You Can't Go Wrong With A Motorboat

I've been super busy this week and today is no different but I wanted to get a briefing out on our trip.

After 5 hours of "Are we there yet?" coming from me, The Ringleader was pretty happy to NOT be in a confined space with me. After meeting up with my grandma to check us in (FREE ROOMS!) I immediately changed threw on some make-up and hit the tables to get in some drinking and gambling in the hour we had before our dinner reservations. We had a glorious birthday dinner with Mrs.. TNA and her very intoxicated spouse along with a few other friends. A couple beers, a few Bacardi - diet cokes and a glass of wine later dinner was over and we headed to Tarzans*. A half dozen more Bacardi cokes down I suddenly felt the VOM creeping up on me so I ran to the bathroom of course running into some of our group and proceeded to VOM our glorious dinner and drinks. By the time I got back to the table everyone was already aware of my situation and some of our new friends were worried as to whether or not I was going to be able to make it.

As everyone who knows me knows I'm not going to let a little VOM get in the way of my drinking so I headed right back to the bar and continued drinking. Puke and Rally Lilo! Around 2am I had lost all the cash on me and decided to grab a chili cheese dog with EXTRA onions and cheese to take back to the room. The thing is I don't even like onions.... blame the alcohol.

The next morning I had to be up at 8am to help with the getting the boat and going to the store to prepare for the lake. Which really meant that Mrs.. TNA, her husband and myself rallied at the bar at 8:30am for Bloody Mary's and mimosas before we set out on a walk down the river walk to find breakfast and hopefully some other members of our party. We managed to locate breakfast and other members of our party and headed off to get the boat about 2 hours behind schedule. When we did FINALLY get to the lake it turned out to be one of the most drunken glorious trips EVER. We marked out campsite with the Red Eye pirate flag and got down to business.

We grilled burgers, drank cases and cases of beer, someone VOM'd on the beach, bathing suit tops came off, people got lubed up, we drank more beer, threw down some mini bottles of white zin (ya we're Klassy like that) and had an all around awesome time motor boating each other.... Blame the alcohol.

We returned to shore absolutely hammered but with everyone and all of our stuff. After we took back the rental boat we called for cabs to take up back to the hotel, it just so happened that our Cabbies name was Michael GrAY - No joke people it was like a sign from the Sweet Baby Jesus - Not only that but he offered to give Mrs.. TNA a NUG of his private stash as a birthday gift, however we politely declined and gave him a nice tip. Since we were all starving we decided it would be best to drop off all of our stuff in the room and head directly to Joe's crab shack and this is when I found the Ringleader in the hallway of the hotel. She never made it out that night..... Blame the alco....no actually she just FAILS sometimes.

I VOM'd yet again after the crab shack and even managed to puke on my shirt... What do I do? Take the shirt off wrap a towel around me and continue to party.... Seemed like a good idea at the time. What also seemed like a good idea was to continue drinking and gambling. The whole crew decided it would be a good idea to head down to Losers Lounge, I think the name alone says it all. I'm just hoping that I can pay off certain people who may or may not have questionable video of me from that night.

I bailed around 2am and went back to the room to get some sleep before our Sunday brunch extravaganza with the grandparents (FREE FOOD!) and hitting the road for the 5 hour drive home. Where I had to listen endlessly to The Ringleader go on and on about how WTA boating is now one of her favorite activities and how I need to make it happen more often. She even said that she would be willing to CAMP with a HOUSEBOAT at the lake for a weekend if it meant she "got to ride in the boat going fast because that's so fun" I'm pretty sure I'm bringing her to the dark side. MHUAHAHAHAHAHA!

You've Been Given a Voice, USE IT!

Stilettos here...posting on behalf of the lovely Ringleader, who decided to compose this blog several bloody marys deep on her flight to Colorado! Who knew we had a little political activist on our hands? xxx

As you all know from reading our blog, the mean girls have opinions, thoughts, and feelings! And we're not afraid to voice them! It's part of the reason we HAVE A BLOG, so that we can rant, rave, bitch, and complain...we are women afterall, aren't we? What can I say other than, we have a lot to say. Thankfully, we live in a GREAT country; one where we are encouraged to think and invited to express those thoughts, emotions, and convey our passion to anyone who will listen. Lord knows I don't know what I would do if I lived in a commie nation where I wasn't allowed to comment on government or things I feel are wrong with the country I live in.
These opinions are my own and in no way reflect that of either of the other Mean Girls, so if you want to hold it against someone, hold it against me...but at least buy me a drink 1st ;)

The past two elections have been disappointing, to say the least. It's always a disappointment when you don't win, and in this case when your chosen candidate does not succeed and is not elected. Part of me feels like why bother caring and "backing" another candidate? Why fight for someone? Does my opinion REALLY matter? I don't even understand the electoral college and what it takes for one to be elected. I feel as though my vote for president hasn't counted the last two times. California came through and agreed with my past TWO choices for president, but parts of my country did not and therefore the past 8 years were spent lead (if you can call it that) by George W. Bush. Needless to say, I lost faith in our government and wondered if change was really possible.

I've felt as though I don't have a voice. As if the issues that affect me and things most important to me have not been represented by this administration. For the first time in my life, I felt ashamed to be an American when traveling overseas and to other nations. I am VERY fortunate to have had the opportunities I have had to travel and explore the world and experience what it has to offer, but that has come with a price. The price of defending our great nation and the choices it has made in the world to anyone and everyone who questions it. Frankly, I am not qualified to do so as I don't understand those choices myself.

One thing I can tell you all about, is the difference in the way I have been treated as an American traveling to other countries since the US declared war on Iraq/War on Terror/post September 11. The difference is unbelievable and initially, people in other countries tried to personally blame me for the choices our administration made in regards to the war. Only recently have they come around and felt pity on me. I live in the great UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! I don't need anyone to pity me. Without getting too much into it, it's a horrible feeling. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me!
Especially feeling sorry for me for the decisions I did not make.

My main passion in life is travel (well, aside from food). That is why I do what I do, the reason I became The Alleged Ringleader, Travel Agent Extraordinaire. My entire life and livelihood has been affected by terrorism, the war, and fear. I don't want to live in fear and I don't want my clients to fear traveling abroad, which is why I needed to take action and DO SOMETHING! Let my voice be heard and fight for our nation to flourish and return to it's glory as the greatest nation on Earth!

I need motivation. I want to be inspired and moved to make a difference. I want to strive towards change. I need to have hope. I need to believe. I need to have hopes and dreams that I can believe in. I WANT to believe that as a nation, we can CHANGE for the better and for the good of the world. We are the most powerful nation in the world and we need to lead the world into the future! We can't do it unless every single one of us uses our voice! We need to use our voice to be heard by voting for what we believe in. I don't care what it is YOU believe in, just take a stand! Believe in something, for if you don't, you will fall for everything.

I am lucky enough to have the opportunity of a lifetime. My grandparents are super delegates (whatever that means) and because of their super delegate status, I was offered a ticket to the democratic national convention in Denver. On Thursday, I will be at Invesco Field/Mile High Stadium to witness Barack Obama accept the democratic nomination for President of the United States. The first African American to ever have a real opportunity to lead this great nation. As I stated before, I NEED to believe in the possibility of change! I need this and expect nothing but to be moved and get motivated by Obama's passion to change the world of politics in this country.

I want to believe that integrity can be restored to the White House. I want to believe that our peers/other nations will believe in us again and have our back in the world by standing beside us and believing in everything our country was founded upon. I want to believe that politics can exist without the "politics" and roadblocks that have hindered our growth and halted our progress in the past 8 years.

I have hopes and I have dreams; and so should you.

Second Place = 1st LOSER

Last night was Wings 'N Trivia night at South in Santa Monica, our favorite westside bar. Unfortunately, Stilettos was unable to join us for a repeat performance of last wing/trivia night as she was at the Radiohead concert sitting in the nosebleeds. While we missed her and her pop culture skills tremendously; I bet she is glad she was spared of this horrific hangover that is upon me this morning.

I did the best I could with last minute Wings 'n Trivia players. I really tried to put together the best dream team possible on short notice. Without further ado, here are the players and their strengths:

Guido - Sports, Pop Culture, Music. This guy is an all around good choice. He won 1st place at Wings 'n Trivia a couple of months ago and is the reason we even know about trivia night in the first place.

Lilo - Cheats and was branded a cheater 3 hours before trivia even began by one of the bartenders. The good news is that she is GOOD at it. Steps outside for a cig and no one realizes she is using her blackberry for the good of the team.

Posh Wife - aka/the former Posh Bride who's glorious wedding I was in last month. She is an all around pop culture, fashion, and celebrity news buff. All the time spent reading UsWeekly PAYS OFF!'

Jimmy Choo - Co-worker who religiously watched the Olympics and knows random things about sports and the 80's and things.

Roomie/The hardest working personal trainer in LA - Turned out to be useless at trivia but really enjoyed the sweet potato fries and fried chicken (she made it a cheat day last night).

Stiggy - my 60+ year old co-worker who knows all things baseball and is like a freakin sports almanac.

Team Name: Lying Liars Who Lie.

We started showing up at 6:30pm (Lilo at 5:30) so we could catch 2 hours of happy hour priced booze before getting into trivia and the $5 charge for TWENTY WINGS! It's safe to say we were nice and liq'd up for trivia which began around 8:30pm. It began showing us rock videos and answering questions about what we had just seen. There were approximately 6 rounds of random trivia questions, each round ranging from 6-10 questions worth 1 point each. One round devoted to all things Will Ferrell, one to guessing which Tom Cruise movie certain lines were from, and one round matching celebrity moms to their sons (worth 10 points!)

Since we are new to the "bar trivia world" we were not aware that there are professional trivia teams that commute from places like VENICE to come and play trivia (gay). With each round passing we were ONE point behind the pro team who had some dumb name The Sugar Babies aka the cheating cheaters who cheat and have 13 people on their team when you are allowed 6. We were REALLY buckling down with each round and were barely hanging onto the #2 spot thanks to Posh Wife recognizing the theme song to Northern Exposure and helping me match all 10 celebrity babies to their mother and Lilo cheating by phoning a friend to find out what movie Ricky Bobby thought should have won the academy award (Highlander). Then the worlds stupidest round came about where they showed us pictures of bands with the word "BAD" in their name. Somehow the bastard cheater babies pulled ahead and beat us by FOUR points. The funny thing about the cheater babies is that two of the owners seemed to know them pretty well. I'm not saying anything, but they may have been in on the cheat.

Trivia ran way later than usual and by 10 - 10:30pm we were losing team members who had been boozing for hours. At the end of trivia around 11:15pm there were 5 of us and 2 pitchers of Blue Moon leftover for us to put down. We were all pretty faded and Lilo was getting ready to head home when all of a sudden the trivia master/DJ sent us a 2nd place prize. A GIANT fishbowl with 10 straws of what they call "Voodoo Brew." I preferred to call it the Firecrotch Punch. They normally charge $40 for this stuff and they have NEVER offered a 2nd place prize! I don't think I have ever been as excited to be 1st loser as I was when they brought this punch over!

Needless to say, we started drinking QUICKLY.

And then my wheels came off and I ended up...

Once I was facedown in the firecrotch punch I knew it was time to go...that and the fact that it was really sweet and I needed to vom. Guido was not ready to tap out just yet, not with two pitchers of beer and while knee deep in bowl of firecrotch punch. He talked a waitress into clocking out and sitting down to kill the firecrotch with him...and she did. Guido has a way of getting people to do things they don't want to do all of the time. This morning after a night of glor twittering at South. I get a phone call from Guido and it goes like this:

Guido: "Hey fucker thanks for leaving me last night. I woke up in my car this morning on the corner of blank and blank. Me and the cute asian waitress killed the firecrotch punch and closed the place down. She didn't even take me home, what a cock tease."

Me: "Why did you end up on the corner of blank and blank? That is NOWHERE near your home or South?"

Guido: "I guess I figured I would drive my car to school and sleep on the couch in my classroom."

Me: "Jesus Christ Guido! Did you not think about how weird that would be trying to get into your high school at 2am so that you could go to class and sleep?"

Guido: "I mean I must have...why else would I have slept in my car up the street from school? I had a meeting at 8am with the principal and the other teachers. At least I was on time."

For those that haven't guessed it. Guido teaches at a high school. He's one of the most glorious people I have ever met. One day I will post a blog on the things I have learned from Guido. As a teaser, he taught me the phrase "No head, no bed" which I'll get into one day.

In unrelated news I think Lilo and Guido should get married, so what if the Random is his best friend? Lilo is the only other person aside from Guido who I know that can champion drinking, hooking up, and having a blast, while holding down a real job AND owning her home. Plus, look at how cute they look together:

Guido is our newest honorary Mean Guy.

The Hideout

Last night I was invited out to The Hideout in Santa Monica for get together #2 for my friend Jay's birthday. I had already gone out with him, his two brothers, and their friends for his b-day on Saturday night when I left The Garter bar sans this boys phone # or afterparty invitation. Seeing how that night sort of FAILED, I knew I had to go out last night and pull myself out of this rejection slump. Plus I figured if it was good enough for Sienna Miller and Balthazar Getty to canoodle at, then it was good enough for me to try to whore around at.

I was having a good hair day and actually feeling pretty and skinny so I put on a pair of skinny jeans and a turquoise tank top to show the girls off. I was looking like a bucket of tits and what is better than a bucket of tits? Yay for confidence!

I get there and it's all boys (which is usually the case with this group except for their girlfriends). They are always new ones to meet and last night was no exception. Right off the bat I meet this guy who was around 37-38 years old, he introduced himself and immediately started buying me drinks. I started off with a Red Stripe and a chilled shot of Patron. We talked and this guy was really interesting and I found myself thinking "Hi. You'll do." He tells me that my friend Jay hired him/they work together all while buying me drink after drink. Yeah...I kind of thought it was weird that HE was buying the drinks and NOT Jay who "hired him." Then I see this guy is riding a sick custom Harley while hearing whispers of the 6 figure cost of this bike (really? Harleys can cost 6 figures???) I go on talking to him and he seems interested and then cue the waaah waaahh waaaahhh music...saw the ring on his finger. He's MARRIED. And for some reason once I found that out and made a comment about it, he went ahead and gave me his business card?? He is the PRESIDENT of the advertising agency that Jay works for...Why would I need his business card?? Moving on.

I had met a lot of friends and this young buck was hollering at me as well. he was really sweet and kept trying to creep in and buy me a shot but Advertising President kept beating him to it. So this kid is going out of his way complimenting me on everything but especially my hair. BTW, I have long hair and its pretty amazing when I work with it. Last night I was wearing it wavy and my friends call it "Mermaid Hair" when I have it styled like that, it really looks just like Daryl Hannah's hair from Splash. Anyways out of nowhere this kid says "I just want to pull your hair. I don't know what it is but I just want to grab a fistful and pull it." Now, I love my hair pulled just as much as anyone, especially during sex and in the bedroom but it's just plain WEIRD when someone says they want to pull it while you're having drinks at a bar. He kept staring at me and waiting for me to give him the go ahead too! then he says "Can I touch it?" Ummmm OKAYYYYYYYY???? Guy #2 got passed on, IMMEDIATELY.

Jay's older brother Matty was sitting with his girlfriend and two hot guys at the bar, so I escaped the hair puller to go talk to them. Both guys were really attractive but there was something about one of them, Chris. He had to have been at least 35, great body, cute smile and he was pretty captivating while speaking. I heard him tell Matty's gf that he was dating some girl, but it just didn't seem serious seeing how he was asked if he had a girlfriend and that was his response. Chris and I started talking about travel and the Olympics an all this stuff. I was being pretty charming by you know, making fun of him and giving him a hard time and he was really into it. At this point it's probably around 11:30pm and I an contemplating my commitment to making this happen with him vs. going home to sleep since I had to work today. Is it worth it? I mean, is this guy gonna give me a firm handshake and a "Nice to meet you" pat on the back at the end of the night? Hmmmm...I decide I better Blackberry Message Lilo and see what she thought. I got no response.

I find out that Chris has been drinking and just came from the Bel Air Bay Club where he was at with friends that are in town for a wedding that he is in. The more we talk, the more he is brushing past me, up against me, and finding reasons to touch me - yay! It got to the point where we were walking outside and he was walking behind me with both hands on my hips. After that he was all up on my shit, things were going WELL. Hands on my hips, rubbing my ass and then he moves my hair off of my neck and blowwwwwssss on it! Ladies, is there any better flirting and pre-foreplay you can have? I'm thinking BONUS after BONUS, not only is he hot, but he has a fucking membership to the Bel Air Bay Club (aka Bayside Bay Club from Saved by the Bell!) this is going well! This could potentially be a 401k plan, no?

1am and I am faded. I also need to be up for work at 6am since I am only working a half day today so I can head out to Laughlin. I decided that I just need to go and I excuse myself to say goodbye to all of my friends, saving Chris for last (you know, hopes and dreams...) Anyways, I make my way back to him and say that I have to go and this is the conversation we have:

Me: So I guess I'm out of here

Chris: What? Where are you going?

Me: Home. I have to work tomorrow.

Chris: Well, where is home? What?

Me: Home is in the Valley...(waiting for a better option/INVITE)

Chris: ** gives me a huge hug ** and says "I can't believe I'm getting married tomorrow"

I walk to my car STUNNED. Wondering where I may have missed something...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FAILLLLLLLL!

Moral of the story is this: The Hideout is for MARRIED GUYS that want to bone. I should have known that's the reason why Balthazar Getty and Sienna Miller were hanging out there.

Cell Phone Needs A Breathalyzer

Last night Ms. Stilettos hosted a lovely gathering at her apartment for a few ladies. Complete with Sangria, Ceviche (Which IS allowed on the diet), and chips and guac (Which is NOT allowed but I ate it anyway). She was the hostest with the mostest. I really should have stayed longer so that I could have had some supervision....

On the way home a Jack Johnson* song came on the radio and I suddenly felt the need to call The Situation and serenade his voicemail. I'm pretty sure I was high on sugary sangria and packets of Splenda. Don't do it kids! Speaking of Splenda I also recalled that Emo Boy was going to have to serve some debt to society this weekend and I thought I should call and tell him good luck and that I would be waiting on the outside for him when he got out. Oh and if it came down to it make sure he was the "pitcher" and not the "catcher" so to speak.

Cell phone needs a Breathalyzer.

I then texted The Random that I wanted to cum over because I wanted him in me. Sorry Ringleader. Not so much considering he was working and instead started requesting/demanding I send him dirty pictures. I sent a few** and woke up to texts from him at 2am saying I OWED*** him some nasty morning pix or that I had to come fuck him before I went to work. You know because I have so much extra time in the morning.

In the midst of all that I start getting texts from The Situation that he got my voicemail followed by requests asking what I'm wearing etc. In reality I was wearing a thong laid out on my bed hoping the room wouldn't spin when I looked up. I told him I was in a thong, stilettos, and fish nets. The later just seemed more likely to score me a late night visitor but it didn't. At this point I was having trouble keeping it all straight and was starting to feel like I was going to VOM.... and I did. Rationalizing that I had just expelled all food in my body I proceeded to go downstairs and eat not 1 but 2 SmartOnes quesadillas while watching the 1st half of project runway.

Cell phone needs a Breathalyzer.

*I do NOT like this particular artist however during the time I worked with The Situation every Friday was Jack Johnson day. *Cringe and Shudder*

** Considered sending some of me + some battery operated toys but opted not to. Thank the Sweet baby Jesus I have some functional brain cells. Since A. The Random would be jealous of the toys and B. There is no way I could have taken any even remotely flattering pictures of that.

*** I Owe NO ONE!

Irritating Me Today

1. The man who wagged his finger at me yesterday when I tosses my cig from my car window. Yes, I liter but the only thing worse than the stench from me actually smoking in may car would be me disposing of the cig butts in my car. My apologies in advance to the pigeon who will surely choke on it and die. It's not the first time this has happened either, a few weeks ago a man rolled up next to me at a light and wagged his finger at me for smoking and then signaled what I believe was that he was some sort of heart doctor, smiled, and rolled on. Look bro smoking is way down on the list of things that are going to adversely affect my heart.... Right under my obscene rockstar drinking habit.

2. I'm craving ice cream, a fudgesicle, hell even the evil pink berry. So I text Emo Boy to see if there are any rules against said frosty treats and there are.... Great I'll go find some ice cubes to suck on. His response? "Sprinkle them with some Splenda" How about I just snort a few packets and go from there.

3. Meebo. I've been kicked off approx 3,456,723.97 times today 85% of those times it also decides to freeze my computer for no less than 1.64 minutes. Screw you Meebo we aren't friends for the rest of the day! Sorry to The Ringleader as well since I will not be communicating with you for the remainder of the day via IM. Maybe you should talk to your friend Meebo that YOU introduced me too about it's attitude problem.

4. Sudoku - I LOVE this game I even own 2 electronic versions as well as a board game version. However today I have been so bored out of my mind at work that even the squares are getting to me. Thank God I've been able to alternate between Sudoku and Stuff White People Like.

5. The fact that I just realized I need to shave my underarms.... How does it grow so fast and yet manage to sneak up on me?

6. It's not time to go home yet.

7. Blocked websites at work..... Oh better yet Myspace being down when I try to log on from my blackberry.

8. Whole wheat, whole grain, protein, things that don't include french fries.

9. Batteries going dead in my wireless keyboard. It makes it really hard to type without looking (sounding?) like a complete moron. I'm bad enough with spelling and grammar I don't need anything making it worse. If you are wondering - Yes there are batteries somewhere in the office but I'm far to lazy to actually get up and look for them. Not like it's a battery operated toy going dead or anything THAT serious.

I'm off to the bathroom to rail some Splenda.

Weekending with WTA

Most of you should know by now that the MG's make generalizations about different types of people. We're not racist, we pretty much hate on everyone equally... Three cheers for equality!

For those of you who do not know, in our book, WTA stands for White Trash America.

This weekend Lilo and I are traveling to Laughlin, NV to spend the weekend on the River (or is it the Lake?) with our friends for the lovely Mrs. T & A's 25th birthday. When I think of going to the River or to the Lake, I think of WTA. Every time I have gone to any Lake or River I always see large groups of white boys on boats with cases of Original Coors (in the yellow can). I never see asians, blacks, and very few of my fellow mexicans. I also must note that Lilo has family in Laughlin and the family I have met of hers are card carrying members of WTA. You know, the gun toting, river boating, wakeboarding, sea douing, gambling types that I picture running things out there ;)

And yes, those are my reasons for referring to it as WTA. Me? Ignorant? Yes. Well, sometimes.

We have a glorious weekend planned partying and losing $$ in the casinos, dinner with friends, and a day spent on a houseboat that has A MARGARITA MACHINE! Sounds like fun, right? Except The Ringleader is being a whiny baby who wishes to speak to no one while sitting on the pity pot and is going back and forth about wanting to go. No matter what, I am going. I committed and I don't just back out of weekending when I have made firm plans. My reason for not wanting to go is because I'm having horrible luck with the boys. And because of this, (and my obvious lack of self-confidence) I'm sure that all 25 people (even those married & in a relationship) who we're going with will get hit on and propositioned all weekend by the opposite sex while I am losing and failing on my own. I don't know where this whole thing comes from, I have never been the jealous type but I really am hating on all my friends right now!

I got to thinking about this weekend, and if I fail with WTA crew, I may have to borrow one of their double barrell shotguns (because that is the type of heat they carry) and smack myself over the head repeatedly with it. I just CAN'T ALLOW the fail to continue to reach epic proportions such as these. Come to think of it, I may need to pull out some big guns of my own and ask Lilo if I can borrow her world famous, "Swallow Bitch, Swallow!" Hat:

That hat is sure to pull boys. It's like an advertisement that I swallow and give dome!

Let's take a look at who I think we're dealing with here and how I hope the weekend goes. First of all, we have the drive through the desert to Laughlin. On this trip, I imagine I'll be seeing plenty of trucks with these hanging from their hitch, because how else will we know if we are going the right way?

After we spend Saturday sweating balls in 120 degree heat on the boat, I figure we'll have made some friends like these, you know the good 'ole boys:

Hopefully my brown hair and brown eyes will impress them just as much as any Aryan Nation broad and they'll look forward to spending the evening "courting" me:

And if all goes according to plan, I'll pull me a man and a sweet new ride:

Is this too much to ask for? Am I being unreasonable? I'm pretty sure the WTA is my last hope, and they might not even take me with my mexican background!

I guess I can always just hang out with my friends and not make any attempts at hooking up, is that technically a fail if I don't try?

What do you guys think?

I'm Fine. And You?

Monday morning en route from my car to my office, it's the same thing. Everyone from the building security guard, the valet, and fellow co-workers politely asking me how I am doing or how my weekend was. My response: I'm fine or I'm good, and you?

Lies.

But I really don't need to get into my fail stories of the weekend with everyone, right? It's bad enough having to endure my losses in real time followed by re-living them in e-mails and IM's to my friends when I get into work and we discuss our weekends.

Friday night: Dinner at STK with friends for one of my friends daughters graduation, because she rules at life at the age of 14 and likes to go to the hippest restaurant of the moment in exchange for her academic achievements. Since I'm broke, I opt to get to STK early so that I can find self parking in lieu of spending $10 for valet and having to wait 30 minutes for them to bring my car around and park it right in front of 25 paparazzi making it impossible for me to drive away. So after eating dinner at the table next to Ryan Seacrest, Randy Jackson, and Chelsea Handler we make our way outside and I'm the smart one that parked across the street that will not have to wait to leave. I walk across the street get in my car and realize someone left a $50 present in the form of a parking ticket on my window. OH JOY! Because why pay $10 for valet when you can spend $50 to walk yourself to your car? I FAIL at being a jew.

Saturday: My Volvo needed servicing. Aside from the standard $55 oil change (I know it's a rip off but I have a fancy air filter that costs more $$) it turns out my 2 year old car has a dirty throttle. The dealer keeps cleaning it but somehow my throttle is dirtier than every other S40 that they see.

Saturday night: It's my little brother from another mother's b-day (the only real sibling I have is a sister). I didn't feel like going out but because I love this kid to death and because he has a lot of guy friends I decide it's in my best interest to go and who knows I might meet someone? Everyone was getting together in the Marina/Venice area after pre-partying at his place where he had plenty of booze but no mixers. I have a great hookup for Red Bull and always happen to have at least a case of it in my trunk on the regs so of course I end up mixing that with Grey Goose, I have about 4 of those. Those who know me know that I cannot mix Red Bull with alcohol or I will surely vom but what was I supposed to do? Drink the vodka straight? Don't answer that.

We walk to a couple bars and end up at this place in Venice, The Garter. It was my first time there and was a chill spot and after being there only a few minutes I run into my good friend who works for The London Hotel in West Hollywood. He is there partying with a group of about 50 boys and immediately introduces me to everyone = BONUS! I continue drinking (getting free drinks bought for me) while talking to these two boys all night. They were cute and one in particular was uber engaged in our conversation for hours. I'm actually thinking this is good! Maybe he will ask for my number or will invite me to their afterparty? Then my friend P's dumb girlfriend starts waving the hopes and dreams flag in front of my face and telling me how cute he is and how I Must. Get. His. Number. I don't know why, but my friends like to tell me how they think guys are soooooo interested when they are engaged in a conversation with me, but they need to stop getting me excited about said things.

2am rolls around, I'm standing there with the boy and batting my eyelashes while they are starting to kick people out of the bar. He turns, gives me a hug and says "Nice to meet you." and starts to walk away. Because I'm an asshole and surely he doesn't just want to end the night here, I respond "So, that's it?" - and that was it. He left.

So I went to my friends house and we had our own Olympic event of getting high on hash and kush until 4am when I went home. Went home, passed out and woke up at 7:34am to vom, DAMN YOU RED BULL!!!

Sunday: Ate everything in sight and then went to Lilo's parents and ate everything they had there only to leave there, go to Lilo's and realize she didn't have any cheese so that we could make grilled cheese sandwiches. So we went to the store and this sign was posted outside of Ralph's which has a Downey Savings Bank inside of it. I don't know about you, but I am signing up for Downey Savings STAT! FREE DOME for all? And Choos? I assume they are talking about dome + Jimmy Choos which = creme in my panties.

Then last night the Anchor (Lilo's roomie) tells Lilo that he has a serious potential girlfriend who he is taking to Geoffrey's for date #2 tonight. The Anchor fails on the regs yet even the Anchor is managing to PULL BROADS! I feel like I am being Punk'd, that or I am actually invisible to everyone other than my friends and people who know me.

Tonight I am supposed to go to Wings N' Trivia night with Lilo but all day I have been depressed about failing all weekend. I'm in that why am I even going out and why even bother trying mood. I'm totally discouraged. I just want to go home and dive into my Cal King Tempurpedic mattress with the covers pulled over my head. The slump I am in TOTALLY BLOWS ASS! I feel like the Dodgers pre-Manny Ramirez... But at least I'm not like some Dodger fans and I don't have the hopes and dreams that they are going to make something of themselves this year. According to Matt, I will be getting ass before that happens - DODGERS YOU BETTER FAIL because I need all the time I can get, there is no end to this slump in sight. Matt also said I should go to Wings N' Trivia tonight, he thinks it will make me feel better...I don't know if I am up for it, I'll probably spill beer on a cute boy and get myself thrown out.

Maybe If I Showed Up Like This....

It's time yet again for another episode of Hopes and Dreams starring, you guessed it, THE RANDOM! I'll get to him in a minute but first here is a recap of my weekend. The good, the bad, and the drunk.

Friday night I worked out with Emo Boy after work then raced home to shower and get ready to meet The Ringleader at STK. About 3 blocks away from my house the "check gauges" light comes on in the short bus and low and behold the thermostat is at the red line. So I head back to the house pop the hood and realize that I have in fact cracked the radiator and it is spewing coolant. Nice job Lilo - next time pay a little more attention to things. Since I was now stranded at home I decided the only thing to do would be to change into jammies, drink a bottle of wine, and catch up on my tivo (aka have a pity party for myself). Then I get a text from The Random that he is on location near my house and wants me to come out.... GREAT! He hits me up and I don't have a car and I just want someone to pay some attention to me and tell me it's all going to be alright. Enter Xanax. Which didn't really make it better per se but at least made me settle down enough that I determined it was bedtime. *Cricket Cricket* My blackberry messenger goes off.... Hmmmm.... who could it be? A drunken Emo Boy telling me that he really thinks it would do my body and mind some good if I got a good bang. NO FUCKING SHIT YOU MORON! Seriously what the hell have I been insinuating, hinting at, and outright telling you for weeks?

I wake up at 9am in a haze to my puppy that I had put outside a few hours earlier attacking my face.... and my dad. Yup apparently he came to look at my car, forgot his cell phone and decided to come on in as well as let the puppy in because she looked "sad by herself outside" Thank the sweet baby Jesus I was dressed and alone. So I spent Saturday afternoon running around looking for car parts and luckily was able to obtain them all so Dad could fix it on Sunday.

Since I still didn't have a car Saturday night I had to cab it to a birthday party I was scheduled to make an appearance at, meaning that with no driving responsibilities I was going to get shitty and quickly. That's exactly what I did which ended in me drinking beer in a parking lot of a bowling alley, singing karaoke to "I Touch Myself" AND requesting that someone tape it, bowling barefoot, and ending the night with an $85 cab ride to The Random's house. Excellent decision making on my part. When I finally arrived at The Random's house he was just as drunk as I was and proceeded to take me on the floor of his living room immediately. The floor, the couch, over the ottoman *pause for a naked smoke break* back to the floor, the couch, etc.

We woke up obviously very hung over ordered pizza, had a quickie before the delivery guy arrived and laid around watching the Olympics (Cheating Commie Basties) with me in a thong and his t-shirt. It was like we were weekending... As if that wasn't enough when it came time to take me home he asked "Do you want to take the bike or the car?" Obviously that's not really a question DUH! I want to take the bike but considering my walk of shame attire from the night before included a halter top and wedge heels I wasn't exactly prepared for a Harley ride. What does he do? Goes up to his closet and brings me a pair of his converse to wear and even choose ones that matched my outfit. Yes, people we wear the same size shoe. I have huge feet and he is.... well kind of a midget.

I'm not brand new when it comes to riding but I did my best to make him feel like a man, asking him to make sure my helmet was on correctly, asking him random bike related questions* at stop signs and I think it made his day. I can't lie it pretty much made my day too. We went the long way home which included a windy canyon road aka more reason for me to hang on tightly and when we got to my house he even came in and hung out for a bit.

As soon as he left I had to call The Ringleader to tell her about my night and day in such intricate detail that I'm sure she wanted to VOM through the phone. Not to mention I know she could hear me smiling the non-fake smile the whole hour plus conversation. Yet she still came over yesterday afternoon to listen to me ramble on and on about my day with The Random, make me grilled cheese sandwiches and of course watch back to back episodes of Bridezilla.

* Such as what's the deal with the secret Harley rider SGM? I found myself wanting to throw it up or actually down as they do, but fearing I would be branded as a Fake SGM I refrained. The Random seriously needs to get his act together and take me out on the bike more often so I can be a legit member of the Harley SGM and his girlfriend.

Way to Kill the Mood

In case you didn't already know, I am a HUGE FAN of dirty talk. Dirty talk, dirty texting, shit talking, I love it. Hell, I think I love most things that involve talking and/or running my mouth!

When it comes to sex, it's not enough for you to just beat it up behind closed doors (but, at this point I'll fucking take just that, apply here...) What I need for you to do is tease me or wet the tip, if you will. Basically, I need for you to make me want it. So, SELL IT TO ME. And by IT, I mean YOU and your abilities or your "plans" for the evening. I need to get excited and allow the things you say to work into my mind and allow those thoughts to consume me until I can get you alone and make you prove it.

Without a doubt, every single guy I have had sex with, has happened after at least one conversation that has made it's way to the dirty talk. Most of the time, I am completely uninterested in boys until I hear a few stories of their boning glory. Does this happen to anyone else? You know, when you've known a guy for a while or maybe just met, and you have already put his ass in the friend zone, because you can't see yourself having sex with him? Then all of a sudden the conversation starts getting more and more X-Rated, and you find yourself getting turned on by his stories... It's like, you start to see the person in a whole new light and realize that THIS could be the guy pulling your hair while making you beg for him to tap that ass later on!

Some of the best sex I have ever had was a result of promises from dirty texts, e-mails, and late-night phone conversations. These words are not only a peek into your possible future sexcapades, but it's a way of holding someone to their word. I mean, the last place you want to write checks with your mouth that your ass can't cash is in the bedroom, right? It's kind of a win/win because, If they don't ante up, you get to say something like "I see how it is. You just SAY that you regularly give dome for an hour straight..."

You can bet that after a comment like that, your ass will get picked up and re-positioned for more dome. Because, they need to teach you a lesson.

In my opinion, there aren't too many things you could say that would turn out to be a bad thing, or kill the mood. The possibility that you will get some freaky request is always there, but if it is something you're not into and you shoot it down, it probably won't ever get brought up again. The one phrase that kills all, in my opinion, is one that seems to keep COMING up more often than spelling come with a U.

ONE WORD: VOM! Stop it! STOP SAYING THAT!

It's killing me. As jeebie as that picture of a burger saying it is, is how I feel about it. I mean WHY? It's not like a really sexy phrase that gets you hot and turned on. It makes me feel like you boys are trying to be a little romantic whilst trying to talk dirty and notify us that your penis would like to be inserted into and inside of our lovely vaginas. VOM! The only thing worse than that would be for you to follow it up with saying how you want to bust inside me, blech! Blagh! Noooooo! Not only does it sound weird, "I want to be inside you" but, it lacks creativity.

If you aren't sure what to say, and you have already said "I wanna fuck you" please don't be tempted to say the "inside" comment. Here are a few ideas for you:

#1 Obviously I want to fuck you. But first, I'm going to blindfold you and decide where to start licking you and touching you and for how long. I will be the one to determine that. * You need to be sure to let her know that she has no choice in the matter (as long as she is consenting, obviously).

#2 I'm going to get you off by doing _________, ________, and ________. And once I feel you have had enough THEN maybe, just maybe if you're good, I'll let you have my cock.

#3 Let's say she starts to pull away after she initially and hopefully gets off from your mad dome skills. How about you say something like "Oh, is that all you can take? I thought you looooooovvvved dome!" I mean, you want to make sure she isn't just being polite, right? The only non-bonus to this one is that all girls are going to move away and try to reach for your piece if you suck at dome. So don't say this unless you are absolutely certain that bitches are begging you for dome.

#4 Are you getting tired from being on top? I didn't realize it has "been awhile" or you are "out of practice"...why don't you cum up here and sit on my face while you catch your breath? * note the placement of the U and not the OM *

Now, those are just a few to get you started. Trust that I have lots more ideas stored in my big dome but, I can't tell you all of them or I'd have to charge you $5.99/minute.

What are your favorite ways to ask for sex or talk about it? Do you have any favorite lines that the opposite sex loves?

Share!

The Evolution of Lilo

Sometime in the next week or so will mark the two year anniversary of forcing Lilo to be friends with me meeting Lilo. As I think back to the first time I met Lilo I realize one thing, there has been a serious Evolution of Lilo.

The first night I met Lilo was spent partying at Citywalk. I have a way of adopting phrases and saying them far too often. The night I met Lilo I was on a serious "True Story" kick. Every other thing I said was "True Story" - you would be surprised how many different tones and ways you can say it and have it mean different things. Lilo referred to me as "True Story Girl" all night long and I'm positive I drove her a bit nuts. Luckily, I started rambling about "Never trust a big butt and a smile" aka singing BBD's Poison and forced Lilo to pose in this picture:

That would be me in the brown and that is Lilo's best angle, the butt ;)

I quickly learned that Lilo had a motto, it was (and supposedly still is) "Trust No One". I was obvously surprised to find out she had no friends and would prefer to keep to herself while refraining from making eye contact with people. Even when I would see her at a party, she would walk in the front door and right out the back door to the patio and position herself with a cigarette in hand. You were lucky if she said hello, so what do I do? I cramp her style, impede her space and force her to make conversation AND take pictures:

You see, there were events and parties coming up and I think she knew she would eventually have to make nice with people. At this point, she figured she had dealt with this much and hadn't completely lost her shit so maybe she could do the friend thing, MAYBE.

Next up is our event season, kind of like award season and it kicks off with our friend Haze birthday. This is when I see Lilo in her element, holding clipboards, collecting money, and ordering limo drivers around whenever it is necessary. This is the night we got Stiletto on board the Lilo train, or should I say Lilo on board Stiletto's train? Because Lilo decided to do things like TAKE CARE OF STILETTO and make sure her dress was actually "ON" - it was very friend-like, here they are in the limo all cute and buddy-buddy, right here I saw Lilo lose 2 points of Emo Street Cred:

By now, we're calling Lilo on the phone and her birthday is coming up. Naturally, I call her to find out what she is doing for her b-day to which she says "Uhhh, nothing. I mean I'll prob just drink some beers at home." Well that just doesn't work for the Ringleader, so I tell her I'm broke so I can't take her out but I invite myself over and tell her I'm bringing a 12 pack of Corona. Lilo then informs me that she has a $75 gift card for BJ's Brewery and that she will treat me to some cheerleader beer for her birthday. This was the start of Lilo treating for things, haha! Next thing you know, we're drinking and all these people that she knows start showing up to BJ's for her birthday. She was obviously confused and kept asking me WHY all these people showed up and HOW did they know about it. She secretly loved it, she was even making eye contact with us by then. I also noticed that she had printed out e-mails that I sent to everyone with our Top 10 Lists and posted them on her cork board in her apartment.

After a few more events like Halloween and things, Lilo started to print out pictures of us and put us in frames and collages around her apartment. We had arrived, even if only as temporary/ permanent staples in her house. We each had our own toothbrush, air mattress, and favorite guitar hero guitar. Next up, a group trip to Big Bear for New Years...

This trip took some convincing on my part, Lilo doesn't like people or spending extended time with them. Having never traveled with Lilo, I had no idea of the master preparation involved in a group trip for someone like her. She had spreadsheets to track $$ owed for the house, gas, food, booze, and rooming arrangements. She had demands that were going to need to be agreed upon in order for her to go, such as WHO she would be rooming with and who she would not need to speak to, and who should never look directly at her until she has had her morning diet pepsi. It took convincing but she came and it was gloriously filled with drama.

16 friends/frenemies and 2 dogs, living under one roof in a multi-million dollar mansion. Bottles of champagne to the dome, bonus beer pong, naked jacuzzi time, gray water, and people fighting. Oh yeah, and a brand new default pic for her MySpace and subsequently a new pic for Lilo to hang above her mantle:

Along with forcing her to be friends with people, we would force her to start eating grown up food. I was known for coming over and making super breakfasts w/ custom omelets, fajitas, and a number of other dishes. Lilo really only stuck to about 4 regular items in her diet: plain (meat and cheese only) cheeseburgers, french fries, and bagel with cream cheese. The fact that she was even trying these new things was pretty serious. I mean we weren't poisoning her and she wan't even testing the food first.

The next true test was traveling out of the country with Lilo. She had never been out of the country except for a cruise to Mexico with her family. Being that she rolled the best blunts and has credit and credit cards, she was in for my trip to Jamaica. Little did she know I was going to force her to get in illegitimate taxis (anyone with a car in Jamaica is a cab driver), get her wasted, take her to Hedonism to see the old balls of nudist swingers clapping, and try to talk her into jumping off cliffs after drinking at Rick's Cafe. This is the sort of thing the Lilo we 1st met would NEVER do! You should have seen her when I got in the illegitimate cab. She held onto the door handle and was ready to tuck and roll her ass out of the car and onto the pavement should this cabbie try anything funny! Jamaica was the first place I ever noticed just how many teeth Lilo has. I guess it's because it was the 1st time I ever saw her NOT FAKE SMILE! I don't know that I have photographic evidence of this as, that would KILL her emo game. Come to think of it, I don't even have evidence of the death glare she gives...those are top secret faces.

By this point last year, Lilo had friends. Friends she was willing to travel with, people she called on the phone to hang out (gasp!), friends who even met her FAMILY! She was regularly going out of her way to attend their birthdays in other cities as well as picking up the tabs when people failed to provide correct costs for events.

Quickly, she has become one of the most dependable friends one can have. While she still has her asshole tendencies, she is nice enough to ask you things like" Do you want my opinion or did you just want me to listen?" before going on a tirade about what a fuckin idiot you are for doing X, Y, and Z while hanging out with D,E, and F. She has even managed to limit the pointing and snapping and referring to people as "Dick".

Aside from regularly setting bars in the friendship department (something she swore she would never do since she doesn't do the "friend thing"), she has found her niche within each of our groups of friends. She is always the one to take charge and is a trusted treasurer of funds collected for anything that needs to be handled and paid for.

Just the other day I was informing Lilo of a surprise birthday dinner for one of our friends and how it was going to be small and intimate, aka NOT everyone invited. She actually responded by telling me that there were going to be problems and people were going to be butt hurt if they were not invited and how the best thing to do is even just invite the people that we can stand for 15 minutes, just to save conflict. I mean she ACTUALLY admitted to caring about hurting someone else's feelings! That means she definitely considers people to be her "friends". She is regularly asking me what we have planned for the weekend, who do we need to visit and do PR with, as well as telling me how we need find time to go to restaurant X because she NEEDS to have Pancetta wrapped goat cheese and Lump Crab Cakes.

WHO IS THIS NEW LILO???

She is growing up and turning into a decent human being, who would have thought??

Happy friend-i-versary Lilo!

A Softer Side Of Lilo

I worked out with Emo Boy last night, we have been on hiatus in the training dept due to some personal things he had going on and what not. Yesterday was the 2nd day back after a few weeks off - meaning I spent the last few weeks boozing, eating, and wrecking myself in any and every way possible. Which led to me not being able to do the sprints he was instructing me to do, me getting really frustrated with myself, then not being able to find a puppy to kick and ultimately crying. Yes people tears (not like a blubbering idiot but tears) I refused to look at Emo Boy or say anything for fear I would totally lose my shit and that would have been awesome because who doesn't want to bone an out of shape crybaby? After a few moments of silence he decided we should go back into the gym that way people on the street wouldn't think he was beating me up a la a domestic dispute.

The only bonus about Lilo crying is that it leads to Butthurt Management. Usually in the form of a cheesy glorious dinner or copious amounts of alcohol with The Ringleader.... Not so much anymore. However, The Ringleader did do her best to make things better by baking up some tilapia and rice at her place for me after my workout breakdown last night. I have to admit it was pretty good and def in line with the FitMess plan.

Today I'm still pretty Emo about my whole situation but I'm trying to stay positive.Emo boy is doing his best to keep me off the ledge this morning with cute/inspirational/funny texts. It's a long road to pretty and skinny.

Do It For Our Country

Alternate Title: Men In Uniform Are Hot & I Like To Bone Them.

Remember the movie Grease 2? Where the couple is in the bunker and he is trying to convince her to have sex with him, you know do it for our country? Ya I've been playing it in my head over and over and I'm about to give in. Except for one problem..... I neeeeed a cooooool rider, but that is a post for another day.


I recently have been hanging out with an old high school boyfriend who happens to be in the army but is home now. Nothing serious just a hook up here and there, a few phone calls, texts etc. I also happen to be "friends" with a cousin of his who is a Marine. The Marine and I would hook up at parties occasionally, usually in the front seat of his G-35, the floor of his living room, and even for a few hours at a Super 8. Klassy, I know. I haven't seen or heard from The Marine in a few years and suddenly I get the following myspace message (keep in mind his default was a picture of him and high school ex at the lake):



"So would u ever be up for a visit like old times... or did I just lose my mind and sound retarded to you..lol.. let me know"



Now the two boys have known that they have both hooked up with me in the past, but I've been trying really hard lately to not be such a Dirty Whore. That said I should probably also mention that I do really like and care for the "Sorta high school ex" and he didn't really take it well when he found out I was handling The Business with his cousin.... Oh the moral dilemmas of life.... Making matters worse I just got invited to a mutual friends birthday party Saturday night where one or both may be present, I'm currently having a friend do some research to find out if they were in fact invited and/or planning on coming. More to follow on this later.



In other sex related news - The Situation came over on Sunday for the first time in months and BEAT IT UP. I mean he handled The Business with dome, my toys, the P in the VaGee.... Makes me almost miss him, except for the fact that I seem to have my hands full at the moment. Full of cock that is! Okay sorry that was a bit uncalled for.

Meeting David Weintraub

Or shall I call him "Dave" since we're now homies after meeting last night at STK? Seriously, I've already sent the MySpace friend request, this guy can keep up with me in conversation, and I am impressed.

Who is Dave Weintraub? He is a super agent/manager/producer extraordinaire. Dave has worked with the biggest names in music, has represented A-List TV and Film stars while working for the top talent agency in town, and he produces and stars in his own shows. He is a hustler. Currently, he can be seen on Date My Ex, on Bravo TV vying after Jo De La Rosa's heart. I was originally charmed by D Dub watching him do his thing on the Sons of Hollywood, watching him work and play was pure entertainment. Hmm, think I watch much reality tv? Don't answer that...

A lot of people can't stand Dave, truth be told, he's very easy to hate on when watching him get everything he wants and done his way. This guy has certainly had connections his entire life, it's easy to think things were handed to him and he's just living off the parents, but this kid is self made. I most certainly have a type when it comes to guys and friends/people I like to be around. To sum it up in one word: assholes.

I love the confident, cocky motherfuckers, especially those with a mouth that is running with constant shit talking. It'll charm the pants right off of me, when he speaks it's in that matter of fact tone. He owns it, think Ari Gold/Jeremy Piven from Entourage and that is David Weintraub. My roomie (the hardest working personal trainer in LA) and I watch D.Dub every week on Date My Ex, and at the end of every show I always say "I freaking LOVE him!" Roomie definitely does not understand it, she thinks he's an asshole and aside from that, he doesn't meet her requirements for having a Muscle and Fitness Magazine cover boy physique. To say that I have been dying to meet him and conversate with him would be an understatement. People that run their mouths like him, turn me on. Not everyone has that level of confidence in themselves to speak with such conviction. I'm secretly hoping that he is the type of guy that googles himself (or has an assistant that does it) so he can be told about this post and then decide I'm the type of person that he needs working the front office alongside him. The guy has one of my two dream jobs (the other is being a host of Wild On E!) Hopes and dreams, right?

Last night, the MG's were sitting outside of STK & Coco de Ville, having a post dinner chat before CDV opened. Dave walks up to us and asks "If any of us have a cigarette." ** I have to note that I was pretty intoxicated and in one of those on-point/A-Game buzzes that I am known for. ** Anyways, I pretty much jump up and say "OF COURSE! SHE DOES" as I reach for Lilo's cigs and hand him one. It was pretty much love at first site, for me...and I pretty much told him so. I came right out and said "Duuuude, I LOVE YOU! You are SUCH and ASSHOLE, and I LOVE IT!"

In case you didn't know, the Ringleader is a SMOOOOTHHHH TALKER.

And. He. LOVED IT.

We talked about a variety of things, most of my commentary was pure ego stroking, because that's how I roll. I like to make people I'm with feel special, like they are the coolest mofo's around this town and exuding famousity, obviously because they have been marinating in awesomesauce. THAT kind of ego stroking. Upon introduction, I told D.Dub that I could sum him up in 5 letters or less and then spelled out G-L-O-R-Y. He was obviously impressed and wondering where the MG's got me from, +10 points for the Ringleader.

When we met him, Dave was waiting for a table, because he didn't have a reservation. That was unbelievable to me so of course I said "Don't they know who you are? I mean, BRO! YOU DON'T NEED A RESERVATION!" +10 more points for me.

We also discussed the fact that he bought 5 letters as a gift, in the form of a Louis Vuitton scarf for Jo De La Rosa when they had their first date (which was a helicopter ride around Los Angeles.) I mean, he basically threw that scarf at her, like it was nothing and he let me know that it was, in fact NOTHING. You see, 5 Letters ain't no thang when you're a Weintraub. We talked about his shows as well as his new show, "The Best" with designer Christian Audigier. I definitely can't wait for more!

Even though he is cocky and represents my favorite type of people, Dave was the sweetest and most gracious guy. He chilled out and talked to us for a solid 10 minutes. He engaged us in conversation, wished Stiletto's a happy birthday, and even hoped to see us at Coco de Ville after dinner. I can seriously say that I am an even bigger fan of Dave Weintraub than I ever was before. Although he could be considered a celebrity, I respect the fact that this man is a bonafide hustler. He's has perfected the art of working people and the media, all while remaining a true professional. People like Dave are the type I would love to learn more from.

Dave, are you looking for a female protege? The hell with "I Wanna Work for Diddy" - I'd much rather be an apprentice for D.Dub! ;)

Because MG's Are Carnivores

Seriously. We. Love. Meat. Filet Mignon? You don't know what to do with it? Send it --->HERE. And for me, I'll take mine swimming in saucy glory! I'm a saucy gal therefore I like when they make it almost soup-like. When I go to Ruth's Chris, I request EXTRA EXTRA GARLIC BUTTER, I want my see my filet looking like the chunks of tofu floating around in miso soup. Tonight, my sauce of choice will be the BLUE CHEESE BUTTER. It's not enough to just have the red meat, I need to BE SURE that all pathways to my heart are clogged with cheese and butter.

Obviously, I have already decided on what I'm having...

Oh ya, this is STILETTO's Birthday dinner! So, she was in a terrible mood before she left for Costa Rica...in general she did NOT want to celebrate her 26th birthday. This is where Lilo and I come in with this awesome new thing restaurants have these days, RESERVATIONS! Hey Sam! Restaurants take RESERVATIONS for birthdays and even NON-SPECIAL OCCASSIONS, haha - sore subject, KIDDING! Lilo and I talked about what we could do to make Stiletto smile or want to celebrate and have fun for her birthday. You know, aside from sending her naked photos and flashing a boob via MMS message? LiloWe decided that we needed to take her out for a Mean Girls' night on the town, dinner at the hottest restaurant of the moment, followed by drinking in a fab lounge. There is no way we're going to go out for everyone else's birthdays and NOT do something special for her, EVEN if she decides she wants to boycott the birthday and enter into a standoff with her friends!

This morning en route to work, Lilo and I planned our attack on STK, because when we eat we just might attack and have been known to stab people with our forks for coming near our plate, but I digress. Lilo gets to work much earlier than I do and she already had the website opened for our morning commute talk. All we could confirm was the fact that beef would be eaten and aside from that Lilo was very specific about needing to have parmesean truffle fries. She needs them because she HAS to hold onto part of what she knows which is french fries...they come in the box and are usually NEXT to the toy! We're going to secretly applaud her on the fact that TRUFFLES are a part of that dish, as in FUNGI! Lilo eats FUNGI flavored things but, shhhhhh keep it on the DL I don't want to ruin her street cred or make her feel like she is selling out by eating those. Knowing her, she would ask the nice folks at STK to make her fries SANS truffles, just to be safe. Truffles may be poisonous or she might need to call Emo Boy for a quick block dance post truffle consumption.

By the time I get to work I'm involved in IM's with both Lilo and Stilettos, who have also been IM'ing with one another re: dinner. I am quickly brought up to speed and informed that Stiletto's "does not want to fuck around with a 6 oz steak and that the parm fries are mandatory." Well that is all I needed to hear, that means that we are EATING. Not just looking pretty and skinny. That = 10 oz steaks all around and POSSIBLY leftovers to eat tomorrow (not leftovers to bring home to Sam who did not have a reservation) Ok sorry, I'm being an asshole again.

Onto the wine, what will we be drinking tonight? Shiraz/Syrah or a nice Pinot Noir? I perused the wine list and started googling some of the $40-$60 bottles of wine to see if I could get a good idea of what they would taste like, you know because I understand things like tannins, acids, and minerality. I was thinking Lilo might be interested in hearing about them and this was her response:

[14:46] Ringleader: people seem to like this one wine... im doing research.

[14:50] RL: i mean so far people seem to like everything

[14:50]Lilo: look stop acting like we have sophisticated wine palates

[14:50] Lilo: cheap and easy

[14:50] Lilo: with the highest alcohol content. we'll choke it down. wine will not go to waste

[14:51] RL: lol i know. Stiletto has a $20 off coupon for tonight too. woo hoo!

[14:52] Lilo: coupons at dinner = KLASSY

[14:52] Lilo: Stiletto and I are wondering if there is a cork fee on a twist off

[14:53] RL: i mean i would be embarrassed to have them open something like that

[14:53] Lilo: with a coupon

[14:53] RL: they pull out the corkscrew and we go "there is no need for that"

[14:55] Lilo: ask the waiter to chill my jug

Note to self, don't discuss wine options with Lilo or Stiletto's unless I have an answer to "what is going to get us drunker?"

I'm hungry. Too hungry to even get into the fact that Brody Jenner MIGHT be at Coco de Ville tonight since his BFF, Frankie promotes on Tuesdays. It obviously goes without saying that I would do whatever it takes to squeal my way into his ride and back to his place for some of that Jenner beef. Ok, I know. VOM!

More Black Nailpolish & Guyliner

I found myself at Emo Boy's house again on Friday night with hopes and dreams of "closing the deal" if you know what I'm saying... Instead we ended up falling asleep on the couch together. Which is kind of cute, I guess. Anyhow Saturday he hit me up again to see if I could obtain a few things for him which resulted in The Ringleader and I on a never ending tour of the Los Angeles area. The only bonus being a stop at The Hat, for some of the most glorious life saving Pastrami sandwiches and chili cheese fries ever!

Once I secured all the "goods" I let Emo Boy know to which he responded with the following texts:

"I will eat you vagina for 30 minutes"*

AND

"I think we need to go on a vicious hike tonight so I can do you in the mountains like wild animals

When we finally returned from our mission I dropped of Ms. Gimppie aka Ms. Daisy aka The Ringleader at her place, went home to change, and then straight to Emo Boy's house. Obviously.

Upon my arrival Emo Boy and I proceeded to ingest what may or may not have been a mind altering fungi and headed out on a walk to the local park. Went on the swings and he pushed me around the merry-go-round. Did I mention I'm in the fifth grade because then I slipped him a note that said "Do you like me? Check yes or no" Well I would have written the note but I was worried the crayon would have melted all over the paper and that would have been bad. After our park adventure we went back to the house and crawled into bed but only after he loaned me some jammies *Awww*. We stayed up until 4am staring at the ceiling, cuddling, giggling, and getting hand massages (I got the hand massages and chest massages too for that matter... he has great hands). No boning, although once again it was probably for the best considering things kept melting.

We need to handle the business soon though, the anticipation is killing me. I think it makes it worse that we have hooked up before, I know it is good and therefore I know what I'm missing out on.

A quick look at the week ahead -

Tuesday - Mean Girl Dinner Night at STK

Wednesday - The Traveling Pants 2 comes out. At least that is what I'm being told because I like so wouldn't be caught dead seeing that movie. Lame-o! *cough cough*

Friday - The Ringleader and I are going to Nature Lake aka Convict Lake for the weekend. We are taking Spidey and I am SOOOOO excited. BTW Ringleader - ARE WE THERE YET?!?!?

*"Vagina" I know it's a little VOM I havent had a chance to discuss proper word usage with him as it relates to DOME.

Setting Bars & Hitting Poles

Yesterday I had to leave work early to take The Ringleader to the Doctor. It was one of those "life or death emergencies"....you know... A SPRAINED ANKLE. I can honestly say I am sooo glad I am not a parent. The sitting in the waiting room pacing waiting for the news "Was she going to make it or not and if she didn't would I get first dibs on her handbags? How would I get a hold of Stilettos in the jungle?" The agony was killing me, that it is until I started getting messages from her cell phone that she could see me in the security cameras and thought it was odd that I had crossed and uncrossed my legs 45 times in the last 2 minutes. I guess that's a negative on the handbags.

I felt like we got JOO'd and by we I mostly mean The Ringleader. No pain pills, no crutches, no wheel chair! Just a Kankle to show for all this effort. WTF Doc? Anyhow since we didn't score any meds it was time to self-medicate with Martinis and free appetizers to kill time until our Sushi spot opened up. So we choose to hit up a local spot known for its "older crowd" lets just sat we were the only operational vaginae (did you know that is the plural of vagina? Me either - thanks spell check) in the entire establishment. Fearing early onset of menopause we killed our drinks and continued on our train wreck of a night to Sushi where we did our first Oyster Shooters and they were actually good. *

After leaving Sushi we decided it would ultimately be a glorious idea to hit up my EMO Boy/Trainer for the 3rd time this week and head over to his house yet again for a session.**

EMO boy was having a really bad day and it soon became apparent that his procedure for self-medicating involved hallucinogens.

EMO Boy +3

Mean Girls +.5

After witnessing what he referred to as "Block Dancing"*** which was basically him making circles around his complex humming and dancing and when I say dancing it was more like him running around with his arms up as if he were playing airplane. We decided it was time to go. Hmmm... I wonder if maybe it was such a good time to set up additional training sessions for next week with him....??

Good times on a Thursday night.

*We were obviously faded to even be considering throwing down the warm salty concoction on the advice of a couple 4 times our age but hey that's what happens a Sushi bar. You make friends with elderly couples and they talk you into things.

**This would be after I hit the pole supporting the car port-ish thing I park under at my condo. I do not wish to be spoken to regarding said incident as I'm operating on the delusion that when I leave work today the green colored dent on the front bumper will have mysteriously disappeared.

*** Block dancing is also known as "A VERY SERIOUS MISSION" at least that is what EMO Boy told The Ringleader as he walked out the front door...