Waking Up is Hard to Do

I go out FAR TOO MUCH. I'm like busy ALL OF THE TIME. Both of these things make me think I am the most tired person ever. Obviously being tired from doing things makes me not want to wake up in the morning because I want to sleep. Unfortunately, I have to wake up in the morning and it just sucks to start everyday with the most difficult task of getting out of bed. The past few days I have had NO CHOICE but to get up and get going with all sorts of things to do and I'm so tired and as soon as my holiday vacation begins I intend of sleeping for 5 days straight and God help the person that bothers me or tries to get me to do something.

Lilo and I had the day off on Friday to prepare for the XXX Mess party which was nothing less than historical and a monumental occasion to be shared by all! More on that later as I promised Lilo I would not blog about the party. Anyways, Friday morning we had to wake up uber early and go to the mall, 2 grocery stores, and her parents house. We spent the entire day decorating, cooking, bacon wrapping, and moving boxes of food and booze. We literally did not rest all day. Later that night I eventually passed out in Lilo's bed with Stiletto's on the air mattress on the floor next to me. Since I didn't sleep at home and since I was up late drinking/partying I obviously slept like shit. I was pleased to wake up to a giant mess the size of the party the night before and no way to actually cook anything for breakfast or to cure my gnarly hangover.

Yesterday I woke up around 12:30pm (FINALLY getting to sleep in!) and I realize that Lilo's place is probably still a giant mess and that we have AT LEAST 3/4 of the keg leftover as well as about a ton of food. Rather than go out and drop more $$ on food, I tell Lilo to meet me at her place and we'll clean and then kill the keg and eat. So we spend the entire day cleaning, drinking beer, reheating bacon wrapped treats and honey baked ham while watching some dvd's that I am not at liberty to admit to watching. Eventually I got wasted again and had to go home only to wake up again this morning and go to work.

Normally I need to leave my house at 8:30am to make it to work on time...today I woke up at 8:37am still feeling the effects of my weekend aka hungover and tired. I realize it's raining and due to rain I can get away with looking like shit and not fixing my hair. So, I put my hair in a side ponytail and then wear a newsboy hat on top of that. I put on a black long sleeve thermal shirt underneath a navy blue short sleeve sweater dress and wore charcoal gray patterned tights and matching scarf because it's cold. I looked in the mirror and knew this was a fail but just went to work anyways cause really, who cares and who am I impressing?

I really need to work on my waking up skills because what I am doing is not working. I also just realized my tights on are inside out and that the pattern of the tights is now indented on my legs. One should be embarrassed of this sort of behavior. I should really think about some new year's resolutions.

Online Dating FAIL

Ok so some of my friends joined an online dating site a little while ago. One of them went out on a bunch of dates and actually had some luck so I figured why not? I'd give it a shot.

So of course I don't tell ANYONE about it because after all it's okay to look, right? For the most part, I wasn't really getting the response that I was hoping for. The guys that I found to be interesting and attractive obviously weren't really that into me. I haven't taken it too personally because, afterall there is A LOT of competition in online dating! So many beautiful single girls that appear to have a lot going for them and a lot to offer, it's TOUGH!

Over the course of a month I have really learned what my "market value" is and it's quite eye opening and depressing. I mean at this point I figure I'm probably like a 6 on the 1-10 dating scale. I NOW understand why online dating didn't work for my Roomie when she tried it YEARS ago! There is just too much competition and the hot guys have FAR TOO MANY options to choose from! In the end, why would they choose me when they can choose Barbie who is perfectly fake, lives in Beverly Hills, and makes $250k per year?

Over the course of the past few weeks I have been corresponding with this guy who seems pretty normal. He's one of the few people that messaged me that I decided to even talk to. Most of the dudes that hit me up were not my type or lived too far away. So me and this dude only message via the website and had never really exchanged personal e-mail addresses, until now. See the guys paid subscription ends on 12/24 and he is "really interested" in getting to know me better, so he gave me his phone # and email address to continue getting to know me.

I then remembered something our dear friend Valley Girl used to do when she dabbled in the online dating scene, she used to Google the first part of the guys e-mail address to check him out. So I google this guys e-mail address and it leads me to this website. Has anyone even heard of DontDateHimGirl.com?

Well this is what it said about Ted, the guy I was talking to:
This guy is a scam artist. He will act like he's madly in love with you to get in your pants and then you never hear from him again. He's fat and thinks he's hot. Sucks in bed. He's a loser. He is on every online dating site imaginable. He's full of himself and has no personality. Don't date him girl!!

Do we think this is some girl just hating on him? Or do we think this is a valid claim?

Either way, I'm pretty sure I'm not planning on calling him or getting to know him any better!

Should I alert him to the fact that he has an online reputation???

It's hard out there for us single girls!!!

Travel Disasters: Unplanned Layover in Philly

As you all know, I am a travel agent. You would think that being a travel agent would guarantee superior service and seamless travel both en route to a destination and at your destination, but alas that is NOT the case! In fact, out of all of my friends and clients, people would agree that I have had the WORST luck when traveling! For a few years, NO ONE wanted to be in the same hemisphere as me when I went on a trip as disasters and crazy things kept happening, it was awful but looking back some of the shit was so f-ing funny.

With that I will begin with my very first trip to Europe in May of 2002. I spent 5 days in Amsterdam with my boyfriend at the time, The Skipper. While Skipper is the greatest guy ever and we're still really great friends these days, he used to be a total asshole and would completely come un-glued at times. This is one of those times. This post is a novel and I would probably only read it if I was bored like I am now @ work.

After 5 days in Europe and being completely jet lagged and irritated with my less than stellar options of food choices in the Dam, Skip and I were ready to come home. The day our flight was to depart we were being good and responsible travelers who happened to be travel agents, we called the airline 6 hours before our flight to reconfirm that it was still taking off and that it was on-time. We were told yes, on time - so we made our way to the airport. Upon arriving at the airport and checking-in with the ticket counter we were handed a piece of paper in English letting us know that our flight from Amsterdam to Philly was delayed for 4 hours. How could this be? We just called and it was on time, oh well these things happen. With that we waited around 4 hours and tried to get the airline to re-protect us on the next later flight from Philly to LAX since the delay would cause us to miss our connection, we did not succeed and the Dutch were no help.

I should mention that this airline is by far THE WORST AIRLINE IN THE WORLD, I am qualified to say this because I am forced to deal with them in my line of work and know from experience. I should also mention that the only reason I was flying with them was because I won 2 free first class tickets to Europe and well any idiot wouldn't let those go to waste.

Once we are in flight and speaking with English speaking flight attendants we found out the airline lied to us and that the crew KNEW the flight had not even departed the US when we called to reconfirm. They felt bad that we spent 7 hours in the airport waiting for our flight and called ahead to Philly to make sure we were re booked on the next Philly to LAX flight. They told us how once we cleared customs UsAir agents would be waiting for passengers to help them make their connections. Lies, all lies. Once we got out of customs there was a congregation of all 300+ people from that flight all crowded around ONE agent at the service counter. We were fucked. Eventually we realized we were not going to make any flight back to LA that night so we were reaccomodated on a flight the following morning, given a voucher for a hotel room, and provided transportation to said hotel room.

We found out that the Clarion Hotel UsAir was putting us up in was not even in Philly, or in the state of Pennsylvania for that matter. We were being driven FORTY MINUTES AWAY from the Philadelphia airport to Cherry Hill, NEW JERSEY.

WTF? What a piece of shit airline that can't even bother to put us up in the same state as the airport! We were obviously pissed but what could we do? We certainly weren't going to pay to stay somewhere else when UsAir screwed us and made us miss our flight, plus we spent WAY TOO MUCH in Amsterdam. Whatever, we went to the stupid Clarion and roughed it, it was just ONE NIGHT. When the driver drops us off he tells us to call his company and tell them what time our flight is the next morning and they will pick us up and take us back to Philly. So we called them, set up a pickup time and crashed out for the night. Being in 2 different time zones waiting around is SO EXHAUSTING.

The next morning we checked out of the hotel and went downstairs to wait for our ride to the airport. We waited around for about 30 minutes and called the limo company to find out WHERE the hell our driver was because we were worried about missing ANOTHER flight and not getting home. They told us the driver left hours ago and should be there shortly. We called a cab in the meantime and were ready to go with whomever got there first. 15 minutes later (45 minutes later than our scheduled pickup time) an old beat up limousine pulls up and the guy jumps out to take our bags. I notice this young Asian man looks as though he has not slept in about 3 days, I then make the determination that he has definitely been up smoking meth for the past week. We get in the car and the Skipper starts in on the guy.

Skipper: Um do you know what time it is? Do you own a watch? I mean what happened, you were supposed to be here almost an hour ago?

Driver: You're lucky I even picked you guys up, I just found out about this job and besides we're billing the airline so I'm not even going to get paid for this ride for at least a month.

The driver then proceeds to make a U-turn on a MAJOR highway during rush hour traffic and pulls into a GAS STATION and proceeds to hop out and start pumping gas.

Me... thinking: Holy motherfuck Skip is going to lose his shit right now.

Skip: ARE YOU F-ING SERIOUS BRO? YOU REALLY JUST SHOWED UP 45 MINUTES LATE TO PICK US UP AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY GAS? WTF KIND OF OPERATION IS THIS? FOLLOWED BY A SLEW OF OBSCENITIES...

Driver gets in the car and IGNORES us and just gets on the freeway headed towards the airport. He then tells Skip and I that we will get there in time and not to hassle him.

Skip did not take too kindly to these remarks from our tweeked out driver. He grabs my cell phone, asks for the # to his supervisor and starts screaming at the supervisor re: everything that is not to his liking. The supervisor was an asshole and eventually starts making crackling noises and saying he can't hear him and it must be a poor connection before just HANGING UP. ON. SKIP.

I don't know that I had ever seen Skip so mad. He literally leapt from the back of the limo, through the window to the driver and grabbed his limo radio, turned it on, and started screaming "ATTENTION: STEPHANIE. THE SO-CALLED SUPERVISOR WHO JUST HUNG UP ON ME. YOU WILL BE PAYING OUR CHANGE FEES WHEN WE DO NOT MAKE THIS FLIGHT. This is the biggest piece of shit company I have ever had experience with! While your cracked out/tweeked out drivers are up all night trying to solve Rubik's Cube we are about to have to spend an extra day in this God forsaken town and you could really care less about it. What are YOU going to do for US?"

Supervisor: Screams back "Attention Driver, you do not have to continue to take this abuse. Terminate the ride."

The driver then pulled over on the side of the 76 freeway (or the 295, not sure) where there wasn't even a shoulder and tells us to GET OUT. I look at him and say fuck no I will NOT be getting out of this limo and he has lost his DAMN mind, I don't even know WHERE I AM!

Driver opens the trunk and proceeds to THROW my luggage on the side of the highway saying that "Fine, then my luggage will be on the side of the road."

So of course I jumped out of the limo as I am NOT about to leave my handbags on the side of the freeway. I am more mad than ever and pretty sure that I am going to kill Skip first and then break up with him. He knew I was fucking pissed, he grabbed our bags and was wheeling them WAY ahead of me as I was busy crying woe is me and how do these things happen to me?? What are we going to do? Call a cab and tell them we are SOMEWHERE on this freeway wheeling luggage, WE THINK?

So I broke out the camera and decided to take some pics:

Skipper, dragging my luggage.

Eventually the freeway services company pulls up to rescue us. He assumes our car broke down and is really shocked when he finds out we were thrown out of a limo. He tells us that he's not allowed to exit the freeway but will drop us off at the next exit so we can go and call a taxi to pick us up.

We roll off the freeway off ramp and start on up the street looking for a street sign and an address where we could tell the taxi to pick us up. As we are rolling down the street, people are opening up their front doors and just staring at us. Finally, some lady rushes up to us and asks us where our car broke down, we told her we were thrown out of a limo (she laughed) and then she said "Do you have any idea where you are right now?" Uhhhh no... She informs us that we are in Camden, NJ and that it is NOT SAFE for us to be there and that we should try to get out of there asap. After about 30 minutes and being surrounded and gawked at by local crackheads, the taxi cab picks us up and tells us we are "Lucky to be alive." He then shows us the front page of the newpaper claiming that Camden was the 3rd most dangerous city in the nation for things like Murder/Death/Kill/Rape, etc.

Needless to say, we missed our flight and they wouldn't even check our luggage because the next flight was 9 hours later and too far in advance to check us in for. We ended up having to rent a hotel room in the airport for the day and the flight we were put on only had 1 seat available in first class, yours truly took that seat while Skipper had to cool off in coach. If only we had paid for the airport hotel in the first place, none of this would have happened...

Getting in the XXX-Mess Spirit Thanks to the Anchor

I'm not a big holiday person. When I was a kid and had 8500 gifts to open along with 2 weeks off from school I absolutely loved the holidays! Now that I'm older and my parents aren't piling gifts under the tree for me, I'm just happy to have a few days off and being able to sleep in a few extra hours!

The end of this year has been challenging to say the least. So many of my friends are struggling with the possibility of losing their jobs after already losing most of their money in their 401k plans. It seems like everyone needed a little hope and needed a festive and glorious holiday season to bring us all out of this funk, also we felt the need to try to and end this year on a good note.

Enter the Anchor (Lilo's Roomie/my client), who is a HUGE fan of Christmas. A little over a month ago he began asking us questions about Christmas and what we planned to do, then he started up with this idea of having a Christmas Party and how "we" should do it and how great it would be if everyone came and "dressed, you know, respectable."

For those who don't know the Anchor, we call him the Anchor because no matter what he does he slows us down. He may have a lot of great ideas but he has never had the intention of following through on anything that isn't part of his job description at the video game company that he works for. So of course when he starts on about this Christmas party and how "we" (he likes to say "we" a lot meaning me, him, and Lilo but really he means me and Lilo) should reserve the club house in Lilo's condo to have this party, me and Lilo looked at each other and know that "we" (her & I) will have to do everything. We agreed and the party turned out to be a great idea.

Who knew that having an XXX Mess party to plan would put us all in the Christmas spirit? Lilo bought her first real Christmas tree which we decorated and topped with the famous swallow bitch swallow hat. I bought a wreath that I even HUNG on my door and the Anchor is actually HELPING with the party! Sure we had to pressure him into coming with us to Costco to buy all the booze and treats but now that he is seeing things come together he has actually taken a role in hosting and planning the party, albeit at the last minute, but we're both shocked and amazed that he's doing something! The party is on Friday and in the past few days he has taken care of: following up with his invited guests and getting us an accurate list of rsvp's, reserved a keg that he will pickup on Friday, got us an Xbox with Rockband (the entire set up of guitars, drums, mic, etc), downloaded over 200 songs to play on Rockband, and has hired a bartender (some chick, who is supposedly hot). He even took the day off on Friday to help us prepare! It's totally random and unlike the anchor like but things are just about ready to go!

Thanks to The Pioneer Woman we have some of the appetizers taken care of such as these glorious bacon wrapped appetizers and mystery rolls which are about the worst thing for my ever expanding waistline but going to be oh so good on Friday. When I was making the bacon wrapped thingies (to freeze and reheat) I probably ate 10 of them just because the whole house smelled like glory bacon and they were so warm and fresh. Originally we planned to cook everything and not just appetizers, but with a guest list of 70 people, we decided we actually wanted to have fun at the party so we ordered a bunch of pre-made appetizers and a honeybaked ham and are only cooking up a few of the things.

As for the booze, we have enough booze to keep the entire nation of Russia warm for the winter...which is a good thing seeing how every person we talk to plans on getting "really wasted and taking a cab home." See, the company that the Anchor works for (which is an account of mine) has laid off a HUGE number of their employees and actually had to cancel their company holiday party due to the economy. Needless to say, things at his company have not been too jolly and most of his co-workers and bosses who are joining us haven't attended any holiday parties this year. The good thing about it is that all of the guys who work with the Anchor have been IM'ing me and telling me how excited they are to party and how this party is one of the only things they are looking forward to this season. Others have been hitting me up to warn me of their singing capabilities or lack therof in Rockband. Basically, the Anchor deserves a lot of credit for bringing everyone holiday cheer (and getting them wasted) and I told him that last night and I think it made his day.

I can't even begin to say how excited we are to party on Friday! I was at Lilo's last night just looking at all the booze and snacks and salivating. The Anchor was actually even talking about going shopping for a new outfit since he has lost some weight and wants to show off the fact that he has a waistline!

Speaking of outfits, I went shopping yesterday for a few hours and tried on about 8 million things and NOTHING fit. I was totally looking for a festive dress or something fab to wear, which I found many, they just must have had the sizes mixed up or something BECAUSE NOTHING WOULD ZIP UP. So I decided to wear a Rachel Pally dress I bought a few weeks ago that I haven't worn yet, it's not exactly festive but at least it fits. So as of right now this is my dress (sans the belt as they didn't have any belts that would actually FIT around my gut) and my L.A.M.B. booties (aka the most uncomfortable shoes in the world):

I just hope that I don't look prego wearing the dress in pics, that would totally suck! I love Rachel Pally clothes but sometimes they don't come across as flattering in photos. Maybe it's not the clothes...

The Holiday Shakedown

I'm going to preface this post by saying that I know I am a selfish asshole sometimes and this is probably one of those times.

The holidays are upon us and with that comes the holiday shakedown. Everywhere I go people are trying to shake me down for money. It used to only be in front of Target or the supermarket but now it's in all aspects of my life. Clients are sending me emails to donate to their charity, the owner of my company doesn't want a Christmas gift but would like me to donate to another charity, in lieu of an office secret santa gift exchange (which I don't ever participate in) we are donating to the red cross fire/disaster fund, and today we find out that my boss doesn't need anything but would like us to donate to a cancer research fund.

Where the fuck is my fund? How do I announce that I have a Loubou fund or the Ringleader's Maldives vacation Fund (Speaking of Maldives...Gravy Train HOW WAS IT? I'm SO JEALOUS!)

Ok now back to the donation shakedown acts of being selfless. First of all, I like the fact that people are just expecting gifts these days, and instead of being thankful or surprised that someone was thoughtful enough to get them a gift, they are just putting it out there that they don't want your gift or anything you would pick out for them. They want your money for their charity and in their name. And if you do not donate to their charity then you're a selfish asshole who deserves to rot in a homeless hell and they will be sure that everyone knows you don't give. And what is this GIVE business? How come giving feels more like taking?

For example, the person in my office that is collecting donations for the 3 different charities we're encouraged to donate to is literally COLLECTING. Like a debt collector.

I have been approached 2-3 times now re: said donations and wanting to know WHEN I would have a check for them. Look, I don't roll with my checkbook on the regular, in fact I don't even WRITE CHECKS except for my car payment which is my only bill I cannot pay online! I guess I'll have it WHEN I REMEMBER TO BRING MY CHECKBOOK TO WORK. Next thing you know they are going to ask if they should call me at home tonight to remind me to pay up. I mean who knows how many more reminder emails are going to go out (marked with high importance! Of course) and only addressed to the selfish broke ass people like myself. I've really just had enough of being shaken down for money. Don't I get enough of that regularly? You know like my BILLS that come in THE MAIL?

I also really love the donation list with everyone's first and last names followed by the amount they are donating that they pass around to everyone. I mean why can't we just slip our CHECKS in the ENVELOPE and then they can calculate it for a final donation? Because they want to pressure you into keeping up with the Joneses or the executives that can afford that $50 - $100 donation to help others. Those same people can also afford to buy their wives Loubous and afford to pay regular prices to go to the Maldives.

It's impossible to hold onto any money. I haven't even gotten paid and that shit is SPENT.

How do you guys deal with the holiday shakedown in addition to your regular holiday shopping and gift buying?

Things I Like to Steal From Boys

Throughout the years I have acquired lots and lots of stuff. Mostly it consists of all sorts of junk and items that don't belong to me which I'm too lazy to throw away. Why toss anything when there is tons of room to store shit in my walk-in closet?? In admiring my mess as of late, I realized that a great deal of the things I acquired were actually stolen, borrowed, lent to me from boys over the years. Boys of course who were promised that I would return their item the next time I saw them. Obviously I did not return anything and it's not like the things I held onto were of any sentimental value; it's just that they were boy things that us girls like to hang onto for things like rainy days. I decided to come up with a list of my favorite things to steal borrow from boys and why.

#1 Sweatshirts
I think every guy just knows they will never see their sweatshirt again after letting a girl borrow it when she is cold. Eventually the girl is going to leave and there is NO WAY she is taking it off after getting so cozy and warm in it! We always thank you fifty times for saving us from freezing to death and let you know just how warm we are in it before leaving and promising to wash it and give it back to you. And yes, we know that this hoodie is your favorite hoodie of all time and that it was probably a Christmas gift from your mom. We also know that said hoodie is probably the only hoodie that you hang up in your closet and is therefore clean. As opposed to your other non-fancy hoodies slung over that desk chair. If only you regularly did laundry you could have given us one of your other hoodies. Waaahhh waaahhhh wahhhhhh. It's funny because on cold days I regularly walk around sporting Chicago Cubs, USC, and Michigan State hoodies and could careless about any of those schools or teams (especially Michigan State, I HATE Michigan state - Go Buckeyes!) People are always trying to high five me or say something team or game related to me and I always reply that this sweatshirt is not mine and I don't know anything about it. If given a choice for my preference of sweatshirts to steal I would say anything Nike, Adidas, or some random surfwear company or zip up hoodies would be my favorites.

#2 Plain White T's

Guys have like 500 plain white t's so I see nothing wrong with stealing one to sleep in and take home as memorabilia of our night together. Lol, NOT! Actually most of the time I steal one of your plain white t's is because I drank heavily the night before and ended up spending the night with you; and in bonus news, you actually had something clean for me to put on and sleep in. Thank you for that! If combined with a pair of your boxer shorts you may also have saved me from drawing attention from your neighbors in a walk of shame in a sequined top and a mini-skirt. I do it all for you, can't have your neighbors thinking you're whoring around with whores, can we?

#3 Movies & Video Games

Have you noticed that guys have these incredible DVD libraries? I find myself browsing the DVD collections of boys the first time I go over to their house. You just want to know what they are into and sometimes their movie collection says a lot about a person. I almost always find a movie I have been dying to see and then ask to borrow it, said movie joins MY DVD collection the moment it comes home. Another thing I will borrow and not return in this same category is video games. These are the easiest to never return because once a boy has beaten the game they are usually uninterested in playing it and beating it again. So far the ONLY video game I have ever had to give back was Guitar Hero and that's because not only did I borrow the game but I borrowed both guitars, the playstation, and the memory card. I had it for about 8 months and Lilo borrowed it about 5 of those months. I'm thinking about starting an ebay business selling stolen video games, in fact I'm going to start asking if I can just have games from boys. Lilo, tell your roomie we need games.

What are your favorite items to borrow and never return from boys/girls you're involved with?