You don't have to put on your red light

Well, you def put on the red light if you want the business and to get laid...but alas that didn't happen and we're batting 0 for 2 cities with the boys...

We made it out of Amsterdam along with our shoes and our pride. Currently we're on one of those fancy Thalys trains somewhere in Belgium, drinking mini bottle after mini bottle of french red wine, we're en route to Paris.

The past few days have been a blur of heineken, hashish, frites, tosti, and whores...in other words its been GREAT! Like finding the holy grail of all things illegitimate in a legitimate setting, Amsterdam is hedonism and truly an adult playground in Europe.

Night 1 - after flying into the Dam and taking the train to the Centrum of the Dam, Lilo & I dropped our bags off at the hotel and headed out to the nearest coffeeshop, which happened to be The Grasshopper, one of the most touristy & most expensive coffeeshops in the Dam. We paid €20 for 1g of Kalimist, €4.50 for 1 gatorade, and €4.50 1 bottle of water. FYI a pint of Heineken costs €2.10 so there is truth in the statement I had previously made about beer being cheaper than water (too bad coffeeshops don't sell booze anymore...)

We blazed a spliff and got sooooooo baked out of our minds, seriously SO retarded! When in <strike> Rome <\strike> Amsterdam right? So then of course we decide it would be a good time to wander around aimlessly in search of glorious frites and a bar to throw down some Heinie's. We walked up & down like 20 alleysize streets in search of said Heinie bar only to decide against each bar for not being "low-key" enough for us as we weren't really dressed up. So FINALLY we see a street that looks bustling and lit up and KNOW there HAS to be a bar down THAT street!

Lilo, walking a few steps ahead of me and more high than I have ever seen her (until the next night when she was the MOST high) and all of a sudden it DAWNS on me that SOMEHOW during our wandering we had managed to wander into and allow the main drag of the Red Light District to CREEP UP ON US! Yes that's right the broads in their stationairy boxes crept up on us! So I shout "LILOOOO, do you know like what's going on HERE?? I mean are YOU aware??"

She turns around and is POINTING at a bar located conveniently in between two boxes with their lights on, and goes "Yeah there's a bar RIGHT THERE!" Meanwhile, the directional pointing may have come across as pointing towards different girls and then came the massively delayed response of "WOW, OK I GET IT. I AM AWARE..." All of which happened in serious SLOW MOTION, I even heard her speak slowwwww.

And then we walked REALLY quickly out of that alley so that we could discuss what had happened and our thoughts re: said sex for money propositions. Its not that we're uncomfortable with it, in fact we're far more curious of the in's and outs (sans in/out live action) and how it works more than anything. But the fact that we had NO IDEA that we could end up there whilst wandering and thus we were unprepared, which scared us. It was like we were sleeping and someone crept up for some backdoor action without our expressed written consent, OF COURSE you're gonna jump and/or recoil! In fact the rest of our time in the Dam we couldn't help but keep bringing that moment up, it was SO funny and the reaction was oh so real!

Day 2 - we slept until around 2pm and then made our way down to the Leidesplein for dinner, heineken, and to legally smoke some more ganja. We finally realized that we need to buy weed from a coffeeshop and then go to a "smoker friendly" bar where Lilo could drink beer and roll me a spliff (since I don't roll) and then smoke out and chill. I'd like to mention that I'm positive that Lilo has a drinking problem. She drinks 2 beers/wine/whatever to my 1 drink and is the picture of beligerence. In fact right now beside me on the train she is beckoning for a "button" for the train attendant so she can ask for her to bring yet another bottle of wine over...

Day 3 - we decided to get cultured and things and made our way to the Van Gogh museum which I was able to race through in about 20 mins, they didn't even have the print of the skeleton skull smoking a cigarette for us to buy, that was like the coolest pic they had there in my opinion. I would like to note that I have NEVER been as cold IN MY LIFE as I am here in the Dam, England was WARM in comparison! We're talking -8 degrees out here and my makeshift balls are frozen! We found this place for Frites which after sampling at least 4 different frite places this was the best of all (and voted best fries #1 in Holland) its the www.Frietopia.nl. This place oozes mayonaise and glory topped frites! If I was to bring these frites to LA, I'm certain that an early retirement would be in my future! Needless to say we ate at this frite place everyday and had frites this morning for breakfast before boarding the train to Paris. We <3 frites, true story.

We have also become one with the Red Light district. Last night we decided to hang out in the district for research purposes alone, we wanted to see how the business became a transaction, so obviously we followed a group of boys who were in search of a "good time." The 4 boys came across a Russian/Ukrainian looking broad who was quite attractive and we saw her open the door for them as we walked by. I turned around and told Lilo that we needed to go back & see how this whole thing goes down. So we literally turned around and took out seat against a cement pole and watched a working girl, WORK it!

Working girl - "All of you! 1, 2, 3, 4 - let's go now."

Me - WHOA!

Working girl - "you and you, come on, two at a time"

Me - Lilo, is this on of those situations where "both boys LOOK to the RIGHT?"

Lilo - yes, I look right and you look right.

Me - WHOA! I mean, if I was paying I mean, wouldn't you want like your OWN time with her?

Lilo - yeah well, how do you decide who goes FIRST???

It was bananas. We love the Dam, its the gnarliest place ever and such a chill, welcoming environment for all things.

That's our recap of the Dam so far. We'll try to post as much as possible seeing how Stiletto's, our lead singer, is busy with her solo album over at her solo blog. Send her an email for an invite vee.hilton@gmail.com so you can get caught up with the happenings she can no longer post here.

We're almost in Gay Paree and we're soooooo ready for Eiffeling good times! Hopefully we'll have luck with some French boys and have some worthwhile stories to tell. So far, we've been in places where boys are more interested in red lights and hash smoking contraptions....

xoxo,

The Ringleader & Lilo

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Falling, Failing, and Minding The Gap

Ok so not really failing more like winning considering I AM IN EUROPE. Currently on our way out of London I'm on the train drinking a Stella from a tall can over ice. It has been a great trip thus far despite the fact that our luggage showed up 8 hrs behind us and it rained the first day. The luggage situation worked to our benefit because I didn't have to lug my 57 lb (yes that would be 7lbs over limit and costing an extra $50 to check. FAIL) I've towered, Big Ben'd, Parliamented, and most importantley I'VE MINDED THE GAP and managed to avoid certain death. Our second day (1st morning) things were rough.....

I was awoken at 8am by drilling, hammering, and general construction stuff.... Due to the hotel being "under construction" I managed to sleep til around 12:30 and at that point The Ringleader was gently waking me up.... Knowing that I'm not a morning person in general and sure as hell not after an 8 hour time change she got up and went to the closest store for diet coke, Britney water, and 2 types of energy drinks. Just a few items to ensure that I wasn't going to punch her in the face for waking me up. After getting we ready we headed out for fish and chips, it was awful and there was still skin on the bottom of fish! VOM. Lucky for us we had some free dinner planned at a hotel far more glorious than our "Marriott" um ya we are lying liars who lie and in actuality we stayed at a sub par hostel hotel, apparently though it is unacceptable for one to admit this to a hotel rep whose hotel is hocking standard rooms for £350 and suites with spa tubs not to mention is about to hook you up with a meal costing about 1/3 of what our whole trip cosyt . As we sat down to dinner I thought we had both decided on Rib eye as it turns out saying "I'll have the same no gravy" was a bad move because The Ringleader had changed the plan and ordered prime rib which meant I got no Au jus. FAIL!!! However I did order a far better cheesecake dessert. The best part of the night (besides being forced to walk by closed Louboutin, La Perla, and Versace, who btw has knock off red soled boots, stores - knowing I can't afford to even look in the window) was falling walking out of the restaurant. In front of patrons, our waiter, the entire kitchen staff, and the rep that was hosting us. In bonus news the rep did say it was the most graceful fall he had ever witnessed.

To make things better we went across the street to the Mandarian Oriental to the Mobar for what The Ringleader said would be 1 over priced drink which turned into about 5 overpriced drinks each. What can I say we were engrossed by a working girl** doing what they do. Laughing and rubbing on a grotesquely fat businessman's belly. We're not talking a bowl full of jelly it was more like a vat full of lard - a trainwreck I couldn't stop watching they had no shame. £120 later we were in a cab back to our double bed to spoon.

Sine we had to check out at the ungodly hour of 10:30 we left our bags and headed off to eat and to go Camdon town to find Amy Winehouse. Our mission for lunch turned into a disaster.... After a few tube stops we emerged in Soho determined to find a pizza hut. No problem they are on every corner usually next to a KFC and subway. When we spotted the red hut symbol were thrilled only to approach and realise it was a Pasta hut! WTFail! I was cranky and hungry and it was a mother fucking pasta hut. Without looking at the menu we walked away and found an actual PIZZA hut approx 400 blocks away only to be handed menus that said PASTA hut. FAIL. Apparently the pasta is "so good they're changing their name". In pizza/pasta huts defense they did save The Ringleaders life with the BEST diet pepsi she has EVER had. So crisp so cold so refreshing. We finally made it to the hell hole/ freak fest of Camdon town only to be disappointed when we were unable to locate the royal Mess Ms. Winehouse. Presently I am now at the Gatwick airport waiting on our flight and eyeing the bar since I have a few last pounds to burn.

I mind the gap, my step, and really don't mind the fail. I have yet to meltdown or threaten to call my Mommy to fly me home.

*Written from my blackberry so shut it about spelling, grammar, or anything else I don't care I'm busy getting cultured and shit

**Working girls are apparently the only women who walk around London in Loubous... We saw 4 women walking around wearing them

Mobile blogging, part 1

	It's something like 1am and I have photographic evidence of a few things. #1 is below (hopefully you can see it) but it's me, your unfaithful Ringleader laying flat in business class. Yes, it was glorious... What is NOT so glorious was the fact that our luggage did not arrive with us @ 6am Sunday morning...so I had to gallavant around Londontown wearing SLACKS (required in business class as a travel agent) and my navy blue diesel sneakers, eew! I should mention that my slacks were worn on the plane with 4 inch boots and therefore were FAR TOO LONG for diesel shoes, oh ya and IT WAS RAINING all day long so I was wet from the knee down. But in bonus news, we didn't have to schlep our bags on the tube and upstairs or down the street to our hotel, I should mention Lilo's bag weighed 57 pounds and that cost her $50 extra dollars for a heavy bag! Our 1st meal in England was McDonalds, I know FAIL but on Sundays in the west end things don't open til after 1pm and we were hungry! More to come and be reported including our run-in with a working girl a la "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" on Showtime, ya she was ready to bone an OBESE man she was with @ the Mandarin Oriental Hyde Park's "MoBar", oh yeah and Lilo slipped and fell when exiting our "business" dinner at the Jumeirah Carlton Towers'. "Rib room" restaurant....should also mention she's been referring to the hotel as the Jamiroquai (like the singer) since then, needless to say, she's been wasted today. Tomorrow we depart for Amsterdam!!!! Woot! Expect a FULL report on our London whereabouts as well as a fear & loathing esque update of life in the Dam as per our soon to be experience in the coffeeshop. "Cheerio" bitches....

Baby You Can Go Wherever You Like

Yeeeeahhhhhhhhaaaaaa.
Sorry I have been lagging on my posts, getting myself and Lilo prepared for this trip has SERIOUSLY been taking a lot out of me! I know that being travel agent extraordinaire, this is like "my job" but in reality, I don't usually book leisure foreign independent travel for people. It just takes too much time and is far too involved for me to get into. I'm usually dealing with business travelers needing upgrades flying from LA to London, staying in a fab hotel (recommended by me), going to some meetings, grabbing a bite to eat, and then flying back home. It's a quick wham, bam, thank you ma'am transaction and it allows me the time to reply to my millions of other work related emails, blog, and surf the web.

We're Leaving for Europe ON SATURDAY! I'm so excited that I can't stand hearing MYSELF talk about it anymore! Each day when I come to work I immediately start working on our trip, whether it be looking for better connecting flights with better business class seats, or searching for the perfect restaurant, bar, or place to meet boys. It's tough because I don't just have me to consider; Lilo is a pretty gnarly person who draws the line at doing lots of different things and obviously I need to run things by her to be sure said activities are kosher in Lilo-land.

We're starting things off on Saturday with business class flights on American, not just any business class, but flying on a 777 aircraft in their new flagship service, complete with world renowned wine on board, meals prepared by famous chefs, personal media screens, and an unlimited number of buttons to push! Lilo is even bringing a videocamera to document said button pushing and the fact that we will be able to lie flat in our glorious beds while flying. This is really the standard for traveling with me, there are things I just don't do and one of those things is fly coach. Now, I don't know HOW Lilo is going to make it sans cigarette whilst eating and drinking for 8 hours but I have a GOOD FEELING that our friend Xanax is going to help with that ;)

With only 2.5 days to see everything, once we touch down in Londontown we have to hit the ground running. Since we arrive at 6am and no hotel will let us check-in, it's a good thing we are flying business class and have use of the AA Flagship arrivals lounge. Where else can you shower and prepare the pretty and skinny for the number of photoshoots that will take place this day? Exactly. Then we are off to the Tower of London to see everything, Big Ben/Parliament, Westminster Abbey, and Camden in search of a photo op with her Royal Messness, Amy Winehouse. We heard she likes to hangout and sometimes DJ at The Monarch Bar and Hawley Arms, so if by chance she runs out of crack and feels like going for a beer, we might just have a chance at looking like serious beauty queens posing next to her Royal Messness.

Our nightlife situation in London could get crazy as I have a friend who works in the music and event planning industry, and she is looking into parties for us to attend where we could drink and party for free, of course. My friend Missy is LEGIT out in London, she's listed on website's as "The Queen of Partying" and she is always partying with The Black Eyed Peas, Kid Rock, Akon, Justin Timberlake, Timberland, etc. The last time I was in London, I ended up drinking Belvedere out the bottle while dancing on a VIP table in the Paper Club with some London rapper. Oh yeah, and I asked the Prince of Brunei if he would consider retiring me, because I too wish to lead a life of partying and leisure. Sure I spent the entire next day running from my bed to the bathroom to vom, but it was ALL WORTH IT. Needless to say my friend Missy has already commented on my Facebook that she is not sure if London is ready for the Ringleader again...and she hasn't even met Lilo yet! After we bang out our first day of sightseeing and partying the Ringleader has some business to attend to and is dragging Lilo around, the only reason why I even considered handling some business is so that Lilo and I could eat and drink for free. Currently we have an appointment to see the rooms at the Jumeirah Carlton Hotel on Monday night which includes unlimited free drinks and fine British cuisine in their 5 star restaurant. It's damn good considering the price of ONE martini is over $20USD and a Big Mac from McDonalds is coming in at $7USD.

Tuesday night we are off to the Dam! We're spending 3 GLORIOUS days perusing coffeeshops, the flower market, the red light district, and just chillin in Amsterdam. I got this ridiculous 67 Euro travel agent rate at the Renaissance and plan to take advantage of the abundance of ganja by sparking spliffs like the Dutch, drinking Heineken on tap, and eating at my favorite international restaurant, Wagamama. I swear this place must be as common as Applebees or Chili's because when I tell people how much I love it, I get strange looks like it might be the most common chain of food around. Well, we just don't have anything like Wagamama in LA and it's some gooood noodley deliciousness! Plus, I'm just happy to have something else to eat besides the famous Dutch French Fries dipped in MAYO, which I do love! What can I say? This girl will have the munchies and needs places to go to satisfy her cravings!

After destroying numerous braincells in Amsterdam, comes our arrival into the Fashion. Capital. Of. The. World. OMFG PARIS! Probably the place that concerns me most as I have never been before and Lilo most definitely expects me to know wtf I am doing because THIS IS SO MY JOB!! Again, I got us a RIDIC 67 Euro rate at the Marriott Paris in the Latin Quarter near Saint Michele, Notre Dame, and Bastille. Aside from our obvious Eiffeling, which is Lilo's word for "frolicking in, on, and around the Eiffel Tower" we plan to visit Jim Morrison's grave at Pere Lachaise, The Louvre, shopping on the Champs Elysees, and MOST IMPORTANTLY EATING FRENCH FOOD and DRINKING FRENCH WINE AND CHAMPAGNE! Of course I set up another "work" appointment with the Plaza Athenee in Paris and am looking forward to drinking as many of their $40 cocktails as possible FOR FREE!

Since we are planning on laying off the sauce and fancy restaurants (on our own dime) for most of the trip to save $$, we decided that in Paris we would have ONE glorious meal where we spare NO EXPENSE...

That is, until I realized just HOW EXPENSIVE fine dining is in Paris! It's UNBELIEVABLE! I was hoping to dine at one of the many restaurants operated by world renowned Chef Alain Ducasse UNTIL I read things like GLASSES of WINE for 38 Euro, Bottles of wine for 200 Euro and dinner for two = $600+!! My other problem has been with things on the menu, you see, I don't eat things like Calf Head, Foie Gras, and I don't know what pan seared meagre is, among other things... I also can't imagine that top notch 3 star Michelin restaurants in Paris would appreciate things like substitutions from stupid Americans. I guess we will just stick with drinking wine in wine bars and picking up grilled ham croque monsieurs from the brasseries and save our $$ to spend on things like Louboutin's and Louis Vuitton bags!

We will definitely be blogging while on our Eurotrip if one of us can figure out how to e-mail our posts to blogger, otherwise we will be e-mailing Stiletto's to post on our behalf. In addition to that, I'm sure we will be twittering the random things that happen so be sure to follow us there.

The Ringleader on Twitter

Lilo on Twitter

Happy Birthday To Me

Last weekend I had a glorious birthday weekend of wine tasting in beautiful Santa Ynez. I've been trying to find to time to blog in detail about that. I will say that I have wonderfully drunk friends who held my hair when I made the van pull over to allow me to Vom. As well as took pictures for record keeping purposes. Nothing says "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" like VOM.

As well as an awesome roommate who purchased over a case and half of wine for our house. It required serious re-structuring of all the cabinets but we made it work.

There were other things not so glorious that I can't really mention right now that have to do with the future of my job and things income related. I also learned that my mortal enemy Mayo comes from France. Yes France, the place I will be visiting in the coming weeks. You can imagine how upsetting this is to me.

This last week has been a trying one for me so when my roommate suggested a group dinner at Ago and offered to pay for me I was happy to oblige. As many times as The Ringleader and other friends have been to Ago there has only been 1 occasion where there were crab cakes on the menu April 19, 2008 (Thanks to the hardest working trainer in L.A. for marking that date down) and I happened to be present for them. Each time we have been there since I have called ahead of time to ask if they would be on the menu that night only to be disappointed. That is, Until today! Yes, people I have called and been informed by hopefully reliable sources that there will in fact be glorious lump crab crack cakes on the menu tonight. The Ringleader and I are considering getting there early just to reserve them as each person at our table will be needing their own order. Even with everyone having a personal cake I still worry there may be a fork stabbing incident.

I'll chalk this up to another birthday bonus for Lilo. I just hope my source was legit otherwise I may be ex-communicated from the dinner table for giving everyone hopes and dreams of crab cakes.

Tagged - D'OH

Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you. Thanks for linking us Momochacha!
2. Share Seven Random and/or Weird Facts about yourself
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs
4. Let each person know that they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog

I decided to choose 7 random "D'oh" moments. To this day, these moments STILL make me cringe and shudder when I think about them. I don't have any regrets in life but sometimes I wish I didn't do certain embarrassing things...

1. I went to Cabo in 1999 with a group of friends/co-workers. One of the "friends" was Mike, a guy I was secretly dating (everyone but my boyfriend knew) and another friend was my boyfriend's brother, recipe for disaster? Yes.

Mike and I were getting wasted and popping ecstasy and finding places throughout Mexico to f*ck without my boyfriend's brother seeing us. On day 3, everyone decided we wanted to rent/ride Sea-Doo's in the ocean in front of our hotel, we went in pairs/groups as the others drank/tripped out on the beach. Mike and I hopped on our Sea Doo and after about 10 minutes decided it would be a good idea to f*ck on a Sea Doo. The Sea Doo barely accomodated 2 people, I mean it's a JET SKI not a BOAT! We looked at the beach and thought that FOR SURE no one could see us. I jumped on top and straddled him and we sorta boned by rocking back and forth for a few minutes out in the open before deciding that we should ride our Sea Doo to Lovers Beach to finish off our little sexcapade. We parked our Sea Doo in the sand while we rolled around in it. Obviously, the snorkelers and people enjoying the day on the beach didn't bother us at all. Is it weird that I was bent over a rock? Eh, we were on E. When we finished and headed back to our hotel beach to return the Sea Doo, we didn't really understand why people were smiling and laughing at us (maybe they ALL were on E?!) and then we turned around and realized that EVERYTHING WE DID was in CLEAR VIEW OF ANYONE with decent eyesight on the beach...D'OH!

2. When I was a Junior in high school, my friend Tracy had one of the most glorious parties of my high school career. I had a fake ID and bought myself a 6 pack of Zima while chatting up some people about dome. At this time, I was still a virgin but I had given A LOT of blow jobs and was discussing blow jobs with Octavian/"Tavi", a recent graduate of my catholic college prep school. Tavi was a bit of a clown, we got along great and used to hook each other up with each others friends, but never hooked up ourselves. After about 4 Zima's and countless joints, Tavi asked me if I had ever given dome to a black man. I told him, no and DUH he would have heard about it (our school was small but gossip about me was HUGE).
He then said: "Oh, I see how it is. It's because of our black cum, isn't it?"

I was totally stoned out of my mind: "REALLY?? It's BLACK? Like the COLOR of it? How come I never heard this??"

Tavi went on to give me some explanation about how everyone was the same, no matter what and race didn't play a part in our anatomy books, that's why I never heard of it. He told me the black man had been held down enough and how do I know that white cum wasn't what was actually "gross"? Well, I never mentioned our conversation to ANYONE for YEARS. I felt like a racist even just inquiring about it, it seemed rude or something. Sure I was curious, but at the time I hadn't broke out with dome for a black man so I didn't know, for sure. About 3 years later I was having a discussion with one of my friends who was in a relationship with a black man, and I brought up what Tavi told me and she burst into laughter. She knew Tavi and told me that he used to tell girls that so that they would "just try it out" with him. I believed it for 3 years...D'oh!

3. I have a friend name Jake, we've been friends for 17 years, he was a bit dorky but the coolest guy ever. After two years away at college, Jake was visiting home for the summer and him and I met up for drinks, Jake was all of a sudden HOT! I decided that we NEEDED to hook up and it seemed like he was into it. We hung out the rest of the summer but nothing happened. So Jake went back to school in San Luis Obispo (3 hour drive to SLO) but he would drive back down to LA a few times a week to have dinner with me or even just to watch TV with me. We were going on weekly "friendship dates" and after every date, NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN. It was driving me (and all of my friends who I told) crazy! Finally, after one friendship date. I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I called him as he drove back to SLO and I said "Jake, we are REALLY GOOD FRIENDS, and have been friends for the longest time ever. But, there is kind of a situation I am having. You see, the more I hang out with you and the more time we spend together, the more I am realizing that I am starting to like you as more than a friend. And, I kinda don't know what to do about it but I figured that I needed to tell you and see what you thought...." Jake replied to me that he felt the EXACT SAME WAY and that he was REALLY glad that I brought it up because he thinks we should keep doing what we're doing and take things slow so as to not ruin our friendship. I got home and told EVERYONE about this! I was SO EXCITED and my friends were so excited! Jake and I went on a few more friendship dates and then out of the blue, out of nowhere I FOUND OUT THAT JAKE HAD A GIRLFRIEND. A girlfriend who MOVED from her east coast university to San Luis Obispo to go to the same school as him. I met her at his birthday party, she introduced herself as "Jake's girlfriend of 8 months" and how she was SO EXCITED to meet Jake's really good friend the Ringleader...That was the LAST TIME I have ever told a "friend" that I wanted to be "more than friends" - D'OH!

4. Senior year of high school. I had a huge group of guy friends that I hung out with who didn't go to my school. In this group there was this guy Robert that I had a crush on. One night after a big party we went back to our friend's house to continue the party. We decided we needed some privacy to hook up and our friend said we could use his bedroom. So we went in there and were hooking up, and Robert was unable to stay hard probably due to the drugs and drinking we had been doing. So we basically did everything else BUT have sex. At the time I was still a virgin but wasn't really waiting for anyone/anything in particular. When we were finished fooling around, somehow, Robert's plain white t-shirt was covered in blood and from what I hear so was our friend's sheets. I was MORTIFIED, I had gotten my period somehow at that moment when we were fooling around. I don't know what Robert told everyone, but the next day everyone was talking about how he had "popped my cherry" and now I was officially a whore, not just a BJ whore. To this day, people STILL talk about this incident. My friend Mrs. Tna (Laughlin WTA birthday trip in August) is married to the guy who's house this took place at and as recent as the last few years I have had to re-explain myself and let them know that Robert and I NEVER had sex and he certainly wasn't my first. I cringe and shudder everytimg I think about this, SO EMBARRASSING! D'OH!

5. New Years Eve 1995. Partying at the home of a Paramount Pictures executive who left his son in charge while he went out of town. I had hooked up with our high school football captain, Dave before and got into a conversation with his older brother who thought him and I should like be together. I had been drinking and his brother convinced us both that we should get together again, we would be a cute couple. I told my friend Guido that Dave and I needed to find a place to go and hook up that was NOT in the caves above the pool (where everyone else was). Guido sent me to this econoline luxury van on the street where he and the boys planned to sleep that night, he said he had already been in there and it's nice, so he tossed me the keys. Dave and I went in there, of course I broke out with dome and did not swallow (my MO cause I don't love them ho's) and I handed Dave a blanket to "clean up" with. The next day when we were at school, I told Guido what had happened in the van and about the blanket and he started DYING LAUGHING! He told me that he used that SAME blanket to clean up after this broad gave him dome and that the best part was that: my buddy Jay was sleeping with them in the van and was complaining about his bald head FREEZING! Of COURSE Guido tossed him THAT BLANKET which he wrapped around his head and slept through the night. I STILL feel bad about it, Jay is one of my best friends to this day! D'OH!

6. My actual "first time". I was out at a party with my then boyfriend and his friends, we had decided that tonight was THE NIGHT we were going to seal the deal. I decided I was going to be late on curfew and turn off my pager because I KNEW my family was going to blow my pager up starting at 1 minute past curfew. Our friend Brady let us use his house to handle the business, he went over to a friends house. So Jason and I were actually doing it and his pager starts going off and he ignores it the first 5 times. Then it's going off again and again and he stops to go check it, then tells me he doesn't know the number, so we go back to doing it. 3 more minutes into the sex and his pager is going off AGAIN and it's the same number followed by 911-911-911. He says "I'm really sorry but, I have to call the number, what if it's Brady and there is an emergency?" Well, he goes downstairs, calls the number back, comes back in the room and tells me "It was your Grandmother. She is wondering where you are and sounds really worried, you should probably go home." My Grandma had gone in my room and was going down the list of names in my phone book CALLING EVERYONE at 1am. By Monday morning I got to school and everyone was like WTF. My Granny had managed to burn out 3 of my friends and 2 frenemies by waking up their parents who had not realized their kids weren't home yet...D'OH!

7. Without a doubt #7 has to be my recent ticket for Urinating in Public. D'OH!

I tag the following to do this if they have time:

Alice

Jade

Miss Communication

Matt

At Least I'm Skinny

Stiletto & Lilo

I Love the Jews

I'm not a Jew, but I love the Jews for a number of reasons. Since today is Yom Kippur, and I have no idea what that means, I thought I would share a few thoughts about Jews and how they manage to enrich my life today.

The Jews account for a large portion of the working population here in Los Angeles. How do I know this? Because when the Jews have a holiday such as Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur, there is no traffic, ANYWHERE! I drive the dreaded 405 freeway through the Sepulveda Pass everyday ROUNDTRIP to/from work and it usually takes me about 1 hour each way. Today I got to work in TWENTY FIVE MINUTES! Last week or whenever Rosh Hashanah was, I got to work in 30 minutes WITH a stop for breakfast and iced coffee. Having no traffic in the morning or evening commute really starts my day off on the right foot.

It makes me wonder, is everyone else in this city really that lazy? Are Jews the majority in the work force? Or do the Jews all just have cars that they drive in rush hour everyday and don't carpool. I know if all the Mexicans took a day off or we had another A Day Without A Mexican (does anyone in LA remember when all Mexican workers went on strike and all the restaurants were closed? It was CRAZY!) Anyways, if there was a Mexican Holiday like Yom Kippur or something it wouldn't really affect my commute as much since most of the Mexicans in LA are at work FAR earlier than I am and the majority of them carpool. Mi familia never manages to help me out with things like my commute so I can be lazy and wake up later but they are great for teaching me how to make food taste THAT MUCH BETTER (read: add lard) or teaching me new ways to buy tamales from a mexican market and pretend I made them from scratch (thank you Nana!!)

Anyways, I think I may be onto something with the Jews and their work habits. My Roomie, the hardest working trainer in Los Angeles, is a Jew. Obviously by her name you just know she works long hours and 6 day work weeks. Aside from having a perfectly sculpted body and being the sweetest Room Skillie known to man, she has to out-do Mexicans like myself by working REALLY REALLY hard at work and on her FitMess. I guess that's why she is making the big bucks, eh? Oh yeah, and she also makes me feel like a lazy, worthless, blob who sits on the couch drinking wine and eating Trader Joe's bon bon's (which she turned me onto). It's not her fault, you would think seeing someone so driven towards success in business and body would rub off on me, but alas, it just makes me realize I could never do it and stick to anything like that. And because of that, things like gigantor burritos from Chipotle sound better and better.

Another glorious thing that happened today was due to the Jews being off of work, my company is going to close ONE HOUR EARLY! Which means, I will only have worked 6.5 hours today and get to leave at 5pm. My company usually only closes an hour early for SOME holidays, and to my knowledge this is the first Jewish Holiday they have done this for. When the tribe of Jews has the day off for religious purposes, business as we know it comes to a screeching halt and because of that, I get to leave early and still get paid for it. Things like this make the Ringleaders day.

Aside from all things high holiday related, there is one really important thing that ALWAYS makes me feel better when I am sick and that is Matzo Ball Soup and bagel chips. I love that stuff when I'm sick or the weather is cold. Today, I'm thanking all the Jews in my life for making my days that much better. I realize I don't thank people enough and when it comes down to it, my Jew friends account for a lot of laughs I have on the regular. I don't think there is anyone that makes me laugh more than my Hebrew friends, they also know about food, GOOD FOOD. I think every Jew I know is a foodie and has been to all of the restaurants I love and are regularly out trying new places and reporting back to me about them. So thank you!

Tonight, I'm going out to dinner with Lilo and her family for Lilo's Birthday. She turns 24 years OLD (haha OLD!) tomorrow and contrary to popular belief, AKA Lenny from "The Original Park" no more trailer in Cabo San Lucas, Lilo is NOT a Jewish name. Happy Birthday Lilo!

Douche Bags Inquire Within

After The Random's latest antics I decided (with some encouragement/enabling from The Ringleader) that maybe I should try alternative methods of dating and/or meeting new boys, boys that perhaps might want to be seen in public with me. Enter the online dating scene. While I am embarrassed to admit that I am a PAYING member of an online dating service I just couldn't NOT blog about my first interaction with a potential suitor. It started with an email from him through the site asking how I was to which I responded with a not too desperate but yet interested email back. He responded by asking me for my phone number because "the email thing just doesn't do it for him and besides his subscription was expiring soon" so after a lengthy discussion with The Ringleader and a few others I decided I would go ahead and give him my number.... He called tonight. I saw the number and immediately knew it had to be him so I of course let it go to voicemail and set up a conference call so that The Ringleader could listen to his message. It took some convincing but I decided to call him back and I should have known right away when his ring back tone was Nickelback "Far Away" followed by his recording that said "I'm out of the country leave a message" to hang up and run far far away. It went to voicemail so I left a brief message that I was returning his call and went back to watching 90210 and drinking beer on my couch. An hour later he called back and I answered.

The conversation started normal enough with things like - Why are you on an online dating site, what are you looking for, what do you do on the weekends, what do you do for a living (to which his response was that he was "part-owner" in his Dad's swimming pool company - he implied construction but I'm assuming pool aka grAY water cleaning) Then the conversation quickly progressed into things like:

"So you're single because you are super picky and the guy has to be perfect?"

- No mostly because I haven't had a lot of luck dating within my social circle

"Are you looking to like go out on dates and get dinner"

- No I don't like people to pay for things because I don't want to owe anyone ( I was really thinking "No I just want someone who doesn't mind being seen in public with me)

"I mean eventually ya, I might want to have a girlfriend again but I just got out of an 8 month relationship where I put in A LOT of time and money and effort and love and blah blah blah and it didn't work out so right now I'm just trying to have fun and hook up and if in that time of having fun I end up liking the girl then ya I would be into having a girlfriend again"

- Ok I can understand that (really thinking BITTER REBOUND)

"So are you a sexual person?"

- Ya I'm a sexual person

"Well that sounded real convincing"

- I do enjoy sex, who doesn't? In the right situation (really thinking he has no idea.... wow this conversation is taking a turn for the worst thank God I've been drinking for 2 solid hours)

"What is your body type? Ass, no tits, what?"

- I do have boobs (really thinking JESUS CHRIST WTF!?!?!)

"What kind of boobs?

- Paid for ones

"So how big did you go?"

- Like D's (really thinking I should end this conversation)

"When can I come over?"

- Well I'm not sure I have plans this weekend maybe we can meet on Monday but I just don't want you to have any expectations. I'm open to having fun and hooking up and things but it's hard to make those statements when I have never met you. I don't want to disappoint. (really thinking NEVER!)

"Don't worry there will be no disappointment most of the girls I meet think I'm pretty good looking"

-Great. (really thinking seriously bro? Has this "write 5 words for my profile, ask for numbers ASAP, call and try to set up having fun" angle been working for? Because you are real lucky I've been drinking tonight)

Those are just some of the highlights other topics included; "so have you slept with like 50 guys? No, just like 31? Because my last girlfriend had only been with 2 people" As well as "so whens the last time you hooked up?" I wanted to stab myself in the eye but yet I didn't hang up, it was like a train wreck I just couldn't help but to watch. He told me to hit him up when I got back on Sunday if I wanted to "have some fun" I'm sure the same kind of "fun" I've been having with The Random for the last year and 1/2. UGH! After I hung up with him I had no choice but to hit the freezer for a shot of tequila and phone The Ringleader to recap my phone call. She laughed. A Lot. Thanks AH.

Here I am actually trying to make an effort to meet boys for potential relationships and the first guy out of the gate just wants to bone but promises that it won't be a midnight booty call only situation because he's the type of guy to call me on a Monday night at 8pm to see what I'm doing and if I'm up to "have some fun". So help me if I have to deal with another member of the D.B. crew looking to "just have fun" with me I'm going to lose it. I have no choice but to stick it out on the dating sight considering I've prepaid so I can only hope it will get better and either way it looks like I'll have some great blog material for the next few months.

Wish me luck... In the mean time I'll be busy with self administered beatings.

Anger Management

* This is a guest post from the Ringleader's BFF, Tux. You might remember Tux from our previous post about The Divorce Party. That's basically all the introduction she needs. *

I’ll be honest with you all up front...I have an anger management problem. It’s been suggested to me by several doctors that I join some type of group to deal with the rage, but I’m not a believer in group therapy (wtf business is it of strangers to know my issues?!), and prefer to stick to the meds which are supposed to keep the outbursts to a minimum.

Lately however, I’ve felt an immunity to the meds and it’s been a struggle to channel my inner fury into something other than a complete scene, branding me, Tux, glorious Tux, as a ginormous mess.

So, in an attempt to self medicate, I will voice some serious issues I have in a different forum, this blog, rather than belting into some unsuspecting un-pretty, un-skinny, member of the public.

Some Top Ten WTF Issues That Worry Me Daily

10. There are television ads running in California urging people to visit California…um, we live here.

9. Miranda’s son’s name on S.A.T.C. is Brady. That’s also the last name of her husband Steve. Seriously? Brady Brady?

8. Safeway actually sells grapes that are individually picked from the vine, and put into plastic containers…apparently it’s too much work to pull each grape off and do this yourself? I usually buy a cluster of grapes on a vine, pick one off and eat it - one at a time.

7. When recently attending an extremely famous passion party, some dumbass actually talked shit and complained that I was taking too long with my order of lotions, potions, tie up tape, etc. Honestly…how excited can a bitch be & work herself into that much of a frenzy over plastic?

6. Eight year olds are selling drugs. ( I know this first hand because a youngin came up to my friend the other day and asked him if he’d like to buy some purps).
side note: The sad thing, aside from the fact that an 8 yr old is selling drugs, is
that he is probably making more money than me right now.

5. Taking off your front license plate (leaving only the back one on), and hiding your VIN # does not exclude you from red light violations – they take photos of the back of your car too!?

4. My local Starbucks will not put 2 energy packets into my green tea frappaccino, (“limit one per person”), but they will sell the actual packets to me in whatever quantity I ask for.
Side note: I am a caffeine junkie & can handle LARGE amounts of anything motivational which is why this particular situation is upsetting to me. I pay for them to mix my shit, not for them to sell me separates and ask me to be some mixologist.

3. The food & drug administration is trying to ban a certain company from naming their beverage “Weed.” Really?! …I think we all enjoy our fare share of Bud and Coke guys…

2. Women Obsessed With Tiny Dolls.

1. Sarah Fucking Palin? REALLY?!