she waved it around trying to put the fire out and it landed on my pant leg and my pants caught on fire. I didn't know what to do and it took me a few minutes to remember "Stop, Drop, and ROLL" so I did that and I rolled right down the God damned hill in some brush. It was funny, I felt like Holly was getting me back for telling her to empty bubble bath into the fountain at our church when we were kids, she got in a lot more trouble than I did for that one.

Anyways, at night and when the chaperones weren't watching I initiated the playing of a game, it was spin the bottle and everyone was taking turns sharing germs and having their 1st kiss. Soon it was time for us to head to our separate cabins and go to bed. I wasn't having any of that so I concocted a plan on how to sneak out and meet up with the boys to play some more spin the bottle, the boys had left their window open for us to climb into. I had to head out first and make sure the coast was clear and plan the route so we would NOT get caught. I made it out of our door and to the boys window when I heard one of the chaperones coming. I made a break for it and made it back into the cabin but the chaperone saw SOMETHING and SOMEONE. She comes in to see whats up and interrogate 6th grade girls who surely couldn't handle the heat and I knew this. When I ran into our cabin I went straight for the bathroom and turned on the shower, it was like a locker room shower situation. I stood in the shower in my pajamas and pretended that I was sleep walking and must have sleep walked into the shower. I ignored her until she grabbed my arm and then I just started acting really freaked out and scared and crying. I then told her I needed to talk to her in private and told her I was a sleep walker but I didn't want my friends to know, you know it is embarrassing and they would think I was weird. She kept it to herself and none of us got in trouble.

That's all for part 1 or the elementary years, on how I became the Alleged Ringleader. In the next coming days I'll bring you up to speed on how clever I became as I got older. Stay tuned for new stories of my master manipulation schemes.

What Happens when you DON'T take that last minute trip to Vegas with the girls

Last night, Stiletto informed me and Lilo that she was going to Vegas today. A last minute trip, and that she had already booked and paid for the non-refundable hotel room. It was one of those "are you in or out" type situations. For me this was not even an option. I can't do Vegas on a budget I just dropped another $200 for my next month of Pilates, I also know that I am not getting paid until Thursday which leaves me with no option but to pass on what would have been a glorious Mean Girl adventure to Sin City. We all know that Lilo can't pass up a trip involving gambling and round the clock drinking but it was even more apparent that she could not pass this trip up due to the fact that she is now 'rich' having just received her first tax return as a homeowner.

So being the great friend I am, I offer to puppysit for Lilo's dog which I refer to as Spidey, short for spider pig. I sing the "Spider Pig Song" from the Simpson's movie and I just love the hell out of little Spidey the glorious wonder puggle. I was so excited to pigsit for Spidey that I almost couldn't sleep last night. It's becoming more apparent to me just how gnarly a gig it is to watch someone's puppy all day long and I don't know how I am going to make it thru tomorrow as well. I'm friggin beat! I swear Lilo and Stiletto gave this puppy a few bumps of cocaine and possibly some puppy crack just before they left for Vegas. Spidey is basically walking on walls and swinging from the staircase. She gets pissed if I am not giving her my undivided attention every single second. I think her little puppy head may just explode from all the talks and full blown conversations I am having with her about NOT pushing her toys under the couch and then barking at me, not begging to eat my food, and in general just to chill the fuck out. She just does not comprehend these things.

I never understood what it is that Lilo deals with on a daily basis with this demon, mutant-puggle-puppy who is an obvious descendent of Cujo. I know that there is no way I could be ready for kids if its anything like this. It got so rough that I decided I had to medicate myself just to deal with the rest of the evening. So first things first, I washed a valium down with a beer and that worked out for me until I decided I was stressed out and needed to eat some things which started off with one of those Tina's frozen burritos. That lead to two chocolate chip eggo waffles, and spider pig getting pissed at me for not sharing my people food with her. Spidey flipped out and forced me to take a 1/4 xanax and wash that down with another beer.

What a glorious Saturday night. The next best part is that I'm getting blackberry messenger updates from Lilo and Stiletto about the glory that is their Viva Last Minute Vegas trip.

Here are a few ideas of what its like at home with spidey this Saturday night:

Sexual exploits of one of todays biggest rap/R&B stars

For those of you who don't know, I am in the business of travel and tourism, specifically the luxury/high end side of this business. I am also in the know when it comes to the exploits of the rich and famous. I hear stories from hotel staff that happen to be friends of mine, horror stories from scorned celebrity assistants, and general Hollywood gossip because, I'm famous and live in this city of scandal. Last night, I was presented with some terribly juicy gossip about one of today's hottest and most successful hip hop and r & b stars. This post will have to remain somewhat of a "blind item" as I can't risk burning out my source.

I was visiting with a friend who represents a high-end luxury hotel located in Beverly Hills, we were having dinner at that property last night. I am often invited to luxury properties for dinner and drinks and I always hear great stories, but this was definitely one for the memory books!

My friend informed me that this particular R & B/Hip-Hop sensation was staying in a suite at the hotel in the days leading up to the Grammy Awards. In that time he had non-stop groupie traffic coming and going from his hotel room. Well, this star likes it ROUGH! So rough that one of the nights the hotel's GM had to go knock on the door because it sounded like people or things were getting thrown against the walls and the loud screams coming from the suite were disrupting the other hotel guests --> this is TOTALLY normal for celebrities staying in hotels. They do what they want to do and make as much noise as they want to. Mr. Rough Sex never checked out of the hotel, he just left on the day he was supposed to depart, and boy did he leave the room in a condition the maids had never seen before!

The maid walked into the room and thought someone had DIED in it, she immediately called security and got them in there to check things out.

This is what they found:

1. Blood. Splattered on the walls, beds, linens, towels, flooring, and chairs. It was everywhere and on everything!
2. Dildos. Not just any dildo or any normal size dildo. We're talking dildo's that measure the size of a human arm when measured from elbow to fingertips. FOUR TO FIVE of them to be exact.
3. Cocaine. Lines of blow pre-cut just waiting to be snorted in different corners of the room. He obviously couln't be bothered with getting up and walking over to where he already had lines made for himself so he had them scattered. There were also little mini bags of blow that he LEFT in his room, I assume as some sort of tip for the maid. I assume the dildo's were in use because he caught a case of limp dick due to the excess usage of cocaine.
4. Cock rings. Again, I feel the cock rings were used because of the limp dick problem that comes with doing mass amounts of blow.

Now I have been on what I could consider benders before, but no, no I have not been on a bender. This brings a whole new definition to a hotel room bender...well, outside of a Las Vegas hotel room bender!

Some hints about who this famous guest is:

He is sort of the new Nate Dogg and a lot like Akon, in that he sings and raps and is featured on many different tracks with the BIGGEST names in hip-hop and R & B.

You can't turn on the radio for more than 5 minutes without hearing a song he produced, raps, sings, or collaborated on.

He is a grammy winning artist.

He is NOT a convict or at least has not been convicted of any crimes to be reported on tmz.com or the Smoking Gun.

He likes strippers.

Any guesses???

Small Penis Boy

From the title of this post, you can guess what it is about. About a year ago, I met this REALLY hot guy! So hot I thought about posting his picture here just so I could get a collective pat on my back from all of you, but then it is mean and would suck because, he is majorly lacking in one department.

I met him at this dive bar in the Valley one night. He came in with his hot black roommate who had some of the best skin I had EVER seen. The girls were signed up for karaoke and did Bell Biv Devoe's "Poison" because, you can 'Never trust a big butt and a smile.' We put on a great show and Small Penis Boy (SPB) was really nice, funny, and HOT! So we exchanged numbers. He wanted me to come back to his place and I told him I had to drop my c*ckblock friend off at home and would come over with my other friend who was practically getting it on with his roomie in the bar.

After dropping off the c*ckblock, my friend and I went over to SPB's house and him and went straight to his bedroom. Him and I got into a gnarly makeout session followed by what seemed like HOURS of foreplay. Now, I love me some foreplay but eventually I need the P inserted into VaGee for a beating! So I make a comment and he breaks out the condom and I'm like woo hoo!We're going to bone! And then we start and I'm like WTF? Is it in? What's going on here? I couldn't feel a thing. I thought to myself "GREAT he has a case of "whisky dick" just my friggin luck!

I decide I need to break out with the dome and breathe some life into this soldier! I then come head to head with it and I could not believe my eyes! I thought, I must REALLY be drunk it looked like it was the size and girth of my index finger. I was baffled and speechless but decided to move forward. Now, one would think that dome would be easily performed on a small penis, but oh contrare mon frère. Imagine trying to blow/suck on your index finger. It's NOT easy! In fact I think it comes closer to the teeth than anything! Anyways, I was able to raise the flag and we attempted to get back to having sex. Basically, the only position that worked was: me on top legs wrapped around his back with him sitting up. The maximum movement was rocking back and forth. It was such a huge disappointment. He finished and went to the bathroom. At this point I happened to roll over onto his side of the bed and saw the box of condoms. Lo and behold it was a box of Magnums. I shit you not, MAGNUMS. Of all people this guy had NO BUSINESS with magnums, none whatsoever!

Well, as some of you may know I almost always go back twice. I mean you might as well, right? You've already added another notch on your bedpost so why not go back and hit that one more time? Plus, I was at odds with myself whether his penis was really THAT small. Was I really wasted? Was it whisky dick? I mean, the guy was a great guy, had all these wonderful attributes like his own place, a great personality, funny, adorable, and fucking hot! I had to go back and I had to bring my friends along to meet him. First of all, Miss 4 inch Stiletto's met him and tried to hit on him, then she goes "OHHHH THAT IS SPB" - yes, perfect, that is him. Me = :: cringing ::

I went back over to his place on another night and attempted to have sex with him again. There, on the side of the bed were the magnums and there on the other side of the bed I sat and realized that this just could not work. Getting beat up by a boy is TOO important for me to give up, no matter how good the foreplay is. It's not that I haven't dealt with small penises before and made it work, its just that this penis was so small we were actually unable to move if it was inside of me. It was quite a shame :(

Ladies, have any of you had the pleasure (or not) of dealing with this same problem?

What NOT to Do at a Club

Last night, the Mean Girls went out for our first GNO (girl's night out) of 2008.
We rolled pretty deep with a posse of 12 girls and TOOK OVER Parc Hollywood, and danced the night away. Being the asshole that I am, I notice certain things people do and wear and sometimes I just can't help but snap a photo or make a mean comment about it, after all I AM a mean girl!

Case in point, people that drink FAR too much and pass out at a club:

I'm NOT even going to get into what she is wearing but JESUS! You gotta be kidding me??? After walking up and taking 5-6 pics of her, one of her "friends" woke her up and told her to sober up. Shortly after that, one of my friends saw her washing her face in the restroom...she then came back to her table sans makeup and passed out again. NICE FRIENDS, right?? My friends would drag my fat ass out of there and take me HOME the moment I started to nod off and certainly wouldn't suggest that I go wash my face in the bathroom of a club! As you can imagine, the club lacked eye make-up remover or proper face wash so when she returned she was bleeding mascara from her eyes and looked like a homeless hooker on crack.

Case #2:
You know that song by Flo Rida & T-Pain "Low"? You know it goes "Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur" - I'm sure you know it since every single radio station plays it all day long at the same time. Well last night, there was this chick at the club who thought she had an apple bottom and I don't know WTF she was wearing but, when that song came on she started singing and pointing to different pieces of her wardrobe "Apple bottom jeans, shirt with the fur" all while dancing. Well first of all, those aren't the lyrics. Second of all, look at this ensemble for a Hollywood nightclub:

Those are NOT apple bottom jeans and her top looks like it belongs on one of Santa's Helpers in the snow NOT in Sunny Southern California at a Hollywood nightclub. The look on my face pretty much says it all. And yeah, I'm an asshole and crept up right behind her ass and had my friends take a picture just so I could document it here for you. When I am going out with my friends, if I'm wearing something that doesn't work my friends will send my ass back to the drawing board/aka closet and make me change or they will not go out with me. I guess that is one of the perks to having honest asshole friends.

Happy Birthday Brandon Boyd

For those of you that don't know, I am in love with Brandon Boyd, the lead singer of Incubus. Today is his 32nd Birthday and 32 is my lucky number. Basically, this is the year for him and I to finally make sweet glorious love, and yes I said sweet glorious love because I just can't see Brandon actually beating it up. I mean I would beat it the f*ck up but, I worry about breaking the poor kid in two since I've got a solid 40 pounds on him and I tend to get a little rough ;)

Brandon and I don't really have much in common and he is NOT ANYTHING like any of the guys I am usually attracted to, he is not an AH prick like most guys I'm into. He's a vegetarian, a musician, an artist, and a best selling author. He also looks like he needs a hot shower and a sandwich but there is something about him that I find OH SO DREAMY and yes I said dreamy like I'm some teeny bopper girl who hearts N'Sync or NKOTB. As it is when I see Incubus in concert I can barely freakin contain myself and when he loses his shirt, I just about lose my damn mind and start creming my panties! This year is the year I will actually speak to Brandon when I see him next and he will fall head over heels in love with me,ditch his supermodel girlfriend, and then write a song for me like he does for all of his girlfriends. Ah yes, this is hopes and dreams to the fullest extent one can have them. At any rate,Happy Birthday to my future boyfriend Brandon! Next year, I will be supermodel skinny and pretty and will jump out of your birthday cake naked followed by a warm welcome into the portal to hades via a gray water experience.

Just looking at him qualifies for pre-creme in my book.

The TRUE test to my Diet and FitMess™ Commitment

So my co-worker apparently did something right and received a little box of glory today. Because, NOTHING says "I love you" like the Sprinkles xox box. Obviously, God and the world hate me. My co-worker is on a diet, so OF COURSE she gallivants around the office from desk to desk offering them to whoever is cow enough to eat one.

A box of world famous Sprinkles Cupcakes. The glorious red velvet cupcakes I crave with the cream cheese frosting.

I'm salivating while cringing and shuddering at the thought of eating just ONE! I feel like a heroin addict, all I want to do is fill a syringe with cream cheese frosting and inject it into my arm. I HATE being at odds with myself and that is where I find myself right now.

Kill. Me. Now.

Get to Know Me

Random facts about me

* I have a really weird bellybutton phobia and just explaining this is going to make me cringe and shudder but here goes. I don't mind seeing a bellybutton exposed as long as its not a pregnant popped out one -VOM! Outties gross me out but you don't see them all that often so I don't quite jump to conclusions of VOM by sight of one. If anyone brushes past or attempts to put a finger or any other foreign object in my bellybutton I will gag followed by vom'ing. I also have issues with people sticking a finger in their own bellybutton, just the sight of it (and subsequent thought of it) makes me crawl in my own skin and want to vom. Sometimes pools of foreign substances may collect in my bellybutton and those puddles are OK since I will get in the shower and wash it out. If you're wondering how I clean my bellybutton, the answer is slow and precise movements, I have the hand of a surgeon when it comes to this task.

* I ALWAYS look at the clock everyday and catch it at the following times: 1:34, 7:34, and 11:34. I usually catch it both in the AM and the PM. I often will see that time on multiple clocks all set to different times. For instance, I'll see that time on my computer, then work phone, and cell phone. Sometimes I see the clock say 11:30 and then I will walk away or hold something up to block my vision of the clock in what will seem like 25 minutes and the moment I look up I will see 11:34 in my peripheral vision. This is one of those SIGNS that I am in fact going to HELL. Why? Because if you read those times upside down it spells HELL with one or two L's, take your pick.

* When I am not home and especially when I am on vacation, I lose things. People call this the crisis of The Alleged Ringleader. For some reason I pick things up and move them from one purse or one bag to another and I freak out and go through everything until I give up. My friends get so irritated by me saying "Does anyone know where my ____ is?" But they always end up looking for whatever it is and finding it.

* If the RMS Titanic did not sink in April 1912 I would not have been born. My great-great grandmother was a singer on the Titanic and was traveling to America to be married in sort of an arranged marriage situation. When the Titanic sunk, my great-great grandmother was rescued by a man on the RMS Carpathia who later became her husband.

* My grandmother and her sister were best friends with Elvis Presley. They were both featured commentators on The Elvis Presley 25th Anniversary DVD Box Set. My granny and her sister moved from England to America for the sole purpose of meeting Elvis, and they became best friends. When my grandmother and her sister's mom passed away, Elvis chartered a private plane and flew my family to England and paid for my great-grandmothers funeral.

* If given the choice to drown or burn to death, I would choose burn to death. People have issues with this. My reason is that I can't deal with suffocation and with drowning that last gulp sans air drives me into a pre-death panick attack. At least with burning I'm pretty sure I would pass out prior to suffocation.

* I can't live without chapstick, not just one kind but a variety of different types of lip balm and tube chapstick. It makes me really nervous when I leave home without at least 2 different kinds because I need to rotate them regularly so they are effective.

* In Jamaica, this lady told Lilo and I that she hoped her daughter would grow up to be just like us. Muwahahahaha...

* I like to make top 10 lists of: group trips, road trips, vacations, girls night out, birthdays, New Years Eve, etc. If glorious things happen I will capture them in words and e-mail them out to everyone and help them remember what actually happened.

* The most important material possesions of mine that I have paid for are (in this order): My California King Tempurpedic Mattress, my 2006 Volvo S40 (note even my car has 5 letters), and an all purpose gigantor mexican blanket.

* I settle in relationships for no real reason other than I'm lazy. I decide I don't want to put forth any effort and will settle for someone I am not completely happy with. I'm really good in relationships and can put up with someone long-term even if I don't like them.

* In May of this year I will have been single/not in a relationship for 3 years. Prior to that I had been in one long-term relationship or another for 10 years with 3 different guys.

* I smoke two joints in the morning, I smoke two joints at night. Who sings that song?

What We Mean Girls Are Really Saying

Sometimes we Mean Girls get so carried away in our stories that we forget that while we may have grown accustomed to our lingo, our readers may have not. So here you have it, the Mean Girls' version of Webster's Dictionary. Enjoy!

401K Plan: This is used to describe a guy who looks great on paper. One who you can most certainly rely on to take care of you while you live your life of leisure (LOL). A couple signs that you may be a suitable 4o1K Plan? You own your own property (and we're not talking a CD collection here), can support two people comfortably on your income alone, actually *have* a legitimate 401K Plan through Charles Schwab or equivelant, have hopes and dreams of the wife, the house, the white picket fence and the dog.

5 Letters: All girls want 5 lettered items, we just don't want to pay for them. Examples of such 5 lettered items would be places or things. We like things and places a lot. Here are examples: Purse, Shoes, Yacht, Fendi, Chloe, Louis, Gucci, Prada, Juicy, Loubs, Choos, Plane, Italy, Paris. I think you get the point.

AH: Being a mean girl, bitch and/or a jerk or an a**hole and typically doing so on purpose. An example if this would be intentially hitting the "close door" button in the elevator when you see someone running towards the doors, just because.

BOT: Battery Operated Toy.

Busting on Impact/Sans Impact: Look, sometimes you show up to people's houses wearing nothing, but a sexy little outfit purchased from your local "XXX Shop." When that happens, it is almost standard operating procedure that said person will be so hot and bothered with the situation on hand that they will bust a nut immediately either prior to impact or immediately thereafter. This can also be referred to as "pre-crembrulation," which will later be defined.

Beating it up: Sexual Intercourse wherein soft kissing, candles, and slow jams are not involved. On the contrary a good "beating" is characterized by slapping, hair pulling, biting, etc Leaving one walking funny the next day. Beatings can also beat self adminstered but usually require a battery operated device

Butthurt (BH): The act of being bothered or irritated. If you are butthurt, you are most likely acting gay & whiny all the time. Note, butthurt can be managed (BHM). This is usually done by taking one to "chop" (sushi), buying new things, indulging in the Alleged Ringleader's famous Chicken Parmesan or steak a la "drawer" (the broiler).

Cremebrulation: Who doesn't love Creme Brulee? So it should come as no surpirse that something that makes us unbelievably happy and/or excited should make us "cremebrulate" or if it was THAT great, potentially "pre-cremebrulate." We also like to shorten it and say there was pre-creme or I just plain cremed.

Doing the Lord's Work: Dealing with friends that talk a lot and obsess over things that you are sick of hearing about and/or hanging out with someone for the purpose of doing PR and being a "good friend." I know it may sound mean, but everyone has done it once or twice, we just choose to actually admit it.

Dome: Refers to your dome aka "head" and as a verb would refer to giving dome/ head, sucking dick, blow job. You get it.

Famess: You are the epitome of VIP. You and your girls not only roll up wherever you want on the split of a dime, but you are most definitely going to get noticed. When you're Famess, don't be surprised when the paparazzi follow close behind, that just comes with the territory. So be sure to look your prettiest and skinniest because you never know who's hands that photo may end up in.

Fitmess™: This is what we three "messes" like to call our personal attempts at being pretty and skinny. While putting the bottle to the dome, dancing until your wheels and/or shoes come off and devouring 4th meals is fun, it's way more fun to be get laid by the opposite sex on the regs. That being said, Fitmess™ is somewhat mandatory.

Glor: Slang for Glory and all things Glorious. Chances are if you just ate a great meal, said something witty to a friend or did something amazing, it was "glor."

GrAY water: This refers back to an incident New Year's Day 2007 that involved two of our Mean Girls, a couple boys and a jacuzzi. Several Magnum bottles of Champagne, jello shots, L'Occitaine bubble bath & some questionable gyrations later, the Mean Girls exited the jacuzzi only to discover that they had in fact turned the water a nice shade of gray. The portal to Hades opened up that day and has since branded those Mean Girls with some noticable scarlet letters, among other things. Those who enter the portal must always plead the 5th. What happens in the AY stays in the AY, so to speak. And beware, the AY has been known to swallow things, such as bathing suits and digital cameras.

Hopes and Dreams: If you've got yourself excited about something, be it a boy, a new job or a personal goal, you've got "Hopes and Dreams" and one can only hope they come true.

JOO: As in "Don't JOO us on the sauce." This is our attempt at being Politically Correct. Please do not Jew us out of anything we ask for, and most certainly not out of the sauce for our chicken nuggets!

Mess: The term "mess" all started with me, aren't I proud? It was a nickname I was given after several occasions where I had clearly had too much to drink and was labeled the "mess" of our group having had lost my belongings and/or fallen asleep prematurely and in random places with random people. Thankfully, we later discovered that I was definitely not the only mess in the group and this has also since been expanded to cover a variety of things, such as Fitmess, Famess and Messpectations.

Messpectations: Hey, if you're going to be a mess on consistant basis, then people are going to start expecting things of you. These "messpectations" you are required to live by can include, but are not limited to: getting naked in public, losing personal belongings (i.e. shoes, purses and cameras), taking home stray animals, foliage or people, etc.

Nugs: Nugs are a ruberic in which people are judged based on how much we like them, as in "I'd give her a nug" or "I wouldn't even give her a nug after I had bit into it." Or "I'd give her a nug sans sauce."

Questionable Hours: Between the hours of 2-6am. If your friends are still up posting comments on Myspace, Blackberry messengering and/or placing phone calls to you, questionable substances are most definitely involved.

Recoil: Recoiling originally referred to what happens when you attempt to reach for his balls or attempt to stick a finger in anyone's a** to see if they're into that sort of thing. The point was to give them a quick brush over, if they "recoiled" or pulled back, then they are probably not into it and you should move along to another region. This has since been expanded to cover any sort of retraction. Sam recoiled after being told that he must be NAKED in order to enter the AY. And this is when I knew he was a winner.

SAL: Sucks at life. This really needs little definition. When you suck at life, you most certainly know it and if you're deep throating at life, well then there is very little hope for you. Pretty much you are failing in 9 out of 10 aspects of your life and should probably sit down and have a long talk with yourself about the decisions you are making. People who suck at Guitar Hero generally suck at life, as well.

Spidey Slap - A pimp slap from Honey/Spidey Lilo's Puggle. One may be Spidey slapped for many reasons including: Sucking at life, passing out on the couch drunk, or just because Spidey felt like it. The Mean Girls consider the Spidey slap to be a most humiliating experience.

Sportin': As in, it's red ribbon week. You are sportin' the red ribbon aka aunt flow is in town. It's a lot more incognito and doesn't gross the boys out as much when we say to one another "I'm sportin and my junk hurts".

VaGee: As in, Vagina, Pussy, Who-ha, Va-jay-jay, Peek-a-choo, you catch my drift.

VOM: Ew. I am going to throw up. Whatever it was you just said or did has me so disgusted, I'm on the verge of vomiting (VOV).

Winning at Life: The exact opposite of sucking at it. Everything is going gloriously and life couldn't be better. You've hooked, lined and sunk the boy you've had your eye on, people at work think you're a genius, you're pretty and skinny and your friends all think you are the funniest person they've ever met.

Things That Make My Day

WOO to the MotherF-n HOO!

As you all should know I have been literally BUSTING MY ASS working on my FitMess™ by taking pilates 3 times per week. It's so tough and some days I find myself getting discouraged because I'm not this bendy broad and can't like do the splits or touch my toes or anything but I'm glad that I am sticking with it. I feel like I should be able to do all the moves and should be a pro by now (after 3 1/2 weeks of training, mind you) but I'm still really challenged using their Reformer machines and doing all the moves with weights. It it definitely a tough workout!

In addition to pilates, I have been eating much healthier, controlling my portion sizes, and generally making myself miserable by avoiding 4th meals at all costs. I know, I know - I want to BOOOOOOO myself for saying such wretched things! But...

Basically, it is WORKING! Last week, my *Gym Nazi* roommate (who happens to be a personal trainer) told me that my belly is definitely getting smaller and that it doesn't hang over the top of my jeans quite as far - yes it's kind of a backhanded compliment but at least she is being HONEST! A few people at work have been commenting that my "bye-bye arm" isn't waving "bye-bye" to them the way it used to. And the kicker was this morning, when I was walking downstairs to my car my apartment manager stopped me and said "Hey, you have lost some weight, what are you doing? You look GREAT!"

I'm getting a pilates body - yaaaaaayyyyyyy!!!!

My recent visit to the Doctor...

I've been illin' in a major (not MAY-JAH) way for the past week. I've been sick as hell, in bed and feeling like ass in general.

On Tuesday, I finally decided to go to the doctor to see what was wrong with me and get a prescription to cure my illness. Turns out I have a virus and there is no antibiotic or anything that would help me so the doctor prescribed chicken soup, lots of fluids, and lots of rest!

While I was in the doctors office, I figured I would see if there was something he could prescribe me to help me sleep better at night and help me with my occassional bouts with anxiety. Hint hint, I'm trying to get him to prescribe me xanax, I like xanax. The truth is that I do suffer from insomnia from time to time and sleeping pills just don't do the trick. The reason sleeping pills dont work, is that I get rather anxious and while laying in my bed before going to sleep. I start worrying about what I'm going to wear to work the next day, what I should have for lunch, if this check is going to clear, when I am going to get my bangs trimmed, etc.

Yes, I know I'm a crazy lunatic but that is what makes me, ME! My doctor has known my entire family for the past 25 years, he has known me for most of my life, so when I tell him these things I am REALLY hyping them up. I'm also telling him how I get nervous about things happening to me because I have no family in this state and no one to check up on me. How these are part of the things that worry me, give me anxiety, and keep me from getting sleep.

One example I gave him: What if someone came into my apartment and murdered me? Or I got really sick and died or choked on something and died. No one would know for days!

His response: "I think you need to get a boyfriend, find a man, and start your own family. That way you won't worry so much about those things."

Me, thinking:

I walked out of there REAL PISSED about the MAN comment and then I laughed about it after sharing it with my fellow friends and Mean Girls because OF COURSE my doctor would say something stupid like that while I'm dealing with the lack of boys on my team these days. Just before leaving the doctor handed me a prescription for Zoloft for my anxiety and a separate prescription for my occassional insomnia.

The Alleged Ringleader, part of the prozac nation??? Not so sure how I feel about that one. It sorta seems like it's an obvious chink in my armor or achilles heel. Now I know how Tony Soprano felt about keeping the visits to his shrink under wraps.

Casting out the fishing net

Generally, the casting out of the fishing net is used when trolling in desperate times. You go to a bar/club looking your best and you basically throw yourself out there to see who or what bites...

Well, not in my case and not today.

Last night, after dinner and multiple bottles of wine with my girls, I decided to make some important life choices, because life choices of importance should ALWAYS be made after a few bottles of wine, right? I decided to cast out the fishing net of hopes and dreams to two men of interest in the form of text messaging. Today, after the Superbowl, I will be meeting up with some of my favorite girls at a local valley bar. I decided to use said favorite girls as bait for my net of hopes and dreams, because, when inviting a guy you're interested in you should always include the fact that lots of girls will be there and he should bring friends...

So the text message went out to Salesman Mike and Jake, a boy I have had a 'thing' for and haven't been able to shake for the past year +. Thankfully, I was pretty wasted and passed out before both boys responded, which earned me points for NOT sitting by my phone and texting them both back at light speed! The Salesman responded with "Sounds fun, which bar?" and he will wait for my response until later as I have promised myself that I will keep my expectations low when it comes to him. As for Jake, his response was "I WILL be there, count me in."

If they both show, things will get interesting and I am prepared for it. Those of you that know me personally know that I ALWAYS invite multiple boys I am interested in to the same event. Some people will never do this but for me it works, it makes it so that I don't sit and make googly eyes at one boy and I don't pay too much attention to one boy. It keeps them guessing and it NEVER makes me look like the stupid dumbass girl that was on their jock if I were to get dissed later on.

Damn! Damn! Damn! Hopes and dreams are going to be the end of me!

Stay tuned for details tomorrow...

Pilates, the Answer to my FitMess™

An a motherf-ing expensive answer it is!
Personally, I can't believe that I'm dropping $199/month for unlimited pilates classes, but it's working with a personal pilates instructor and it's not the mat classes like you see in the videos. It's the classes where you're working on a machine and it is GLORIOUS! Seriously, if anyone has any questions about pilates and if its worth it, my answer is YES! Once you try it you will be hooked and will see how it can work for you.

I hate working out, I hate the gym, I hate waiting in line to use cardio equipment, and most of all I HATE running into people I know and do not wish to see while working on my FitMess™. Trying to hit the gym at the beginning of any new year is the worst thing you can do - there is no parking, it smells like 800 different kinds of hot sweaty ass, no airflow, and lines to use any machine or get into any class. My friend Posh Bride and I knew we needed to take serious action since the following events are quickly approaching us: her bachelorette party in Miami, her big fat famous wedding, and my 30th birthday! We took a look around and decided we needed to try something new and make a serious physical and financial commitment to our FitMess™.

We found a group of Pilates Studio's that were noted in LA Magazine's Best Of LA edition, the Pilates Plus Studios of LA and decided we would give it a try. Tomorrow will mark the beginning of my 3rd week in Pilates. I've been going 3 times per week and have been feeling fabulous! I can't believe how easy it was to get started and how much a one hour session kicks your ass!! Now I am forced with finding ways to cut costs in order to keep up with this new obsession, the first thing I'm cutting is my membership to LA Shitness. I can't believe I jumped on the Hollywood/Celebrity workout bandwagon... I NEVER did the yoga thing, I don't do the no-carb thing, I don't go to Pinkberry - none of that sh*it, but here I find myself in Pilates classes. I am that yuppie that I make fun of!

I will be a skinny & pretty, toned, bad-ass motherf-er of a yuppie in a few short months! I can already see results - I HAVE AB MUSCLES underneath all this flab! WHO KNEW?? Everyday for the past 2 weeks I am sore, my legs are shaking, and my ass hurts, but it hurts so good! I feel stretched and relaxed and overall just really great thanks to Pilates. I never thought something like this would work but it so totally is and I am so totally thrilled!

When I look at the other ladies that take pilates at my studio, I'm smiling on the inside because I KNOW that will be me and the Bride come June in Miami! One lady even came up to me and told me that 8 months ago she was 5"6 and weighed 175 pounds. She takes classes twice a week and in 8 months has lost 40 pounds!!! She said she isn't even all THAT strict with her diet, I seriously could not believe it but, after seeing everyone else who has been doing it and feeling the way I do now - there is NO DOUBT that it is true!

The other night in class I saw this chick who I went to high school with. When I was a freshman she was a senior at my school. I'm pretty sure she was either the homecoming queen or the prom queen. She was this cute little petite girl back then. Now she is still short but has lost the petite. She's a little porker now. That made me feel good because I am SO not the only one that went from the skinny biatch in hoochie mama tops to WTF happened to my waistline in 10 years!

I'm getting that skinny biatch waist I had back suckas!