Brown is the new blond

I suck at blogging lately. In fact, all of us suck at it right now. Lilo is slammed at her new job and with homework/school, and aside from that her boyfriend of almost two months is monopolizing all of her free time giving her no time to blog or update. However, she is still alive just too "busy" to hang out with anyone but her boyfriend. ShamWow has been busy busting her ass trying to sell as much stuff as possible at Showcase all month so she has plenty of cash for our Jamaica trip.

I don't know if it is a sign of the economy picking back up, but people seem to be spending more than they have in the past few months and because of that I am literally going insane at work! Seriously, work has never been crazier! I recently was assigned to a new $3 million account and am now handling entertainment and production travel which is a FAR CRY from boring corporate travel. Now I'm dealing with movie studios, actors/talent, directors, their weird quirks and freaky preferences and millions of changes ALL DAY LONG. Seriously, these people change their minds as often as they blink their eyes. I don't even have time to browse the internet or update my Facebook status during the day. I guess in the end it's good because I'm making money and am not worried about losing my job at this time. The only thing getting me through each and every day is knowing that in 43 days my ass will be planted in the sand with one hand holding a spliff, and the other holding a cocktail that may or may not have a festive umbrella in it.

As for my bikini ready bod, let's just say not so much. I have obviously hit a really gnarly plateau in my weight loss and am STUCK at a loss of 27 pounds since mid-January. The past 3 weeks I have lost NO WEIGHT AT ALL! I'm so goddamn frustrated it's not even funny. The worst part of all is that I've seriously stepped up my workouts and have pretty much cut alcohol out of my life except MAYBE once or twice a week (as opposed to drinking everyday like I was). I'm 20 pounds away from reaching my goal weight and I REALLY thought that I would be able to pull that off before Jamaica :( I'm realizing as each day creeps closer to my trip that my goal is going to be pretty much impossible to achieve. It's taking everything I have to not drown myself in a bottle of wine and use a quesadilla as my floatation device.

I've been needing a change for a while and had been toying around with coloring my hair and going dark again, but then worry I'll hate it because it's summertime and want to be blonder. I've been rocking the light brown hair and blond highlights for a while now and I'm just getting tired of it. I made an appointment w/my colorist last Saturday and after my fail weigh in, I decided I was definitely going dark. I don't know what it was but I was super emo after not losing any weight AGAIN and I just figured dark hair and emo would be a good combo. My colorist didn't want to do it, tried talking me out of it, but I did it anyways and I'll admit I'm actually pretty happy with my new darker locks. If I had a decent pic of my new hair I would post it but I haven't really done anything lately and taken any pics.

In other news, I FINALLY had sex again - HALLELUJAH! After almost a 2 month hiatus, I swallowed my pride and actually agreed to meet Jason for drinks followed by sex at my place. I pretty much set it up as a straight up booty call, I mean I need to get some action somehow and he's repeat business so I'm not adding anymore notches to my bed, so what is the harm? I've determined that he is totally wasting my time when trying to make date plans, he's definitely NOT boyfriend material (HELLO he doesn't travel or take vacation and that will NOT work for me) and aside from that he is really flaky and "busy" and I just don't have time for that shit. So we'll see how the straight up booty call situation works with him, no plans just a phone call and a 10 minute drive for him to get to my place. Something tells me he will end up failing at this too.

Lilo & ShamWow

Are my bitches <3

Vendage and The Red Truck Pinot Noir have not a Goddamn thing to do with it.*

Exactly 6 weeks from today we'll be "Jammin" and I'm so excited that I'm admitting that I'm FTG in advance.

* this was decided after my 1st bottle drink/glass of wine this week.

Thanks for coming out.

The Ringmessleader

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Things That Make Lilo Happy and NOT Fake Smile

Lilo's arrival into Jamaica was a little bit different from mine, but the end result of her trip to Jamaica was pretty much the same as mine - she loves it! Not only that but she takes it a step further than me; Lilo intends on getting married in JA, when that day comes.

We went to JA in April '07 and since we picked April, we made sure we were there to celebrate 4/20 and it was GLORIOUS. At the time, I was burned out and in need of a comeback, and that is just what a trip to Jamaica is for. Seeing how Lilo rolls the best blunts/joints out of any of my friends, she won the friend lottery and I chose to take her with me on what would be Lilo's first trip out of the country...Of course I knew this would require some pretty serious preparation, like a complete run down of what she needs to know, things she might not need to know but feels more comfortable knowing just in case, as well as just how much Dramamine she should pack, seeing how we hadn't planned on hopping aboard a cruise ship or any other boat for that matter.

When our flight arrived in Montego Bay, I was grinning ear to ear and ready to get my JA on. Lilo had informed me that she tends to swell on flights and when we were landing she seemed to be in some sort of pain that I could not relate to or understand. I kept smiling at her and saying how glor this was going to be, just wait! Then I looked over at her and she was CRYING!! Yes, CRYING BRO! The only words I could muster in my best Tom Hanks voice was "There's NO CRYING in Jamaica!" Apparently her appendages had swollen and she was wearing a ring on her finger that she could not remove which was cutting off circulation. Once she deflated, everything was cool and we were en route to our resort.

When it comes to actual vacationing, Lilo is real simple as far as what she plans to do. Prior to this vacation, her goals were simply to drink, sleep, and work on her tan. As long as those things were accomplished she would be happy. I'd say that within 30 mins of arriving at our resort, Lilo was the happiest I have EVER seen her in my life. Free flowing booze, view of the ocean from anywhere she stood, ganja readily available, and the option to get curly fries or an ice cream cone anytime she wants? One word - SOLD! I saw a side of Lilo I had never seen before, she sounded and reminded me of a giggly schoolgirl always smiling and skipping. At one point I even commented on the fact that I never realized how many teeth she has! I've obviously seen her smile before, but this was a whole different smile... It made me realize that every other time I had seen her smile, she was fake smiling! You can't fake smile in Jamaica, it's like fake smile detecting serum.

By day 2, Lilo had the lay of the land down and without a doubt had made herself at home. She was totally adjusted to island time and was basking in the fact that she had nowhere to be and nothing in particular to do. As Lilo had no real plans in Jamaica, she sort of stuck to an outline of what she likes to call "Things that make me happy." It was basically a rotating list of things she enjoys doing so at any point if she felt bored or felt like doing something she would choose from that list. At one point, it got to be ridiculous hearing Lilo say: This makes me happy, that makes me happy, and you know what REALLY makes me happy? I finally told her to shut it and to only advise me of things that make you sad and nothing made her sad except the fact that they ran out of curly fries for about 20 minutes one day.

When we got back from Jamaica, Lilo's departner sent me an e-mail saying how Lilo needs to go to Jamaica more often, that she was STILL smiling, and just generally delightful to deal with...as opposed to her normal joy that exudes in the form of yelling, pointing, and snapping. She even made all of our friends come over to her apartment and watch a slideshow of our pictures on her tv while she narrated. It was awesome.

A typical day for Lilo in Jamaica:

1. Wake up just before the breakfast buffet is over and poach as many fresh chocolate chip croissants as possible. Bring croissants back to the room and go back to sleep for another hour.

2. Put on bikini, lube up with sunblock, grab a rum punch from the bar and decide what to do.

3. Frolic on the beach, in the pool, or in the ocean in any order she likes and sees fit.

4. Go down the waterslide and then get curly fries or curly fries and then waterslide?

5. Spark up a spliff down by da beach mon.

6. Steal bottles of champagne.

7. Get dressed up and take pictures frolicking and of the sunset.

8. Rinse, lather, repeat.

Some photographic evidence of how she spends her day:

Not fake smiling

Drinking


Frolicking


Skipping:

Stealing Bottles of Champagne:


Curly fries or go down the slide?? Hmmm.

Just because they heart us in Jamaica, they make your fried rice look like this:


If you're interested, here are some more random pics from JA.

Life is Like a Maraton...Keep Running

I'm tired.... my neck hurts...my back too... and I'm bloated!!! Basically just feeling like total CRAP! Oh yeah, and taxes due, and God forbid I get any money back. I'm pissed, and all I can think about is FML, FML, FML and then more FML, FML, FML! Then of course, to my surprise, a good one, I was sportin' the red ribbon. At this point, I am sort of understanding why I hate my life so much, but I'm too far deep to stop my self-loathing pity party!

As I go to the bathroom to open up the box of Playtex, I notice a little message on the wrapper.... "Life is like a marathon... keep running" I re-read it again, shake my head and say "FUCK YOU" to the wrapper!!! Run??? RUN WHERE?????? What fuckin' girl starts sportin' and thinks.. " I should keep running"??? Let's be honest, the only place I'm running is to the store for more pons, midol, or alcohol... or all of the above. Life is like a marathon.... whose??? Last time I checked, in life they don't block off all the streets so you can just keep running with out any interruptions..... And last time I check MY life... when I get thirsty, nobody is on the sideline running next to me with a glass of red wine? So fuck the marathon!

Later I go to the bathroom, and the next wrapper says "Practice makes perfect"Practice what??? At this point I just start pulling all the pons out of the box to read all the other crap: "Go play. Have fun. Trust your tampon" Trust what? A piece of cotton with a string?? "Focus. Focus. Focus"....On what, how bloated my belly looks?? "Keep your eye on the ball"... That actually made me laugh, because there are NO balls in sight!!

"Practice your victory speech"... Well, since I felt like a bloated, beaten, red-headed, step-child.. I couldn't possibly think of a victory speech... but maybe a little letter to Playtex...

Dear Platex,

Could you please give me the name of the skinny bitch who thought of this idea to put workout slogans on your tampon wrappers. I have a feeling she weighs under 100 pounds, goes to the gym at least twice a day and is so tiny that she only gets her period once... maybe twice a year. If you can't find her at the office, maybe look in the workout room?? If not, maybe in the ladies bathroom voming her lunch?

Enough about her. I had some great ideas for new slogans on the outside of the tampon wrappers...

1. "Please tuck the string in if you plan on getting in a bikini""
2. "Make sure your vibrator has batteries.... It's that time of the month"
3. "After you get wasted tonight, please remember to take me out"
4. "Lucky bitch, you ain't pregnant"

Once You Go, You Know

When I was in high school, I began working at this travel agency as an after school and summer job. One of the jobs I did was stocking brochures to different travel destinations and because of that, I spent a lot of time studying pictures, learning about different countries, and adding destinations to my list of places to visit one day.

For some reason, I always kept going back to one brochure and reading it a million times, it was the brochure for Sandals Negril in Jamaica. For some reason, out of all of the destinations in the world, I was magically drawn to the famous 7 Mile White Sand Beach in Negril. I remember the two phrases that sold me on it, they were:

"Take a stroll on Negril's famous 7 mile white sand beach, where the only footprints in the sand are your own."

"Be as active as you want...or do nothing better than it has ever been done"

Obviously, I don't vacation to be active and the fact that they welcome and encourage you to NOT do a damn thing? Where do I sign up?

When I was 22 years old, the opportunity presented itself and my boyfriend and I set off for Jamaica. At the time, the airport was small and not all that high-tech; they didn't have things like jet ways and well, the airport wasn't enclosed. When your flight landed in Jamaica, you would deplane right on the tarmac and walk into a little room/area for customs and immigration. When I stepped off the plane and down the stairs onto the tarmac, I remember inhaling a deep breath of the island air and just knowing I was somewhere special.

I was filled with emotion from the moment I stepped foot in that country. I had traveled to many tropical islands before this but, there was something different within me, something I noticed with that very first breath of air I took when I landed. Whatever it was, I couldn't put my finger on it, but it felt like I was supposed to be there, or maybe that I had been there and I was experiencing a return to something familiar...it was some sort of Lost-like Déjà vu. I never really had much of an opinion about reincarnation, but the closest way to describe how I felt was that this place gave me the feeling that I had lived there before in a past-life.

I literally was beaming my way through customs/immigration and even during the 3 hour drive to the resort, I could not stop smiling. The Jamaican people were so warm and friendly, and have the most amazing personalities, they seemed to just know how I felt. The first native that I spoke to outside of the airport asked me if it was my first time in JA, when I said "Yes." He looked me in the eye, reached out to pound fists with me, and said "Welcome home, mon."

Home. He was right. I was home. The moment I entered the resort, I was handed a cold glass of champagne to enjoy en route to my room. I took my shoes off and took my first steps in the soft powdery sand, it felt like stepping in flour. I looked down and indeed, my footprints were the only ones in the sand. I walked along the Caribbean Sea as the sun began to set, all I heard was the sound of the waves and the beat of Bob Marley. For seven glorious days, every step I took was to the beat of Bob Marley; in my head "Jammin" was on repeat and I walked to that beat everywhere I went. Could it have had something to do with the abundance of fresh ganja, rum, and Red Stripe on tap? Maybe, but I think it was deeper than that.

To put it simply, Jamaica warms my soul, touches my heart, and strengthens my spirit. No other place I have visited manages to break down every wall I have and fill me with sunshine.

I was chatting up a Rasta man and he asked me how my stay was going, to which I replied that I was really enjoying myself and the time in JA. First, he told me that I should have "full joy" because to "enjoy" is not to have "full joy," to enjoy takes away from the full joy one should have, I never thought of it that way. He taught me what it means to be irie, and that was the best definition of how I felt and how I feel when I'm in Jamaica. I never forgot what he said to me, 2 years ago I took Lilo to Jamaica and when I saw him raking the sand, we stopped off to talk to him and I told him how we were both irie and full of joy. He was genuinely happy that I remembered him and that his words meant something to someone.

The reason I'm writing about Jamaica today is because it's all I can think about. I am headed back home in June for my 7th trip to Jamaica. Not only that, but I am mobbing to Jamaica and I'm bringing 8 friends with me. Lilo and her boyfriend, ShamWow and her sister, two of my girls Dia and D, and two of my guy friends. We're spending an entire week in paradise and I'm so excited to be able to share Jamaica with them and go back with Lilo again!

Tomorrow I'm going to dedicate a post to Lilo and how her first trip to Jamaica played a huge part in the evolution of Lilo. It changed her right before my own eyes.

Some pics from my travels to Jamaica:

Call the Plumber/Reach for the Draino, These Pipes Are Clogged!

So, after 7 years of being on SexCATRAZ my devotion to only one man was ovaaaaaah! Let the fun begin! I knew if I didn't get back in the saddle right away, years would have passed - best way to get over a man is under another one, right? Okay, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration, years wouldn't have passed (hopefully) but I was free, and these legs wings wanted to be spread! Before my re-introduction to the single world, there were a few things that needed to be done. First, I had to lose that extra 10lbs that Richard never wanted me to lose. Second, hair needed to be blonder and I needed that healthy glow, so time for a tan! I was almost ready. Now, time to dust off the shoe boxes with my stilettos and break out with my old "date" tops... which didn't work... so I had to buy new ones. FML.

Since I was on Facebook, I was beginning to "reunite" with old friends, which was nice! Of course every once in awhile I got friended by some annoying ones, uggghhhhhh! Then I discovered you can click a button and not get any of their notifications.... GENIUS! But, I digress.

One day, I got a friend request from Blake, we went to high school together for one year (9th grade). He was cute, tall, quiet, and nerdy... but nice. You see, back then I was hot and dating seniors so him and I just weren't on the same page, but still friends. After his friend request he sent a message that asked "How have you been? I just remember every boy at school had a crush on you." I secretly blushed, looked up at his pics and thought - he's still cute AND grown up, hmmmm??? I responded that the Ringleader and I were going to hang out and he said he's been meaning to meet up with her, so we set up a date at the local bar near his house.

Conversation was fun and eventually we landed back at his place... tipsy. Okay, drunk. He was a gentlemen and offered to sleep on the couch so I could get the bed. Sweet, but I had an agenda on my mind...and body ;)

One thing lead to another, he was an AMAZING kisser and we do the dirty, I'll admit, I was pretty wasted. I definitely enjoyed it but didn't remember EVERY detail! The next morning, we woke up and had morning sex, I mean why not? I enjoyed it even more and I realized probably a little more than him... but honestly I'm a selfish bitch. I wasn't too worried about him plus, I had to go to work and was late again!!!

For date #2, he invited me over to his house and planned to cook me dinner. This was totally new for me, but so sweet that I enjoyed the change. The dinner was mediocre, although of couse I raved about how delicious it was! After dinner, we watched some movie and then one thing led to another and there we go again! Now, I wasn't drunk at this point and in NO rush to go anywhere, plus I wanted to actually enjoy myself and remember all the details! After going at it for awhile, my bizmess was done. But, I'm a team player so I kept going.... and going.... then sweating..... then cramping... Wait, now I'm tired! Let's wrap this up!! How long can this man possibly take?? Did he take something??? Am I going to have a "cock burn" on my Britney?? Wait, am I just that out of shape??? It seemed like we had been going for hours and I hit my breaking point...

Me: "Are you going to cum?"

Blake: "I DON'T!"

WTF? In a split second we went from being on a steamy episode of The Bachelor to being on Love Line... and I was playing Dr. Drew! Okay, forget the fact that we're naked, on the couch, and the movie is on ... can someone stop the music?? I was confused.

Me: "EVER??"

Now Blake is almost 30 years old, and he said he has only cum once?!?!?! So of course I keep going with this...

Me: "So you've only cum ONE time in your whole life???"

Blake replied "Well, with a girl..."

So in my head that means he jacks off all the time, right??? I mean, I assume he doesn't mean he's cum with a dude! Then I ask if he's ever talked to a doctor about this and he kinda laughed like why would he need to? It was at that point that I really felt bad for him, I mean this is a big deal! Well, for me it is. I like to know that a man is being satisfied, wouldn't you???? Then, I can't let it go; I'm disappointed but intrigued all at the same time, and it's kind of like watching a trainwreck! So we talk more about it, and I realize that I think this is a HUGE deal, and he thinks it's not that big of an issue! Ladies, he had the issue, and this newly single bitch didn't have the TISSUE!!!

It was at this point, that I truly CAME to my senses and I knew nothing would never CUM out the way I wanted.

Have you ever known someone with this problem? I mean NEVER being able to bust with a partner?

Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man

A few weeks ago, I was catching up on all the tv shows on my DVR and came across a Steve Harvey appearance on the Tyra Show, he was promoting his book "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man." I had no idea he was an author and certainly didn't know he was any sort of relationship expert but found myself intrigued by what he had to say and watched the entire episode. He had some great insight on men and women and how we act in relationships and what he had to say just made sense. I forced my Roomie watch the episode the following day and she agreed with everything he was saying and went out and bought his book for us!

I finished reading the book last night, it took me about 2 1/2 hours to read it cover to cover. Once I started reading the book, I couldn't put it down. It was full of really logical information about men, how they think, feel, and love and written in a way that just makes sense. There are SO MANY THINGS us ladies do to make everything about relationships so incredibly complicated! And boy does he break down men and just how simple they are about just about everything! I found it to be a real no nonsense approach to finding out where you stand in a relationship and how to get what you want from your man.

One of the things that shocked me a bit was how Steve Harvey used his love of fishing for his philosophy that men will treat women like one of these two things: a sports fish or a keeper. The definition of Sports Fish really should have a picture of the Ringleader next to it apparently! I was pretty shocked to read this and go WOW this is me...

A Sports Fish:

Doesn't have any rules, requirements, respect for herself (I DO! I SWEAR!), or guidelines, and we men can pick up her scent a mile away. She's the party girl who takes a sip of her Long island Iced Tea or a shot of her Patron, then announces to her suitor that she just "wants to date and see how it goes," and she's the conservatively dressed woman at the office who is a master at networking, but clueless about how to approach men. She has no plans for any ongoing relationships, is not expecting anything in particular from a man, and sets absolutely not nary one condition or restriction on anyone standing before her - she makes it very clear that she's just along for whatever is getting ready to happen. For sure, as soon as she lets a man know through words and action that he can treat her just any old kind of way, he will do just that. Men will stand in line to sign up for that, believe me.

A Keeper:

Never gives in easily, and the standards/requirements start from the moment you open your mouth. See, she understands her power and wields in like a samurai sword. She commands - not demands - respect, just by the way she carries herself. You can walk up to her and give her your best game, and while she may be impressed by what you say, that's no guarantee that she's going to let the conversation go any further, much less give you her phone number and agree to give you some of her valuable time. Men automatically know from the moment she opens her mouth that if they want her, they'll have to get in line with her standards and requirements, or keep it moving because she's done with games and isn't interested in playing.

I am NOT willing to be someone's plaything or content being that girl on a string! I'm definitely going to work on sending the right signals to these boys so they know they're going to have to move onto the next woman for a little more sport fishing! Needless to say I walked away from the book with some new knowledge and I plan on applying it to get rid of the current boy who is wasting my time, as well as the next one who approaches me!

Ladies, I found this book to be so helpful and I really enjoyed reading it. Check it out for yourself!

Browse inside "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man"

Scaling the Heights of Absurdity

For years I had a long-term and amazing booty call with the most ridiculous sized package ever... hence the reason I kept him around so long. No matter how long it had been since we last saw each other, once we made the phone call and met in person, it was on! We had this really great chemistry and a mutual attraction we shared with no one else. I definitely considered myself to be a lucky girl, not only was he a reliable booty call, but hot damn he had the tools and knew how to use them.

In the past two years he has been in a committed relationship, so him and I don't really see much each other. It's pretty much impossible for me to be around him and refrain from jumping his bones or being inappropriate, so I try to keep him out of sight when he is off limits. It obviously doesn't stop me from referring to his junk or telling my friends the wondrous stories of my time spent with it, but that is because I knew that the day would come when most of my newer friends would meet him and see the bulge in person. This is something I needed to prepare them for...

Every year I see him at the San Gennaro Italian festival as he is one of the organizers and sponsors of the event. The past two years my friends have had the pleasure of meeting him and it's always really funny when I point it out to them. You see, this guy wears baggy jeans, not super baggy but pretty damn loose fitting and I swear once you notice the bulging junk in his pants it's impossible to take your eyes off of it. IMPOSSIBLE.

So last year we're all hanging out eating some italian food and talking, obviously my eyes go right to the prize and I just can't stop staring. It's mind boggling to me how this thing can even fit in his pants but at the same time I can't understand it because his pants are LOOSE!?!? You can't help but stare and ponder the logistics of working with junk like that, I mean finding pants that even fit you in the midsection must be a son of a bitch!

Of course after I see and stare at it, I have to look over at one of my friends and say "You know what I told you about the junk, right?" and then give them the nod to take a look at the boy. I kid you not, peoples eyes start to bug out of their head and then they are stuck staring at it. It's like watching a trainwreck, or talking to someone with a really gnarly mole on their face, no matter what you do you cannot stop staring at it! It's hugely distracting and as soon as I pointed it out to my friends I watched as all of them saw it and then attempted to NOT look at it. It's actually impossible and I have since been advised to NEVER point it out again to anyone, and especially NOT to one of my friends who's boyfriend is sitting right next to her.

The entire day was filled with commentary about the "mountain of junk" or "the heaping pile of massive junk" along with question after question about HOW you could break out with dome on something that size? Or did it ever manage to rupture my spleen and poke a few kidneys when handling the business? Are there only certain angles you could work with? The questions were endless and I can understand why! I too had these same questions and fears at first, now I'm just used to it and you just know how to work with it. One of my friends was absolutely terrified and worried that her man would catch her scoping it out. I told her then DON'T look but it really was impossible not to when this thing is trying to break out and stare you down from 6 feet away! I almost got punched in the face a few times because of it, but how could I not share and point it out? I mean it's not everyday you get to lay claim to the unicorn of junk, right?

Things like this really make me think I'm like a 13 year old boy trapped in a 30 year old girl's body. I mean, does anyone outside of Beavis and Butthead discuss this sort of thing and point it out to their friends?