One of Those Things I Don't Understand

I had a service appointment at my Volvo Dealership for them to "check" my brakes and at most, replace my brake pads. For the past two weeks I have noticed a funny noise coming from the rear passenger side of my S40. It's not a constant noise, I am regularly stepping on the brakes and 85% of the time I don't hear a peep, NOTHING! So I see my regular service advisor, Bill and let him know what needs to be done. I get my estimate of $45 to "check it out" and sit down while enjoying a cup of coffee at 7:45am.

After about 30 minutes, Bill comes back to tell me that apparently it is my back brakes (like I told him) and that "apparently, I got into the rotors." Now, I have "gotten into the rotors" before on the previous car I owned and it made a VERY distinct sound, the sound of METAL ON METAL along with the unmistakable GRINDING of my brakes whenever I even tapped on those bastards! I tell him that can't be as there wasn't even any WARNING of this. Every car I have owned would LET ME KNOW via a noise, brake light, SOMETHING! How could this be? Well he told me it just WAS and that it was going to cost me a whopping $466 to replace the brake pads and re-something the rotors. Oh yeah and then he told me that this was a pretty big service and wouldn't be finished until after lunchtime. He offered a shuttle service to take me home. Well, THAT DOESN'T HELP WHEN I NEED TO BE AT WORK EARNING $ SINCE YOU ARE TAKING $466 FROM ME!

On top of that, I had to PAY to rent a car so that I could get to work and put in a full day. I am now driving a four-door full size Ford Taurus that I can barely freaking drive because it's a Goddamn BOAT and NOT a car!

The whole day I sat around feeling sorry for myself. I wish I knew SOMETHING about cars, ANYTHING! My Granddad used to live here and he used to handle things like taking my car in for service and repairs because he does things like speak mechanic whereas I am only fluent in things like ENGLISH, eating, shopping, etc. It just sucks. I mean what could I really do? I can't dispute the claims made by my dealership, they have always fixed my car in the past and it looks pretty and runs well. I just feel like the wool could be pulled over my eyes and I wouldn't know the difference. It's such a helpless feeling and I hate it.

I guess I don't really care enough to learn to speak mechanic. I mean why bother when I can complain and feel sorry for myself over lame things like this.

I Really Have NO Self Control

My impending trip to Europe has got me thinking of all the things I NEED for the trip - you know like new outfits, shoes, warm clothes and things that don't scream I AM AN AMERICAN PLEASE TALK TO ME ABOUT POLITICS AND YES OF COUSE I OBVIOUSLY VOTED FOR GEORGE BUSH (which I did NOT). So yes, I do want to fit in while looking fashionable and not have a bullseye on my forehead that says I'm a tourist. I hate being a tourist because I hate tourists, I make fun of them and call them tortoises and I just know people make fun of me so I'm going to try my best to blend in when in the English speaking countries.

For those of you who don't know, the hardest working trainer in Los Angeles (my Roomie) has worked for Bloomingdales for something like 12 years. The past 3-4 years have been something called "contingent" meaning she only works during sales or holidays when they need the extra help. The reason she does this is so that she can keep her ridiculous discount at the store which ends up being almost 50% during sales and double discounts. I informed Roomie that I would need to know when the next double discount is because I needed to look into new fall clothes that would work in cold weather, new jeans that I could wear with flats, and new boots to walk around Europe in so my feet don't get wet should it rain in Paris.

Remember how I was on this financial diet so that I could afford Europe? Well it turns out that 8 days in Europe is costing Lilo and I a grand total of $789.50 PER PERSON. I did say that I am Travel Agent Extraordinaire, right? I handled some serious business and nickel and dimed our 4 star trip, called EURO MESS '08 down to chump change in this economy. All we need to do is come up with spending cash on top of of the $789 price tag. So although I am on a financial diet, I felt as though I could afford to look fab while traveling because the pictures are going to need to flaunt how fab we look and how much more FUN my life is than my frenemies on Facebook and MySpace.

Enter double discount day at Bloomie's. We're in the shoe department and find out that we will be getting Roomie's employee discount which is 30% off taken at the register, followed by 20% off of that price (deducted on her charge card statement), followed by an ADDITIONAL 20% off if we purchase "work appropriate shoes" which = black shoes. OMFG you have to be kidding me! So I ended up getting these Guess knee high leather boots which are not flats that will be comfortable in Europe but WHO CARES ABOUT COMFORT? I needed them and with Roomie's discount I saved over $100 on them, SOLD! Then my roomie decides to buy these FAB L.A.M.B. shoes, the salesman totally talked her into them and they are SO HOT! With her discount it made the whole price thing perfectly acceptable. THEN this salesman proceeds to tell us both that IF WE PURCHASE ONE MORE PAIR OF SHOES WE WILL SAVE AN ADDITIONAL 20% OFF.

Talk about offering an addict a bottle of Jack and a kilo of cocaine. HOW COULD WE I SAY NO? I thought about it and there was this pair of L.A.M.B. shoes I saw the moment we walked in, I picked them up and nearly passed out at their $430 price tag, EVEN with the discount. But when I realized I would be getting 30%, 20%, 20% AND an additional 20% off I had that salesman bring me the shoes to try on. And they fit famously and looked fab on. All in all these shoes ended up costing under $200. They are REALLY trendy though. What do you think? Are these keepers or did I go overboard on a discount happy high? Do we think I will be able to pair them with many different outfits, skirts, and dresses?

Lilo, I don't need your opinion on the shoes as I know you HATE ankle high booties with a bleeding passion (however she is OK with skinny jeans that make me look like an EMO kid).

Aside from my obvious shoe problem I managed to buy a GREAT pair of True Religion straight leg/skinny jeans that I am TOTALLY going to get hemmed so that I can wear them with flats. Ladies, do any of you have jeans you can actually wear with comfortable shoes? I always alter my jeans to go with heels/boots and therefore cannot wear them with anything else that is comfortable. I'm really trying to get prepared for Euro Mess '08 the best way I know how...and that starts with looking fab. I mean did you SEE what people were wearing in Paris when watching "The Devil Wears Prada?" I can't exactly walk into Christian Louboutin in Paris looking like a slob.

All I Need To Know I Learned In A Tattoo Shop.

Yesterday I left work at 11:30am... And it was NOT to do anything glorious like sleep, eat, drink, or go to the beach, it was to take Emo boy to have some work done on his tattoo. It started Monday night with texts at 12:45 am asking me for "A very big favor... HUGE favor" being that I'm uber lame and like Emo boy in all his guyliner glory I agreed and managed to get myself the afternoon off. The thing is that he wouldn't tell me where the tattoo studio was and kept evading the question.... and for good reason. It was in The 909!!! The 909 is a solid 1 - 1.5 hours from where Emo boy and I live not counting the 35 minutes it took me to get from my office to Emo boys house. I'm use to driving to hell holes for boys - The Random lives in The 661 but this place took the prize. It was so horrible that the studio owner felt that he should walk me to the liquor store that was literally right next door to the building we were in. While on our short walk he informed me that his studio was in the "Asshole of the worst part of the 909" but not to be concerned because there was a police station directly across the street. Oh and he also noted that while he did live in the 909 he lived in MUCH NICER part.

I then spent the next 4 hours of my day listening to the incessant buzzing of the tattoo needle which I'm pretty sure I can still hear or "here" if you're The Random. During this time I did manage to write a paper, watch a movie, stare at Emo boy in nothing but his rolled up Alfani boxer briefs (and a headband... don't ask), as well as pick up some valuable life lessons from various tattoo artists that wandered into the studio, these lessons include the following:

1. If you are a guy, having a tattoo portrait of another guy on your body is gay. EXCEPT if the portrait is of a man of a different ethnicity or of a man who makes $30 million + a year.

2. Dudes in wheelchairs can still bone. Many guys master masturbation before they re-master the use of a fork. (Post traumatic spinal injury according to the movie Murderball)

3. If your friend has to have a testicle removed after a bad "moshing incident" it's ok to laugh as long as it's the left one being removed because the right one does all the work anyway.

4. There are mainly 2 types of strippers in the 909 - Fat chicks and Tweaker chicks - there was no definitive answer as to which was better.

5. In a scientific poll being conducted by Emo boy's Tattoo artist when asked if one would prefer a "bottomless" party or a "topless" party the poll seems to be split 50/50 amongst women. Also noted was that answers do not seem to be dependent on body type.

Needless to say I was more than ready to go when they finally wrapped up the session. Emo boy did take me to dinner at a place that did NOT fit in with the diet plan that he has given me but said that he would look the other way. Which was real nice of him considering it was 8pm before we ate and all I had eaten all day was 1 piece of wholewheat toast with peanut butter and a grab bag of baked lays potato chips.

In case you are all wondering this is the tat in progress.... It's a little creepy and will eventually span from his thigh (seen here) all the way up his torso and down his arm.

I should probably mention that aside from living in the 661 aka HELL The Random

also has tats he has a full sleeve and a partial sleeve on the other arm. I think it's safe to say my taste in men is right in line with my WTA life.

Attaque d'inquiétude

That would be French for ANXIETY ATTACK, which is what I feel coming with this impending trip to Europe. First off I have to say that I am sooo lucky to have a friend like The Ringleader who is able to offer me these opportunities of a life time that I would never have on my own. I've flown Business class, twisted off champagne, learned the joy of warm nuts, and stayed in awesome hotels for a fraction of the price regular people would pay. All while still in the relative safety of the Western hemisphere. Until now.....

I do admit that when The Ringleader called to brief me on our impending travels that I was less than thrilled with her choice of destination mostly because there was no beach and/or tropical climate. However, she did ultimately sell me on it with promises of First class flights with electronic button controlled seats, glorious pastries, and stamps for my passport. After some thinking I started to realize that this was going to be a COSTLY trip one for which my checking account was unprepared to handle especially considering that I KNOW how The Ringleader rolls and it's NOT budget. After a few lengthy phone calls and IM sessions we agreed that we would try to make this is as economical as possible while still avoiding hostels with shared bathrooms. I have been SO impressed The Ringleaders JOO status is at an all time high and yet she is still managing to get us phenomenal rates and 4 star locations in Europe such as The Renaissance Hotel in Amsterdam and Paris. With all these bonus perks one would think that I would feel assured and at ease heading across the pond with a seasoned Travel Agent. Not. So. Much. Allow me breakdown all of my fears, insecurities, and problems with our trip by destination. Just a warning - This post could venture into novel status and may include sweeping generalizations about countries, people, and culture that may or may not be true and may or may not be in line with my co-contributors beliefs, thoughts, and attitudes.

THE FLIGHT TO AND FROM AND IN BETWEEN:

Hours of being confined to a seat in which I can NOT smoke. I'm considering patches and gum or both. This will only be made worse by the face that we will be taking free bottles of twist off champagne to the Dome the whole flight. I also worry about sitting next to The Ringleader as she has been known to have catastrophic freak outs on long flights even in First Class. We are also taking an Easy Jet flight from London to Amsterdam (for a mere $50 - why can't I go to Vegas for that when I can country jump in Europe?) from what I understand Easy Jet has bag restrictions.... restrictions that I don't yet know about and could probably find out about it if I would just put some time in on their website. In the mean time I'll just pray I can learn how to pack light between now and then.

LONDON:

This stop on the trip probably concerns me the least, if only for the fact that they speak English. The Ringleader has also been there a few times so I feel a little better about her navigation skills in this region. The problem is that is F'ing expensive! The Ringleader keeps informing me that things are more expensive because of the VAT or The Value Added Tax of like 17% ok how much value are the Limies adding to anything that's worth me paying an additional 17%? I guess I'll find out when I get there. The Ringleader also informed that we just wouldn't drink in London - Riiiigghhtt I'm still working on another plan to avoid paying $22 for a Kettle and Seven with 1 ice cube. In general I have very few tourist stops that I'm demanding on this trip but I want to go to the Tower of London so that I can see ghosts. Oh and we have a mission to hunt down Amy Winehouse and smoke some cra... uh I mean have a beer with her.

AMSTERDAM:

Mostly I'm worried about The Ringleaders incessant "I told you so..." seeing as how she tried to convince me that I was capable of flying into Amsterdam and making it to the hotel on my own over a year ago when she was planning a trip that fell through. While I know that these people speak Dutch I've heard from many sources that they are generally a friendly English speaking group aside from being known as The "Freaky Deaky Dutch". Then there are the Coffee shops and I do love me some coffee but I worry about the quality and what if I get real faded and venture into things more than coffee and fall into a dirty canal and drown? The Red Light District is also on my list of places to hit, hopefully I won't find my new home there as I feel like I might fit in too well. The Ringleader has also been to the "Dam" before and in fact admitted that she woke up there crying because the food was so bad.... This is NOT good for Lilo who vacations for very few reasons other than to EAT and DRINK. Luckily we will be in the home country of Heineken.... WHEW! The other potential bonus is that I've been told of these magical machines that vend warm french fries I intend to seek out these machines and demand that they grant me the magically delicious treat of potato orgin. Which I will NOT (Ringleader pay attention here) WILL NOT BE DIPPING OR SWIRLING IN THE HORRIFIC SUBSTANCE KNOWN AS MAYO! Gross and VOM!

PARIS:

The Ringleaders JOO skills were really at work getting us from Amsterdam to Paris on the Euro rail. She managed to snag us seats in First class on the train for a mere $42 a person. First class on a Red Train to land of Red Soles. Being that The Ringleader has decided that we NEED to go into the Christian Louboutin store as well as the Louis store, so her Louis can be "at home" while we are in Paree. I know if I don't fit in while Paris I can def purchase some Red Soles and Louis and I will be flying under the radar. Or that's what my rationale is going to be when I get drunk and throw down the credit card on those items. This all assuming that I haven't had a melt down by this time and called my Mommy crying to fly me home. First and foremost I nor The Ringleader speak French, except for The Ringleader asking people if they want to bone her. Good luck with that Ringleader I mean do you even know what to expect when a Frenchman drops Trou? There could be ALOT you don't know about foreign men....I'm just saying. That's if we can even pull a Frenchman considering the French aren't exactly known for their fondness of Americans. Stops in Paris will include the Eiffel Tower, the Arc de Triomphe, the Catacombs - so I can see more ghosts, and we are most def checking out the Lingerie on the Riviera. The French are pretty Freaky Deaky too from what I hear. Obviously the only thing I knew about Paris was that they have a Tower and a lot of important Art, so I turned to the Internet and googled "Paris for Dummies" and there is a book with that exact title. After checking out the excerpts online I have decided I will purchase this book and it will become my bible. The book comes complete with basic French phrases, places to see, things to eat, and general tips. Speaking of things to eat it just so happens that we will be in Paris during Truffle season. Yes, those nasty lil fungi have their own season and that makes The Ringleaders day. Me, I'm more into all things puffy and baked i.e. croissants, baguettes, souffles and WINE (which is neither puffy nor baked). One of things I'm most looking forward to in Paris is of course riding on the METROOOOO mostly because I will have memorized all the lyrics to the Berlin song and be able to pay The Ringleader back for her "I told you soo...." nonsense in Amsterdam.

We leave in just over a month which leaves me plenty of time to come up with more ridiculous worries from what I'm going to wear to what if I get separated from The Ringleader.... because as we all know SEPARATION LEADS TO CERTAIN DEATH WHEN TRAVELING ABROAD. That is if she chooses to still take me along after reading this post....

True Story

I AM THE TRAVEL AGENT

I can read minds. Of course I still have the reservation you booked six years ago but never paid for....I've just been waiting for you because...

I am the travel agent.

It's no problem to get you seven connecting, non smoking, riverside suites with two king beds in each, 4 rollaways, and yes we'd be happy to install a wet bar. I know it's my fault the hotel does not have a helicopter landing pad but I'd be happy to get up on the roof and wave y'all in because.....

I am the travel agent.

Of course I can speak all languages; and, yes it was obvious to me when you booked your flight for Friday that you really meant Saturday because...

I am the travel agent.

And I absolutely understand that Acme Widget, Inc. is a vast empire that will make or break my agency. And yes I am lying when I say that the $100 flight for tomorrow is sold out. Of course it's not a problem for me to quickly build several more 747's. And yes, it's my fault that everyone else wants to fly tomorrow too because I establish all national holidays and I should have known you were coming in because.....

I am the travel agent.

And no, I have no problem checking every flight to Paris between now and the end of the year for the $200 fare while answering 12 incoming phone calls, putting together 86 tickets and trying to figure out just why Holland America won't give you a refund even though you declined the insurance. I always know which airline serves the best vegan meal and I know exactly what you should see and do in every city in fifteen minutes without spending a dime because....

I am the travel agent.

Did you say you wanted a window seat? No problem. Wait, a window seat where? On the side of the plane where the sun will NOT shine through the window while you're sleeping...Why bother using the window shade?

I take personal blame for all airline delays, traffic jams, rental car flat tires, bad weather, lost luggage and the national economy.

I realize you meant to book your reservation at the Hilton because people always confuse it with the Galaxy Delight Motor Inn. And of course I can give you the AAA rate even though you're only a member of AA because...

I am the travel agent.

And finally, I pledge to smile, empathize, console, up sell, perform, sing, dance, fix the printer and know exactly where Oppossum Trot Lane is because....

I am the travel agent.

Upcoming Travel and My Financial Diet

I have the travel bug in a MAYJAH way! When I don't have an upcoming trip or vacation on the horizon I feel as though I have nothing to look forward to and I get bummed out. I suppose if I had a boy to occupy my thoughts and time, I would be OK without traveling for one month, but alas that is not the case. I began looking into possible trips to places like The Maldives, St. Barth, The French Riviera, The Amalfi Coast in Italy, Argentina, and Brazil. Once those didn't pan out the way I liked, and by that I mean flying coach... which I don't do internationally. I'm spoiled and jaded, what can I say?

Then randomly, I had a dream that me and a bunch of friends went to Paris and in that dream we had the most amazing time! It was all very vivid and when I woke up I felt like I had really been in France the night before and I liked it! I have to admit that Paris has not been at the top of my list of places to visit but after that dream I felt like it was a sign and that I needed to go there. So I went to work and miraculously found flights available in business class flying to London and coming back from Paris. NEXT MONTH. I'M GOING TO EUROPE!

F*ck! Europe is EXPENSIVE! Like really, really, ridiculously EXPENSIVE! So I call Lilo and tell her how we're going to Europe and it's going to be really great because I had a dream about it, I have free tickets, and she has an Amex. Lilo's first response "I mean, isn't it going to be like cold in October?"

Leave it to Lilo to first mention the fact that the weather was not what she had in mind for vacation as opposed to YES! I'VE NEVER BEEN TO EUROPE and OMG IN BUSINESS CLASS?!?!?! Then to finally agree to go because "She needs the stamps in her passport."

Neither one of us really have the $$ to be gallivanting around Europe, especially considering the weakness of the dollar, but this is one of those you're "IN" or "OUT" things that you just have to make happen. Both of us being "IN" means it's time to go on an IMMEDIATE financial diet. Meaning: NO EATING OUT. Bringing our lunch to work and making/eating dinner at home. No outside entertainment or going anywhere other than places we have previously committed to. Previous commitments include things like a 30th birthday dinner, wine tasting in Santa Barbara for Lilo's 24th birthday, and a baseball game. All events that are going to cost a good amount of money which means we need to J-O-O our way through Europe...something I have never done before.

I REALLY want to go to Europe, so I got real serious about my new financial diet and hit the grocery store last night. I bought breakfasts, lunches, and dinners for the next 1-2 weeks. I woke up early this morning to eat breakfast at home and prepare my lunch to bring with me to work. I grilled some veggies, sandwich bagged some pita bread, grilled chicken breast, avocado, and a salad with dressing. I even packed a snack! I put everything in a bag and made my way to work excited about spending NO MONEY on food items today, go me! Everything was great until I put my food in the fridge and realized that I LEFT THE F-ING CHICKEN BREAST AT HOME IN THE FRIDGE. How in the hell I managed to grab every other sandwich bag BUT the goddamn chicken is beyond me. In about 5 seconds I went from being super stoked about my financial victory to being so pissed that I left the MEAT out of my lunch! I don't know what it is but forgetting stupid little things really pisses me off. It pisses me off more than if I left my whole damn lunch at home!

Of course everyone in my offices hears me cursing, complaining, and taking it out on the keys on my keyboard and starts telling me that it's "No big deal. You can buy chicken breast from the cafe in the building." Yeah well DUH! I know I can BUY chicken breast but that was NOT THE POINT because I already BOUGHT chicken and it's at HOME. I had everything BUT the chicken and I'll be damned if I'm going to spend FIVE dollars for a little bit of tasteless chicken from my building cafe. So, I decided to make myself a veggie stuffed pita and side salad using everything I brought to work. Thank God I decided to bring an entire half of an avocado for my pita because the fat content allowed me to hold my shit together and feel like I actually ate something of substance.

Day 1 and my financial diet is trying to turn me into a vegetarian.

Anyone have any suggestions on living like a cheap bastard aside from stocking up on Ramen?

Mom Always Told Me To Pick Up My Toys

Last night I made a healthy dinner for myself and The Ringleader and it actually tasted pretty good. Gold star for me! After dinner we settled in on the couch with a few bottles of wine to watch 90210. (Seriously how bad is the acting on that show? Naomi's crying... COME ON!!!) In the mean time my Roomie came home and went upstairs to his room about 1/2 way through 90210 he shouted down to me to ask if he could put Spidey's crate back in my room. (It was in his room from Saturday night when I got to wasted to come home and he had to be the "responsible parent" stand in) I did a quick mental once over of my room and thinking it was pretty clean gave him the OK.

Well.... it wasn't so clean. When I finally stumbled up to bed I opened my door to see my bright blue vibrator laying right in the middle of my bed not even partially covered. I can't imagine that he did not see it but I'll probably never know considering he would rather die than EVER speak of such things. As soon as I saw it I called The Ringleader laughing and told her the story to which she replied "Would he even know what it was?" Again something I will never know.

This Will Go Down On Your PERMANENT Record

If being a mess is something you find spectacular, you will find this post to be messtacular. Even though I think that this post is a bit of an eye-opener for yours truly; it's pretty funny and I can help but laugh even though it's a serious situation.

I spent the weekend with Stiletto's in Newport beach, house sitting for her mom. We had planned to be Marissa Cooper and Summer Roberts of "The OC" and spend the weekend living a life of leisure, laying out, drinking, and relaxing but it didn't exactly go according to plan...for me anyways.

I must have really thought I needed to unwind because the moment I got down there we started drinking. We killed about 2 bottles of wine and a can each of Sofia Coppola Blanc de Blanc ...which are like CANS of champagne, real Klassy and REALLY good. It's safe to say we had a nice buzz going. So we decided to go out -- but only after Stiletto's paraded around her mom's place wearing her moms Tadashi wedding dress that has yet to be worn down the aisle.

I digress, but that shows you where the night was headed.

We wanted to stay close to home, so we went to Tentation. On my way into the Ultra Lounge, my heel got stuck in a crack in the pavement and I came crashing down on my knees. Everyone standing outside of the lounge saw this and laughed, I laughed too because it's funny when drunk people fall. What is not funny is how f'd up my knees still looked as of yesterday.

We killed two Grey Goose & Club Soda's each and danced for about an hour. Met a really hot 6"5 basketball player and attempted to take his picture about 5 times only to never get a full shot of his face, see here and here. I was incapable of even taking a photo, among other things. At this point, I decided I needed to remove myself from public and go find a cigarette from someone who actually smokes. I think I told Stiletto I was leaving, who knows. By the time I got outside, I thought I was waiting for Stiletto and forgot all about the cigarette, when she didn't come after 2-5 minutes I went to wait in the car.

I needed to pee, badly. I didn't want to go back inside the club. What to do? Cop a squat, like ALL KLASSY BROADS LADIES DO every now and again when you HAVE TO GO. Since this sort of thing happens every now and then, I happen to have things like napkins/tissue on hand. My car was parked behind a bank and it seemed like a unsuspecting location for this type of action, so I proceeded to squat and pee outside of my car.

Just as I was finishing up, the cops pull into the same parking lot. Right. Behind. Me. They catch me finishing the act...EEEEKKK! It's embarrassing when ANYONE catches you peeing and for it to be the police, that is something I could not comprehend! So I jump inside my car and throw my keys, because I'm smart enough to not be contemplating driving and know that no one needs to be confused with that and start talking DUI here. So I ducked down in my car, because obviously they didn't see me go from squatting/peeing, to jumping into my car which has no tinted windows. And about 1 second later I had a flashlight in my face and there was a police officer asking me to "step outside the vehicle..."

There were a lot of questions like who's car is this? Where is your purse? Who are you with? To which I answered "I don't know. I don't know. And I don't know where she is BUT I'm not from around here."

That pleased them, because then they came back with the smart ass comment "Oh, you're not from around here, eh? So does that mean you usually just go around LA urinating wherever you please and it's all OK in LA?"

Fuck.

I started trying to reason with them and tell them how I had to pee, I was sorry and that even more than being sorry for peeing in public, I was sorry for wasting their time. I was telling them how they are probably needed for other public safety related things but instead they were with me who was wasting their time and tax payers money. I thought this would work, appealing to their importance and my lack of importance, but not so much.

There was a lot of back and forth and I was getting pissed off because I don't like the way I was being spoken to. I also didn't like being told to sit on the curb of my car (which I had previously claimed was "I don't know who's car") because that car was "dirty" and I was not, well...if you don't count bleeding knees as dirty. The Newport PD decided they needed to call in backup, in the form of an SUV to "detain me" because I was not cooperating by asking them why they felt that they needed to start going through the car I was sitting in. And why they felt I needed to sit on the car and watch as they "legally" decided they should rummage and search the vehicle after I had no response to the question "Where is the dope? Who has the marijuana?"

Right as I was being asked this question, Stiletto's appeared and started charging at the police as if they were misinformed of something and needed some direction. She started asking them what THEY thought they were doing there and informed them that they needed to leave me alone, because we were getting in a cab to go home. In case they did not know, Stiletto's is FROM the OC. She GREW up there and she just can't understand WHY they would be hassling her or her friend who was there to visit for the weekend. The officer repeated the question to Stiletto's, "Where is the marijuana?" To which Stiletto's informed him that she did not know what marijuana was.

The tone of his voice was comical when he replied "You are from OC, yet you do not know what marijuana is??"

Stilettos: "Well, I'm much more of a drinker."

Apparently, they thought this was going to be a big bust, like on cops. But unfortunately, I was not carrying a kilo of cocaine and nor was this a mobile meth lab. This in fact, was a waste of their time...which is what I had been saying to them ALL ALONG.

But of course they couldn't just let me off and leave me in Stiletto's care to get home in a taxi. No, instead I was written a citation for "Urinate in public."

Out of all the ridiculous things I have done in my life, I get a ticket for URINATING IN PUBLIC. Where NO ONE but some police officers with NOTHING BETTER TO DO happened to see the stream of urine and decided that I needed to be reprimanded for it. EVERYONE urinates in public at one point or another. You don't make it a habit, but you do it when you have to. And I had to.

I didn't think it was a big deal but apparently it's one of those things where you can be asked to REGISTER, as a SEX OFFENDER, IN YOUR STATE for urinating in public. I have talked to quite a few people about this and I guess you need to be caught doing it in a way where you are some sort of voyeur, or near a school, families, or kids.

I didn't do anything like that and have never gotten in any trouble with Johnny Law before Friday night. So, even though it's totally lame that I got a urinating ticket, at least it's just a citation and a fine I will have to pay. It's not totally going to ruin my life and make me have to register as some jeebie sex offender freak.

In other news, my knees are still totally f'd up, I look like some 9 year old kid that skinned her knees and answering the question "What happened" is becoming a little ridiculous for someone at the ripe old age of THIRTY.

I'm going to take a much needed break from drinking and going out for a while, at least until I can learn to act my age.

Dating Resume/Rider for the Ringleader

Cory over at Surfelport.com is pretty God damn funny. Someone posted a MySpace bulletin linking his blog about a month ago and today I checked back and felt the need to post something related to two different posts I read by him.

Savginas:
Could this be the reason I am failing at dating as of late? Are you boys onto me? Damn you Cory for putting my game on blast to all of your loyal readers! Thank God there are still guys dumb enough to believe that I really am a "cool chick" but maybe I am a Savgina?? In reality, I DO love sports and enjoy watching them with groups of people, most of which are usually guys that are always impressed with my sports knowledge. Unfortunately, the guys I watch sports with are just friends. However, I do get the feeling that they consider me one of those "cool chicks" seeing how we play videogames, discuss sports, dome, boning, the bat shit crazy broads they date, and the fact that I NEED TO GET LAID on the regular. I also like strip clubs, but since I am unattached/single/not dating anyone -- I only get the chance to go to strip clubs when doing things like taking my friends brother to his 1st strip club for his 1st lap dance or going with guy friends.

As far as making friends with strippers and Hooters waitresses, I would only do that in an attempt to be the ultimate wing-woman and get my guy friends laid. Why the hell aren't my guy friends trying to get me laid? Fucking haters. That or they like hearing the trials and tribulations of my failure these days. You can only have a hot streak for so many years, right? I'd better start looking into acquiring cats and collecting oven mitts.


Cory's Dating Rider and Resume: First of all, I have to applaud him for being so honest. I'm not sure what I would have done if someone handed this to me on a first date but I do know one thing for sure, I would definitely be getting laid if I found them attractive and could stand to be with them for the night. I also decided to totally bite Cory and steal his dating rider and use it as sort of a Meme, basically I'm tagging myself to complete it. And if you feel so inclined to do it, I tag you. And if we're lucky, maybe Cory will tag us as "thanks." ;)

The Alleged Ringleader

Personal Attributes & Experience:

- 3 successful long term relationships, one of which was 6+ years of living and working together, both parties are still alive and are friends.

- Developed and executed comprehensive dome policy and practiced on various males age 15-37 from 1993 to present.

- Chose quality over quantity in her sex life. Topping the charts with a "L.A." low record of 13 sexual partners.

- Implemented the skills of Giada in the kitchen, Tera in the bedroom, and Jackie O on the street.

- Yes, they're real.

Professional References:

"The Ringleader has taken dome to a whole new level, she brought it into the field of aquatics. She has established herself as the leader in dome with her signature move of upside down dome while rolling out of an underwater somersault." - name provided upon request.

"The Ringleader gives hope to those who are not blessed with a well endowed penis. She gives them a second chance to prove themselves in the sack." - Small Penis Boy.

"You haven't eaten, until you have dined with the Ringleader" - Everyone.

Dating Rider for The Ringleader

1 - You must be available for sex when The Ringleader has been drinking and hits you up between the hours of midnight - 6am. There are TWO ways you are allowed to "pass" on this: 1) When you have a meeting or work related function that can be confirmed in writing. 2) With promise of uninterrupted dome of 30 minutes or more at a date that shall not exceed 3 days after said sex was "passed" on.

2 - Sex with each other shall occur no less than 4 times per week. Dome must be provided regularly and NOT just for celebratory purposes. Additional amounts of dome shall be given and received for special occasions.

3 - Birthdays, Christmas, and Anniversaries shall be considered 5 Letter Holidays and gifts should be the standard 5 letters, bonus points for finding new 5 lettered gifts such as trips to ITALY or PARIS, both of which are 5 letters.The Ringleader happily gives up her 5 letters (the pu**y) year round to reap the benefits of your 5 letters (the Penis) and 5 letter gifts. The Ringleader is aware that she can obtain penis anywhere, yours + gifts makes you special.

4 - You must promise to never, EVER willingly insert your finger or any other foreign object into the Ringleaders bellybutton. Receipt of said rider acknowledges you have been informed of her freaky bellybutton phobia and promise that the only thing that could possibly enter her bellybutton on your watch could be a pool of your DNA.

5 - When spending the night, there will be no cuddling. The Ringleader needs her space when sleeping and not only do you bogart her bed, but your body heat makes her hot, therefore causing her to lose valuable beauty sleep.

6 - If you plan to sleep on her Cali King tempurpedic mattress, be prepared to provide references to the fact that you do not PISS THE BED, EVER! If you are unable to provide said references of that fact, be prepared to show financial responsibility with how quickly you can come up with $3k+ to replace it should there be an "accident." The tempurpedic mattress does not get "flipped" to make urine stains disappear.

7 - If you have air conditioning, you must USE it. The Ringleader does not consider "opening a window" to do the trick when she is hot. The Ringleader reserves the right to consider herself HOT if the temperature rises above 72 degrees Fahrenheit.

8 - Sex must not fall into routine. While it is perfectly acceptable to regularly finish in doggystyle, the rest of the act itself must vary from the moment it has commenced. Dirty talk shall be used as often as possible and shit talking is encouraged to bring out the best performance from both partners.

Does it seem like I'm high maintenance???

If My Friends Jumped Off a Bridge...

DUH! I would jump too.

Smartass
You are 71% Rational, 100% Extroverted, 57% Brutal, and 57% Arrogant.

You are the Smartass! You are rational, extroverted, brutal, and arrogant. In fact, you could very well be the anti-Christ, as you are almost the exact opposite of everything Jesus was supposed to be. While Jesus says love your enemy, you say love beating the crap out of your enemy. While Jesus raises the dead, you raise hell. While Jesus walks on water, you tend to sink. You probably consider people who are emotional and gentle to be big pussies who are obviously in lesser stature than you. You have many flaws, despite your seeming intelligence and cool-headedness. For instance, you aren't very nice. In fact, you're probably an asshole. And you are conceited and self-centered. Not only that, but you are very loud and vocal about all this, seeing as how you are extroverted. There is no better way to describe you than as a "smartass", I'm afraid. Perhaps just "ass" would do, too. But that's a little less literary and descriptive. At any rate, your main personality defect is the fact that you are self-centered, mean, uncaring, and brutally logical.

To put it less negatively:
1. You are more RATIONAL than intuitive.
2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.
3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle.
4. You are more ARROGANT than humble.

Compatibility:
Your exact opposite is the Emo Kid.
Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Capitalist Pig, the Braggart, and the Sociopath.

Because We Are Lazy and/or Busy

Each of us took this personality quiz that may or may not be affiliated with an online dating site... The results were pretty awesome so I decided to post mine. (And Yes we do have time to take online quizzes despite not having time to blog). In other news I broke out with sick Birthday DOME for The Random last night, in hopes that it will increase my chances of getting some Birthday DOME next month when mine rolls around.

Spiteful Loner
You are 86% Rational, 14% Extroverted, 100% Brutal, and 43% Arrogant.

You are the Spiteful Loner, the personality type that is most likely to go on a shooting rampage. In high school, you were probably that kid who wore all black and who sat alone in a corner of the lunch room, drawing pictures of dead babies. You are a rational person and tend to hold emotions in very low-esteem; not only that, but you are also rather introverted, meaning you probably bury any emotions you feel deep inside yourself, like all of the bodies in your backyard. Combine these traits with your dislike of others and your brutality, and it seems that you would be quite likely to shoot innocent people in a rampage. Most likely, you also have low self-esteem. Hell, I get low self-esteem just looking at you. This is only yet one more incentive to go on a shooting rampage, because you wouldn't care if you died as a result. Granted, you probably haven't gone on a shooting rampage and probably never will, but all the motivations are there. All you need is for someone to push you over the edge, calling you names and belittling you. Like me. But don't shoot me. I have a 101 mile-long knife, you know. In conclusion, your personality is defective because you are too introverted, brutal, insecure, and rather unemotional. No wonder no one hangs around you, you morbid, cold-hearted freak!

To put it less negatively:
1. You are more RATIONAL than intuitive.
2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted.
3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle.
4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.

Compatibility:
Your exact opposite is the Televangelist.
Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Capitalist Pig, the Smartass, and the Sociopath.