Move Bitch, Get Out the Way

There are just some things that really just plain PISS ME OFF. I could be in the best mood ever, and when these certain things happen? I stop, stare, and say to myself "Really... Really... Are you fucking kidding me???"

In no particular order:

1. Cold fries from McDonald's. If I wanted cold fries, I would have eaten the fries left over in my fridge from the day before! Or, if I actually polished those off, I would have opened the freezer and took a bite out of a frozen one! Make them fresh or use a damn HEAT LAMP!

2. When I get my legs waxed and they leave wax/hair on my leg. Listen ladies, if I wanted a sloppy job, I so could have done that myself! I mean, if that is what you do for a living, be good at it!

3. In the bathroom and the toilet seat is UP. It's just annoying and disgusting all at the same time. Now, not only do I have to get toilet paper to put the seat down, but I get to see the base of the seat which is filled with all sorts of urine drops and the occasional PUBE... put the seat BACK down, and AIM good!

And last but not least #4:
When you see a quality guy/potential husband walking with a DOG! Those little 4 legged things that bark are okay... But, I'm talking about the girl he is with!

I don't want to name anyone specific, but since this is the BAD GIRLS guide to Glory... I'm talking about the BITCH who is dating the hot successful guy next door! He is very good looking, has a great personality, is successful, and definitely marriage material! She is boring, boring, and oh yeah.. Booooooooring! I've meet her probably 6 or 7 times, and I just can't even remember her name for the life of me, because she is nothing to even remember! Then I'm reminded when I'm bitching about the BITCH, that her and I have the same name! That is how boring she is, I can't even remember her name and we have the same name!

So, she's ugly.... and boring. And on a realistic scale, I would probably put her at a 5 (and two of those DON'T make a 10)
I would put him about a solid 8.5 to 9
So where is she making this 3.5 to 4 point difference?

I can only think of one thing... BEDROOM??

Since when do hot guys allow ugly bitches to sleep with them...AND keep them around afterwards?

Does this Dog know some tricks that I don't??

Is the owner just trying to help keep our Earth a green place... he obviously knows he needs to keep the lights off with this "ruff-ruff" in bed.

It's not going to be easy to get rid of this dog... throwing a bone, probably won't work.

I'm open to suggestions ladies....

(And knocking on his door has already been done.... Jogging in the morning has been tried)

The Mean Girls' Next Door??

ShamWow and myself (the two single Mean Girls) have really been working to expand our social and dating horizons lately. We already have a pretty full and active social calendar and are constantly going out and meeting new people, but we just haven't had any luck meeting any new boys with any real potential. We have a bagillion friends who have a million friends and I swear it seems like we have met EVERYONE connected to everyone, yet all of the guys we already know/have met are in the "friend zone" with no possibility of romance pretty much ever.

So lately, rather than laying out drinking margarita's with our usual clique in the black hole (aka ShamWow's house), we've been taking other friends up on their offers to go out with the hopes of meeting new boys. Last night, two of our girls, Miss Communication and Capt Pants who are over at Whoremotions invited us out to a birthday party at Lola's. It was open bar and it was all dudes, how could we go wrong?? Everyone was really nice and it was definitely fun to meet some new people! There were a ton of guys, and although we just got to know some of these people, there could definitely be some potential in this group, at the very least we made some good contacts and connections!

Oh yeah, and because we went last night...we scored invites to party tomorrow night at none other than, THE PLAYBOY MANSION. Now, I've lived in LA my whole life and have NEVER gotten to go to the Playboy Mansion, so basically I am stoked beyond belief! Well, stoked about everything EXCEPT WTF AM I GOING TO WEAR?? And don't say nothing or you will get virtually punched in the face. It's a jammie jam/lingerie party and I'll be honest, I might have lost about 30 pounds but I am in NO SHAPE to be parading around in a bra and panties! Nor do I have anything that is jammie related that I'm willing to wear out in public so that I can be compared to anorexic playmate's and bunnies. I can see it now, someone photographs the event and the next thing you know my picture is posted on The Dirty with some sort of Shamu caption and a note how Playboy is working hard to save the whales.

I. WOULD. DIE

So what the hell am I going to wear? I'm pretty sure this means I'm going to have to go shopping...

De La WhoreYA

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I will be turning the dirty 30 this year, and it'll be oh so dirty! My past has been that and then some but thank GOD it was not me on the "dirty" side!

After high school, a friend of a friend asked me if I wanted to pass out flyers for a night club and get paid $50.00 for an hour or two of work. After checking my calendar of babysitting, shopping, and drinking 40's, I was available so I said yes...and that is where my "Body Shop Chronicles" began...

I'm about 5'4 and at the time, a size 2/4. It was around 2000, Britney just had her first hit "Hit me baby one more time" and people would always tell me I looked just like her. Let's just say I was no dog paddling for the step... if you catch my drift.

As I went to help my friend pass out flyers, I was befriended by the "Grim Reaper" or "Walking corpse" and also known as "Aboud." Aboud was responsible for all of the hired talent for the famous Strip Club on Sunset Blvd. Unfortunately for him, I actually graduated high school, was currently in college, and had a pretty high self esteem, so his "YOU DANCE FOR ME" just really wasn't a tempting offer for a girl like me. So, after an hour or so of "wood chopping" at the tree that was me, his next question/demand was, "YOU WAITRESS."

And so I did, I "waitressed" and I made BANK! I paraded around wearing all black, charged pervs for waters and sodas and made great money! It really was the jackpot of part-time jobs and I literally thanked the sweet baby Jesus for this hook up, you know because Jesus and strip clubs go hand-in-hand, right?

So, I already mentioned it was the hottest strip club in all of Los Angeles and located in a prime spot on the Sunset Strip. I would regularly serve TONS of CELEBS, and trust me I will get to those stories later on, but for now, I have only ONE fight and the gloves are ON!!!!

This boxer, Oscar de la WHOREYA (who is married and had just won a fight) comes in with his entourage. I hook him and his 6 or 7 peeps up with drinks, and when I say drinks...I mean "special" drinks." I smile, flirt, act like I care...and wait...and wait some more... AND WAIT... and then look at my watch... and stand! At this point, minutes had passed and nothing... NO TIP?? So, I walk away and sit and muster as to what the FUCK just happened???? I looked cute, gave them "stiff" drinks and waited, and nothing! He went and did his thing in the back "area" (aka the champagne room) and left! In my head, I was thinking "PEACE OUT, LOSER!"

So, a week goes by and guess who and his pussy posse comes in? Yup Oscar and the same guys. So, I'm a fighter and I think that last week must have been a fluke. So I smile, flirt, and give some "special" drinks again and get the same response... NADA.. ZIP.. ZILCH.. ZERO.... NO TIP! Last time I checked, I didn't work for free! He does his same routine as always, but this time he takes the dancer to a "special" place (aka owners office) and leaves like a happy camper after a s'mores roast. She walked away like her face had gotten a little too close to the fire, she was all red, and full of glee - classic star fucker face! I might not have noticed but, I was so BUTT hurt after NO tip! I saw EVERYTHING! And he was married... so a cheap pervert???? Does it get any worse?????

Not even a week later, and guess who strolls in again? Oscar de laDOUCHE. Yeah, I'm not a quitter, but I'm not stupid either. It's at this point that I realize he's not tipping me because I'm a "white" girl, so I insisted that the hispanic girl who worked with me try waiting on him, because he would for sure take care of her, right? And I was wrong, he gave her nothing and treated her the same way he did me.

Nude ladies, a "special" drink, and special VIP "room/office" wasn't enough for him, HE'S CHEAP!!!

I'm not sure whether or not he actually got the whores # after his 3rd visit, or if he found someone else, but he did not return again. In 2002, I got free tickets to see Oscar fight Vargas in VEGAS! It was a great reason to go and cheer on someone else, plus it's VEGAS! I sat down next to a FAT, DISGUSTING, mole of a man, who of course was cheering for the Cheap Perv, GREAT! And yes, the WHOReYA won afterall and I was pissed! To this day, I still haven't gotten over it. I don't know why but cheap just stays with me!

I guess it's one thing to deal with a man that is a pervert or scum bag... but when he's CHEAP on top of all of that??? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO???????

So I decided to tell you all what a douche this guy is as well as post these really cute pics of him.

The Princess Doesn't Fall Far From The Queen

All winter long she wore her tan crochet Ugg boots, tan ultra suede purse with fringe and leggings of course! Now that the weather has warmed up, for us in sunny Los Angeles, she's in her Michael Kors jellies and when she's not wearing those she is in her Guiseppe Zanotti inspired t-strap flats with the satin flower in between the toes and her new orange purse with a glitter peace sign! Her style is pretty much the same. If it's not pink, it has sequins. Although she has some great pieces of clothing, she sometimes gets a little too excited and shoots for "Samantha" from Sex in the City, but her mix and matching looks more like Punky Brewster. ( I never have the heart to tell her)

Ladies, we can all say that we are spoiled to some extent...... but sometimes its just way overboard!

While I'm doing loads of laundry, she's soaking in a bubble bath probably thinking how the damn world revolves around her!! When we go out, she tends to get a lot of attention, she's a huge flirt and a great ice-breaker when cute boys are around. So... I deal with her.

Then there are times I have to draw the line. I draw this imaginary line that on one side sits my pride, dignity, and the thought that maybe "part" of the world revolves around me; the other side of the line is HER. She can be bossy, rude, and just plain inconsiderate. She sometimes makes me feel like I'm her personal bitch, not to mention chauffeur, WTF??? When she acts this way, I want to say "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR!!!!" It's at this point I realize, I CAN'T! I can't because that would require me to pull over on the side of the road, un-buckle her, carry her out and leave her on the side of the road... and can someone REALLY do that to their 3 1/2 year old kid?? (If so please privately email me the way) I actually haven't researched this, but I'm pretty sure it's illegal!

So, with Richard... or shall we say "DICK" out of the picture, I've got the full responsibility of: taking care of a kid, running my own business, and trying to have a little fun in my life in the meantime. At this point, I guess you could say I'm a "juggler," but with NO BALLS... literally! As hard as it is sometimes to deal with everything, it's just that much more rewarding at other times. I mean... I can't knock my own kid... all winter long I wore my metallic Ugg boots with leggings, and now that it's hot.. I'm wearing my Stuart Weitzman jellies! So, I guess the princess doesn't fall too far from the QUEEN!