Monday, December 22, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Well this is what it said about Ted, the guy I was talking to:
This guy is a scam artist. He will act like he's madly in love with you to get in your pants and then you never hear from him again. He's fat and thinks he's hot. Sucks in bed. He's a loser. He is on every online dating site imaginable. He's full of himself and has no personality. Don't date him girl!!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
With that I will begin with my very first trip to Europe in May of 2002. I spent 5 days in Amsterdam with my boyfriend at the time, The Skipper. While Skipper is the greatest guy ever and we're still really great friends these days, he used to be a total asshole and would completely come un-glued at times. This is one of those times. This post is a novel and I would probably only read it if I was bored like I am now @ work.
After 5 days in Europe and being completely jet lagged and irritated with my less than stellar options of food choices in the Dam, Skip and I were ready to come home. The day our flight was to depart we were being good and responsible travelers who happened to be travel agents, we called the airline 6 hours before our flight to reconfirm that it was still taking off and that it was on-time. We were told yes, on time - so we made our way to the airport. Upon arriving at the airport and checking-in with the ticket counter we were handed a piece of paper in English letting us know that our flight from Amsterdam to Philly was delayed for 4 hours. How could this be? We just called and it was on time, oh well these things happen. With that we waited around 4 hours and tried to get the airline to re-protect us on the next later flight from Philly to LAX since the delay would cause us to miss our connection, we did not succeed and the Dutch were no help.
I should mention that this airline is by far THE WORST AIRLINE IN THE WORLD, I am qualified to say this because I am forced to deal with them in my line of work and know from experience. I should also mention that the only reason I was flying with them was because I won 2 free first class tickets to Europe and well any idiot wouldn't let those go to waste.
Once we are in flight and speaking with English speaking flight attendants we found out the airline lied to us and that the crew KNEW the flight had not even departed the US when we called to reconfirm. They felt bad that we spent 7 hours in the airport waiting for our flight and called ahead to Philly to make sure we were re booked on the next Philly to LAX flight. They told us how once we cleared customs UsAir agents would be waiting for passengers to help them make their connections. Lies, all lies. Once we got out of customs there was a congregation of all 300+ people from that flight all crowded around ONE agent at the service counter. We were fucked. Eventually we realized we were not going to make any flight back to LA that night so we were reaccomodated on a flight the following morning, given a voucher for a hotel room, and provided transportation to said hotel room.
We found out that the Clarion Hotel UsAir was putting us up in was not even in Philly, or in the state of Pennsylvania for that matter. We were being driven FORTY MINUTES AWAY from the Philadelphia airport to Cherry Hill, NEW JERSEY.
WTF? What a piece of shit airline that can't even bother to put us up in the same state as the airport! We were obviously pissed but what could we do? We certainly weren't going to pay to stay somewhere else when UsAir screwed us and made us miss our flight, plus we spent WAY TOO MUCH in Amsterdam. Whatever, we went to the stupid Clarion and roughed it, it was just ONE NIGHT. When the driver drops us off he tells us to call his company and tell them what time our flight is the next morning and they will pick us up and take us back to Philly. So we called them, set up a pickup time and crashed out for the night. Being in 2 different time zones waiting around is SO EXHAUSTING.
The next morning we checked out of the hotel and went downstairs to wait for our ride to the airport. We waited around for about 30 minutes and called the limo company to find out WHERE the hell our driver was because we were worried about missing ANOTHER flight and not getting home. They told us the driver left hours ago and should be there shortly. We called a cab in the meantime and were ready to go with whomever got there first. 15 minutes later (45 minutes later than our scheduled pickup time) an old beat up limousine pulls up and the guy jumps out to take our bags. I notice this young Asian man looks as though he has not slept in about 3 days, I then make the determination that he has definitely been up smoking meth for the past week. We get in the car and the Skipper starts in on the guy.
Skipper: Um do you know what time it is? Do you own a watch? I mean what happened, you were supposed to be here almost an hour ago?
Driver: You're lucky I even picked you guys up, I just found out about this job and besides we're billing the airline so I'm not even going to get paid for this ride for at least a month.
The driver then proceeds to make a U-turn on a MAJOR highway during rush hour traffic and pulls into a GAS STATION and proceeds to hop out and start pumping gas.
Me... thinking: Holy motherfuck Skip is going to lose his shit right now.
Skip: ARE YOU F-ING SERIOUS BRO? YOU REALLY JUST SHOWED UP 45 MINUTES LATE TO PICK US UP AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY GAS? WTF KIND OF OPERATION IS THIS? FOLLOWED BY A SLEW OF OBSCENITIES...
Driver gets in the car and IGNORES us and just gets on the freeway headed towards the airport. He then tells Skip and I that we will get there in time and not to hassle him.
Skip did not take too kindly to these remarks from our tweeked out driver. He grabs my cell phone, asks for the # to his supervisor and starts screaming at the supervisor re: everything that is not to his liking. The supervisor was an asshole and eventually starts making crackling noises and saying he can't hear him and it must be a poor connection before just HANGING UP. ON. SKIP.
I don't know that I had ever seen Skip so mad. He literally leapt from the back of the limo, through the window to the driver and grabbed his limo radio, turned it on, and started screaming "ATTENTION: STEPHANIE. THE SO-CALLED SUPERVISOR WHO JUST HUNG UP ON ME. YOU WILL BE PAYING OUR CHANGE FEES WHEN WE DO NOT MAKE THIS FLIGHT. This is the biggest piece of shit company I have ever had experience with! While your cracked out/tweeked out drivers are up all night trying to solve Rubik's Cube we are about to have to spend an extra day in this God forsaken town and you could really care less about it. What are YOU going to do for US?"
Supervisor: Screams back "Attention Driver, you do not have to continue to take this abuse. Terminate the ride."
The driver then pulled over on the side of the 76 freeway (or the 295, not sure) where there wasn't even a shoulder and tells us to GET OUT. I look at him and say fuck no I will NOT be getting out of this limo and he has lost his DAMN mind, I don't even know WHERE I AM!
Driver opens the trunk and proceeds to THROW my luggage on the side of the highway saying that "Fine, then my luggage will be on the side of the road."
So of course I jumped out of the limo as I am NOT about to leave my handbags on the side of the freeway. I am more mad than ever and pretty sure that I am going to kill Skip first and then break up with him. He knew I was fucking pissed, he grabbed our bags and was wheeling them WAY ahead of me as I was busy crying woe is me and how do these things happen to me?? What are we going to do? Call a cab and tell them we are SOMEWHERE on this freeway wheeling luggage, WE THINK?
So I broke out the camera and decided to take some pics:
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
The holidays are upon us and with that comes the holiday shakedown. Everywhere I go people are trying to shake me down for money. It used to only be in front of Target or the supermarket but now it's in all aspects of my life. Clients are sending me emails to donate to their charity, the owner of my company doesn't want a Christmas gift but would like me to donate to another charity, in lieu of an office secret santa gift exchange (which I don't ever participate in) we are donating to the red cross fire/disaster fund, and today we find out that my boss doesn't need anything but would like us to donate to a cancer research fund.
Where the fuck is my fund? How do I announce that I have a Loubou fund or the Ringleader's Maldives vacation Fund (Speaking of Maldives...Gravy Train HOW WAS IT? I'm SO JEALOUS!)
Ok now back to the
For example, the person in my office that is collecting donations for the 3 different charities we're encouraged to donate to is literally COLLECTING. Like a debt collector.
I also really love the donation list with everyone's first and last names followed by the amount they are donating that they pass around to everyone. I mean why can't we just slip our CHECKS in the ENVELOPE and then they can calculate it for a final donation? Because they want to pressure you into keeping up with the Joneses or the executives that can afford that $50 - $100 donation to help others. Those same people can also afford to buy their wives Loubous and afford to pay regular prices to go to the Maldives.
It's impossible to hold onto any money. I haven't even gotten paid and that shit is SPENT.
How do you guys deal with the holiday shakedown in addition to your regular holiday shopping and gift buying?
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
I think every guy just knows they will never see their sweatshirt again after letting a girl borrow it when she is cold. Eventually the girl is going to leave and there is NO WAY she is taking it off after getting so cozy and warm in it! We always thank you fifty times for saving us from freezing to death and let you know just how warm we are in it before leaving and promising to wash it and give it back to you. And yes, we know that this hoodie is your favorite hoodie of all time and that it was probably a Christmas gift from your mom. We also know that said hoodie is probably the only hoodie that you hang up in your closet and is therefore clean. As opposed to your other non-fancy hoodies slung over that desk chair. If only you regularly did laundry you could have given us one of your other hoodies. Waaahhh waaahhhh wahhhhhh. It's funny because on cold days I regularly walk around sporting Chicago Cubs, USC, and Michigan State hoodies and could careless about any of those schools or teams (especially Michigan State, I HATE Michigan state - Go Buckeyes!) People are always trying to high five me or say something team or game related to me and I always reply that this sweatshirt is not mine and I don't know anything about it. If given a choice for my preference of sweatshirts to steal I would say anything Nike, Adidas, or some random surfwear company or zip up hoodies would be my favorites.