Fashion Faux FAIL

I've been going out quite a bit lately (as most of my friends have birthdays that fall during the summertime) and I cannot understand what the hell people are thinking when they look in the mirror and decide to walk out, in that outfit! It's also more than just being a slob and not caring what you look like when you leave the house for a beer run or a quick 4th meal mission. As we all know, I'm guilty of rocking pajama pants to the supermarket at 3pm on a Sunday and Lilo will PROUDLY strut her stuff in boxer shorts and a wife beater w/no bra while carrying my Fendi handbag through the McDonald's drive-thru for a life saving cheeseburger meal. For us, it's pure laziness and the fact that we really don't expect to see anyone on these little outings, and we certainly.

These people I'm referring to actually spend time getting ready/planning these outfits, and proudly strut their stuff as if people are going to ask them "Who are you wearing tonight?" Or maybe they think someone will mistake them for a stylist and ask for their business card, I don't know.

Sequins: Anyone who knows me, knows that I have very strict rules when it comes to wearing sequins. This doesn't apply to a few strategically placed sequins on a dress/top/etc or a tiny little cluster of sequins on something. This applies to fully sequined dresses or outfits where the majority of fabric is covered in sequins. In my book, you are allowed to wear sequins only on 3 occassions:

1. Vegas - Feel free to dress yourself from head to toe in sequins when in Vegas. IF you want to walk around looking like a human disco ball, be my guest. I will even walk around WITH you and will pretend that I know you! Vegas = Sequins, attention, and in general 'look at me' so if you are looking to make that sort of statement then I will support it as long as it is within reason.

2. Your Birthday - If it is YOUR birthday, you are welcome to wear sequins. It is your day and all about you and if you want all eyes on you and find a fab sequin party dress, please feel free to wear it. I will still attend your birthday party and I will even take a picture with you that you can feel free to post on Facebook or wherever else you desire to post it.

3. New Years Eve - If you're going to a fab NYE party or club or whatever, rock the hell out of the sequin party dress! NYE is all about sparkle and over-the-top NOTICE ME so we can make out at midnight dresses! While you're at it go ahead and put on a stupid Happy New Year hat and 2010 glasses. It's acceptable because it's New Years and everyone wants to get dressed up, look their best, and have a good time.

It is NOT acceptable to wear a sequin party dress when going to a club in Hollywood. Unless you're a celebrity walking the red carpet into a private soiree, you need not be wearing disco ball sequined mini dresses in Hollywood. You look like a damn fool walking up sunset in your sequin tube dress and matching sequin evening bag that you borrowed from your mom. STOP IT. Not only do you look ridiculous, but you also run the risk of getting heckled by me when I'm driving down Sunset dressed appropriately. I've been known to roll my windows down and scream "I hope it's your birthday because this ain't Vegas and it sure as hell isn't New Years Eve!"

Last night, Lilo and I were lucky enough to see No Doubt in concert, which was AMAZINGLY FAMOUS! Aside from the show being so grand, the fashions of those in attendance was nothing short of embarrassing. I don't know what it is about Gwen Stefani, but girls seem to think they can put their own outfits together and imitate Gwen or what they think Gwen would be impressed by using their own personal style. People were dressed in the most ridiculous pieces put together with more ridiculous pieces, painted by a MAC makeup artist in training, and slathered in blood red lipstick. It was a HUGE FAIL in the fashion department.

The FAIL Kitty: Wearing a leopard print unitard with black Ugg boots, the most peroxide platinum hair, and wet n wild's reddest white trash lipstick. This leopard print unitard is just straight unacceptable. To make matters worse, it looked a little worn...as if this was her go-to outfit that she went-to far too many times. This broad was beat looking. Not even the Shitty Kitty would hire her. And don't even get me started on the Ugg boots! I HAAAAAATE Ugg boots in general and the ONLY time you will catch me wearing them is in FREEZING temperature when traveling in Europe or the mountains where I don't stand the chance of seeing anyone who would recognize me.

The FAIL Dad: Wearing his sunglasses indoors. His poor little tween daughter forced to deal with his obsessive JUMPING and WAVING at Gwen while rotating his sunglasses from being positioned on his forehead above his eyes/resting on his eyebrows or wearing them over his eyes, indoors, in a dark arena. Did I mention how he was JUMPING around like a friggin idiot and doing his best to call attention to himself? Waving and re-positioning his sunglasses so he could look "cool" - bro was ANYTHING but cool.

Bikini top FAIL: I'm thinking this girl was no older than 14 years old and I'm pretty sure this is NOT how she left the house last night. I turn around and there she is wearing a turquoise string bikini top and jeans, with the pre-requisite black studded belt. Has this ever been OK? To go out and plan to wear a bikini top with jeans? It's one thing to wear a bikini somewhere and maybe slip jeans on afterwards, but usually you put a goddamn shirt on as well?!?! I know Gwen has been known to rock the bikini top over a wife beater or just rock a bikini top but that is because she is a rock star and she is on stage in costume. Last I checked going to a concert was not an invite to a costume party...unless of course you're going to a Goth or Emo concert which is more like a friggin masquerade ball.

Anyone have any thoughts on these? What are you fashion deal breakers? Have you ever sent a friend back to her closet to change when you saw what she was planning on wearing?

Marking Your Territory

There are so many things girls do that annoy me, but the one that just irritates the hell out of me is how they go about marking their territory. First of all anyone that has to mark their territory, probably isn't that secure about their relationship in the first place, no? It seems to me that the most insecure girls are the ones that feel the need to figuratively pee all over their man so that people know he is in fact, their man.

I've never been a jealous person and never really understood why the hell girls do this. To me, it's like broadcasting to everyone around that you lack game. I am also not one to compete with other broads for a dude, if there are other girls in the picture or other girls trying to get at a dude I'm chillin with, I pretty much bounce. I can't be bothered to be that annoying drama girl trying to hose some guy down in the form of TMI and think that is what's going to hook this guy. Not to mention, why the hell would I want to hook up with some dude that has just been hosed down by some other chick? Maybe that's what they're thinking...

A few years ago, Lilo and I started referring to some boys as fire hydrants and when certain girls came into the picture, we'd know in advance that she would be peeing all over him and laying claim to him, publicly. It used to be just obscene amounts of PDA in public, but nowadays, these games are even worse. These new chicks have to kick it up a notch, it's like they try to one up everyone from the start. How about the broads who just break out with every VOM detail of their sexual relationship...in public? Whether it's little comments or straight telling a blackjack dealer you have anal leakage from an earlier romp in the hotel room, NOTHING IS SECRET. It's like they do it in case you planned on sucking his dick later, a little "By the way, he threw his peen in my ass earlier..."

I mean as if I'm missing out? 90% of the time you have absolutely zero interest in the guy and you just end up feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed that someone is even talking about this while both parties involved and others are there! I don't want to hear about the road dome you just got on the way to the party, and I don't want to know how you cleaned up the mess and please step away from my drink! While we're on the subject...boys, I most definitely do NOT want you to call me while you're getting dome!

Then we have the equivalent of a bathroom stall wall that EVERYONE READS - Facebook. Can people be anymore goddamn annoying on there? Every guy has chicks peeing all over their walls, photos, and anything else with their comments. Do you REALLY have to write such ridiculousness publicly for everyone to see? "I LOVE THIS PIC OF YOUR SOFA! BTW DID YOU FIND MY PANTIES? I THINK I LEFT THEM THERE LAST NIGHT...OR THE NIGHT BEFORE :P" Seriously? What. The. Fuck.

Lately, ther is a lot of action on the garbage man's wall. I don't even have to stalk it or make special trips to view it. There are P.I.'s who inform me. The GM has a new girlfriend of 2 1/2 months, and they are so in love...or at least we know she is! In a matter of about two weeks the garbage man and grim reaper have: entered into a relationship, she's changed her default to a pic of them, she's posted little ♥'s on his wall, and is now replying to comments other people leave on the 'in a relationship' status notifier deal. So, when people ask who is this chick and when/where did she come from...wait for it... She will respond in no less than a full paragraph with where they met, who was there, how in love they are, and how the last 2.5 months have been the best months of her life. Are you kidding me? Dude is a GARBAGE MAN who is MISSING A TOOTH! She lives in HELL (aka Valencia) with her kid and her parents!

Do you know how hard it is NOT to respond and say "He's ALL YOURS! I hope you live happily ever after and drink as much PBR as your little hearts desire." Am I the only one who has had enough of this nonsense? Are there that few guys in the world that you just have to take what you can get and then put out an APB on what you are doing with him 24/7?

STOP. IT.

Jenny Cr"AA"ig, Because Who Needs Another Meeting When Your Fat Ass Is Already Late For Happy Hour?

So Alanis may have thought a "No Smoking" sign on her cigarette break was ironic but lately I feel like I've been in a staring contest with a "No Smoking" sign in an airplane lavatory half way through an international flight in first class after drinking the plane out of twist top champagne... AND ALL I WANTED WAS A XANAX! Might have happened once....

Since returning from vacation a few weeks ago the binging hasn't stopped and in fact I had decided on Sunday night, after a 3 day 4th of July bender, that I was going to go ahead and NOT drink (at least every night and/or alone) this week. Especially considering that I realized Sunday night that I needed to register for the Fall semester on Tuesday and then followed up that fail with realizing that I also needed to apply for graduation next Spring by this Friday. So when I ended up at happy hour Monday night by myself I still felt like at least part of my goal was in tact, the not drinking alone part, because hey strangers are people too. After throwing down a peach martini(s) I met up with a friend of mine from high school who always seems to make me feel better about my life* and last night was no exception, by the time I dropped her off I felt like a winning winner who wins at all things life related and was pretty sure I would make it through the night.... Or not. After catching up on approx 28 tivo'd episodes of Cheaters I found myself at the 24 hour CVS with my hand in the beer cooler and only minutes to spare before last call. As if that wasn't bad enough by the time I made it to the checkout I had picked up a bag of gold fish, 2 rock stars, a pack of cigs and a bunch of crap from the Summer clearance rack. None of which I needed or even wanted for that matter. Matching plastic tumbler and bowl sets anyone?

The point of this rambling mess? Lilo needs a day planner, some Nicorette, AA and maybe Jenny Craig for good measure. I'm just saying it might be helpful in my quest to become less of a social ratard and more of a "lady" or at least a semi-functional member of society, girlfriend, employee, friend and/or student. I'd take any one of the above mentioned , no need to bogart all the life skills.

*We all have that friend, the one that no matter how shitty you think your life is can trample it with stories that include but are not limited to: having 3 kids under age 5, being married, divorced and then married again to a parolee, all while living in a 1 bedroom apartment at the ripe age of 25.

Sold Bitches

After work on Friday all I had to do was go to the market, go home and just enjoy my weekend...I was busy @ work so got off an hour later, but I wasn't going to let ANYTHING get in the way of my glorious weekend. I got to the grocery store and yeah I forgot my list.. grrrr... and yeah the lines were a bit long... but, like I said... I wasn't going to let ANYTHING put a damper on my 4th of July weekend!

As I was unloading the groceries @ my parents house I heard this horrible noise.... like a baby screeching... then I kept hearing it... I thought.. "What the fuck is that noise??" It was horrible and something I had never heard before, and it felt like it was directed just for me??

I figured out, it sounded like a dog... either giving birth or dying.. I've never heard either, so I really couldn't tell you exactly which one.....

I know the neighbor (the HOT neighbor who I would totally marry or even settle for a one night stand) has 3 dogs, so I glanced over at his house and there was this pathetic dog looking at me....... no barking, but talking?????? I felt like I was in the movie... "Dr. DooLittle"

It was at that point I realized it was the 4th dog... his girlfriend!!!! She speaks??? The same person who could lose a talking war with a dead person..... and can you guess what came barking out of her mouth..

"We sold the house!!" (We.....I mean unless her hot boyfriend has a mouse in his pocket... it was/is HIS house) So, I put my fake smile and nice voice on and said..... gulp, breathe, sigh.... "Congratulations!!"

That bitch!!!! At least she could have done was to put some Vaseline before she RUBBED it in? The nerve... She was so excited just to break the bad news to me.... I mean she NEVER talks to me... I'm convinced she has a stopwatch and every time she pulls in the driveway she is playing a game of how fast she can get inside the house without making contact with anyone....probably rewarding herself with a dog biscuit!

Friday was this bitches day to bask in the glory, and I'll be honest she won! But, I had my "trump card in my back pocket"... Hot neighbor told me that they were looking into buying a house in the small little town where I have my business, "TERRIFIC"... I do women's retail, but would TOTALLY make a house call for him!

So.... I said, "Oh, did you find a place in L.C.?" She replied no, "I put an offer on a house in Orange County"... So, now I'm confused...... This "ruff ruff" has not only changed the said location of the move.. but SHE has put an offer on a place that is almost 2 hours away by herself?? If he's so into her, why didn't HE put an offer with her?