Stilettos is ALIVE!

Stilettos is alive and SANS her stilettos!

She BBM'd me yesterday to let me know that she bungee jumped off the Old Colorado River Bridge in Costa Rica! I couldn't believe it, she is NUTS!

Today, she sent me this note and the pics to prove it:

"We arrived safely last night into manual antonio after an exhausting day that started with ziplining through the cloud forests of monteverde, followed immediately by one of the most intensely insane things i have ever done. as most of you know, i planned to come to costa rica and insisted on jumping off the old colorado bridge (steve-o from jackass almost didnt do it out of fear.) the drop is 256ft down to the colorado river, the largest in all of the americas. it was my idea, yet i forced Bella to go first. i just didnt grasp how much of a mental challenge it would be to walk me of of that ledge! at any rate, after about 4 minutes, i peeled my toes over the edge and plunged down. the only way i can describe would be sort of like when the roadrunner runs off a cliff and his feet keep moving, until he looks around and realizes that he does not have ground underneath his feet!"

I am so proud of you lil mamas and so glad that you are having an amazing trip!

P.S. - While Stilettos almost leaped to her death, Lilo went out and got herself the Louboutin Manicure. Because, if you don't have your red soles yet, you might as well sport the manicure.

Lilo, your nails look fab!

Earthquake

We just had a 5.8 magnitude Earthquake here in Los Angeles. In Chino Hills to be exact; you know, where Ryan Atwood on "The OC" was from? Anyways, it was awesome.

Being a native Californian and living in Los Angeles my whole life, earthquakes are no big deal for me. The weird thing is that I actually LIKE THEM. People obviously think I'm f*cking nuts, but it's great! Ever since the '94 Northridge Earthquake, I won't even stand up or move from where I am sitting unless it feels like a 5.0 or higher. After surviving that quake where the ground acceleration reached a magnitude of 10+ in certain areas such as my neighborhood, I feel as though I can deal with any earthquakes sent my way.

Today was my 1st earthquake while being inside a high rise building and it was pretty cool. It's amazing how the building shakes and then just rolls like you're on a skateboard rolling back and forth on the bottom of an empty swimming pool. I didn't bother to get up from my desk, I was considering it but then the shaking stopped. The funny thing is that I knew it was a quake almost immediately and the east coast guy that sits across from my desk had no idea. I sat there real calm and go "Oh, we're having an earthquake." This kid turned white as a ghost and just looked around as if someone was going to instruct him on what he should do. I think he must have thought that this was going to be like a fire drill and our office safety monitor was going to put on her orange vest and start hollering emergency exit instructions.

I just sat at my desk and IM'd with Lilo about the Earthquake:
[11:39] RL: work is oh so boring
[11:40] RL: earthquake
[11:40] RL: gnarly
[11:40] RL: omg
[11:40] RL: that ruled
[11:40] Lilo: WHOA
[11:41] RL: that ruled
[11:46] Lilo: I've never been in a hi rise during earthquake
[11:46] RL: me either, this was my 1st
[11:46] RL: rolling
[11:46] RL: real gnar
[11:46] Lilo: I know
[11:47] Lilo: the rolling was gnar
[11:50] RL: it was
[11:50] RL: i like the feeling i get

I don't know what it is but, I get this quick jolt of adrenaline when earthquakes hit. I start getting excited like I'm going to get to do something cool or am going to have to come to the aid of others that can't deal. The guy that sits across from me just started googling and checking TV news websites and refreshing for info. He was trying to figure out what happened without having to ask me since he knew I would have made him feel like an idiot, just because that is the way I talk. In fact, the only reason I know he is so scared is because I heard him whispering on the phone to one of his friends trying to figure out if people were seriously injured. I felt bad that I'm such an AH that people won't even ask me about things so I talked him through it and let him discuss his concerns without being a jerk and laughing at him.

My friend Newman was waiting for clients to meet him for lunch outside of Katsuya when the quake hit. Apparently, he almost died. This giant rock was rocking back and forth and almost fell on him. That would have sucked.

All it took was a nice little earthquake to add some excitement to my day.

Did anyone else feel it?

Yachting

One of the Mean Girls' favorite things to do is hop aboard and go out to sea on a yacht. A yacht is one of those 5 letter items we love so much like shoes, purse, choos, Louis, Prada, Fendi, etc. Well, you get the point.

Yachting is one of those glorious hobbies that us common folk can't afford to have. Is it even called yachting? Is that a word? Would it be boating? Is it considered sailing if there is no sail? Whatever the hell you call it, it's one of the funnest activities I have ever done and I consider myself lucky to have had as many opportunities as I have had in the past few years.

Yesterday, my company chartered a yacht in the Marina for the top sales people where I work. We were treated to a champagne brunch and a day at sea aboard the Dandeana. Even though I was hung the f*ck over from partying and being a bridesmaid on Saturday night, I knew I HAD to find a way to make it on this yacht. I also knew I had to +1 Lilo as my date as she has NEVER been on a yacht and likes to remind us of the fact that she couldn't go last year when EVERYONE spent the day on the Bella Vita, a yacht that I like to call 62 feet of pleasure. And by EVERYONE on board I mean: Stilettos, The Random, Guido, My Roomie, and a few girls we barely know or aren't even friends with. As you can imagine, it was one of the most amazing days any of my friends have had and Lilo is pretty vocal when it comes to "Not wanting to hear about it" or letting us discuss that day in her presence.

With temperatures in the 80's and clear skies in the Marina, yesterday was the perfect day aboard the Dandeana. As you can see here, Lilo and I were having a blast partying aboard the yacht and expecting someone as fab as P. Diddy to come around the corner popping Cristal at any minute. My company made sure the champagne was flowing and had Stella Artois, one of my favorite beers on tap for the days festivities, did I tell you my job rules? I was still hungover from the wedding and it didn't take much for me to jumpstart the alcohol that was already in my system. While cruising in the Marina, we passed the most amazing yacht I have ever seen in my life, The Princess Mariana. This was by far the most spectacular private vessel I had ever laid eyes on! So much so that Lilo and I immediately began devising a plan to get our way on board THAT ship.

Our plan involved flashing anything and everything, our boobs, our Britneys', Lilo's stellar credit score, VIP entrance card to the Spearmint Rhino, hell we would probably go ass-to-mouth if it guaranteed some time aboard that ship, anything! At that point we realized that boarding a yacht as famous as The Princess Mariana would require much more than wrapping and trapping ourself a 401k plan in the form of a man with a nice investment portfolio. People who own and charter yachts like that are in a whole new category, OFFSHORE. As in offshore bank accounts. Those who do not report all their income and are being taxed far less than they should be, giving them even more means to do glorious things like rent yachts for $650,000 per week with a TWO WEEK minimum. This is a significant upgrade to our coveted 401k plan man that is going to buy us vacation homes and 5 lettered items.

Later on when we were coming back into the Marina where our yacht parks, we passed the Princess Mariana again and saw the lady of the yacht. And what was she doing? She was chasing her little bastard kids who were RIDING THEIR RAZOR SCOOTERS AROUND THE PERIMETER OF THE YACHT! Yes people, this yacht was a literal playground for some REALLY lucky children. -823495702 points for my parents FAILING. In fact, my parents couldn't even get us on a yacht with a FAIL name like this:

It's possibly the worst spelling ever if it is supposed to mean Analysis. My buddy Jimmy who was on board kept looking for the rainbow flag of his people, but alas it was not displayed.

After an awesome day of tanning, drinking, and eating we decided we needed to rally those on board the yacht to go back to another persons house in Culver City for shots of Patron and more eating. Everyone was pretty wasted but Lilo and I sweetened the deal with promises of tacos from the world famous Tito's Tacos. Of course the deal was sealed and we made our way to Tito's and ordered 25 tacos, 8 bean and cheese burritos, and a VAT of chips, guacamole, and salsa.

Is there a more perfect way to end a lazy Sunday in LA? Is there a more perfect Sunday than one spent drinking on a yacht and eating Tito's tacos?

I love my life.

Happy Birthday Stilettos!

You are a fucking rock star! Have a glorious birthday in Costa Rica! There is no better place to be than traveling with your friends! I am so happy that Bella is going with you, because BFF's make everything BETTER! One thing is for sure, the two of you will have the most amazing time ever and this Birthday of yours is never going to be forgotten! Who cares about birthday eves, right? You are a stellar friend and such a Fa-Mess girl ;)

Jump off the bridge and send a middle finger salute to your MG's back home, that's what we would do!

You RULE and we will miss you!

Get ready for MG STK night when you get back! Nothing beats a good steak followed by celebrating your birthday in red carpet fashion at Coco de Ville.

xoxo

Happy Birthday Ms. Stilettos

We love you! Have fun in Costa Rica, be careful, and bring us presents! ;)

XOXOX

Lilo & The Ringleader

Sex, Nugs, & Rock N' Roll

Yesterday as I was brushing my teeth I looked down to see this on the bathroom counter....

Despite the fact that staring back at me was a huge pair of titties and a pile of hydro I of course saw only the phrase "SEX, NUGS, & ROCK N ROLL SPECIAL". I loves NUGS... and DOME just don't JOO me on the sauce. This wasn't my magazine and Spidey can't reach the counter top so obviously it belonged to my Roomie. While this may have struck other room mates as a little strange or weird or down right jeebie, big tits and hydro are pretty standard around my house so I didn't think twice about it.

Later that night when Roomie got home he informed me that he had gotten me some presents from Tera as he had been doing some work with her (NOT of the naked kind). Obviously being the whore bag that I am I was super excited to see what he had for me. Gift #1 was the High Times magazine in fact he had thought it would be funny to leave it on the bathroom counter for me but had 2nd thoughts that I would think it was a little weird. Def NOT weird but I would have appreciated a note of some kind letting me know it was mine for the taking. Gift #2 was one of Tera's DVD's entitled "XXX-Box - Will you get the high score?" I can't even tell you how excited I am for a new flick, I was telling The Ringleader just yesterday that I had not bought any porn since The Situation and I "broke up". It was all I could do to not run upstairs put it into the DVD player, pull out the battery operated toy box and settle in for the evening.

However, I thought that WOULD be just a little weird not to mention real obvious. Tonight is another story though and you can expect a full review of Tera's "XXX-Box" in the coming days. Who knows maybe I will start a semi-regular porn review as Roomie has told me that there are lots more presents where those came from. A mean girl can only hope!!!

3-2-1 Wedding

The wedding is FINALLY here! This Saturday, my girl Posh Bride, IS GETTING MARRIED. The past 9 months have been crazy filled with events to prepare for this weekend, I can't believe it's finally here and I am so ready to celebrate and party on the big day!

For the past few months, I have struggled with the size of the bridesmaid dress, the fact that it didn't quite fit, and that I was unable to sit down when it was ordered. I've spent all kinds of $$ on Pilates classes, random diet products, and a number of hours climbing the Santa Monica Stairs and hiking Runyan Canyon - all with the hopes of looking great in Miami at the Bachelorette party and to look great in the wedding pictures in my bridesmaid dress.

Obviously, I aimed high with my goals and didn't lose as much weight as I had planned, but I guess I wasn't really prepared to give up so much of my everyday life. And by everyday life I mean eating and drinking normally and extra eating and drinking when in need of butt hurt management. I guess my saving grace was the fact that I was working out more regular than I have in YEARS! After working out regularly, along with some last minute crash dieting, I am pleased to announce the following:

This morning, I tried on the bridesmaid dress and that motherfucker fits! Not only that but, for the first time ever, I was able to zip it up without assistance from ANYONE! And in bonus news, I sat down in the dress! Which means I will NOT be the standing bridesmaid! I will not have to be lifted and placed into the limo! I can climb into the limo and sit down and stay seated and even breathe! Thank you sweet baby Jesus (and Pilates/Runyan/Stairs!)

This is the bridesmaid dress, same color and all:

It actually looks great on all of the other girls that happen to be skinny biatches and the color is really pretty. I worry knowing that the weather forecast says 93 degrees and HUMID! This dress is heavy and the material does not do humidity, and nor does my hair.

I figure I can re-wear the dress for Halloween by pairing it with some satin gloves and fake bling and be Madonna circa the Material Girl video.

In my quest for silver shoes, I seriously lucked out and found some Paris Hilton brand shoes -- I know, Paris Hilton...vom! But they were on sale at Macy's and cost me only $51 and they are actually really comfortable. There is this heart shaped padding placed in the shoe that is really cushy on the balls of my feet. I said balls, and Paris Hilton, where is this going? Bottom line is that I think Paris got something right, she has walked in enough heels to know how painful it can be and that was definitely in mind when creating these shoes!

So this is it. Almost all of my bridesmaid duties have been completed: I've made out with one of the Grooms' cousins, drank some of the groomsmen under the table at the engagement party attended the engagement party/Bridal shower/, helped plan and attended the bachelorette party and talked my girl off the ledge when dealing with the normal bridal panic attacks. Thanks to Bridesmaid bootcamp, I am now well trained in wedding crisis management. All I have to do is make sure the bride has everything she needs on her big day and make it to my early A.M. hair and makeup appointments. I think I can do it!

I'm trying not to worry about the fact that this wedding has a 458 person guest list. I can't help but think I am going to trip or fall and have 458 people laughing at me (myself included). Being the token beaner and the easiest person to spot, I really need to hold my shit together. I have to remember that I'm the only one in the wedding party who's name doesn't end with ian or yan, I'm an honorary "friend of ours" right now and I don't want to screw that up. Note to self: Make it through the ceremony and don't drink too much at the reception. Drink water. Don't die of heat exhaustion.

Spidey Needs More Paws

As you can see above I've included a visual for the Spidey slap. In this particular photo Spidey was not pleased about being held down and having kissey faces made at her, this is how I know she is NOT gay.

I'm having a rough Mother F'ing morning and therefore the world must suffer with me. It's time for yet another round of SPIDEY SLAPS....

EMO BOY- For not returning my calls or texts in regard to setting up training sessions. I have not seen him in over a week and 1/2 and my ASS along with everything else is growing at an exponential rate. I'M NOT PAYING YOU HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS SO I CAN BE FAT(TER). PUT DOWN THE GUYLINER AND CALL ME BACK!

THE SITUATION- For being MIA for months until you decide to drunk text me on your birthday that you wanted birthday dome and then never returning my texts or calls. LEAVE ME ALONE IF YOU DON'T WANNA BONE!

THE RANDOM - Big surprise right? For giving me hopes and dreams after initiating contact with me for at least 3 weeks in a row and then dropping off the face of the planet when I want my needs met. Is there such a thing as a "Sex Camel"?

MY COMMUTE - For licking ball sack and generally RUINING my life everyday twice a day.

MY UTERUS - For being on the verge of Sporting and causing this tirade of a post.

THE SHORT BUS - For FAILING smog check.

THE A.M. HOURS - Just because.

HOWEVER, GETTING A BIG SPIDEY HIGH-FIVE TODAY IS......

MY DEPARTNER - For coming back from the grocery store with Cigs, Sugar Free Rockstar, and Raspberry Ice Tea Snapples for me without me even asking for them. It's possible she may have picked up on my less than average mood and is making offerings to appease me. I would have preferred a Virgin sacrifice but I guess I'll have to make do.

No Box. No Toy.

Last night The Ringleader, myself, and a few friends went to Ago. Normally I'm not a huge fan of the place GASP! I know, I know but I'm trying to acclimate myself to it since it's one of The Ringleaders favorite places. The last time we went to Ago they scored massive points with me by having the most glorious crab cakes I've ever eaten, in fact so glorious that we have dubbed them "Crackcakes". So in preparation for our visit last night I even called ahead to see if they would have them on the menu that night which they did NOT. Defeated, I decided to still go as planned if not for the Peach Martini alone.

* Disclaimer: I eat things in 2 categories the box/toy category and the red meat/potato category. I've been known to spit things out if my taste buds do not like what they taste and refuse to order things with ANY type of cream sauce or that I can not pronounce. I've made it this far in life and so far things have been fine. Until The Ringleader came along that is.

So last night when I ordered Veal Ravioli I thought The Ringleader was going to fall off of her chair. I'm pretty sure for The Ringleader it was like a parent watching a child take their first steps. I can only hope that McDonalds considers my petition for Veal McNuggets so that I can have my toy too. As if the Veal Ravioli didn't earn me enough gold stars for the night I also managed to recognize a celebrity ALL ON MY OWN! That's right people I might as well quit my day job and start working as paparazzi. Ok, so maybe not but TMZ better watch out because I'm on the celeb grind these days.

We saw Turtle.

NO! Not that Turtle.... This one.

J-O-O'ing My Broke Ass Into Concerts

Tomorrow night is the VH1 Rock Honors Awards Show, honoring The Who. My favorite band ever, Incubus, and my boyfriend the lead singer, Brandon Boyd will be performing at this show. I have known about this concert for as long as they have been running the commercials on VH1 but I did not know it was happening in LA until after the tickets had sold out. I actually thought that last Saturday was the show itself and that this weekend they were going to air the performance, until one of my co-workers got a phone call that she was going and it's tomorrow night.

I can't just let other people go to see this concert and then have to hear of it's glory on Monday morning, so I decided to put my Ringleader J-O-O powers into action and find myself a way in. Hmmmm, Lilo's roommate, 'the Anchor' (the one that was in love with me until he brought some blond home the other night...that roommate) his favorite band ever, Pearl Jam, is playing at the show as well. Everytime PJ is in town or even in Santa Barbara he spends ridiculous amounts of money and goes, no matter what. Since I have nothing else to do today, I decide to send the Anchor a blackberry message and start planting the seed. The Anchor is pretty unaware of most happenings in the real world, he gets a lot of help from friends in life, and it's relatively easy to make him feel special and like you were thinking of him.

So I ask him if he has tickets to see Pearl Jam, Incubus, Foo Fighters, Tenacious-D, and The Who tomorrow night. Almost immediately, I get a phone call at work asking about WHAT concert with all those people and where is it? And how he is willing to pay good money for seats. +1 for the Ringleader for peaking his interest. I then start forwarding him available tickets from Craigslist and he is really only interested in $450 tickets on the FLOOR. Since he doesn't understand how Craiglist "works" he tells me that he is "in" for sure but that he has to go into a quick meeting. Then asks me to call around to ticket brokers and see what they have and he will call me after the meeting to lock this down.

How the hell am I going to get him to drop $400+ on a ticket for me? I mean he HAS to buy me a ticket because this was all my idea and I don't have any money and I mean, even if he has some blond w/ fake tits broad named "Kim" he really still needs to love me enough to take me to a show, right?

For some odd reason, I check on ticketmaster and they released all these seats ON THE FLOOR for $300 per ticket + fees! I start sending Blackberry messages like the sky is falling and it's a 911 emergency to let him know that I can get tix at FACE VALUE like I'm some sort of champion ticket searcher.

Within minutes he calls me and tells me to get FOUR tickets (as two more friends are coming) at that price and hands over his credit card info. In closing, I'm going to the show and it's not just the Anchor and I going on a faux date.

Now, what am I going to wear??? I mean, I'm sure Brandon is going to sing a song to his girlfriend **cough cough ** ME! And I can't be looking like ass when they look for my 'on camera reaction" to him professing his undying love for me.

Lil Bat Shiteous

The cutest lil batshit crazy puppy ever. At least as far as I am concerned. Spidey is uber excited for her upcoming nature walks this weekend with The Ringleader and maybe Ms. Stilettos while I am in Las Vegas. However, not so sure she is all that excited about being left in the care of my roomie.

The Dating Drought

I've been in such a funk lately. No matter what exciting things I do, where I go, and how much fun I have -- I am unable to avoid the single sad moments that have become a regular part of my everyday life. I find myself obsessing over the lack of intimate relationships and romantic interests in my life. I realize that I should be nothing but thankful for my wonderful friends and the many blessings that I am fortunate to have, but all I can think of are the things I am missing and what is making my feel incomplete as of late.

I'm sure my friends have come to notice that I am not myself lately. It's kind of at the point where I don't even really know what to say about things because I'm so embarrassed of the way that I feel and my actions as result of those feelings. Lately I am quick to judge my friends re: the choices they are making in their love lives. I've never been a jealous person, but I can't help but feel left out and like I am hating on my friends for having some sort of love life! Its crazy and not at all me. I love my Roomie, and I think the guy she is seeing is a really nice guy that is teaching her a lot about relationships and herself. I have never been one to player hate and am always the first to encourage boning on-the-regular and fucking celebrate the fact that my friends have a glorious sex life, but lately I'm the bitter old lady with a dried up VaGee that doesn't want to hear about it! No soup for me = NO FUCKING SOUP FOR YOU! Obviously, rather than say something like that I just keep that shit inside because THAT IS CRAZY TALK and I need to snap the fuck out of it!

I can't pinpoint what I need to do to change the way things have been going. Lately random little things have happened that sort of snowballed and caused my self confidence to plunge to depths I have never experienced. I've never lacked self confidence or experienced low self esteem until recently. Lately I just feel invisible and that is pretty hard to do considering the fact that I stand at 5 feet 8 inches tall wearing flats, have a loud mouth, and since I know everybody I'm generally running the show... hence my name, The Alleged Ringleader. I'm hardly unnoticeable! I can walk into a bar with Lilo, Stilettos, and friends and Stilettos literally can't make it to the bar to order a drink before guys are asking if she is available! Lilo currently has 3 guys on tap at any given moment. Even my Roomie has a dude and still manages to whore it out and hook up with two dudes while in Miami! But really...What I HATE to admit was the last straw, or the stand out moment that became the buttercream frosting on my cake of failure. Up until now, only Lilo and Stilettos are the only ones who know, mostly because it's so lame. It happened on Saturday morning....

Lilo and I were sprawled out in 4th of July recovery mode at her place and The Anchor (her roomie/my client and good friend) came home. Neither one of us turned around to say hi, we just sort of groaned while still staring at the TV and chatted with him. Then all of a sudden he goes "Kim, this is Lilo and the Ringleader. Ringleader/Lilo, this is Kim." I literally hung my head upside down from the couch to look behind me and see who I was being introduced to. I mean, the Anchor has a female friend? Sure enough, he managed to pull a skinny blond with big fake tits. Part of me wondered if this was really happening or if I was still incredibly hungover from the insanity of the day before. How the hell did the Anchor manage to even get a girl to hang out with him? He sucks at life and fails at friendship! More importantly, the Anchor has been in love with me forever. It's been my sole duty to turn him down time and time again. We've been good friends and I have helped him at life for the past few years, anyone who knows him just knows he is challenged and needs constant help and guidance with normal everyday tasks. In exchange for the countless hours I've spent listening to him try to figure things out I get taken to nice dinners and always know that the Anchor <3's me. My how the times have changed!

It's official, I have absolutely no one paying me any attention. My self confidence? Inexistent! What do I do? Break out the gift certificate to Burke Williams and drag Lilo with me for 3+ hours of massage, sauna, steam room, jacuzzi and hell, I even went in the misting room! All in the name of butt-hurt management. Did it work? Yeah, just like duct tape and plywood works when trying to build a home on the side of the road in Jamaica. Temporarily, my BH was managed. Come Sunday, I didn't even want to get out of bed. I allowed a single sad moment to morph into a single sad day, and was about to let it grow into a single sad weekend. What's next? My single sad life and a newfound fondness for felines?

At this point I'm looking for someone with the following:

1. One gun. A handgun, shotgun, Tech-9, semi-automatic, etc. I'm not picky.
2. One bullet.
   
3. Someone with pretty good aim. Decent eyesight is a bonus.

I just don't understand what I am doing wrong and why I am not meeting any quality individuals that could possibly serve as a love interest for me? I have a bagillion friends and NONE of them have anyone to offer me? Everyone says that there is a 6 degrees of The Ringleader, you know like the 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon? Everyone seems to know everyone through me, somehow. New people that are introduced to my circle of friends couldn't be more thrilled to be a part of it. The dating possibilities are endless...FOR EVERYONE ELSE! I couldn't have more gorgeous single ladies and gentlemen as friends! Why can't I find another Ringleader with a gigantor circle of friends for ME to choose from? That needs to be the next new friend I make, someone with an already established circle of friends with options galore.

I need a crush. Someone to obsess over and think about. Someone to text random nonsense to when I am wondering what they are doing. Someone to satisfy my need for late-night phone conversations ranging from our most embarrassing moments to our secret sexual desires. Someone to get to know and know that I actually LIKE, not just someone that falls under the category of "Hi, you'll do."

I guess when it comes down to it, I just won't settle. I'm no nonsense and don't take any bullshit. Maybe that's my my fatal flaw. Maybe I ought to start making attempts at keeping my mouth shut and just look pretty while giggling and nodding every now and again? I always thought my wit and humor was part of my appeal, but maybe it's a part of my downfall?

Maybe the Jessica Simpson's of the world have it right. Be really needy and act brainless so people will want to save you. Is Miss Independent really that in demand?

God I just want to VOM reading what I wrote. I sound like such a sorry whiny baby girl that wants everyone to pity me. PLEASE don't feel sorry for me! I just suck at life and love right now.

4th Of July Part II

I will pick up where The Ringleader left off with our 4th of July antics. More so from where she go too drunk to remember or realize what I was up too.

After walking to the liquor store I realized that The Random was back at the house ALONE so WTF was I doing walking around with Sloppy Joe? I ran back to the house where I found him laying on the couch proceeded to get on top of him and start making out. Exactly what "he was hoping would happen" or so he said. We quickly moved to the only bathroom in the house where I slipped the g-string to the side and proceeded get railed from behind while sticking my head out the door into the hallway to make sure no one was coming. Ya, I'm good at multi-tasking.

Later on that evening we decided it would be best for us all to get something to eat so after another liquor store stop to fill our purses with beer we headed over to a little spot for some grub. About 6 of were sitting on the patio eating when all of the sudden of the girls casually mentions that she has taken a whole fist in to the ASS!!!! At that point there was no hope for our conversation and it dove further and deeper into the world of ass, spooge, dome, and public sex acts than I had ever wanted to go. It got so bad at one point that The Random had to get up and close the doors from the patio into the restaurant in hopes that our Klassy conversation would not clear the entire restaurant as it had the patio area.

Then we went to the beach watched some fireworks blah blah blah. Drunken me decides that I think The Random and I can pull of some "activities" on the beach sitting with our group of friends under a blanket, NOT SO MUCH. I did manage however to get us quite hot and bothered, enough so that we qot up and went back to a friends apartment mumbling something about be cold to our friends and needing to warm up. Upon arriving back to the apartment we realize that we are locked out at that point though we were on a mission so I decided that it would be perfectly acceptable to pop the screen off one of the open windows and crawl into the house. So I did. Breaking and Entering so that I could have a quickie before everyone got home.

At least I have my priorities in line.

I don't what it is about being around The Random, but I just can't seem to NOT hook up with him .... Ok so maybe it's all the booze, but I like to pretend it's a magical force the surrounds us. *Que the psycho music*

My New Nickname

According to the Random, my new nickname is SLOPPY JOE. And for good f-ing reason! Let's take a tour of my 4th of July shenanigans.

Lilo and I were invited to our friend Guido's family beach house up in Ventura for a big party on the 4th. As it turns out, a couple of my high school friends (including the Random) have homes within a few blocks of Guido's so it was bound to be an inexpensive day of debauchery.

Lilo and I show up to Guido's house on Friday afternoon and NO ONE is home. Luckily, the doors were open and their dogs were friendly, because we waltzed our way in there having had to pee for a good 30 minutes before arriving. We heard from my girl T that Guido lost his cell phone doing karaoke the night before. Without a way to reach him, we decided to walk along the beach to try and find Guido, the Random, and our other friends. We walked on the beach, back to the house, and down random streets and could not see or HEAR the loud yelling Guido anywhere! Since wandering the beach and streets was not working out for us, and we were kind of lost in the area, we devised a fail proof plan:

Go back to the house, sit in the front yard, break open the bottle of Patron we brought with, and wait for someone to come home to find us.

Genius, right? Well, there was no way we were going to be able to take shots of Patron to the dome sans a chaser so we walked back into the house and helped ourselves to a glass of OJ to share and resumed our position in the front yard. I should mention that I have never before met Guido's mom, we have been friends for 18 years and I had yet to meet the DNA that makes up this Guido. After each of us were about 4 shots into the bottle, Guido's mom pulls into the driveway to find us and our bar of tequila, OJ, and plastic cups in her front yard. Thankfully, she is an obvious member of the Prozac nation and was nice as can be and was actually thrilled to have us. But where was Guido? Oh well, take another shot.

While sitting in the front yard, I look in the distance and see a shirtless Guido hopping into a truck with a random girl. Woo hoo! I run and stop them and inform an already inebriated Guido who has been drinking since 7am that he is coming inside and taking shots of Patron. At the same time, my girl T and her boyfriend show up along with countless members of Guido's friends and family. Everyone starts taking shots and Guido decides on some music to go with partying on his favorite holiday of the year; insert Bruce Springsteen CD - Born in the USA, press play and you have Guido rocking his own version of air guitar hero...

The details of what comes next are a bit fuzzy. Somehow or another 3 of us girls split a muscle relaxer and I'm not quite sure what happened but I do know that:

• I stole Guido's fedora and proceeded to walk to the liquor store with Lilo, T & her bf, and the Random.
• I stopped along the way to the liquor store for photoshoots in Guido's fedora on top of his neighbors Bentley Continental GT.
• While waiting outside of the Liquor Store, I met some minors and informed T that she would need to buy them some booze.
• The minor asked me if I would put the booze in the trunk of her car and while placing it in her trunk, I decided to steal her teddy bear (which her friends saw me do) and take it back to Guido's with me.

Next thing you know I was taking a nap in a bay window while my friends molested me. Lilo comes over and whispers to me that she boned the Random in Guido's bathroom/hallway.

I reply: "You didn't let that Midget throw it in your ass."

Lilo: "NO!"

Me (obviously unsatisfied with Lilo's answer): Got up and started yelling in front of everyone "Midget, you didn't throw it in her ass, DID YOU?"

The Random then escorted me to Guido's room where he was asleep on the bed. Told me that I should finish my nap with him, since he was also really faded off of the Patron and passed out for being completely inappropriate a bit earlier. I was drunk and obliged, passed out for a solid 20 minutes until I was unable to breathe any oxygen in the air. Guido had virtually turned the entire room into a Dutch Oven haven of the smelly farts ever. I then find out that the Random kept coming in there just to fart and leave. It might have gassed me into sobriety, I got up and we all went to dinner and to have a few more beers. Slowly the wheels were reattached and I was able to finish off the night watching fireworks on the beach with my friends.

Hopefully Lilo will tell her stories from Ventura as well, she might have more of a recollection of events than I did.

The Ringleaders 7 Deadly Sins

Douchegirl tagged me and Lilo stole the tag. I'm doing it anyways.



WRATH

1. Who did you last get angry with? I'm angry with Stilettos and her moronic boyfriend Sam for thinking it's a good idea for her to travel alone to Costa Rica to spend her birthday with strangers. I don't think she thinks things through and I worry about her becoming the next Natalee Holloway

2. What is your weapon of choice? My mind and my words that cut like a knife. Oh and gossip works well too. Afterall, I AM a Mean Girl.

3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? Not unless I lost my damn mind or needed to throw down in self defense.

4. How about of the same sex? I'll hit a broad if I have to. I stopped getting into fights when I turned 18 and started worrying about getting arrested. You only get 1 real get out of jail free card.

5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? Really angry seems harsh. I don't know of anyone that has gotten really angry with me lately. Not that they would tell me because I would beat some ass ;)

6. What is your pet peeve? Lying liars who lie.

7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? I keep a grudge for an unspecified amount of time but I almost always am a sucker and give people second chances.

SLOTH

1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you don't? It would be good if I worked out everyday, but I am just too busy preparing for the wedding and keeping my social life active.

2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? 11PM - I can lay down and die like that for 18 hours.

4. What is the last lame excuse you made? Can't go cause I'm broke...but it's true. Lame but true.

5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through? Late at night, yep.

6. When was the last time you got in a good workout? Saturday @ Pilates. Tonight I will too.

7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? No, I turn on the tv and listen to them say what time it is.

GLUTTONY

1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? Dirty Martini or fine wine.

2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat?? White.

3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? It would probably have to be New Year's Day 2007. Beer, champagne, jello shots and a whole lot of grAY water.

4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? Weight Watchers, it worked.

5. Do you have an issue with your weight? No, it has an issue by not getting lost.

6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy? Salty and spicy.

7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought "lunch"? I looked at Spidey and thought "Mmmmm Delicious Puppy Meat."

LUST

1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family): I have no idea. Lots, people like to get naked around me.

2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family): I have no idea, I'm not a naked girl though.

3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of the opposite gender during a normal conversation? Sure.

4. Have you ever kissed two people in one night? Yeah, I'm a wild one!

5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? I like teeth and smiles.

6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? No. And no one has ever asked me to choke them during sex either...Am I the only one?

GREED

1. How many credit cards do you own? I don't OWN any credit.

2. What's your guilty pleasure store? Any fab restaurant.

3. Would you rather be rich, or famous? Rich.

4. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? Yes because I could take megafun vacations with those megabucks!

5. Have you ever stolen anything? I stole marbles when I was like 5 years old. My granny made me take them back.

6. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? A few hundred.

PRIDE

1. What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of? Never moved home once I moved out.

2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? It doesn't take much but probably traveling and always having a job.

3. What things would you like to accomplish in your life? Travel and find a nice 401k plan. Not get J-O-O'd out of things.

4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? If you aren't first you are LAST. 2nd best = FAIL.

5.Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? All the time, I deal with pretty ignorant people on the regs.

6.Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
All sorts of tests. I was pro.

7. What did you do today that you're proud of?I made it to work on time.

ENVY

1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? The fab handbags.

2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? Someone like P. Diddy.

3.If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
That princess of Monaco with all the $$ and glorious 5 lettered items and vacation homes.

4. Have you ever been cheated on? Yeah. I didn't think it was a huge deal.

5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
Having a flat stomach would pretty much make me unstoppable.

6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
The ability to truly apply myself to projects and things.

I tag anyone who feels like doing this.

Dime Piece In Training

Emo boy was officially suppose to start my training last Friday but do to an unexpected back injury he had to reschedule me for Monday. That's not to say that I didn't see him on Friday it just involved less physical training and more hot tub antics. Again though I FAIL and did not bone because I was God Damn Sporting!

I'm writing this post with much difficulty as my upper body feels practically immobile. I am soooo sooo sooo sore. He beat me up last night and not in the way I am use to being beat up. It's truly amazing what a trained professional can do in just an hour at the gym. Not to mention the after hours support via texts telling me that I was not allowed to have any carbs after 9pm NOT A SINGLE ONE! I swear he must have been looking through my windows watching me pull the potato pastries out of the oven at 9:03pm, luckily The Ringleader was there to handle those. I am excited to meet with him again on Wednesday and have him work me from the waist down even if means not being able to walk around 4th of July weekend. I am NOT spending this kind of money to FAIL at FitMEss. Even if means crying in my car after every session.